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Original poster

Partner cheated loads of times, in counselling but I feel so low

158 replies

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

OP posts:
Lostcotter · 17/10/2023 22:56

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:41

Name changed
Been with partner 5 years.
Hes cheated on me loads of times. Paid for sex with hookers. messaged some but they havent replied to him. His porn searches are all connected to prostitutes and cheating girlfriends being caught or men being dominated. We barely have a sex life. He just doesnt seem interested in me at all unless hes drunk and is then very touchy feely. Even then there wouldnt often be penetration and it would be over in mins

Hes been browsing adult work and other types of sites similar looking at their profiles and photos . Sometimes for hours on and off. I have confronted him. He says its an addiction. Goes between saying its my fault as I took him back after the last time he did it. To saying I deserve better. He moves out (house is mine) then comes back . and on and on it goes.

This time hes started counselling. Had his 3 rd session yesterday. Counsellor has suggested he sees me more as a comfort and a mother figure as his mum has passed away and hes not really grieved properly. So perhaps thats why he doesnt see me as an attractive sexual person to be with. I have asked him outright and he denies this, but looks away or down at the floor.

Hes now starting to say hes scared of committment and as soon as the relationship gets too real he gets stressed and acts up and does these things. Then he says he wants marriage and kids but not sure if he does with me. Then says he doesnt want to lose me. Mans all over the place. I have confided in friends and family about him and what hes been doing. They will support my decision but they dont like him, friends dont want to be around him and my family say hes not welcome in their home or to spend time with them.

Not really sure why I am posting but when he started the counselling he suggested he get an app on his phone which I set the password to called siteblock which blocks porn escort sites or whatever you want blocked. He suggested it. My feeling is why should he have to be STOPPED from looking and also if he wants to find a way he will. Now hes saying its not fair he cant see porn he has needs and he might start to resent me,. His counsllor has said it doesnt sound healthy and she doesnt think he should have it installed. Shes right really but for someone who says they have an addiction they dont know why they do it then surely they should be prepared to do anything to try and curb the behavior.

Hes downplaying it all the time saying he hasnt acted on it for ages and its just looking. No different to porn. I dont buy that and have said so. Someone with a history of buying sex looking at websites with sex workers in areas where he was at the time. Looks dodgy. Disrespectful to me. as soon as he gets chances hes looking. So unfair on me .

Its eroding all my confidence. For some reason I keep taking him back (even when he isnt sure if he wants to come back or be with me ) I say I will support him. I am reassuring him. WTF is wrong with me. I am sad at the thougt of losing him. Sad at being on my own. Anxious hes going to do it again. Its just such a shit place to be really is .

We dont have kids together and are both mid 30s

I’m not sure if this was a deliberate decision not to have kids but well done on that. It’s great you haven’t tied yourself down with kids with this person or brought kids into this sorry mess.

I agree with pp, he just sees you as his emotional support person and has little to no respect for you. He is blaming you for taking him back and probably sees you as an enabler. I can’t see a way back from this. It sounds like he doesn’t even like let alone love you, because his behaviour towards you is so poor and he’s already hinted at resenting you.

It will be sad being alone at first but then you’ll look back and wonder why you didn’t do it earlier! Being alone is far better than being with a man who dislikes and disrespects you.

Do get some counselling, read some books on relationships and mental health, make new friends, explore a new hobby. And most of all dig deep to understand why you let it go on for so long so next time you meet someone, your standards will be so high a man like this wouldn’t even come near you.

Chickenkeev · 17/10/2023 22:57

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:44

Sorry forgot to add. The counselling he suggested. When i asked if he had looked it up and arranged it he said he had been busy and would have a look. Then he said he was worried about money (he has good amount of savings so thats an excuse ) and i told him so. He handed me his phone and asked me to look and contact some. Like an idiot i did it for him and he started his own sessions. After 2 sessions he said hes not sure talking about his mum and stuff is even going to help and he will have a few more and then see where he is. So feels to me like more excuses. Hes got his 4th one next week

From this and your earlier post, you badly need a bit of counselling. This excuse for a man is no good for you at all, and you don't see it atm. Some counselling will help you see that he's 100% the unreasonable one, and that you can do so so much better. Sometimes it's easier to see it when an uninvolved third party points it out to you.

MsFogi · 17/10/2023 22:58

Ditch this loser - you are way better on your own, he brings nothing to the party!

CarpetSlipper · 17/10/2023 22:58

Can you really be arsed with him? Not all men are obsessed with watching abuse and treat women like shit. He is eroding your self worth and you’d be far better without him.

Legselevens · 17/10/2023 22:59

Please work on your self esteem. It’s exhausting for you, he is playing you

bigbish · 17/10/2023 22:59

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:50

I feel so ugly and worthless because of what hes done

OP I mean this kindly but stop with the pity party and pull your shit together and fuck him off. There is zero advice. Zero. That anyone can give you apart from bin him off.

You're sat here saying you feel ugly, you really can't see why when he's done this to you?
What the fuck are you doing?

Woman like you genuinely wind me up. You choose to settle for being treated like shit, then you moan about being treated like shit!

Go and spend some time working on your self worth. I mean all of this nicely btw, but you're literally letting this guy do this to you now. Please get checked for STIs

MistyMooPup · 17/10/2023 22:59

I literally can’t read this it’s riddled with toxicity - ffs OP just walk the fuck away.

SaryMhelley · 17/10/2023 23:00

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:50

I feel so ugly and worthless because of what hes done

There are worse things than being alone…and this is one of them.
He’s destroyed your confidence. You’re worth so much more, please get rid of him Flowers

WooWooWinnie · 17/10/2023 23:00

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:55

I start to imagine him being happy without me , living a fulfilled happy life. Having a wife and family and stopping all this and it breaks my heart. Why cant he stop for me. Why am I not enough and why is losing me not enough to make him stop

What about your fulfilled and happy life? Having a husband and a family and not feeling anxious every time your partner goes out, or wondering why you’re not enough. You’re not going to get that with this guy because that’s not who he is. He might end up with a wife and a happy life - but his poor wife will be feeling exactly like you do now. Do you really want that for yourself? You deserve so much better.

MistyMooPup · 17/10/2023 23:01

You’re both giving off the same fucked up toxic vibe. That’s why you’re together. If you can’t value yourself more then you’ll end up with another loser like him. Dump this dickhead and go do some work on your self worth.

OrigamiOwl · 17/10/2023 23:03

He's not going to have a happy and fulfilling life whether you're in it or not. He's just going to keep dragging your down.

You don't have kids, you're not married. Don't tie yourself to this man any longer. By this time tomorrow you could have changed your life so much for the better

Wolfiefan · 17/10/2023 23:04

He’s a shit. That’s why he behaves like this. He’s not a sad victim who lacks confidence. He’s a complete arse.
You need to stop thinking about him. Think about you. What you want and deserve. Because I bet it’s not the heartbreak, betrayal and risk of STDs you have from this bastard.

Feelinglow27 · 17/10/2023 23:07

Life is too short for this. Go find your happiness OP, you'll be happier on your own than with this moron.

Dotcheck · 17/10/2023 23:07

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:55

I start to imagine him being happy without me , living a fulfilled happy life. Having a wife and family and stopping all this and it breaks my heart. Why cant he stop for me. Why am I not enough and why is losing me not enough to make him stop

Switch it around.

Imagine that he’s out of your life and free of his shitty behaviour.
The woman you are imagining? She will have a horrible life tied to that man through children. Breathe a sigh of relief that she isn’t you.
Imagine that you are free of him. Happy, healthy, strong and calm ( quoting Tegan and Sara). You can be with someone who is your equal, who appreciates you, who you look at with the love and trust he deserves because he’s earned it. Or you can be on your own for as long as you like. Happy, healthy, strong and calm. All that can be yours, just let him go. There is no safety for you if you stay with him

FiddleLeaf · 17/10/2023 23:07

I was single 33 to 36 and then met the most amazing partner. I used my single time to sort out my self esteem & focused on stuff I was interested in.

It is initially scary… that leap into singledom but the truth is, you’re literally wasting your life with this man and you’re already alone. He’s basically your child, not partner.

I really think those moments before you fall asleep next to someone you’re not meant to be with are the loneliest moments in life.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/10/2023 23:11

Leave it’s as simple as that. He is never going to change

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 17/10/2023 23:12

"I suppose I want to believe he loves me enough to stop this behaviour and get better."

He doesn't and he won't.

You feel worthless BECAUSE of him. You are not worthless, he is.

Please please please find your strength and leave him behind or there will be nothing left of you.

ToadOnTheHill · 17/10/2023 23:14

You're scared but being scared isnt worse than being sad.

Look how long your post is. Dump, move back with family and everytime he enters your mind, choose to spend your time thinking of something nice about you instead.

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:16

Please register for the freedom programme. Its £12 , worth every penny. You need it OP. Also if you can afford get counselling. Also contact us at Womens Aid for support and advice.

Joeylove88 · 17/10/2023 23:17

You appear to have forgotten your own self worth because you are with a complete waste of space who is completely taking the piss out of you and keeping you dangling on an emotional string while he gets to have sex with whoever he wants knowing that you won't ever leave him. You should really consider getting some counselling to help with your self esteem. You may love this guy but love doesn't mean sacrificing your self worth, mental health and the chance to find real happiness either with yourself or someone else who will actually treat you with respect and love and kindness. Please understand that your relationship is unhealthy and you are being used by him. Try taking back some power and seeing this for what it us and tell him to f right off out of your life! It will hurt you alot but anything has to be better than being in this situation! Go and live your life!!!!

PinkMoscatoLover · 17/10/2023 23:18

golf7 · 17/10/2023 22:55

I start to imagine him being happy without me , living a fulfilled happy life. Having a wife and family and stopping all this and it breaks my heart. Why cant he stop for me. Why am I not enough and why is losing me not enough to make him stop

You need to learn how to love yourself because this is really not the way to live your life. Your heart breaks when you think of this vile man with someone else in the future? He’s not going to change and he’s showed you multiple times by his actions.

You’re seeing something you want to see and not what he’s trying to show you. This isn’t love or a real relationship no matter what he says. You should really work on loving yourself and having self worth so you wouldn’t allow someone to walk all over you

Vinrouge4 · 17/10/2023 23:21

Don’t waste any more of your life with him. He is never going to change. You deserve to be with somebody who loves and cherishes you. I’m sorry. This man does not love you.

Original poster
golf7 · 17/10/2023 23:29

In his own way (whatever that may look like ) I think he does. Hes said several times that all hes doing is hurting me. I am never going to leave him but he doesnt want to be the bad guy by being the one to end it I dont think, I have Dc they arent his . So theres alot about how hes worried he wont one day be able to buy a house big enough for us all. That hes going to lose all of us . That its not his own family but someone elses. That he went from being sinlge to in a ready made family with no build up in between and he gets scared.

So I have fallen into a role of reassuring him that he is enough. tht we all love him. That hes very much part of the family. That i will support him. Maybe a rescuer role. A nutring role. Me comforting and mothering him. Building him up . That if i build him up he will feel happy and content and wont keep doing this shit .

I need to remind myself that in all reality he does it because he enjoys it. He wants to. He gets a thrill a buzz and a kick out of it that I cant give him

OP posts:
Wonkasworld · 17/10/2023 23:33

So you have DC but they aren't his. Get all of you away from this loser. It's not just yourself you need to think about.

Joeylove88 · 17/10/2023 23:37

If you have DC then I'm sorry but you are responsible for ending this toxic relationship for their sakes even if you won't do it for yourself! Why would you want to selfishly continue to have your children around this mess? You already know this is unhealthy and your are showing your DC that it's okay to stay in a toxic relationship...this will effect how they go about getting relationships in the future so you need to show them that you are strong and that what he is doing is not acceptable.