Page 12 | Not to buy presents for someone who doesn't buy back?

notputtingupwithit · 2023-10-17T10:18:08+00:00

Now I know you shouldn't buy to receive but we've never received a birthday or Christmas card or present from our adult son ever, our daughters all do but my son doesn't. Every Christmas he comes around and opens presents from aunts, cousins, grandparents and us and his sisters while giving no presents in return. Also every family birthday goes by with out any acknowledgment whatsoever but he'll happily sit and open presents on his birthday. His sister brought him a very special birthday present this year and as expected got nothing for her birthday just 2 weeks later. AIBU to just let his next birthday slide and see how he feels? I don't buy to receive but do feel he is taking the piss out of grandparents and wider family which irritates me. Also want to add he's a very high earner so it has nothing to do with money.

Pinkfluff76 · 18/10/2023 23:19

Why has everyone allowed him to get away with his selfish behaviour for so long??

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 00:42

Have a Google of love languages. Maybe gifts aren't his love language - he'd much rather receive love through quality time spent together, or thoughtful actions. If he's a decent earner then he probably doesn't put much value on a random gift he would have already bought himself off Amazon if he really wanted or needed it. He can't exactly give gifts back- why should he be forced into gift giving if it's not how he shows his love, or how he'd want to receive love from others?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 19/10/2023 01:59

Maybe it does not work for other occasions, but I think I would organize a Secret Santa, and he can join in or not.

BMW6 · 19/10/2023 04:26

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 00:42

Have a Google of love languages. Maybe gifts aren't his love language - he'd much rather receive love through quality time spent together, or thoughtful actions. If he's a decent earner then he probably doesn't put much value on a random gift he would have already bought himself off Amazon if he really wanted or needed it. He can't exactly give gifts back- why should he be forced into gift giving if it's not how he shows his love, or how he'd want to receive love from others?

Maybe he'd rather show his love in Creative Dance? Semaphore?🙄

Dontworkmondays · 19/10/2023 05:45

I’m this person in our family. Rarely buy cards and gifts but will inevitably get them every year from others. He won’t be bothered at all by not receiving anything, I know I wouldn’t be.
Same as op money no issue, I just find buying them and even receiving them a hassle. (Stuff I didn’t chose clogging up my drawers)

Orangello · 19/10/2023 05:48

He won’t be bothered at all by not receiving anything, I know I wouldn’t be.

He is blatantly outright asking for presents, so I am not sure this applies in his case.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 06:48

Sounds like he’s still in child mode, where he just turns up to these events, helps himself to his presents and has no part in the giving to others.

Awful.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 06:50

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 00:42

Have a Google of love languages. Maybe gifts aren't his love language - he'd much rather receive love through quality time spent together, or thoughtful actions. If he's a decent earner then he probably doesn't put much value on a random gift he would have already bought himself off Amazon if he really wanted or needed it. He can't exactly give gifts back- why should he be forced into gift giving if it's not how he shows his love, or how he'd want to receive love from others?

Do you really believe this load of indulgent bollocks? No. It’s not ok to take, take, take and give nothing back.

There’s two total load of bollocks things I’ve only ever come across on Mumsnet:

Limerance.
Love languages.

NalafromtheLionKing · 19/10/2023 06:59

I think some young men just take longer to grow up and realise these things (IME some even only grow up and develop empathy when they are married with DC).

Rather than disappointing him about Christmas, I would speak to him now and tell him who he needs to buy presents for and roughly how much he should be spending (perhaps even a steer as to the sorts of things he should be buying).

Whyamiherenow · 19/10/2023 07:09

My brother isn’t a remembering birthday / Christmas guy either - I do still buy for him. However, he is really generous in other ways and so I think the constraints of holidays don’t work for him. For example, he bought an off-road pram for my son when he was a few months old / he took my aunt to the theatre with nice tickets / pays for meals out. He’s a random person than a mean person. We just accept that. Maybe your son is the same?

PloddingAlong21 · 19/10/2023 07:12

You’re his mother. If you can’t ask him about his selfish behaviour then no wonder he behaves this way. Have you always let his behaviour slide?

Ask him outright why he doesn’t even acknowledge birthdays when everyone does and see what he says.

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2023 08:12

AliMonkey · 18/10/2023 19:15

@aSofaNearYou

But I don’t agree with the message that you don’t do acts of kindness for people who don’t do them for you. Surely we do that because it’s the kind thing to do - you wouldn’t run after someone who’d dropped their purse because they’ve been kind to you, you do it because it’s kind

I don't mean that you don't do acts of kindness for people who don't do them for you, I mean that you shouldn't do them for people who wouldn't do them for you, and for no other reason but selfishness (ie nothing financial or about lack of time). Or more aptly, you should not expect people to do things for them that you would not do for them.

So the more accurate analogy would be should you run down the street to hand someone their wallet who had just seen you drop yours and decided not to bother helping.

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 08:15

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 06:50

Do you really believe this load of indulgent bollocks? No. It’s not ok to take, take, take and give nothing back.

There’s two total load of bollocks things I’ve only ever come across on Mumsnet:

Limerance.
Love languages.

Show quote history

You can read about it rather than mocking it. It's something that's taught in relationship counselling and is really helpful. My husband and father don't really do presents but they'll drive 12 hours to help you move house or fix/wash/hoover your car for you when you have no time, provide emotional support, do lots of housework, arrange lovely holidays etc to show their love. So at Christmas they might not turn up with a bunch of gifts but they put so much into other things that make me feel loved the rest of the year and I'm more than happy to treat them in return. It would be petty to discount everything they do for me because they don't buy me flowers or perfume. What they do for me seems like so much more.

SaySomethingMan · 19/10/2023 08:22

So all the time he was growing up, not buying presents for his sisters or you, you never pulled him up on it?! This is partly your doing, surely?

Fairyliz · 19/10/2023 09:00

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 00:42

Have a Google of love languages. Maybe gifts aren't his love language - he'd much rather receive love through quality time spent together, or thoughtful actions. If he's a decent earner then he probably doesn't put much value on a random gift he would have already bought himself off Amazon if he really wanted or needed it. He can't exactly give gifts back- why should he be forced into gift giving if it's not how he shows his love, or how he'd want to receive love from others?

I assume you missed the post where he points out things like £100 jackets that other people can buy him?

Heb1996 · 19/10/2023 09:02

@Pugdays this is really mean and awful of your DS. Unless there’s a really good reason for it besides meanness, such as saving hard for a house, then there’s no excuse for it! And he should also be contributing much more than £50 towards living costs too. I would be having a serious chat with him about family and supporting each other.

Blogswife · 19/10/2023 10:25

You need to address the issue otherwise he will continue to think everyone is ok with it .
I would have a word with him and explain that you know he’s not into Christmas shopping so would he like you to choose gifts from him for his sisters etc (& make sure he pays of course) as it’s not really fair to receive and not give . If he says no then tell him thats perfectly ok but he needs to realise that he won’t be receiving any from them in future .
I always tell my adult DC not to buy for me even tho I buy for them as I don’t need anything and they have many demands in their incomes ( they still do but it’s not expected ) . If you don’t want to do this then massively reduce what you spend on him so that it’s just a token gift from you .

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/10/2023 10:29

IvyIvyIvy · 19/10/2023 00:42

Have a Google of love languages. Maybe gifts aren't his love language - he'd much rather receive love through quality time spent together, or thoughtful actions. If he's a decent earner then he probably doesn't put much value on a random gift he would have already bought himself off Amazon if he really wanted or needed it. He can't exactly give gifts back- why should he be forced into gift giving if it's not how he shows his love, or how he'd want to receive love from others?

Oh for goodness sake. Being a grabby, rude arsehole is his language. Nothing to do with love. What a load of waffle.

LinaM20 · 19/10/2023 12:04

Why have you not said anything sooner? My 18 year old son has just left for uni and he’s already had two texts from me along the lines of “Grandmas birthday on Friday make sure you send a card”
“Dad’s birthday coming up, have you thought about what you’re getting? let me know if you want ideas”
He’s generally thoughtful anyway and we’ve always encouraged him to buy the other parent a present from a young age even if it was just chocolate from Tesco after school.

BloodyHellKen · 19/10/2023 12:50

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe your son just isn't into gifts/stuff that much. I'm not crazy about receiving things I didn't ask for - it's just extra stuff to deal with. I am that person who would rather not receive the present. My brother and I never by gifts for each other or each others families and never have. My sister and I do, but only because she instigates it. I'd rather she didn't tbh. Grand parents all no longer around but aunts, cousins etc no way would I buy them gifts or expect anything in return.

From your original post OP it sounds like your family is quite full on with present giving if aunts, cousins, grandparents etc are all in the mix. That's a lot of people who from my own experience usually stop present giving once the child reaches adulthood.

If you speak with him you might find he doesn't want to receive any presents.

However, saying all that I think it's a bit poor not to buy something for your parents.

Fairyliz · 19/10/2023 12:54

@BloodyHellKen
If you read all of the ops posts he is very quick to suggest presents people can buy him including £100 jackets!

Dontworkmondays · 19/10/2023 12:54

BloodyHellKen · 19/10/2023 12:50

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe your son just isn't into gifts/stuff that much. I'm not crazy about receiving things I didn't ask for - it's just extra stuff to deal with. I am that person who would rather not receive the present. My brother and I never by gifts for each other or each others families and never have. My sister and I do, but only because she instigates it. I'd rather she didn't tbh. Grand parents all no longer around but aunts, cousins etc no way would I buy them gifts or expect anything in return.

From your original post OP it sounds like your family is quite full on with present giving if aunts, cousins, grandparents etc are all in the mix. That's a lot of people who from my own experience usually stop present giving once the child reaches adulthood.

If you speak with him you might find he doesn't want to receive any presents.

However, saying all that I think it's a bit poor not to buy something for your parents.

Exactly this. ^
I would feel exactly the same with all the unnecessary presents.

Ramalangadingdong · 19/10/2023 12:58

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/10/2023 08:52

But why would you do that? He doesn't even buy some children a present! He really doesn't deserve one.

Show quote history

I don’t want to allow his behaviour to affect mine. I believe in giving presents. Apart from the presents thing he is a good person.

Greenpolkadot · 19/10/2023 13:00

Id stop all the present lark with him and tell your daughters to do the same,,
Obviously he will receive gifts from Aunts etc,,,but when he's opened those he will be wondering where the rest of his gifts are,
Or if you really cant bare to leave him out,,,buy him a Toblerone or something else small.
And be ready with your answer when he asks

Shinyandnew1 · 19/10/2023 13:00

He certainly expects presents as he'll suggest things he'd like or come to the shops with me or his Gran to choose and try on a jacket or something so quite happy for my mum to fork £100 pounds and get a kiss on the cheek in return.

You should have said something then.