Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

The OP hasn't mentioned anything to her DS about this present situation before so going from saying nothing to "you're a selfish brat, fucking sort it out" seems a bit unlikely.

True, @Workawayxx , but again, he's 27. He must have noticed that he's the only one not buying gifts, yet he's still receiving them.

What a brass neck!

I wonder if he's coddled and enabled in other ways too. My dc wouldn't put up with this from a sibling for a second.

Quite surprised at many of the comments. Why is gift-giving such a norm? I understand to an extent when it comes to children but for adults, who have jobs and can buy things themselves? We've done birthday cards and phonecall/wishes for years with adults. As well organising to meet up etc. Not everyone enjoys giving or receiving gifts. It's also not always the best idea financially.

Agree with this.

He's 27?!

I'm shocked you haven’t dealt with this already

If he wants gifts, he should also give them

And if he doesn't, that's fine too

It's the hypocrisy / meanness of taking but not giving

Agree with others you need to talk to him about it rather than letting it fester and allowing resentment to build up. Can’t you just say ‘will you be getting your family gifts this year?’ And see how he responds?

Oh come on. Why haven't you said anything?! He's your son. You're the parent. This is utterly bizarre.

Just ask him why isn't he buying anyone a gift?!

"Your grandma spent a lot of money on that gift for you (that you chose), are you getting her a gift back?"

Sit down and talk to him about what he wants for his birthday. Then talk to him about what is deemed appropriate for presents from him.

On his birthday hold off giving the present until later in the day.

This should have been addressed 15 years ago when you left them with responsibility to buy their own gifts. But as his mother you should be able to have a frank discussion with him about his behaviour and how it comes across and impacts others.

Taking presents and refusing to reciprocate is the height of rudeness as well as being selfish,inconsiderate and mean spirited. Once can be forgiven as a mistake but this is repeated behaviour.
Tell him that it's rude and that his actions in expecting and not giving back are greedy and apart from anything else very embarrassing for you, so you will be advising other family members that he is not participating in exchanging gifts. You have to let them off the hook
He's a selfish freeloader ,you must be mortified at his behaviour when he's unwrapping gifts and others are left waiting and probably confused by his actions, how ungrateful.

This is mad. Why on earth haven't you asked him OP? Are you scared of upsetting him? He sounds incredibly mean.

Brass neck agree. Surprised he wasnt asked about this ages ago. Our sister law gives kids nothing. Told my husband not getting into birthdays going forward. Its really mean I think

Not everyone enjoys giving or receiving gifts.

Son is enjoying the receiving part just fine..

Apart from your son not caring enough to give presents , it's really odd that you and your daughters have never said anything to him about it .

27!!! My family would have ripped the piss out of him the first year. Why has no one said anything? I wouldn’t stop buying my son gifts but words would have been had before now. If you don’t know how to approach it, show him this thread that should get the message across.

Maybe he is actually Jesus Christ so you give him presents but none are expected in return?

He seems to like receiving though if he can point out the £100 coat he wants without compunction.

Why don't you suggest a secret santa, so everyone only buys one pressie for £50. Tell him it's really important he buys his, otherwise they'll have nothing to open!!! Perhaps this will be easier for him.

Perhaps this will be easier for him.
He's a 27 year old adult who seems to be managing just fine. Does not need to be handled like a delicate flower. And secret santa does not work for birthdays, weddings etc.

I dunno.

Yet every year you will get sad threads where people are half bankrupting themselves to buy everyone a bath bomb gift set.

What is weird here is the total lack of communication. Noone has said 'where's my gift' or 'do you want to stop doing gifts' for a decade apparently. For people I know it's not the norm for everyone to still be buying each other stuff at those ages, but in this family it is so I guess they need to speak up if they want a present

I think as he mother you really need to speak to him.

He's either breathtakingly self absorbed or simply doesn't 'get' that adults usually reciprocate gift giving (or at the very least acknowledging other people's birthdays).

He needs to make a choice - get involved like everyone else does or opt out (and NOT expect or even want other people to buy for you/acknowledge your birthday).

Agree this was the ideal opportunity to say something. I don't understand why you have let him get away with this for sure long.
When he's telling you what he would like tell him '
I'd like x, I'll ask your sisters what they'd like from you, it's about time you bought them something they've been very generous to you'

I wonder has the OP thought at all about the parenting message she has sent her daughters?

Men can be mean and selfish and we just continue to give and give without comment or complaint.

A massive parenting fail IMO.

I feel like this post has been written specifically to wind me up 😂
You need to get him told and please please do not allow your elderly mother to spend her money on the selfish man.

Op - do any men in your family buy presents? You've mentioned you (presume you are a women - sorry if not), your mother, sisters, aunts (but not uncles), grandparents (do grandfathers do any buying?) and cousins (any of them male?).

Just wondering if, as PP have put, he really does just think it's something 'women do'. Doesn't need to be conscious - if all his male role models don't buy the presents, could be a deeply subconscious things.

Anyway - the only solutions (if you want to stop resenting) is a conversation with him and an opt in/opt out choice (both give and receive or neither).