Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

246 replies

FuckedOff11 · 17/10/2023 11:32

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/10/2023 15:09

AcrossthePond55 · 17/10/2023 14:59

@FuckedOff11

First off, if you have to conceal your spouse's behaviour from others, then you know they're treating you unacceptably to a high degree. Hiding major 'behaviour issues' is a red flag. It's a red flag for him that he's doing it, but it's also a red flag for you that you're concealing it. Not saying that you have to run and report every little 'tiff', those happen in the best of marriages.

Second, I'd be taking a very hard look at our business papers to be sure that I'm legally an equal partner with equal control and equal access to funds. That there is no area where my DH had more say or control than I do.

Thirdly, if I were you I'd be taking a long hard look at the 'total picture' of my marriage. I find it hard to believe that his nastiness and control issue happens only at work or around work issues. You need to look at how he treats you at home, how equal your division of 'domestic labour' is, and whether or not you 'modify' your actions or words to avoid setting off his temper.

Once you've done all that, consider what you want to do going forward.

This is very good advice.
Also I think if you have a parent you can confide in, then you should. Far worse if it comes to the crunch... and they still think he's a complete saint and don't give you their full support when needed because they need time to come to terms with this.
I don't think its a bad thing to let them know that there are some issues. If you do manage to address these issues and no longer feel like walking out, I don't think a supportive parent would criticise you for that. They'd probably just be glad that you've been able to work something out. A parent would want to support you emotionally and if you think you'd like to talk to them now when you are upset then go for it.

Also - why work hard on maintaining his image, when he's exhibited this behaviour in the past and now this. Let your parent's know his halo isn't as shiny as they think, if it helps you not to feel isolated and helps you rationalise how to deal with it.

Sorry but he does think you are his employee. Suggesting that you should have your wages cut for caring for a sick child is against employment law. You can suggest that if he's going to behave like the boss of you, he should adhere to employment law because in a normal workplace talking to you like that in front of the whole office is tribunal material.
As others have said. Check where you stand in this business legally to protect yourself.
One of the main advantages of being self employed is being flexible regarding child care. I'm sure you not one to not make up the time during the day.

At least your child has you to put their interests first. It looks like you also have to put your own interests first here too.

LadyBird1973 · 17/10/2023 15:18

He has created a toxic workplace and he'll be lucky if the employees who witnessed this display, don't talk to their unions or look for new jobs.
Given this is a joint business, his disgusting tantrum could cost you money!

I couldn't live with this - how can you maintain authority at work with a h who thinks it is okay to talk you like that?

If the business is lucrative, I'd look at ways to stay working together but would end the personal relationship. And make it very very clear to him at home that he is not the boss, that ownership of the company is very much joint and he has fuck all authority to not pay you!

If you could manage the business without him, I'd look into buying him out. But I couldn't come back from this on a personal level.

diddl · 17/10/2023 15:21

Also I think if you have a parent you can confide in, then you should. Far worse if it comes to the crunch... and they still think he's a complete saint and don't give you their full support when needed because they need time to come to terms with this.

You'd have to be a pretty shit parent not to give your full support/doubt your own child's version wouldn't you?

Honestly, if my son or daughter came to me telling me that their spouse is as shitty as Op's, I'd find it really hard if they decided to stay & I was expected to be civil & welcoming!

cestlavielife · 17/10/2023 15:21

You have to actually mean it. So get your paperwork finances and plans together.
But you do not need to wait for him to bully you again to divorce.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/10/2023 15:21

Fucking hell, your husband is a stupid cunt. Ugh.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 17/10/2023 15:34

OP, I've just read your post out to my DH, and his first response was 'leave him!' Perhaps that shows you the difference between a decent man and your H?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/10/2023 15:44

diddl · 17/10/2023 15:21

Also I think if you have a parent you can confide in, then you should. Far worse if it comes to the crunch... and they still think he's a complete saint and don't give you their full support when needed because they need time to come to terms with this.

You'd have to be a pretty shit parent not to give your full support/doubt your own child's version wouldn't you?

Honestly, if my son or daughter came to me telling me that their spouse is as shitty as Op's, I'd find it really hard if they decided to stay & I was expected to be civil & welcoming!

I was replying to pp advising OP not to tell parent in case they got back together.
I thought she was better off telling them now and not protecting his reputation. I wasn't suggesting they would doubt her although I do know that relatives can take time coming to terms with the issues, especially if she's kept it all from in the past.
I just thought if OP felt she could confide in them, then she shouldn't worry about whether she might change her mind or not, as it would be comforting for her to have someone to talk to about it.
I think it's better for OP if they understood the situation and were up to speed.

Exasperatednow · 17/10/2023 15:50

Do you actually want to work and live with him?

BTW my ds could be properly ill ill (to the point where the GP was concerned) and still run about.

You need to talk to him. And your dh needs to have a hard look at himself.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 15:57

*Plus you called him a "fucking dick".

There's no respect on either side.*

Calling someone a fucking dick when they are indeed acting like a fucking dick .... And that's putting it mildly, is hardly disrespectful on op's side.

Why would someone acting so unreasonably and disrespectfully to anyone ...including the op .. warrant a respectful response. We're human, not robots.

INeedAnotherName · 17/10/2023 15:59

shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me"
Fair enough. You get to stay and run the business and he gets to care for your joint child when ill.

Seriously though. He doesn't think you or your child are worthy of respect or love. He doesn't value you as a person in your own right. Who does the laundry and cleaning at home? (And yes, unless he apologises profusely and changes his attitude I would be off).

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 17/10/2023 16:02

SkyFullofStars1975 · 17/10/2023 11:55

Jesus wept, I can't believe that get signed off comment. As if that fucking works when it's your business Hmm are people really that stupid?!

DH and I run a business together, I get you completely OP. I would wait until he's home, and then have the "you ever speak to me like that again in front of ANYONE at work, it's done". And mean it. Can you extricate yourself if you have to?

say this but don't just say this, work conscientiously to get everything sorted out and ready so that if and when you had to follow through it was as painless as possible.

Oh and go into work tomorrow whilst he stays home with the kid. If he won't do that - do leave him tonight.

justasking111 · 17/10/2023 16:03

Are you really part owner legally @FuckedOff11

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:05

AliceOlive · 17/10/2023 13:48

My advice was to talk to her mother as she was already inclined to do. Yours is to blow up her life. Do you really think you are being helpful or respectful to this woman?

Show quote history

What is talking to her mother going to achieve?

Will it change her husband's core values?

It will ultimately be op's decision to take, regardless of the awareness & support or not, of her parents.

"Blow up her life" ..... Your use of words there is very loaded and very telling.

You are making a woman who's being subjected to abuse see separating or leaving (or even prepping for that scenario) as destruction, as a violent and foolish action. Instead of supporting her as many others have on this thread.

Again, rather disgraceful. So I'd return your question right back at you.

Do you feel you're being respectful or helpful, encouraging a woman who's being abused, to reason with her abuser .. and to see separating from him (or at least putting herself in a good position to separate) as a destructive, foolish action.

You are minimising abuse and scare mongering. Your closing question is rather ironic.

Seaweed42 · 17/10/2023 16:09

I'd be demanding he apologise to you in front of the work people tomorrow.

I wouldn't even get into the content of what is being discussed.
I'd just be saying coldly and calmly in front of everyone...

'Don't speak to me like that. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that.
It's disrespectful to me and it's disrespectful to those who are witnessing it. I'll discuss this later'.

If you start getting into the stuff about the kid being sick, being off work etc you are already letting him away with talking to you like you are a 2nd class citizen.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 17/10/2023 16:16

He thinks he's the boss of you.

And he's announced, more than once, that you don't have the right to take money from your own business.

Read that back.

He thinks he's in charge of your money/income from your own business.

And he doesn't care that there is ZERO choice when a nursery/school calls to collect a child. It was you or him; the child needed to be collected, end of.

You have serious problems here.

SeptemberSuns · 17/10/2023 16:16

YABU for two reasons. Firstly, you shouldn't be arguing in a professional place with your husband, if you can't work together without arguing one of you should leave.

Secondly, never say anything you don't mean. If you would leave him say it, if you wouldn't don't.

TooBigForMyBoots · 17/10/2023 16:17

YADNBU @FuckedOff11.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:17

UpaladderwatchingTV · 17/10/2023 15:34

OP, I've just read your post out to my DH, and his first response was 'leave him!' Perhaps that shows you the difference between a decent man and your H?

Even a bloke sees the futility of trying to work (in all meanings of the word) with this man; some of the posters on this thread are mind boggling.

Totally aside from the attitude to op, the business, the "paying" her etc.

WTAF are you supposed to say to someone whose response to a daycare asking you to collect a child they've judged to be too unwell to stay there is; "phone then and tell them we won't be collecting him!!". That is some top tier craziness, right there.

Then there's the verbally abusing his wife in front of their employees.

Then there's "we're partners in the business but actually you're not, I pay you, I decide if I pay you, I won't be paying you, you don't even get the legal rights of a normal worker because you are my wife ... I'm in charge".

And this is not new behaviour.

I would put a decent amount of money on a man like this not changing. There might be good behaviour periods, but you won't change him.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2023 16:20

I wouldn't give him a warning I'd just leave already.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:20

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 17/10/2023 16:16

He thinks he's the boss of you.

And he's announced, more than once, that you don't have the right to take money from your own business.

Read that back.

He thinks he's in charge of your money/income from your own business.

And he doesn't care that there is ZERO choice when a nursery/school calls to collect a child. It was you or him; the child needed to be collected, end of.

You have serious problems here.

Exactly.

This is no minor thing to be sorted by op having a discussion with him, and to be excused by "stress" (stress op is no doubt also under to some extent, but she is not behaving this way) - as some posters are stating

Even his behaviour in front of their employees ....how is this a reasonable person?

This is such an unprofessional uncomfortable unfair workplace, and it is created by him.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:28

Yours is to blow up her life.

Lemme also clue you in on an important fact .... (Because you sound just like people saying "I don't want to destroy my marriage/family" when they have an adulterous spouse .....).

Op wouldn't be the one who's blown up her life. Her charming husband is the one who would be; since his behaviour (of which there is a pattern) would be the cause of any separation, not ops behaviour or the decisions she's forced to make.

Just like cheated on spouses don't destroy their marriages if they leave (they're already destroyed); abused spouses don't "blow up their lives" if they leave.

ThreeLeggedParrot · 17/10/2023 16:28

He sounds bloody awful and incapable of prioritising his own children’s health.

AliceOlive · 17/10/2023 16:30

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:05

What is talking to her mother going to achieve?

Will it change her husband's core values?

It will ultimately be op's decision to take, regardless of the awareness & support or not, of her parents.

"Blow up her life" ..... Your use of words there is very loaded and very telling.

You are making a woman who's being subjected to abuse see separating or leaving (or even prepping for that scenario) as destruction, as a violent and foolish action. Instead of supporting her as many others have on this thread.

Again, rather disgraceful. So I'd return your question right back at you.

Do you feel you're being respectful or helpful, encouraging a woman who's being abused, to reason with her abuser .. and to see separating from him (or at least putting herself in a good position to separate) as a destructive, foolish action.

You are minimising abuse and scare mongering. Your closing question is rather ironic.

Edited
Show quote history

I cannot take you seriously. You obviously have your own things going on and want to influence people based on that.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 17/10/2023 16:33

I would be suggesting when he comes home that he can chose

A - he stays home with poorly child

B - he spends the day seeking out alternative childcare which will suit his needs

either way you should spend the day getting your ducks in a row to LTB. That level of disrespect in the workplace is never acceptable from a boss, colleague and definitely not from a husband/wife regardless.

GilberMarkham · 17/10/2023 16:34

SeptemberSuns · 17/10/2023 16:16

YABU for two reasons. Firstly, you shouldn't be arguing in a professional place with your husband, if you can't work together without arguing one of you should leave.

Secondly, never say anything you don't mean. If you would leave him say it, if you wouldn't don't.

You have the same definition of "arguing" as my abusive ex; which is when someone who's being harangued, berated, told to do or not do totally unreasonable things, disrespected, humiliated and verbally abused; is human and gets angry back or defends themselves.

A very interesting definition of the word arguing.

Not one in 100 people would be subjected to what op was and stay totally quiet and walk away silently. She is human.

Don't try to make an attack, and an entirely understandable response; into two way arguing. It's not.