To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

Do you enjoy the work? If so, go for it, the kids will not suffer if you are fulfilled, as they get older they can actually take some of the weight off yours's & hubby's shoulders by helping around the house. A bit of TV never hurt anyone, but if you do not enjoy it, & actually want to spend more time with your kids, you need to consider cutting back on your hours & presumably your pay. I rarely saw my kids when they were younger I enjoyed my job, long hours & all, spending time with the kids was actually my idea of hell. Hubby was a workaholic too, but when you are self employed work always comes first in the race to keep a roof over your heads. We all seem to have come through it with the aid of a willing grandma, but both my kids now always prioritise their kids & I wonder if the fact they didn't see a lot of us has actually worked in the grandkids favour. You are the only person who can make this decision but rest assured whatever you decide has to be right for you, do something to please everybody else & you will resent it & make everybody's life a misery, Do what is best for you & everybody will be happy & content.

I hear you, but when you’re sitting with a comfortable retirement ahead of you, you might think it was worth it.

Exactly, @Hibiscrubbed

Everyone would like an excuse to not work; we all have things we'd prefer to spend time on.

I'm horrified that you worked 100 plus hours last week - that's 15 hours a day every day for 7 days non-stop, barely enough to eat and sleep in between times. The normal legal maximum is 48 hours per week, although your job probably puts you outside that limit if necessary. There are lots of exceptions. But 100 plus hours is ludicrous. Any decent employer would give you at least 50 hours off in lieu (TOIL) to compensate, but I'm guessing your employer hasn't offered any TOIL? If the expectation in your employment is that you should work hours that are, frankly, inhumane, then this is not a good company to work for. If your role is task-based and a more experienced/better organised employee could do in 40 hours what takes you 100 hours, then I think you're in the wrong job; it's just not right for you. The level of stress you are experiencing, and the anxiety you have around spending time with the DC and managing household tasks, is simply not good for you. I think something has to change - and it's almost certainly this job. Sorry!

Or you get to retirement and years of stress taken its toll and you fall ill or dont live very long to enjoy the money or do the things you wanted to!

Its about the right balance.

I agree that it may be a bit lost in the debate that in 2023, parents can work full time and still be there for drop off and pick up and finger-painting.

This whole, ‘I’d rather remember being with my kids than working’ thing doesn’t really apply to the schools hours between 9-3pm… that’s 30 hours (assuming your child does no school sports/clubs after school)?!

It’s very strange reading some of these posts that sound like 2 full time parents in 2023 automatically miss out on what stay home parents do…. It’s just not a given anymore!

We both work full-time (at least one of us is WFH on any given weekday), and do drop-off and pick ups and homework and dinner and bedtime. Evenings and weekends are sacred family time (usually National Trust, good food, family film, social event). We are also able to go for couple runs, walks, and lunch as ’dates’ during some slower work days! The kids are usually in a sport/club or after school club (which they cry if they miss) until 4:30pm. This works brilliantly for us as a family and can’t see how we’d have regrets about it when we’re 70? There are a few pressure points throughout the year where 6pm picks have to be done but they are very rare.

Just felt like I needed to point out that for anyone in this dilemma, things have changed massively over the last 30 years and maybe you can have your cake and eat it too…

@Drttc I agree it's a bit lost in some of the replies, which are therefore not 100% relevant to the OP; she's trying to decide whether to stick with the crazy hours or go back to the arrangement you describe.

Buy in all the help you need.

This is my life!

I think you are seeking answers that only you can provide.
Seems time to put pen to paper and seriously think about the pros and cons of the new role with both short term and longer term impacts in mind.
I have a senior role, not a high flyer myself but direct report to exec and my workload fluctuates. I have two young kids and I really struggle when work becomes manic because I simply don’t have the bandwidth to do everything I have to in order to feel like a competent employee, good wife, good mother and functional manager of life admin.
But for me, the fact it’s tough in those moments is okay, because I have more manageable moments than the crazy driven by a deadline moments.
If it was the other way round I think I would reprioritise, but that’s a very personal choice.

I'm in a similar position as I'm completing a PhD while starting a new career that involves a lot of complex training. I literally work non stop feeling like I'm not doing enough all the time. I have stopped house work, elaborate cooking and now either do childcare or work. Considering additional paid child care, a cleaner etc. Do a list of must do things each day and aim for that. Give the children 30 minute bursts. Good luck and congratulations 🎊

Bid writing it's a difficult job in terms of deadlines and just the learning curve and no one to delegate to.

I think you need to outsource as much as possible at home long term. Perhaps more of a cleaner/housekeeper role?

I have ADHD and completely get the inability to be able to switch between job and being a Mum.

I can see both sides, if you love your job and are using skills you get well paid for and satisfaction from, but you shouldn’t have to work those hours - and whilst you won’t be alone, if people don’t say ‘no, these hours are not doable’, employers will abuse their staff and expect it. I also would say you and your husband clearly chose to have children, children don’t ask to be born, you have made a great start providing a secure attachment which will bring them confidence and likely better mental health outcomes. children don’t need constant clubs and to be the centre of attention, but they do need to know you are there for them, right through to their 2Os and beyond. You and your husband need to find a way between you to keep that foundation strong and your children are old enough now to understand that you have other commitments. Do encourage them to talk to you about any worries etc. But if they miss an activity, or have tea late once a week, it isn’t such a big deal. Make sure the important dates are kept free for them between you and your husband and get paid help for things you can to free up time for family.

I regret not having a fulfilling job to go back to, but don’t regret time at home, I would have felt happier in myself now if I had more career opportunities when my DC were settled at school.

Chances are retirement for your generation will be further away, and state pension too - if you want to take a small step back now, you have more than enough years to make it up later. Or maybe your DH would like to?

Someone may have already said this, but you need to make sure that you are delegating work to the people that work with you. If it is still to much, I would definitely try to talk to management before just giving up. Depending on how much you make, you could maybe offer to use a part of your recent wage rise to hire an assistant. but ask for an assistant on their dime first, then offer to use some of your raise for it if they flat deny the request.

That time with kids is so short, when you're working and parenting and consolidating your life....I totally regret working long days and farming kids out. Do the best for you all, if you can, and turn away from comparing yourself to others and earning more than you need. Life is for living. You only get one turn of this wheel as far as we know. Meet your needs, be compassionate and have a nice time without doing harm.

I think the bottom line is (unless you got super high level household support e.g. an au pair ) you just can't have both parents working flat out like this. You are being pulled in too many directions.

Well the answer isn't to quit straight away!

You need to delegate the cleaning and other jobs that you can. Streamline cooking/food ordering. And as far as spending time with the kids is concerned - they have two parents, so you and your DH need to sit down and work out how you can BOTH take time out from work to do things with them. That said, my kids have done very few after school activities over the years as we didn't have the time/energy to do it - they did activities either at school or at the weekend and have turned out fine.

Only you know if you can manage your time better at work - whether that's by reducing what you do, or getting more efficient with it.

I worked throughout (both full and part time and many combinations of hours/childcare arrangements) and now my youngest is 11 (and my oldest is 24) and I'm divorced, I am pleased that I did both because I would have been fucked on divorce if I hadn't and also because I am proud to have a career and pleased to have a pension. I know my children are proud of me, and I also feel I've been a good role model for them.

Wow it sounds like you and your husband have a lot on your plate! Why not try to implement a few measures to support you and the family, and if, after 6 months/ a year, you still feel this way then perhaps then it's time for a rethink. It probably takes minimum 6 months to know what you are doing in a responsible job so things might look a lot different 6 months down the line.

Action plan:

1. Get a cleaner ASAP. Pay them well. Pay them extra to get the house into shape at the beginning if needs be.
2. Find a lovely babysitter / afterschool nanny or someone who can take the children for a few hours a day/a week so you can finish your work. Wall-to-wall TV is fine for the occasional emergency but not for every day. if you know the children are with someone lovely for the gap between end of nursery/school and when you / DH end work it will take away some of the guilt and stress.

Parenting is a job - looking after children, cooking, shopping for food/school uniform etc etc, cleaning, helping with homework is labour. If you don't have time to do it all make sure there is someone around who can help you.

I wish you all the best! I'm sure all this will resolve itself but don't try and do it all alone! Good luck xxx

I had the chance to work more hours and get extra money. I actually asked the kids how they felt, for example we would have more money to do nice things/holidays etc (we don’t have much now, tight budget etc, but manage on what we have). They categorically told me that they didn’t care about stuff, they’d prefer me here. Out of the mouths of babes and all that I suppose.

Chances are retirement for your generation will be further away, and state pension too - if you want to take a small step back now, you have more than enough years to make it up later.

With all due respect, this is a mistake made by many people, who find that catching up isn't all that easy. And it's easier to hustle and work long hours when one is 40, compared to when one is 60.

The value of compounding cannot be overstated. Not to mention financial independence.

I had the option several months ago of applying for a more senior position with more money but it would’ve involved working far more hours and no doubt work at night time and stressful work at that. I would’ve ended up ratty with the kids. I would also have had to miss clubs football etc. for these reasons I chose not to apply for it. You have to ask yourself - is the monetary increase worth what you’re missing out on? You say you have had a 50% increase in pay. Have you ? Take the hours you now work and divide them by your salary and see how much you are actually making more.

Yes, but children don't have the intellectual ability or life experience to understand all of the ramifications (financial, career, old age, independence in case of divorce, etc.) of such a decision. It's not something they should be consulted on, frankly.

Mine are 30, 19 and 15 now. It’s only the last year I’ve took a promotion that’s put me in higher tax band and means I have to work longer hours and I’m go go go all day. Many people tell me they couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have done it when kids were younger. I still had a fair amount of responsibility before the promotion but that was more manageable when they were little than now. My kids have their own lives now and I’m single so can devout the time. My ex on the other hand carried on in his career, went abroad for 7 of the last 12yrs. He’s now paying the price when kids don’t want to stay at his house. There needs to be a balance I think when they are young.

Once you decide to have children, you make a decision to put them first. It's that or don't have them. Your children deserve more than you are willing to give them. You should never have accepted a job which you knew would leave you less time to devote to them. Step back. Put your family first or one day you will regret your decisions.

Heya!

As a working parent I think you will always have some sort of mum guilt. Sounds like the balancing act is tough now.

It sounds like your job is very stressful and unfortunately affecting the time you have with your children.

Many have already said it but do you think the stress is more so getting used to the work and creating some sort of system for yourself whilst you “learn the ropes” or do you think that the job will always remain full on.

If it’s a case of giving yourself 6 months to settle into the job, maybe do that. If it doesn’t get better - ask for less hours (not sure if you are ready to quit like many have suggested - my guess is that you might still enjoy work).

Also if you are senior what about your team? Do you have one? Can you get one? Can you delegate? What is the main target and can you then remove unnecessary “nice to do” tasks so that you can focus on key deliverables only to get the pressure off your back.

Also it’s important that you do not burn out . Your health is just as important