To think maybe I've got my life priorities all wrong?

[Boodge]

I took a big promotion at work last year which came with a 50% pay rise and a heap of extra responsibilty. I'd only recently gone back to full time hours following my youngest starting primary school. It's been bloody hard work - steep learning curve, high-pressure deadlines. I still feel like I'm only just about doing enough to not get sacked.

I've just finished a really challenging week - goodness knows how many hours I've worked, I've been glued to my laptop day and night and over most of the weekend. DH is also really busy and has been out of the house a lot with work.

DC have watched far far too much TV because we've not had time to do anything else with them or I've got ratty with them about the amount of mess and noise they're making. They've missed out on some of their regular activities because I've simply not had the time to take an hour or two out to take them there. The house is in even more carnage than usual, which is saying something.

Is this just normal life? I feel so guilty for my DC who just don't get enough of us. Part of me wants to step back from this but I would feel like a failure.

I'm going to give you a different perspective here: my mother massively prioritised her career over me (only child). What's interesting is not the impact on me, but on her. She's in her 70s now and it's so obvious that she feels she's missed out.

If a mother who decides not to give up her career is seen as prioritising it, guess my mother did as well. She's also in her 70s and still working, loves her career. Us DC have always been very proud of her achievements and none of us wish she was there doing fingerpainting with us instead.

But I don't even agree that having a decent career automatically means you're selfishly prioritising work/money over kids. Yes, the currrent situation affects kids, but because OP is just tired and overwhelmed. I would try to get some help with cleaning and organising first, which would allow the family to relax over the weekend. Quitting the job so you can cook and taxi the kids does not have to be the first choice.

Is your role actually ever likely to get any easier as you become more experienced, OP? Or is there the remotest chance you will quickly be promoted to a role which is considerably easier to cope with and more fulfilling? Tbh, your role doesn’t sound remotely enjoyable or even particularly fulfilling if you don’t get any buzz from the process. Do you even get sufficient pleasure from successfully hitting targets?

Which is more of a failure to you - not what others think of you, but what you think of you - stepping back from your current paid role, or being unable to step back from your laptop and not be ratty with your kids? Were you basically happier doing a different type of work and this was an unnecessary sideways-step masquerading as a promotion?

How much do you feel able to rely on and trust others? Would you want to be married to you at the moment? Which do you think is the greater risk to you and which would make you feel more foolish - marriage break up because you are work-obsessed and no pleasure to live with; or marriage break up because your dh wanted a younger model and resented you for your inadequate earning power? What really makes you feel most happy and successful in life? How much do you believe this stress is a short-term issue which you can bring under control with a bit more focus, and how much do you fear it might end up as decades of work and feelings of overwhelm always getting in the way of family life?

You know your personality best. Think back over how you have coped in the past with this sort of level of stress. Have you ever needed to step back, or did you get past it? Have you harmed friendships and those closest to you in the past when you have felt like this? Is this a whole new level of magnitude you have never before experienced, or is the duration of it beyond what you have had to endure in the past?

Spot on! 🙌

It will get easier give yourself another 12 months then reassess

Is your husband having the same moral dilemma about not spending enough time with the children?

sometimes it’s a bit of a female burden - but speaking as someone in a similar position I would say that it will settle. If you genuinely want to be at home more and can afford it - then go for it.

But if you really like your job and want to make it work then my advice would be to make the absolute most of holidays and down time. So use the extra cash for some great holidays and days out and really make those memories when you can.

The balance is hard and you’ll always feel guilty - but make the very most of the moments you get. Children can cope with the odd weekend in front of the TV. And unless you’re Mary Poppins, everyone has a stressful / stroppy couple of days from time to time.

Be kinder to yourself - and congrats on the promotion xx

Read about Claudia Goldin and greedy jobs! I think she is right: in families w kids you can only have one greedy job, without incredible support.

if your job is greedy now, then your DH needs to make his less greedy for a bit. And then in a couple of years, when you are solid, maybe it can be his turn.

i think this is a really helpful way to think about work and its demands.

Congrats on the promotion. I'm in a similar position although my dc are both in senior school now which was one of the reasons I took the position. I have mostly kept to my core hours and have made a point of not being 'on call'. Not sure how long this will last. I have reinstated a cleaner (twice a month), get the shopping done online and delegated cooking in the week so it's not all on me. I don't have the activity issue as they are older but they do after school clubs. After they get home they had shed loads of homework so we make a point to sit down and eat. Make sure you make time for yourself, like a walk or some sort of exercise this will help in all areas of life. I went for the promotion because of the cost of living and to pay bills! I try and make the most of the weekends. You're doing better than you probably think so don't beat yourself up. Virtual hug!

Yes I read a good article - saying basically women have done everything right but we are now screwed by the ridiculous demands of some jobs. They force couples into the model of one going for it unimpeded at work and a default parent either sahm or v low key job holding the family together. Two adults in those jobs is brutal for the family.

Is your husband having the same moral dilemma about not spending enough time with the children?

I think the difference is DH has more mental capacity to juggle work and family than I have (I have ADHD, depression and anxiety and hitting peri, it’s a combo!) - he can come back from a full day of work and immediately turn his attention to managing homework and tidying. I find that much harder. For me it’s not just have I got the time, it’s have I got the mental capacity?

I do sometimes wonder what trick was played on us that we wanted wanted what the men had rather than men wanting what the women had? Both parents working full time is increasingly the norm and are we happier or better off for it?

The alternative is that you have a huge cohort of dependent adults, whose livelihood depends on their spouse. And then they become dependents on we the taxpayers when things go belly-up, as they so often do.

I think anyone capable of supporting himself or herself should be doing so.

It’s not surprising fewer people in developed countries now choose to have children at all. This horror of dependency militates against having anyone dependent on you, either, dragging you down, holding you back, threatening your independence. Children, dependent partners - all just millstones round the neck of the employee (who is a bit of a millstone round the neck of their employer - thank God for AI).

No. The alternative is that you have a robust legal, economic and cultural environment that values all contributions to society. Not just the ones that make money.

That sounds about right.

@Boodge
Ask most women after a divorce if they are better off having stayed at home and not worked. Children who grow up in a home with 2 working parents experience that as their norm. I don't think that they necessarily feel cheated. I suspect that they become slightly more independent and earlier problem solvers than some of their peers.

Maybe what you need is more focused time management- a cleaner and someone to assist with transport to clubs a nd activities would probably reduce a lot of the stress that you are feeling and possibly transmitting to your children.

The best cleaner/mom's helper that I had for years was a grandmother who worked for us while providing childcare for her infant then toddler grandchild. We set-up a crib and later play pen and play area in our spare bedroom. She worked for us, and we allow her to bring the grand baby to work with her. We were out of the house during the day , so the baby's presence posed no inconvenience for us. We paid her a daily rate so we did not care how much or how little time it took her to complete the job. It only mattered that the job was completed by the time that we returned home.

She was terrific, and thrilled to have a job that allowed her to earn and assist her daughter with childcare at the same time. She was also willing to do the occasional school pickup in a pinch

My kids loved her and enjoyed the occasional interactions with the grand baby.

I learned a lot about negotiating from that experience. By being flexible , we were able to meet our needs while being accommodating of her situation. It was truly a win-win for both of us.

What is your job, out of curiosity? If you don’t mind saying that is!

If things didn't change, what do you think they would realistically be like in 1 year? In 6 years (and imagine the age of your children then, too. Are they still too young to leave for very long? Probably.) If you withdrew from this and wanted to re-enter after that time, or move for good opportunities you cared about, would it be likely? What would make you wake up in the morning and think it was all sorted and you were well on top of the former difficulties? Do you feel more guilty about the priority struggle over the workload or the family time?

There aren't really all that many non-stressful jobs any more. Technically I found one that's PT and wfh - it requires a lot more hours and it is more like living at work, and it's not very respected (with no real sense of team work or understanding of each other's roles). It's quite isolating and engagement can be difficult. The benefits? I could take a child to school (no longer need to). I'm usually there when they are back. Summer holidays are not as hard as pre-2020. Babysitting is now quite a rarity. I don't spend much but nor is it that easy to switch off or spend a single weekend or holiday without a 'quick' laptop check. If people come to stay, "my office" (the space at home) is pretty disrupted and getting back to its working role quickly enough is quite horrible. Some people will see this set-up as super-lucky, I know this. I wanted it because it is technically all about my family, but I am not sure that they see it as a benefit or if they get my energy and 'happy version' very often.

Noond is saying she quits her job! OP herself siad the promotion is extra money , clearly they were doing okay without it even had a cleaner.

So even if OP stepped back to what it was before she is still making good money but just less stressed and more time with the kids.

But why does it have to be “all or nothing”? In my opinion I have a career, AND I do finger painting with my children. I find it a bit worrying that unless you work weekends, late nights, holidays, etc, you aren’t considered to be a “high flier” and have “given up on your career”. It seems to me that this is a peculiarly Anglo Saxon attitude, and we can learn a lot from our colleagues in the Nordics, and also, yes, our Southern European colleagues when it comes to work life balance. You can and should be able to do well in your job AND knock off at 6pm, have weekends and holidays free, have flexibility in how and where you work, or even work part time.

I know, as I say, that I am immensely lucky in my job, and my team - they are fantastically supportive. But I am also ruthless in keeping it from becoming “a greedy job”. And by the way, it’s not about sexism. My husband also works in a traditionally “greedy job” (I love the term!) and throughout our marriage I’ve also been ruthless in not letting him slide into his job encroaching. I believe we all deserve to be able to perform well at work AND have a fulfilling family life - or indeed life outside of work.

Lovely that neither your mother nor you regret her choices. I don’t regret my mother’s choices, but that’s because other people - my grandparents- stepped into her shoes and gave me the attention I needed. She is the one who regrets it the most. Obviously the flip side is that I was closer to my grandparents, and my childhood memories that now fuel how I bring up my children are of them. The thing is, I’m pretty sure my mother would still have had a fulfilling career had she weighted it and her life outside of work more equally. It’s not just me she didn’t prioritise - she also had little in the way of outside interests or friends.

And by the way, this isn’t about sexism. I feel exactly the same way when it comes to fathers. I benefited hugely from both my grandmother AND grandfather investing a lot of time in me as a child, and that it’s the model I aspire to with my children.

I find it a bit worrying that unless you work weekends, late nights, holidays, etc, you aren’t considered to be a “high flier” and have “given up on your career”

No I agree, I didn't actually send my children for wolves to raise either and did plenty of fingerpainting. My comment was a response to all the comments where OP was told she must quit working as otherwise she's damaging her children.

My comment was a response to all the comments where OP was told she must quit working as otherwise she's damaging her children.

I wasn’t suggesting that at all. Just that she may want to have more balance.

To be clear, when I said my mother prioritised her career, I don’t mean “she had a career”. I mean she literally had just a career and no time for anything else. I would feel the same way if that was my father - that they’ve missed out. Not just on their child, but on life generally.

@Boodge so you say you have ADHD and depression as well? I assume this is also fuelling your stress levels here. At this point I'd have a think whether this job is going to push you too hard for your sanity?

Alternatively most parents at my school have au pairs or nannies, even those with just one child and don't work. Could you look into this?

I’m assuming you live in a super wealthy area if even the parents who don’t work have nannies and au pairs?!

1. Either the company had unrealistic expectations which is your job to manage - you either need more resources or manage your time better and delegate
2. Your not cut out for doing your job at all

It has nothing to do with being in senior management (director level / head of department here)

I think it depends on the organisation and the role - in my previous department it wasn’t the norm to work excessive hours, even at more senior levels. In this department the work is fundamentally different so there is definitely more of periods of intense hours.

There’s definitely an element of me having to “fake it til I make it” and stuff more experienced people could do much faster than me takes me longer - as I said before a big part of my role is bid writing and people who have been doing it for years can turn them out much faster than me. This work simply isn’t done at a more junior level.

And I think there’s an element of me not being cut out of it - ADHD makes the amount of planning and juggling involved challenging.

But I dispute the idea that working long hours inevitably means your doing the job wrong.