To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

That they are worth time and energy, that they aren't an inconvenience, that there is capacity in the home to nurture their interests?

Not that I think this effort needs to land solely on the op, but it needs to come from somewhere.

@LaurieStrode i think there is a balance though. My children would 100% rather I could take them to activities every day make every school assembly etc. They understand that my work means I can’t do that but if they could choose I’m sure they’d rather I didn’t work at all.

At the moment I think we have a compromise that just about works- they see me working but I can be around of an evening. If I went up a level, the reality is everyone else would have a worse time for not that much more money and I am restricting my progression because of that.

Are you feeling overwhelmed because you’re still getting to grips with your role? If so, you may feel differently in another few months.

why not get some paid help like a cleaner & a nanny?

This is such a trite, self-centered and immature response, that often comes up on MN. The adult may feel that it's all housework and chauffeuring and question why they gave up ego-boosting money-making in favour of being a skivvy. The child doesn't see or feel that at all. If you have children, you'll know what they feel and see. And the older they get, and latest by the minute they're expecting children of their own, the better the grasp they have on whether their parent "sidelined" their career (ffs) in order to be present for their child, or whether they chose instead to "model" working (like working or not working is even a choice most people have these days).

DH and I have always worked so hard for "extras". I really regret it now and wish we had spent less time working and more time doing what we loved as a family.
I was so upset recently to overhear our 3 adult DC discussing how much they hated having to go to before and after school clubs. I wish I had never sent them, we didn't "need" the money to live, it was more to pour into pensions and subsidise the high street shops!
DH has recently retired and pretty much immediately got diagnosed with a life limiting and disabling disease. So much for this being "our time". What's the point of having money if you don't enjoy today?

@SoShallINever

I think those are very wise words. I’m sure your 3 adult DC’s are wonderful and you’ve given them lots of love and opportunities. I do think there are advantages/disadvantages to both scenarios : and if you take one route it’s very easy to see/regret what might have been…
But I do think it’s true. My work family won’t really remember me, the people who love and need me the most are my DC. And we can be happy living without a great, great many material high street commodities.

I'm leaning towards don't give up your job and think there's a few things that you need to try first of you actually enjoy it.

Get the cleaner sorted - it's the quickest win you can have and a tidy house has a huge impact - it makes everything feel less chaotic.

Estimate how much on the large year you had to work over and above standard hours and sense check if it's worth it. Has your hourly rate actually gone down despite the big payrise?

The way I assess it snd I'm sure others have better approaches it like this:

For no additional hours, my salary needs to be X

Where occasional overtime is required, my salary needs to be Y

For 25% extra hours, my salary needs to be Z (the increase in salary must always be more than the increase in hours, demands and stress)

I eother get my salary increase to match or change role.

I'm going to give you a different perspective here: my mother massively prioritised her career over me (only child). What's interesting is not the impact on me, but on her. She's in her 70s now and it's so obvious that she feels she's missed out. And she really has. I know that now even more that I have my own children and do the things with them that she never did with me.

With that in mind, I've prioritised a job that is well enough paid to cover our needs, but has good hours, good work life balance and a supportive team. I work 4 days a week. And I know by the way that I am immensely lucky and privileged to have this job, and that it's not an option for many.

But also, I worked in the kind of job you describe in my 20s and early 30s. Endless hours, late nights, early mornings, weekends, pressure. It was exciting for about 5 minutes, and then I hated it. Even then I was asking myself, in late night taxis taking me from the office for a few hours' sleep at home, before returning to the office : "Who am I doing this for, because it definitely isn't for me". No way would I do that again if I didn't have to. And no, I wasn't paid an investment banker salary for it either.

Remember that the professional classes had nannies, housekeepers etc. Look at any old townhouse and see the upper windows where the staff lived. Don’t beat yourself up for doing their job as well as your own.

I think why do you want to do so much? Who are you trying to impress? Is it for status, like a fancy job title?

I think a lot of people were brought up to do the best they can career wise, and it can go against that ingrained message to say “actually this isn’t what I want”.

Connected to this, many people’s sense of self is tied up with their job. The first question many people ask on meeting a new person is “so what do you do?”

As is often the case, there is no clear right or wrong answer- it’s what works for you. Personally, I try to be a role model to my children by living the way that makes me happy. I would hate for them to wake up one day 30 years from now and realise they have regrets. The question is, what regrets do you want to avoid?

I would try to compromise by doing a combination of outsourcing tasks where you can (cleaner, driver for kids activities)and also see about reducing responsibilities or a 4 day week. Don’t give up your career if you don’t want to!

Also, a lot of the SAHMs I talk to are also the ones secretly terrified their partners will cheat and leave them in deep financial trouble!!

This is your life and a simple question. Do you want to prioritise your career or family time? Answer that question whole-heartedly and make the appropriate changes if necessary. If you choose family then yes there will be less money but so long as you have enough to survive then does it matter right now? I'm a SAHM and we have no spare cash, no holidays etc. But those things are not as important to me as being with my children. If your career is important to you then that's okay too.

The thing is nobody ever looked back at their life and wished they had worked more…

I dont see how people can have it all ie two high powered careers and have children - something has to give and it’s often the children or the mum’s sanity!

It’s not always easy to do jobs part time (as in reality you work more), but is this an option for you at all? Your DCs will only be small for such a short time. Before you know it they are teenagers.

I don’t have a high-powered job, but I always worked part time since DS was young taking him to school and I have treasured the time with him.

I opted to put my kids before my career. No decision is wrong. But if your kids are actually suffering, something needs to give.

Reading some of the responses on a thread like this, it really shines a light on why so many women of my generation are choosing not to have kids.

It's a lose-lose situation, really.

You become a SAHM. It's good when things are good, but as much as people like to say otherwise, your well-being will still be dependent on you being in your husband's good graces. So many of us have watched our dads cheat and then watch our mums (after 15 years at home) struggle. So many of us grew up watching the power imbalance that's there when your parents are in a provider/dependent relationship. Our dads aren't bad dads or even bad men, but having been on both sides of the equation, I'd much rather be the provider if I had to choose.

You become a working mum. People will try to guilt you about how your children are worse off, people will come along telling you you're damaging your children and that you're missing out. Also, good luck having your husband sacrifice his career for you. It happens sometimes, no doubt, but more often than not, the burden will always fall to the women because "that's how it is".

I don't think I put my kids before my career. I put myself before my career. In some ways I miss the career but the amount of stress and planning and outside help that seems to be needed to make it happen (given i have young kids) would just make me want to go back to bed and hide. Not everyone feels that way and that's great!

It's nice to be able to hang out with my kids without having to worry and make special time for it, but beyond that it's nice to feel happy and relatively unstressed.

So it mostly comes down to what you want and what you need. Yes its important to bond with your kids and make them feel loved and supported but most working parents manage that just fine. It's just hard (as you are finding out) to make time for everything. You hire housekeepers and log on in the evenings, etc. what you really lose out on above all else is downtime for yourself.

Is your career important enough to you to do that? There is no right or wrong answer imo, just a right or wrong answer for you.

I should add that your DH should be (and presumably is, given what you have said) asking himself the same questions.

In my case there are multiple reasons we agreed it is mostly down to me, which are not connected to my being female.

There's a programme on the tellybox called Rich holiday/ Poor holiday or something. What strikes me is that the rich kids - who normally go off ski-ing or pony trekking in exotic destinations, but have to spend a week on a rainy campsite near Skegness instead - so so often love the holiday. And the reason is, they're with the family all the time: the Mum isn't at the spa and the Dad isn't doing golf and they're not in kids' club. Maybe not so much for teenagers, but for younger ones it's a bit of an eye opener for 'rich' parents who were telling themselves the expensive experience holidays were benefitting the children the most.

I guess it depends what you think is top priority. My ds are now 25&22. I spent their childhood working as a single parent to make ends meet. I so regret not spending more quality time with them. I could only manage to spend time on holidays with them once a year. If only I could go back.............

But you wouldn’t have been able to make ends meet if you’d spent more time with them. That would habe been miserable for everyone.

I hesitate to post as what's right for me may well be completely different from what's right for you. You haven't really said whether you like your job, and it's just too much time, or you don't really like it but felt obliged to take it for whatever reason. It makes a massive difference which.

From my perspective, I've missed some key stuff with DD over the years - she would undoubtedly like more time with me. But she's now a teenager with very expensive tastes, and I'm also glad that when I am there we can afford to do things we both enjoy (travel and theatre, in particular). DH has been much more present than I have. That said, I ring-fence weekends - unless the sky is falling in, Friday night till Sunday night is for family.

The other side of the coin is that I love my job, and it makes a difference. If I had ever really had to choose, I would have chosen my career over having children. On my deathbed I will know the difference I made.

I don't think it's about prestige or status; earning more when the kids are young means that pensions are funded, parents can help with uni, options for holidays and travel are wider. In general the family will have more options with more income.

You can't make up for the time value of money. Setting aside funds when you're in your 30s and 40s is more effective than scrambling to fund a pension in one's 50s and 60s, because in younger years the contributions have much longer to grow.

Not to mention preserving one's independence and earning power. There are legions of women standing around dumbfounded at age 45, 50 or 60 because they spent their prime earning years as SAHP or PT worker, and now have to figure out how to make a living and support a household singlehandedly. Women who have stayed in the workforce and put aside their own savings over the years won't be as blindsided if the marriage breaks up.

And, child free women will tell you how society treats them as deficient for not having children.

Which goes to show, it isn't about what anybody else thinks. The OP's children are here. She is their mother. It's ONLY about what she (jointly with her DH) thinks is best for the children, her and the family as a whole. Other people can only offer their perspective from their own experiences.

The saying...the one thing you can't buy is time is very apt