Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

[notputtingupwithit]

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't.
Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return.
Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday.

His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later.

AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me.
Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

You really should have the good manners to tell your relatives not to bother buying for you. It's beyond rude.

I don’t know how to write this without it sounding unkind - I am always shocked by how disfunctional some families are that can’t even communicate with each other.

A simple “where are your presents?” Or “what did you get your sister” would have been sufficient 8 years ago.

Now people are resentful - yet keep buying for him!

Come on OP! Ask your son why he thinks it’s ok to accept gifts and not buy for others?

I would be desperately disappointed if my child behaved in this way - the difference? I would address it with them.

Also at Christmas people DO generally buy because they know they will receive something. The EXCHANGE of gifts has become a tradition - a tradition within your family OP. Your son has been raised in these traditions, presumably has been present and witnessed Christmas gift exchanges every year for 27 years - he knows he should buy gifts but he chooses not to. It says a lot about his character.

Ask him? Although also annoying is I am v thoughtful with gifts for others in family..siblings and neices/nephews and they give me and daughter a tenner in a card for birthdays/Xmas.. no thought.. People can be v blinkered/tight maybe..

I am another simply astounded that this has been going on for years and years and no-one has ever said anything!!!

Weird as hell

I’m in a similar position with DH’s brother and sister in law. We always buy birthday and Christmas gifts for them and their now adult kids, they stopped buying for me a couple of years ago. Frankly I’m tempted to just stop buying for them all and be done with it.

Send him a list of what everyone wants. See what he says.

Some people won’t change after being told. I’ve experienced this and have given up, some people just can’t be generous.

Why can’t you address this with him?

he is your son. You raised him, taught right and wrong. Instilled your values

why can’t you have an open and honest conversation? What are you afraid of?

I'm finding this really interesting. When they were little, we used to take DD and DS out to buy gifts, and they were quite enthusiastic about it. DD now 18 is still a generous present giver from her own money (well until recently, it was from her pocket money / allowance from us), in fact I've frequently told her to spend less on us. DS16 can just about be persuaded to buy a card on line if we nag him enough (he has anxiety so avoids shops), but hasn't given presents for years. We've called him out on it several times (particularly re not buying anything for DD, given she has less money than us so buying presents has more effect on her than on us), but he's just not bothered. So I don't see that it's bad parenting for them to be like this, as we treated both the same and they're actions are now different. And it's not as if calling them out on it leads to a better outcome.

I really don't think it's right for us to stop buying him presents (and neither does DD, though I'd completely understand if she did), as it does send the message that we give to receive or that we love him less than his sister. Also, he withdraws from family life as much as possible anyway and this would just be one more thing that would lead to him withdrawing even more - he has no social life as it is, due to his anxiety, so it's not as if he's being a typical teenager spending more time with peers than parents.

However, I'm now wondering whether,once he's left school, I should use the "as you're clearly not bothered about presents, shall we just stop?" line. But due to the above reasons am feeling quite conflicted.

If you're not going to stop buying him presents now then I definitely would when he's an adult.

I don't think it sends a message that they are loved less or that you give to receive, I think it sends the more general message that you should not expect acts of kindness you will not do for other people.

I really don’t understand why no one has discussed this with him.

He sounds lazy and entitled.

YANBU. A relative of mine always forgets birthday presents and this year I have decided I won't buy her anything for her birthday as why should the relationship be one sided. You get to the point that you feel if they don't make the effort than why should you!

Last Christmas my DD had a boyfriend who didn’t send her a card and produced a nice gift but several days after Christmas. Same happened on Valentine’s Day. He didn’t last much beyond Valentine’s Day.

I’m sorry OP, but I blame his mother. He is the youngest of 3 boys, no girls in the house. I absolutely would not let my son treat his girlfriend in this way.

@aSofaNearYou

But I don’t agree with the message that you don’t do acts of kindness for people who don’t do them for you. Surely we do that because it’s the kind thing to do - you wouldn’t run after someone who’d dropped their purse because they’ve been kind to you, you do it because it’s kind

You need to parent him. Tell him.

Ask him directly "son are you buying presents with the rest of us this year? Or would you rather we dont exchange presents?" Let him choose. Might open up conversation if he genuinely is unaware (which is very unlikely)

Speak to him about it. Ask him if he would like to opt in to buying and receiving presents or to opt out and do no buying or receiving. Then if he opts out, tell everyone and problem solved.

Your son is presumably intelligent as he has a well paid job. I think he is just being entitled. You are probably the person to speak to him along the lines of either/or!

PS in our family, we have three adult children, one of whom is learning disabled. I was horrified and upset that one of her siblings bought her a bar of chocolate for her birthday this year and put a broken plastic toy from one of her own children into the very second hand paper bag with a very boring generic birthday card for her.

I always ensure that our disabled daughter gives lovely presents to her siblings and their children (I buy and pay for them!). Not sure that I’ll be so generous in future!

I am sorry why are you tiptoeing around this - you don’t have to mention your presents but you can say about his sisters and that they spend money on him for his birthday/ christmas and he needs to reciprocate. Or you just buy him chocolates and say you didn’t think he was into presents as he doesn’t buy his family anything!!

This is lazy entitlement which needs calling out.

My sibling didn't buy me a gift for a few years, and I bought for them. So I stopped. They've never commented.

Tbh both of us dislike clutter and being given things that we either don't need or aren't exactly what we want. So I think it's a relief for us both!

My Mum is VERY much a gift giver. I forgot her birthday once and she made me feel soooooo bad about it. Said she wouldn't buy me anything for mine and I said I wouldn't mind... I really wouldn't, I don't care about my birthday. But we've gone back to buying.

I think it's reasonable to not buy gifts for adults who don't reciprocate.

I don’t understand parents who can’t say to their child ‘ Hey, you tight little sod, what’s going on! In future, you join in or you get nothing.’ Why is it so hard?

Why can't any of you speak to him, you sound a very strange family, is everyone afraid of him.

I would of had a challenging conversation with him aged 18 at least. The next best time is NOW. If you don't approach this properly how will he know it's wrong? Everyone is moaning to each other yet no one has mentioned it to him? My mind boggles!

You’re the parents. Sit him down and tell him how rude it is to receive gifts and not give them. When I say I don’t give to receive, I mean there’s not an expectation to match. So if I gift you a perfume that I know you like, I don’t expect a perfume in return. It’s the thought that counts and for there to be no thought, it can be hurtful. There’s no excuse for forgetting birthdays and Christmas, it’s just rude.