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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

384 replies

bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 18:47

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 17/10/2023 19:19

DH and I both do full time hours but compressed into 4 days/week each. We have no local family. I’d say the majority of my friends don’t have local family. I’d say we are in the minority working full time hours, although it’s not a small minority. Most of the couples we know with kids average 16 days of work per fortnight. Either as 2 x 4 days/week or 1 x 5 days per week + 1 x 3 days per week. I only know a few families with a SAHP through the toddler group I go to. The vast majority work in some form.

Original poster
bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 19:19

ncob · 17/10/2023 19:13

Where do you live/work OP?
Everyone I work with also works full-time, so 2 full-time parents is the norm here.
The small town I grew up in however is quite different - lots of single mums, many didnt work and those that did were PT (some juggled 2 jobs though) although in that area there aren't really any/many "professional" jobs.

I think everyone is expecting me to say I’m in a village somewhere in a isolated corner of the UK, but I’m actually in a town in the SE, commuting distance to London! So my circle now seems even more unusual 😂

My eldest DC is 8 and thinking through her closest friends, I can think of only one set of parents who both work FT (they have a nanny). The rest all have at least one SAH or PT parent.

Maybe we are an anomaly!

OP posts:
Babyenroute · 17/10/2023 19:20

G5000 · 17/10/2023 18:49

Most people in my friendship circle are indeed both full time working with no family support. Paid support though (cleaner, nanny etc)

Same here!

adomizo · 17/10/2023 19:20

In our area we are unusual in having absolutely no family support but I would imagine that in London it's much more common. So depends on the area I think.

minipie · 17/10/2023 19:21

I know a lot of couples who both worked full time when the kids were small.

As the kids have got older one or both of them has generally scaled back.

Think this is a combination of it being harder to get good school wraparound childcare which will cover homework etc (compared with FT nanny or nursery for little ones), one spouse’s pay rises meaning it’s possible for the other to step back, and sheer burnout.

Wakeywake · 17/10/2023 19:21

I only know one couple who still live in their home town, everyone else has moved away, therefore no parents nearby. Everyone in my circles works f/t. Our kids are now teenagers and we had family help with childcare for 2 weeks during this time, when my mum flew over to help.

CMOTDibbler · 17/10/2023 19:21

I think it is very area dependant. We've both always worked very FT (inc travelling for work) with zero help (as in no help at all, not even going on holiday together, taking dc for an afternoon when visiting), and my parents needed care from when my ds was a toddler. I didn't know anyone with no family help at all as even those who said they didn't got the gps coming in from abroad for a period, the dc going to them or even just in a total emergency.
But ds is 17 now and we've all survived just about, even if we stitched together some creative solutions over the years

Starseeking · 17/10/2023 19:22

I know of a few. They manage as their DC are still in nursery so long days, and post-Covid, one of them works mostly from home.

pinkhousesarebest · 17/10/2023 19:23

No help( family in a different country) both worked full time. Would not do it again for a fortune, those days were so had. Very unforgiving bosses when it came to sick kids. My dc were home alone from the age of 9 when they were sick.
They are now thriving , independent young adults but still…

PersistentSniffles · 17/10/2023 19:23

My recent thread on the "Parenting" board might be one of the threads you are referring to. DH and I are both full-time. My parents live 1 hour 50 mins away, so they have only ever watched my DS for a few hours if we are visiting them or vice versa. They can't help with any last minute childcare emergencies. DH doesn't have parents in the UK.

A few months ago, we ended up shelling out £190 for a babysitter for a day when nursery wouldn't take our DS due to mild illness and we both had work commitments we couldn't afford to not attend.

CloudyAgain · 17/10/2023 19:23

2 full time workers here.

No family support. DH's parents are dead and his sister lives in Greece. Mine live in New Zealand.

I don't think it's that unusual.

Bertiesmum3 · 17/10/2023 19:23

Husband works full time days I work full time nights, no one else apart from us looked after children,

Conkersinautumn · 17/10/2023 19:24

Zero help is just that. My parents are not in my life, husbands parents are 4 hours in two directions from us (and only interested in his sisters). I have had to stop working full time as we weren't coping. I also don't have friends locally with kids so we literally don't go out together. I happen to think that grandparents are not suitable for childcare, but I've never had the chance to find out

momtoboys · 17/10/2023 19:25

My boys are all almost adults but it wasn’t rare in our world. Lots of dead parents between us

Saschka · 17/10/2023 19:26

I don’t know anyone who can afford to have one parent not working! That’s the realm of trophy wives around here (London).

Some people work PT when their children are preschool age, most people I know are back to full time when their youngest child starts school. Certainly by secondary.

shivbo2014 · 17/10/2023 19:26

Both work full time, no family support at all ever. My employer is very flexible, so my 3 wfh days I do drop off and pick up as school is a 2 minute walk away. On my office days partner is self employed so can be flexible with his working hours and does the school run. All of my mum friends in my eldest class are in the same situation, in my youngest class there seems to be more sahm. So I suppose it varies a lot!

Christy135 · 17/10/2023 19:26

My husband and I work full time. No family nearby.
We rely on afterschool club.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/10/2023 19:27

My parents were still working themselves full time when my kids were little. They would help out at weekends but we needed to pay for childcare during the week.

We both worked full time except for mat leave.

Most of my friends are the same.

Wasywasydoodah · 17/10/2023 19:27

We work full time with no support. We’re very unusual in our area which is a poorer area with low social and geographical mobility. Most people live near their families.

Ionapussy · 17/10/2023 19:27

I only know one couple who work ft with no family help but they earn well and can afford a nanny.

Part of the reason I work part time (30 hours a week - 1 day off a week) is to avoid dcs having to do full weeks at holiday clubs as no one in our family is willing or able to do regular childcare for us.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 17/10/2023 19:28

I think if you live in a city where most people have moved there for work, it’s common to have no family support. In contrast in the town I grew up in barely anyone moved there, or left (loads of good jobs nearby) so the people who stayed to raise their families mostly have family support. I chose to move away, it’s been expensive but I love where I live and it’s worth the trade off for me. Mind you, we do have my mum come stay every few months and then it’s such a welcome but of respite.

Poniesandrainbows · 17/10/2023 19:28

Both full time here (we'll I work a couple of hours under) and never had even an hour of family help, no cleaners or domestic help either.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/10/2023 19:29

I know this is probably a whole other thread in its own right but how do people manage and what's the minimum you have to be earning to afford all the extra wrap around care?!

ChristmasKraken · 17/10/2023 19:29

We both work full time. No real family support. Fairly normal round me.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 17/10/2023 19:30

The holiday clubs thing is hard - we get 14 weeks of hols between us so on paper could cover most of our kids school hols. But we want holiday time together! Luckily the kids go on holiday with each set of grandparents for a week a year, so that’s two weeks covered.