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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

384 replies

bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 18:47

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

OP posts:
Scottishgirl85 · 17/10/2023 19:40

We both work full-time, no family help as they're hundreds of miles away. After baby no.3 I'm going part-time.

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 19:41

My children are now grown up, but my experience was that most of their classmates (independent schools from age 4, for context) had a SAHM (or one parent who worked p/t around school hours while the other parent - always the father - worked f/t). Several of the mothers either went back to work p/t or went f/t as their children grew up. Very few had local parents to act as childminders - not many people were born where I live as they've tended to migrate to where the high-paying jobs are. Single mothers tended to have either very good divorce settlements or family money which meant they didn't need to work f/t.

The small minority who had two full time working parents right from the start also had nannies.

PictureFrameWindow · 17/10/2023 19:41

Same for us in London. Only one friend I know has family support. All working in responsible jobs (not always well paid though) ie not 'coasting' in work either.

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 19:41

The only times I encounter people who live close to family, it’s on here

Same here.

UneFoisAuChalet · 17/10/2023 19:41

My family lives in North America and my husband’s father lives in Spain and his mother sadly passed away before we met and married.

Childcare comes in the form of his sister, who works full time and has two kids of her own, so it’s basically once or twice a year and depending on the occasion. We’ll ask her to watch the kids for a wedding of our close friends, but we’d never ask for a night at the movies and peri peri chicken after.

So, when I read all these threads about MNs frothing at the mouth that their families don’t help them I’m a bit 🤷‍♀️

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/10/2023 19:41

@CyberCritical

Thank you so much for your response. I thought as much that you had to be earning around the 30k mark for it to be affordable. I just don't know how I'm going to get a job earning that much when I've had so much time out from skilled work (I work part time in customer service). I need to retrain. Anyway, not to derail the thread. Il come and post a thread on here asking for advice after I've had my 2nd baby.

Ponydreams · 17/10/2023 19:42

No help here either. I had to give up full time work because we just couldn’t manage. Term time was ok because we used wrap around care, but when it came to school holidays it just wasn’t feasible- holiday club hours were too short and very expensive.
Will look at going back full time when child is old enough to be left alone.
Very envious of people with relatives who are able and willing to help out.

Garlicnaan · 17/10/2023 19:42

I think it's common in London. I'd say 80% of our friends have family help where we are. Even if it's not weekly as they're not local, GPs will have children for a week in the holidays etc.

We're both almost FT with no help and it's tough. Don't earn enough for a nanny, don't even have a cleaner, plus our DC has additional needs that make it very hard to use paid child care.

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 19:43

I think it's common in London

I'd say the reverse. Which goes to show that there's no one answer to this!

Sunseaandsand1 · 17/10/2023 19:45

We’re two FT working parents, often working evenings & weekends, with no family childcare support. I can’t imagine the difference it would make to all our lives to have family nearby who could help out.

Honeybee798 · 17/10/2023 19:45

I will be the in that situation once I return to work after mat leave. From the other mum’s I know personally with young children or have met through baby groups, other people do have family support. I am the only mum I know who’s going back to work and using nursery for everyday that I am working. All the others have mother’s and MIL’s who are helping out to keep their childcare bills down etc. I didn’t realise just how little family support I had until I was 32 weeks pregnant and my health visitor asked me who I would call in the day if DH was at work and I just fancied talking to someone or if there was anyone I could see for a cup of tea. My answer was “there is no one” and I started sobbing! Hormones haha.

Also, our families do live nearby but just don’t want to or can’t help. I don’t necessarily think proximity and location to family help always matter. It’s not something everyone has even if they live next door!

CyberCritical · 17/10/2023 19:45

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/10/2023 19:41

@CyberCritical

Thank you so much for your response. I thought as much that you had to be earning around the 30k mark for it to be affordable. I just don't know how I'm going to get a job earning that much when I've had so much time out from skilled work (I work part time in customer service). I need to retrain. Anyway, not to derail the thread. Il come and post a thread on here asking for advice after I've had my 2nd baby.

I started in customer service in a call centre, look at what internal opportunities there are.

I had a wiggly type of journey but the path was:

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All self study online for free and learning on the job.

Torganer · 17/10/2023 19:45

I don’t know any stay at home parents, or even ones that work part time. Only one person I know has regular grandparent support, but he moved back to where his parents lived. I think it’s just social circles, I’m in London so many people have moved away from family. All my NCT group went back full time within a year. All my university friends work full time.

Jk987 · 17/10/2023 19:46

It depends what support means? Childcare only or support as in emotionally invested, want to spend time with the children. Buy toys and clothes for then?

GonetoGateshead · 17/10/2023 19:47

Not RTFT but that's us. Was very stark during the second covid lockdown that we had no support - Scotland so had to both be 'key workers' out of the house working to be allowed to have a school place.
Full time wfh with absolutely no support - we were the only ones in our primary kids classes who fell in to this category. I don't know if I'll ever get over the stress!!

Also never get away properly, paid babysitters only cover so much.

irony is both sets of grandparents have chosen nice retirement locations and have/had needed a lot of support in the last of year or so, I only do what fits in with everything my own family.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/10/2023 19:47

In my close friendship group, all of them have one full time and one part time partner, that’s my situation too although I’m the only female who works full time with a husband who is part time (well, freelance).

LetticeProtheroe · 17/10/2023 19:47

I'm a totally lone parent with no family help. My nearest family are 2 hours away and have never looked after my child.

I have 2 good friends who do occasional babysitting but otherwise it's paid childcare. I afford it cos I have to, what other choice do I have.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/10/2023 19:48

Kids are 4 and 2.

Kaleidoscope2 · 17/10/2023 19:48

We both work full-time, we do have supportive family but not local so regular childcare isn't possible but we do have support for occasional weekends and once our daughter is at school will have to have help with school holidays which our families are on board with. We do outsource things like cleaning by having a weekly cleaner as we couldn't keep on top of everything. From my peers I am the only one that works full-time with young children.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 17/10/2023 19:48

DH and I both full-time but with extremely long hours, commutes and a hefty amount of overseas work.

No family within 4 hours drive. Friends are all over the place and equally busy.

I was a SAHM for the first couple of years - mainly because my bastard employer fired me for being pregnant and I sued them for enough that I could afford to stay at home while I tried to salvage the wreckage of my career.

Otherwise we had to pay for every minute of childcare we have ever had.

We decided we would stick with an only child.

BookHereNoFee · 17/10/2023 19:49

I actually don't know any couples where both work full time with no family support and I'm thinking of a huge amount of people here. I'm in the north west though and most people have got family here or relatively near - I can imagine London being very different though with people having moved away from family for the jobs there.

Relaxingweekendmaybe · 17/10/2023 19:50

Myself and my BIL’s wife - no parents either dead or no relationship there.

Husband and BIL - parents live abroad.

So everyones family set up is different. My husband and I don’t have kids yet but it’s something I’m really worried about… if we were to have children we would be all alone. I look at my BIL and SIL and they both work full time, baby was in nursery from a few months old. I don’t know what’s for the best but then again, my best friend is a single parent, although she has family support and her mum is very helpful, being all alone handling parenting must be exhausting. At least my husband and I can try to support eachother. So I suppose it depends how you look at it.

Bumble84 · 17/10/2023 19:50

Genuine question are you asking purely because of the financial implications of being being FT with no family help versus PT with no family help?

Lavender14 · 17/10/2023 19:50

We both work full time (I'll be back ft after mat leave). Both in laws also work full time as they are fairly young and my family live a few hours away so aren't able to help out much, plus they already do all my sisters childcare so wouldn't want to take on any extra. So we've no family support for childcare/ nursery pick ups etc. Out of my friend group most are in a similar position where grandparents live further afield and aren't local or aren't well enough to provide support. I'd say it's fairly common.

sipsqueak · 17/10/2023 19:51

I don't think it's hugely unusual. Especially for those of us wot are forrin Grin

But thinking about the families we know, in many cases one parent works only 3-4 days/week (almost always the mum). And obviously lots of people have grandparent support of some kind.

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