To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

This (and your DH too.).

Do what makes you happy and what you think has most lasting value.
Peace, contentment, raising kids....or earning a he most amount of money you possibly can. It sounds easy on paper but the pull of the filthy lucre is strong. I think personally you are right to think about it carefully. Life isn't always long and money earned isn't necessarily kept in old age (inflation/economies crashing). Obviously theres a balance to be struck. But yeah think about it . Very wise.

Your children are only on loan. You don’t get a second chance to enjoy them when they’re young. As long as you can pay the bills etc I’d rather be time rich money poor. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

We will have to agree to disagree. I actually am divorced. I have enough to manage on, pay the mortgage, bills etc, just not a lot left over for ‘fun’ money, expensive clothes that they want, etc.

Maybe you need to delegate more.
If you're not able to do that or agree on an acceptable workload with your line manager, it's time to look elsewhere.
Your workplace seems like they've found their 'willing horse'.

Do you actually see the Job aspect improving and having a reasonable work day in terms of hours. You say it was last year so would assume your at least 10months in. If you think by early next year you'll be better at the balancing act stick with it but not sure if putting yourself into a position of am I going to get sacked soon as I'm not doing it right is not good long term mindset.
Tie it up to make it a year for the CV and start looking elsewhere with your new enhanced skill set

If you were a man, would you be asking these questions?

If you are asking the question about priorities, you know the answer.
What would you like your kids to remember you for?
Would the company you work for work as hard for you as you do for them? Btw that's why healthcare workers stick at it, (in general) because they believe the job would fight to keep them alive if not healthy.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years/10years?

Well done on your promtion, but you have to ask yourself is the stress worth it. If its affecting your mental health and meaning you arent getting quality time with your kids, then maybe you need to ask yourself what you are gaining from this. Whats more important to you.

When your kids look back on their childhood they won't think about how much money mum made they will think about the fun they had, the cuddles they had, how mum helped with homework etc. Time for you to make those memories

So - I was you. Do you have other mums in a similar situation as you to discuss this with?
I was on flights for 10 years of my kids’ lives and au pairs spent more time with them in the week. However this wasn’t unusual in my work sphere. I knew when it was too much out of house and didn’t fly those weeks. Sometimes you need to do it, for various reasons - and no one can know what that is for you personally.
Many senior women I knew said the crunch time is around puberty and to be there then. I didn’t quite make that, but was knocked for six by covid during the pandemic, long covid etc and ended up working from home and lying down for 2.5 years. I saw the kids all the time. We all LOVED it. Do they say yeah mum you were always on a plane - yes, but then I was there for sports day, karate competitions, parents’ evening etc. I don’t regret the busy work years - I loved it - and my kids I know are both proud of me. I am unusual amongst many of the mums I’m friends with, but I don’t think any of us minds.
I’m not sure on this one that MN is quite the right place to be asking. You are probably quite unusual.
Think carefully before giving up something you’re by good at - and see if there are other ways to manage it. Outsource everything possible. Work at 8pm onwards. Book out imaginary meetings to spend time with them. Go to bed the minute they are asleep, don’t bother eating - you will be crazy tired. Xx

Some roles do just involve long hours /sharp bursts of long hours.

Here you need to delegate/cut corners. But decide on non negotiable chunks of time with your children.

Also, I think sometimes in a new role there's a sense of needing to do it all perfectly. Are you getting bad feedback? I often feel like I am failing despite getting good feedback and I have realised I need to squash my inner perfectionist /people pleaser and sometimes just do "good enough". Or even "fail" at little things to ensure the big things get prioritised.

I'm wobbling having done a similar thing to you but I keep telling myself the first few years are the sharp learning curve and then things will get easier. Already some things I found mind achingly hard in my new role at the outset now feel routine (it's just new crazy stuff keeps popping up!)

I figure my work need me to not burn out though, so blocking out time, ignoring the trivia, etc is important

“Don’t bother eating”? I only wanted to quote that one sentence but don’t know how to do that … I’m not being disrespectful to the person who’s just said that, who has taken the time to give a considered reply to the OP, but reading that sent a cold shiver down my spine. I worked very hard indeed when my kids were little. I did have to work, and I also loved my job (which I’m not convinced the OP does) but the lifestyle described here of working after the children are in bed and NOT BOTHERING TO EAT is just wrong.
There has to be a balance, or something will give, and it’s likely to be the OP’s physical or mental health.

I’m in a similar position. I’m off on holiday next week and I’m going to assess my life. I have a few financial commitments I’m tied to this year, so I need to be sensible.

Fortunately my lovely daughter doesn’t miss out as she chooses to do lots of sports clubs (she is never pushed) but I’m constantly exhausted and I’m always in need of sleep.

I’m looking for a new role at present. If things don’t improve, or I’m not getting much luck it may be a case of just resigning.

I just want to say, I’m perimeno and late for my period and I have ADHD and I’m overwhelmed with life right now.
I don’t mean any of this with attitude or malice, just in case this comes across not as I mean for it to 🙏🏻✌🏻🫶🏻

You have been blessed with being able to have children. So many would give an organ to be in your position.

Your senior job comes with a lot of stress but a wage that is giving you the ability to have nice things, although you don’t actually need to work.

To me its a no brainer mate.

You’remeasuring success on how good a job you have and how much money. And if that’s important to you, then fair enough.

The real success (in my opinion) is being present with your children and them having mum around (even if they’re exasperating like my 2). Having parents present is what kids want, they don’t care about anything else. They may only care for finer things because that’s what they’ve learned and have been lucky to be able to have. I’m sure they wouldn’t be bothered if they didn’t have as much money but had a happier, more energised (supplements help!) mum and I’m sure you’d enjoy the pace in time, or maybe straight away.

You’ll only know if you make that change.
Good luck whatever you do x

Personally I wouldn’t have taken the promotion, but perhaps you weren’t fully aware of what the extra commitment would be?

I think if you don’t really need the money, reduce your hours (could you job share) or take a less intense role and spend time with the DC while they are still young.

Reframe as:
Be grateful you have a big salary increase given the COL. because there are a lot of people out there who work a lot, barely see their children and are not paid well at all and can barely make ends meet.
get a cleaner and a weekly babysitter to take them to their activities.
after a year or two start looking for less pressured but just as well paid job with the benefit of this promotion under your belt.

Actually not eating after 6 pm is very healthy:) has great health outcomes

Life is too short for this.
Your kids will grow up fast.
You will get on your deathbed and regret working so much, it's the top regret.

Are you in charge of people? Honestly, delegating is the most important skill in senior roles. If you get good people, your job just becomes keeping them happy and facilitating them doing amazing work. On a day to day basis you can set it up so it's not super taxing.

Alternatively, if you do work rather than manage, look into productivity tips like setting a 10min timer for each task and then having a break. You can get loads done, super quickly, and because you're taking lots of breaks and time off you'll feel less burnt out. < this is what has worked for me

More hours doesn't equate to more productivity

This.

I have always had demanding jobs - but I had decent childcare. There is no way I could have done my job and taken the children to clubs etc. Nor did I do the cleaning . You cannot do everything and you should not be trying to.

Your children will be young for a very short time. You'll never get this time back. If you don't HAVE to work these long hours, then don't.

It's not the life I'd choose, you only get one shot at their childhood and it's over in a flash, but if you enjoy it then roll with it

Life really is too short. You could get a nanny who would run the house and care for your children. You could downsize everything and live the slow life. I did the latter and whilst I miss the career stuff I don't regret it one little bit. Up to you but this chaotic situation will make you miserable.