To tell H I will leave him if he ever says this again?

[FuckedOff11]

Background is we own a business together. We are very busy at the moment and so it's a bit stressful.

As always kids have the worst timing and I was rang today to collect our child from nursery because he's unwell.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me" (as if that's up to him when it's my business too).

Now I'm not actually worried about the money. I don't need his permission to pay myself, he's not my employer but I am absolutely raging about the way he spoke to me and the fact he thinks, whether he could do it or not, he can threaten me with money. It is not the first time he's threatened not to "pay me" if I don't do what he thinks is reasonable. I'm also appalled he thinks I should be refusing to pick our child up. I told him if he wants to go ahead and ring nursery he can get himself reported to SS but I'll be going to collect our child.

Now I'm at home stewing.

I know I'm not unreasonable to be mad. But my head can't stop going to immediately leaving, stressed or not, he acted so unacceptably.

I also run a business with my husband and tbh it can be incredibly stressful and he also used to resort to angry outbursts and insults when things got on top of him. Even smashing crockery and kicking furniture etc
In the end I said I would leave him unless things changed. So he attended a local men’s charity for group therapy for anger management and they also arranged for a therapist to see him on an individual basis as well. It was an absolute game changer and altered his whole outlook on our marriage and how he treated me.
But it took a lot to get him there and to realise he had a problem (and not me!). While I’m glad we stuck together and came out the other side (7 years ago now) it was definitely not easy. But he absolutely would not have changed without external help.

If you say it you have to mean it.

I would say it, and do it.

H has flipped out (in front of other people who work with us) shouted at me that there's no way I'm being off tomorrow and if I don't ring nursery and refuse to pick DC up then he's not "paying me"

If I were you, I'd dump him now.

Financial abuse, blackmail, complete callousness and disregard for his own son. Why would you stick around with someone like that???

If you have a business to run you can't just drop everything. Husband and wife working together is often not a good idea.

If he treats his wife ( and Co owner of the business ) like that, does he do it to other employees? Does he not employ any other parents? If he did that in front of them, they must be thinking about how they would be treated in the same situation.

Wow we were partners in a business if this had happened, sometimes I collected sometimes OH. There were never arguments about it. Certainly no issues with wages because we just split the income on the books which the accountant worked out.

No but you do have to collect your child when sick so what else can you be expected to do?

What I'd have liked to have done was discuss it and come to an agreement with what works best I.e. me being off today, him tomorrow or vice versa or whatever else but he resorted to immediately speaking to me like a piece of shit who was leaving for fun.

No he doesn't speak to others this way. Which is good but also shows that he knows its not acceptable but does it to me anyway.

I agree with this tbh.

Plus you called him a "fucking dick".

There's no respect on either side.

What's the point?

Yanbu I couldn’t be with a man like this

He has zero respect for you.

Would he really want his own child left ill at nursery? I would leave him for that alone

I think many people would have called him a 'fucking dick' unless they're a Saint, I wouldn't say OP was being disrespectful.

It's because he doesn't think DC is properly ill and nursery are being OTT. Admittedly DC isn't ill ill and I get its annoying when DC is at home running about and seeming mostly okay but I can't be in work. But they obviously have policies they have to follow at nursery and there's nothing I can do about that. I can't refuse to collect my child because I don't agree he's ill enough.

And yes I called him a fucking dick because he was being one.

They think he's the best thing since sliced bread because I keep this side of him hush. Why should I. If he thinks it's an acceptable way to speak to me he shouldn't have any issue with people knowing.

Why do people do this, are you ashamed of your choice of partner so you can't be honest?

I’d leave him on the basis he’s a shit father for not even considering for a second his child could be unwell and wanting their parents. Poor kid.

Honestly OP, leave now. There’s absolutely no point making the empty threat of “next time I’ll leave”, he’s already done it and you said yourself it’s not the first time he’s threatened not to pay you. You’ve shown him that it doesn’t matter if he treats you like this, you always stay. You’ve lost your bargaining power on that front unfortunately.

With regards to telling a parent, tread carefully. Unless you are going to leave him, I don’t see any point or benefit at all in confiding in your parent about this and slagging him off to them to turn them against him. All that means is that in a few weeks time when you’re back to playing happy families, your parent will be looking at you wondering what on earth you’re doing, and it’s not a fair position to put them in when presumably if you stay together then in a couple of months you’ll all be sat round the dinner table on Christmas day- very awkwardly. If you’re going to leave him then of course tell your parent, tell anybody you need to for support, but if you’re going to stay, then I struggle to see the point. It feels a bit like he’s embarrassed you by speaking to you like that infront of people so now you want to embarrass him back by telling your parent on him, and if you’re going to stay together then I really don’t see any point in that?

Whatever you decide to do and however you want to play it, my advice is to see a solicitor and find out how best to extricate him from you personal and professional life. Having a plan doesn't mean you have to act it out but it alwsys helps to have your ducks in a row.

Wishing you the best

(Sometimes fantasising about the widow option can help you get a good night's sleep)

I don't think her calling him a name in retaliation to what he said means she has no respect. I think it shows him she's not going to put up with him disrespecting her.

I'd say that is Bobbitt worthy

You are married to nasty bullying scum.

I think you know that.

Hence you are lying to family.

He has zero regard for you or your poor child.

He's a shit father.

This is your life because you are tolerating his abuse.

Tell your family the truth and start making plans to extract yourself and your child from his abuse.

You both deserve better.

Bad enough you have had one child with such a vile man, don't have another.

Start with being honest with family and friends.

Your staff see him clearly.

Gather all paperwork together too.

If I was one of your employees who witnessed his behaviour I would start looking for new jobs. Because if he has such little respect for his wife and business partner then he will have even less for his employees.

You're covering for him with family.
You're essentially covering for him with nursery, he would refuse to collect his own child (nursery would then have to take action).

At work You're worried that the colleagues see these outbursts.

Stop covering for him, protect your child, get yourself sorted financially to protect from the fall out of getting him out of your life.
There's no future for you to live an authentic life with this failure of a man

@FuckedOff11

First off, if you have to conceal your spouse's behaviour from others, then you know they're treating you unacceptably to a high degree. Hiding major 'behaviour issues' is a red flag. It's a red flag for him that he's doing it, but it's also a red flag for you that you're concealing it. Not saying that you have to run and report every little 'tiff', those happen in the best of marriages.

Second, I'd be taking a very hard look at our business papers to be sure that I'm legally an equal partner with equal control and equal access to funds. That there is no area where my DH had more say or control than I do.

Thirdly, if I were you I'd be taking a long hard look at the 'total picture' of my marriage. I find it hard to believe that his nastiness and control issue happens only at work or around work issues. You need to look at how he treats you at home, how equal your division of 'domestic labour' is, and whether or not you 'modify' your actions or words to avoid setting off his temper.

Once you've done all that, consider what you want to do going forward.

My DH and I work together. Occasionally, he'll carry on home arguments to work. He will behave "perfectly" to the staff but be an a-hole to me.
I have been known to leave work early when his behaviour is too intolerable. However, this happens rarely and, when our DC were small, he might moan, but he'd cope when I had to be with them. It's now easier they fend for themselves.
It was, and is, rare he doesn't apologise. This has been key to me staying!