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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

341 replies

notputtingupwithit · 17/10/2023 11:18

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 18/10/2023 08:52

Ramalangadingdong · 17/10/2023 12:14

My BIL is the same. Says he doesn’t do Xmas but has no embarrassment in receiving gifts from others. His dc have never had a present from him. He has also never taken them away on holiday. His oldest is now 20. I don’t understand why women put up with this sort of man. I always get him a present as I would feel horrible about leaving him out.

But why would you do that? He doesn't even buy some children a present! He really doesn't deserve one.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/10/2023 08:54

You really need a firm talk with him. His behaviour is really really bad.

Original poster
notputtingupwithit · 18/10/2023 12:07

Stoic123 · 18/10/2023 07:42

Op - do any men in your family buy presents? You've mentioned you (presume you are a women - sorry if not), your mother, sisters, aunts (but not uncles), grandparents (do grandfathers do any buying?) and cousins (any of them male?).

Just wondering if, as PP have put, he really does just think it's something 'women do'. Doesn't need to be conscious - if all his male role models don't buy the presents, could be a deeply subconscious things.

Anyway - the only solutions (if you want to stop resenting) is a conversation with him and an opt in/opt out choice (both give and receive or neither).

Edited

I suppose there is more females in the family, my Dad is still around but has Alzheimer's and is very frail so even prefers not to participate in family gatherings now as it's overwhelming. I wouldn't expect my dad to go gift buying today because of health but he still manages to go online and choose and order something.
I only have sisters and he only has sisters.
He has lost his paternal grandfather and doesn't have Uncles.
I can't see that he would be silly enough to think only woman buy gifts though, he's seen me receive gifts from his dad and his dad buy gifts for his own mum and sister.

I think he's just out to benefit from Christmas gifts and birthday and doesn't give anyone else's a thought because it means nothing to him.

OP posts:
schoolstruggle · 18/10/2023 12:42

I’m an awful present buyer. I know I should buy presents but I really don’t know what to buy. I’ve gotten into the habit recently of buying for my friend’s birthday what my husband got me for my birthday. I send my brother sweets as we have always been sweet crazy. I’m recently diagnosed autistic and adhd age 39. Can you text him before each birthday. “Sister birthday coming up. She would like X” and send a link? It might help x

newYear10 · 18/10/2023 12:43

Possimpible · 17/10/2023 11:25

Speak to him..? If you, his parents, don't pull him up on his bad behaviour/poor etiquette who will?

This. Why don't you call him out on it?

LinaLouLa · 18/10/2023 13:34

I don't understand why this has even been asked! You are adults - say something to him!!!
They're all mentioning it to you and the resentment is building. Just flipping speak to him and call him out on it!

Ladyluck22 · 18/10/2023 13:34

I would have a word with him before Christmas and if he does not buy presents for the family for Christmas tell the family not to buy for him again and see if he gets the hint when it is his birthday or the following Christmas.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/10/2023 13:38

notputtingupwithit · 18/10/2023 12:07

I suppose there is more females in the family, my Dad is still around but has Alzheimer's and is very frail so even prefers not to participate in family gatherings now as it's overwhelming. I wouldn't expect my dad to go gift buying today because of health but he still manages to go online and choose and order something.
I only have sisters and he only has sisters.
He has lost his paternal grandfather and doesn't have Uncles.
I can't see that he would be silly enough to think only woman buy gifts though, he's seen me receive gifts from his dad and his dad buy gifts for his own mum and sister.

I think he's just out to benefit from Christmas gifts and birthday and doesn't give anyone else's a thought because it means nothing to him.

Show quote history

Then you need to educate him, @notputtingupwithit. Tell him bluntly that it is selfish and entitled of him to expect presents from everyone else, whilst not bothering to get them so much as a card or a token box of chocolates, and tell him that it is stopping immediately - no more presents for him from you, his siblings or anyone else in the family who is prepared to listen to you.

Muslimamanlondon · 18/10/2023 13:42

Ignore him on xmas ! Dont give him anything neither the sisters ! What a twat

GoonieGang · 18/10/2023 13:44

I wouldn’t stop giving. I may ask why he is such a tight arse so I know the reason he doesn’t give though.
Ask him straight out, then decide if you want to stop giving gifts to him.
My son has never bought gifts but I understand his reasons. I still acknowledge his birthday/Christmas with a gift but it is not as large as it was

JustAnotherManicMomday · 18/10/2023 13:47

Why would you not talk to him about it? Alternatively as a family set up a group chat and say are we all buying presents this year? If anyone would like to be excluded just let us all know. Then if he doesn't opt out but doesn't buy gifts I would point out going forward you will not be buying as a token gift to others would have been appreciated.

TiredMummma · 18/10/2023 14:02

Why wouldn't you address it with him directly?

HerMammy · 18/10/2023 15:35

@notputtingupwithit
Why , despite lots of similar comments have you not answered the question of why have you not spoke to your 27 yr old son?

ThePlantKiller · 18/10/2023 16:22

Come back and update us please OP after you call DS out on his shitty behaviour, I'd love to know what he has to say about it.

Mamma2017 · 18/10/2023 16:33

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/10/2023 11:26

Boys who are allowed to get away with this shitty behaviour turn into the shitty men/husbands we read about here in mumsnet who never bother with their gf/wives birthdays or christmas.

Yeh and it’s always “ah he’s a man leave it” or “what’re they like” or “boys will be boys” but dare a women or girl do the same and “what a cold bitch!” 🙄

MissMillyFluff · 18/10/2023 16:36

One of my daughters is the same. While I wouldn't stop getting her Christmas and birthday gifts, I find I'm caring less and spending less on them, than what I would previously.

Mamma2017 · 18/10/2023 16:41

MrsMara · 17/10/2023 15:02

27 and only had one girlfriend. Hardly any surprise as he sounds astonishingly selfish, lacking any grace or manners whatsoever. Would be deeply unattractive to most people.

You have raised and now enable a self-serving freeloader.

I usually dislike blaming women for men's issues, but in this case I fail to see any other reason for his staggering attitude than poor parenting. Excusing it with your distorted 'don't give to receive' attitude is ALSO part of the problem.

Next gift from me would be a kick up his leeching backside.

Wow. His selfish behaviour at 27 is not down to poor parenting -he has been an adult 9 years now-long enough now to understand the world and to know better and make better choices, treat people better. Absolutely unfair to blame his mum for this yes she could’ve called him out sooner but sorry he should’ve known not to behave like this! Your post smells of internalised misogyny -women getting the bloody blame for everything, even here the behaviour of a GROWN MAN.

NotaDryEye · 18/10/2023 16:41

OP - what has stopped you saying anything in all this time, calling him out on his selfish behaviour? Maybe he doesn't want presents and this is why he does not give any? Without talking to him, you'll never know!!!

Climbingthehillfast · 18/10/2023 16:44

So OP, are you going to call him out???

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/10/2023 16:57

I think stopping buying presents but without saying anything is understandable but quite a passive aggressive way of dealing with it to be honest. Why wouldn't you just say to him that you felt a bit embarrassed on his behalf that his aunt bought him a present and he didn't reciprocate. And that made you think about the fact that everyone buys presents for everyone else in the family for christmas and birthdays, other than him who is the only one that receives but doesn't give. Ask why he thinks this is, and what he thinks would be the best way of making things fair going forward? Tell him he is likley coming accross as rude. Suggeations include secret santa so everyone buys for one person with a set budget. No presents at all but maybe an activity like a meal out. He opts out of presents if he doesn't want to give, but everyone else carries on. Or you all give him suggestions of what you'd each like, so he has plenty of ideas of appropriate gifts.

kingkongs · 18/10/2023 17:00

Blimey, I'd definitely push him off the Christmas list and tell everyone else to do so as well! Even if he can't be arsed to go shopping, tesco sell numerous gift cards. He has no excuse other than selfishness.

Whalewatchers · 18/10/2023 17:01

I don't give gifts to be honest, or birthday cards. Waste of time and money. If someone wants to give them to me, then that's up to them. I do send Christmas cards, but not gifts. Again, waste of time and money.

I only buy for my wife and young children.

Whalewatchers · 18/10/2023 17:04

... And I do send my mum a birthday card. Don't both with Dad as like me he doesn't see the value in it, far better to give him a call on the day to wish him a happy birthday and have a chat.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/10/2023 17:08

Bloody hell, why is everybody pussyfooting around this selfish, rude man. If my son did this I'd pull him up immediately and ask him why he was not gift buying for others but expecting gifts nonetheless. It's utterly outrageous.

He'd not be getting a single thing from me or my family if he were mine. Lesson learned. He's old enough to know better.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 18/10/2023 17:10

Sweet F A. He's never even bought you, his mum, a card or present? He's a disgrace.