Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

Is your friend bothered by it? Is she unable to get that same time off?

Some people love their families and enjoy spending time with them. But unless the grandchild has no parents or has exceptionally high care needs, no grandparent is with their grandchildren 24/7 to the point that they can't live their own life or meet up with their friends!

Just because it wouldn't be for you doesn't mean it's not for someone else.

Different strokes for different folks.

You could be a dog person for arguments sake. I can't understand why people devote their lives to their dogs, treat them like humans and follow them around picking up their dog shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

It takes all kinds to make the world go round

He’s got a Big Important Man Job. You can’t possibly interfere with that.

I love having my grandchildren to play and/or stay.
Total joy.
OP, you sound ridiculous. They are adults making choices.

People arrange to do things when they are free and their children aren’t in school. Who knew?

@cadburyegg "It's their choice."

Up to a point. My PILs ended up in a situation where saying no would have been INCREDIBLY difficult!

Neither my own grandparents/my mum had much time for me/my children.
I felt we all missed out. I was determined to be different. I have my beautiful grandson one set day a week to reduce childcare costs but mainly it's really for me to have that bond with him.
I'm lucky in that I'm a nurse with a very supportive manager who arranges my rota sympathetically. My contract is 24 hours and I bank the rest.
I still do the odd extra- babysitting etc but in fairness they rarely ask.

They don't have to, they choose to
Ultimately they choose to look after the grandchildren. Some may feel more obliged to because the parents can't afford other childcare, some really want to do this.
They also choose not to have people visit if the grandkids are there....that never stopped my mum having visitors

Having a grandchild has completely changed my purpose in life. I get so much pleasure from looking after her, I really do not mind missing out on doing grown up stuff which will come soon enough. Family is everything for me.

Surely it’s their choice whether to do this though?

*Notmetoo

Yalta · Yesterday 17:19

This thread isn’t about childcare. I think girlfriend would have a serious issue with this person looking after gc regularly.

This is about the son or daughter coming to visit their parents for a week and bringing their own family unit*

I don't think it is. She says she was talking to someone today who has family coming to stay (she doesn't say who the family are) and it's the only time the family can come because the grandchildren (presumably OPs friends grandchildren ) were away. Then she goes onto says GC rule some people's lives. So she is criticizing the friend for arranging her families visit to coincide when the grandchildren are away*

I will be honest it is a badly written post as it could be read both ways. But if you take the post to mean the grandchildren who this person looks after regularly (although it doesn’t say anything about giving regular childcare) have gone away with their parents because it is half term then how are the grandchildren ruling this persons life.

Presumably this person could have said no to this other family coming over.

This family who are coming to stay for a week and won’t come any other time probably because they have their own school aged children then isn’t this about school term times ruling people’s lives

I presume this person could if she wanted say no to regular childcare and no to seeing family.

The thing is when people don’t have children and grandchildren and you don’t know the reasons behind it. You don’t make out you are overjoyed because your children and grandchildren are visiting or how lucky you feel about being part of your gc’s lives it would be hurtful to the other person as it might be something they really would have loved for themselves.

The problems come when people don’t understand the subtext and take what you say literally and think you are not enjoying doing something when you only give that impression to spare the other persons feelings

Is it possible that you have a jaundiced view of the situation? For personal reasons perhaps? I’m very hands on with my many grandchildren. I’m also well into my sixties and have had cancer plus a few other health problems. I’m far from being drained though and if I’m ever frail and worn out I won’t be blaming it on being a hands on granny who’s in effect an extra pair of hands to her children. It will be because of lifestyle choices I made over the years. And nothing to do with my grandchildren.

I feel like it's the opposite way round and wish GP had their own lives instead of relying on family to do things with at any given chance. They take it personal and offensive if they are not invited out every time and I have to rehearse what I'm going to say everytime I want to do something alone with the kids / husband / friends !

I think it’s the gradual drift that is the problem.
My friend had her grandchild one day a week and she loved it and had so much fun.
Her Dd then had another child and she was asked to look after them two days a week (childcare is so expensive). This was fine and doable.
But then they had another child and now she has three to look after in the school holidays which is a struggle.
She’s now 10 years older with more health problems and her other DD has had two children. How can she not help out? Wouldn’t that be unfair to help one Dd for 10 years and the other not at all?
She could say they need paid childcare but there is a cost of living crisis and her DD’s simply cannot afford hundreds of pounds each month.
So what can my friend do?

Explain her age and health means she can no longer help out? If that's the case, obviously. If her children actually care about her and appreciate the help they've received they will thank her for the help they have had so far and make alternative arrangements. What else would they do?

We can't afford loads of childcare even so we had to reduce our working hours. Plenty of families don't have grandparents to help and have to make decisions like this all the time.

As for 'fairness', adults would be ridiculous to expect parity in childcare offered if they have their kids later when their parents are older and may tire more easily or have worse health. If anyone actually would have an issue with that on the grounds of 'fairness' they're being very selfish and inconsiderate of their own ageing parents health.

I have a very full life outside of my time with my grandchildren. I travel, go to the gym, do volunteer work. Lots of things. And if I wasn’t so involved with the children my life would still be very full.

Can you try and encourage your parents to maybe even start going to keep fit classes at the local leisure center just for something to do that will also benefit their health.

Oh, give over. they're adults and it's their choice. "Rule their lives", honestly.

Yes, I'm a grandparent and some weeks I've done most of the school runs, but it is my choice.

This academic year I'm doing less because of my daughter's new job, but last year we were tied to only going away when we weren't taking the children. It's only for a few years and I'm happy to do it because it helps her (as a single parent) to have reliable, free help. Don't get the wrong idea, she's paying for school clubs this year, but if I can help her keep the costs down and do the hours she needs to do at work that's fine by me.
In some ways the school holidays are more difficult because the holiday clubs finish earlier.

They have a choice to be involved Grandparents - they chose this way. Half term is not the only time but that makes it fit for everyone. again its a choice.

I love having my GC!

Their choice! Although there are cases where they fear losing contact if they make themselves unavailable! Relationships in making such arrangements matter!

I am one of those grandparents. My granddaughter has lots of additional needs, making the education system unsuitable for her so she is home educated.
I have her 4 days a week, set days, set times so we all know where we are. Dad (my son) is single parent, sole residency but has a partner now who is able to help out. He works odd, sometimes long hours in his own business.
Granddaughter is 11, with the emotions of a 6-8 year old. Demanding, needs constant supervision very active, highly anxious if she hasn’t got the attention and supervision needed.

I plan my life around her,and my ‘days off’ .
I am also slave to 8 house rabbits and two active cats.
my partner works long odd shifts and sleeps odd hours, comes in late some nights and needs dinner.

no, I am not superwoman, I have multiple health issues myself and am bloody knackered most of the time.

however I choose to be this way, for my dedication to my Granddaughter who has said as soon as she’s 18 she moving in with me!
I’m hoping she has found peace in herself by then, however if she hasn’t and still wants to move in, my door and heart are always here for her.

AIBU? Is her dad BU for letting me? (Admittedly he would be stuck without me).
or is it just my choice?

we are very involved with our granddaughter lucky for us we are a very close family and seeing her and doing things for her fills our life with happiness we love every minute we spend with her and if we can’t be there for her we would just say its up to the grandparents to choose if they want to be involved or not
we would be quiet sad if we couldnt do it xx

Grandchildren are awesome, I'm more than happy to let them run my life.