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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

384 replies

bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 18:47

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

OP posts:
Thehop · 17/10/2023 18:48

We both work full
time and have never had any family support at all.

G5000 · 17/10/2023 18:49

Most people in my friendship circle are indeed both full time working with no family support. Paid support though (cleaner, nanny etc)

velvetglow · 17/10/2023 18:49

This is us exactly, no support whatsoever or any family near by, both work full time.

Beezknees · 17/10/2023 18:50

I'm a lone parent working full time and had no parental support, my mum works full time herself so she couldn't help even if she wanted to. I used wrap around clubs. I did have a couple of other relatives who helped on the odd day in the holidays but certainly no one who committed to regular childcare. Thank god I'm through the other side now.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/10/2023 18:50

I don't know any couples where both parents work full time and get no help of family.
Either the Mum is SAH or part time or a Nan is very heavily involved. Working full time isn't really compatible with nursery or school unless you are earning a fortune.
I've been tying myself up in knots thinking about how I will be able to afford to go back full time when my 2nd child is old enough.

estimate · 17/10/2023 18:51

I was a single parent working full time with no family support.

Rumplestrumpet · 17/10/2023 18:51

In London most of my professional friends and colleagues had no family nearby. Most worked full time. I don't think many can afford to live in the city otherwise

Womencanlift · 17/10/2023 18:51

In my circle you would be very unusual. Although I do live in a part of the country that people tend to move to for work so family can live hundreds of miles away

Most GPs will come down regularly to help cover big events like weddings or weekends away but don’t have family nearby on a day to day basis

Also very unusual in my group to have a SAHP. Every parent works, the majority full time or close to it

Didimum · 17/10/2023 18:51

We both work full time. Used to have grandparent support in the nursery years, but since they started primary we don’t have any family help at all.

Pollywoddles · 17/10/2023 18:51

That’s us too! No family or friends support, just me and my husband who both work full time. Toddler goes to the childminder. We don’t have a cleaner but I’m getting ever closer to hiring one.

Whataretheodds · 17/10/2023 18:51

I don't think you'll get a statistically robust answer via a thread, but for what it's worth we will both be FT with no family/unpaid childcare support within 200 miles. The same is true for all my friends who've had kids in London. Sometimes one parent has been able to compress hours (work FT over 4 days for example) but that's it.

mynameiscalypso · 17/10/2023 18:52

I technically work 4.5 days a week but in practice, I work full time. DH works 60-70 hours a week. My DPs had my son for one hour when I had to have an interview and couldn't get any other childcare but that's it in the last 4+ years. I don't feel our situation is unusual at all. It's certainly the norm with my friends and family.

Aurora791 · 17/10/2023 18:52

This is exactly us too. I think if you have a job that requires being mobile, and/or you live in an expensive part of the country, then 2 FT working parents and no family support locally or grandparents that are still working is completely the norm!

TopicalNameChange · 17/10/2023 18:52

That is my family set up (except I'm only FT in term time). In the small village I live in we're the minority, most people seem to have a gran or 2 to call on, and 1 PT or SAHP.

My sister lives in a big city. Her norm is 2 FT parents and a nanny. I suspect you live in a small town or village with not a lot of 'big career' opportunities (not said in a mean way!)

icallitasplodge · 17/10/2023 18:52

I was part time, crept up to full time and we struggled to manage so I’ve recently left to go back to part time again. We could have family support but SIL has first dibs so we would be at her mercy, so we manage with wraparound care

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2023 18:52

I’d agree with that OP

Spookymormonhelldream · 17/10/2023 18:53

It is very much the norm with my circle. We have all paid for childcare since day 1.

Christmassatsumaboobs · 17/10/2023 18:53

Normal in my circle

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 18:53

Most of the people I know have no gp help as they’re dead, too old or unwell. Both parents work and pay for all the care they needed.

Original poster
bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 18:53

Interesting to read the responses so far and that the majority are in this situation! Do you all find that other parents you know via nursery/school are in the same situation?

If so it must be very area dependant because that doesn’t seem to be the case at all where I live.

OP posts:
Autumnleavesss · 17/10/2023 18:53

Both work full time in professional roles which include travel. No nearby family

MojoMoon · 17/10/2023 18:53

Think it probably varies by region - will be more common in big cities that people have moved across the country/world to live in, often for career reasons.

In London, I can think of several people in dual career households with kids and no nearby family. I wouldn't say they all had zero support - grandparents sometimes come (from abroad or across UK) for a week in school holidays to help with kids - but they certainly aren't getting regular child care. Or kids are taken to family abroad and left there for a couple of weeks in the summer.

But also can think of people where grandparents need care, rather than provide it! So they are juggling two sets of dependents and not getting any help at all

Someonesomeplace · 17/10/2023 18:54

We both work full time with no family support locally.

I have family 300 miles away who will help out during school holidays for a week or two but day to day, it's just us.

OnlyFannys · 17/10/2023 18:54

YABU. YA also very lucky!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2023 18:55

I do think people are a tad deluded - working PT isn’t full time, grandparents further away than round the corner, if they have ever watched your kids or had them over the school hols- that’s help!

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