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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

158 replies

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

OP posts:
MouseMinge · 17/10/2023 23:37

You say you don't want to be alone, but you are alone. You're living with a man who only wants you when he's drunk, who constantly hurts you over and over and over again and makes ridiculous excuses for his behaviour, then admits that he's in the wrong and then makes excuses again. Your love for him is toxic because it's all about who he could be not who he is. Are you worried that you'll end it and he'll find someone who "fixes" him and that will make you feel that it was all your fault? There isn't anyone out there to fix him and it sounds as though he's not being totally honest with his therapist either.

You might not think it but your life WILL be better without him. What he brings to your life is pain. He makes you question everything about yourself, his behaviour makes you feel that you're not good enough. Tell him to go. You will feel bad for a while but eventually you will be so much happier and so will your children. This level of toxicity is not good for them either. It doesn't matter that they don't know what he's doing they can see how you're feeling even if you try to mask it. Choose them. Choose you. Cut him out of your life.

Hooplahooping · 17/10/2023 23:42

if he really wanted to stop he’d be doubling down on therapy. Suggesting time out from your relationship to heal, strongly encouraging you to engage in personal therapy and working a full program with SAA or similar.

that he has already told you he has ‘needs’ and should be allowed to watch porn is not a man who is committed to you or to change.

That he will not change is NOT a reflection of your value - but of his inability to manage himself, or take any ownership of his behaviour. He might struggle with self esteem issues. But that does not give him Carte Blanche to treat you like crap.

he’s well practised at saying just enough to keep you hooked but the reality is this

  • you don’t really have sex
  • he’s paying for sex with other people
  • he has consistently lied and cheated
  • he hasn’t committed to a consistent recovery program

you know that your one precious life deserves more than staying stuck in this place of perpetual anxiety / fear. Be brave. Shoulders back. You are stronger than you think. The first part is the worst part - and once you get past the initial shock I think you’ll realise there are some great things about being single.

sending you grit and love and utter conviction that you are worth so much more than this half life.

LightSpeeds · 17/10/2023 23:43

I think YOU need some counselling: to build up your own confidence and self-esteem until you no longer believe that the best you can hope for in life is some awful cheating bloke who really couldn't care less about you.

Good luck x

JamieFrasersBitOnTheSide · 17/10/2023 23:49

I am not with him for his money. I do genuinely care about the man

How can you care about anyone who’s treated you so badly? For goodness sake get a backbone, walk away and leave this waste of space.

Hes someone who lacks alot of confidence and appears to need validation from being wanted through these encounters. hes not a brash confident narc at all

You can’t fix him, stop trying and go and live your life. Jesus, I never understand why women put up with this shit. He’s been with prostitutes and God knows who else. Grab yourself a bit of dignity and self worth OP, he’s hardly a Prince among men is he?

NotaCoolMum · 17/10/2023 23:49

He sounds fucking revolving. You deserve better than this. Leave. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel.

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:52

What would you like us to say OP?
You dont want to leave but know he is treating you badly consistently?

Original poster
golf7 · 17/10/2023 23:56

I suppose I have been holding on hoping he would stop
he probably wont . even if he does he will probably start again

He does it because he wants to and he enjoys it and gets a thrill from it
That thrill and kick matters more than me
i will always be second best
i will always be seond best
repeat after me

I know it.
I just get so sad taking that last step

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/10/2023 23:56

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you need counselling as to why you keep taking this " man" back
He has the morals of an alley cat, has commitment fears and treats you like shit
It's not about what he wants
Tell him to get out of your house and don't let him back in

Nicole1111 · 17/10/2023 23:59

I highly recommend you read overcoming low self esteem, attached and women who love too much and seek therapy for yourself independently of him. He’s not going to change as why would he when he can act how he wants without any real consequences. That means it’s on you to take responsibility for addressing this shit show of a relationship. Especially since you’re exposing your children to a toxic relationship and setting a framework for their future relationships.

NotTerfNorCis · 17/10/2023 23:59

He sounds grim. Ditch him, join a social club, meet someone better.

Gymnopedie · 18/10/2023 00:01

I feel very sad without him when hes gone and I miss him

OP I'm not surprised you're feeling low. Your self esteen must be so far down on the floor that it's made it's way into the basement. You're the one who needs counselling to work out why you are so enmeshed with someone who treats you so very very badly.

Why he does what he does isn't relevant anymore. It's been going on for too long. When he's with you what he gets is a roof over his head, food, heating and possibly his washing done. If you feel that way about him I'm guessing you will want to do a lot for him. But all you're actually doing is enabling him to treat you like the shit on his shoe. He knows how you feel about him and he's revelling in all the benefits of that. Meanwhile all his apologies, breast beating that you'd be better off without him? It's to keep you dangling. If he thinks he's maybe gone too far and you might really be at a point where you'd consider throwing him out and he'd lose all his home comforts then he comes over all poor me, how awful I am, so that you feel sorry for him and tell him it'll be OK.

Please stop allowing him to demean you in that way. He's a user, pure and simple. Stop being used.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/10/2023 00:04

Oh honey, just cut loose. This isn't making you happy, in fact the opposite. I don't know why you think being on your own would be worse than this. He hasn't got a clue what he wants but makes it your responsibility to sort him out.

Stop paying for his counselling NOW and get some for yourself. When you are healthy and happy then start dating again. You owe yourself some happiness, you're obviously a kind and caring person. Once you learn to value yourself other people will too.

sammyjoanne · 18/10/2023 00:07

Sorry to hear about your situation. You deserve a lot better than being treated like this. Sounds like its not willinag to change and the councelling isnt not really helping much but it has said what he truely feels though. He wants marriage and kids but not sure if he wants them with you. Which speaks volumes about how he feels about you. And hes cheating and who know what STI's they have. The longer this carries on, the more and more this will eat away at your self esteem. Hard as this is, its time to move on. Also your DC, they are seeing this as acceptable behaviour, so you need to be brave and do the right thing for them and also for you.

Original poster
golf7 · 18/10/2023 00:07

Oh I dont pay for his counselling .

I will look that book up now while I am work with time on my hands and time to think.

Appreciate everyone whos replied

I know what i would say to my daughter or friends if they were telling me this. I can tell it to myself quite easily. Its just that last step

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 18/10/2023 00:12

I feel so sorry for you. Just think for a moment you could find someone else that makes you feel special. The counselling isn’t going to work. This guy is an asshole and you can do better. You have got this. Just start making steps for you

LightSpeeds · 18/10/2023 00:14

I feel very sad without him when hes gone and I miss him.

OP, most of us feel like this when we split up with someone... but people are resilient and they learn to cope and they CAN move on to something better.

When you get away from him, you will start to feel positive about yourself again and realise just how much he's damaged you.

Morewineplease10 · 18/10/2023 00:19

He won't charge OP.

All you can do is walk away. Do the Freedom programme.

Don't stay with him because you don't want anyone else to have him. Let him go.

I promise you he'll do this with whomever else he has a relationship with. Then it'll be someone else's problem.

Radiohat · 18/10/2023 00:24

If you continue to let yourself be used by this dirt bag your life won't get any better.

He has no respect for you and you sound very lost. It is hard to pick yourself up and move on BUT if you want a better life you have to ditch the dirt bag and nourish your own life. Ther is nothing wrong with being single - it sounds much better than what you have.

TheCatterall · 18/10/2023 00:30

I am so angry for you @golf7

why are you acting as a passenger in your own life.

if he’s told you on day 1 that he’s struggle to have any form of sexual contact with you unless he was absolutely pissed. Can’t be faithful. Always looking at what he could wank off to next ( but it won’t be you). Is full
of self loathing and recriminations one minute and blaming you the next.. and is too lazy to do anything about it especially as you will just accept it all and do all the work for him with counsellors.. apps etc… (you’ll still be in the wrong for ‘making’ him do this).

would you think to yourself that this sounds like a fabulous man who respects and loves me and I’ll crack on with a relationship with him.

I am literally screaming thinking where is your self worth and respect.

never mind him seeing a counsellor - where’s yours to help understand why the fuck you are still with him.

I mean massive squishes and my heart goes out to you. But you are setting yourself up
to fail and be hurt again and again.

youll still be there with him in 10 years time and nothing will have changed. Stop waiting for him to make the decision. Cut the apparent umbilical cord now.

crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 00:34

I hope you are having counselling too (obviously with someone different)

LifeExperience · 18/10/2023 00:35

Being alone isn't the worst thing. The worst thing is being with someone who doesn't love you or respect you, and will never love you like you deserve, because he's not capable of it.

tolerable · 18/10/2023 00:36

read it all back.then walk away.utterly fuck that. alone is easier.yuk

TeaGinandFags · 18/10/2023 00:37

You say you don't have any children but you have: him. He is a man baby who will never grow up as long as he has you to pick up the pieces and make it better. You will be doing this for the rest of your life if you don't get rid of him.

Or until he goes when he finds another mummy to take care of him, forgive him and understand he can't help it. This will happen sooner than you think when he's drained you of cash and vitality. He's absolutely fine and dandy playing the helpless flower/ naughty boy.

Kick him out and get a man who's grown up and is capable of taking care of others..

HereForTheFreeLunch · 18/10/2023 00:40

You have DC? Kick him out and please protect them from this sorry asshole of a cheater.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/10/2023 00:58

You seem to be a glutton for punishment. There is no hope for your 'relationship 'with a man who doesn't respect women and doesn't love you. Even your counsellor is subtly telling you he doesnt love you. Leave, heal & eventually you'll be happy. Or stay and spend your future years up to elderly age, weeping over 1 man in this world that you've wasted your life with. You'll do your children a massive disservice if you fall by the wayside because of him. Really poor relationship model for them too. Ultimately he will probably end up leaving you anyway, he's hinted as much with his commitment issues blah. & that will be that.