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AIBU?

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To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

354 replies

nle · 17/10/2023 10:45

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 17/10/2023 11:22

Genuinely shocked you're back with him. I just don't understand why the fuck you'd do that.

Of course you can't get past it. He sounds ville. That's why you should want better for yourself.

EvilElsa · 17/10/2023 11:23

What the actual fuck are you doing?!!! Why you would ever even contemplate being involved with this arsehole and his twatty family again I don't know.

Quitelikeit · 17/10/2023 11:23

I read your post and feel despair. Are you weak? What do you want from here? He made you feel that life was hopeless and pushed you to the brink yet here you are again on the hamsters wheel having another shot of him

You will stay on that wheel until you decide to remove yourself. Sensibly you have done so (in the past) but why keep deciding to get back on?

Quitelikeit · 17/10/2023 11:23

oh and another tip marry a man you want your son to become

SafferUpNorth · 17/10/2023 11:24

YANBU for deeply resenting your partner, and for feeling traumatised. What he did was awful, disgusting. Toying with you like that. He doesn't love or respect you.

YABU for getting back together with him. Honestly, have some self-respect and walk away.

BodegaSushi · 17/10/2023 11:25

DO NOT have a child with this man please, already bad that there's another child involved

readbooksdrinktea · 17/10/2023 11:26

He goes on about how much he loves me, loves spending time with me, wants a future, the connection is so special etc.

This is when you should remember that he said he didn't want to be tied to you forever.

MsRosley · 17/10/2023 11:26

OP, frankly as well as his abuse, you're abusing yourself. You experienced his true self, and it seems you're happy for more.

SomeCatFromJapan · 17/10/2023 11:27

He behaved appallingly, he is not a good person and you should never have gone back to him.

VineRipened · 17/10/2023 11:27

OP, I agree you are traumatised. The shock of his behaviour on discovering your pregnancy, his and his family’s frankly cruel and abusive behaviour, the miscarriage.

And it sounds as if you have sought solace with him because in hostile waters he is the only flotsam and jetsam to cling to. You are looking to him to make it all better.

But he is not safe. He is not a lifeboat, he is flotsam and jetsam and will sink or float off without you as soon as the next rough weather approaches.

I strongly advise you to seek counselling, for you, to give you space and time to regain your own strength and stability after the pregnancy, trauma and miscarriage.

Or do the Freedom Programme.

You need to be able to care for and rescue yourself. He cannot, and more importantly will not.

Fushair3 · 17/10/2023 11:28

Why the hell did you get back with him??

Seriously. Put your kid first and walk away. Block all contact and kick him out of your life.

This is a man who made you attempt suicide he treated you so poorly. You have a child to think about.

I really hope this is made up.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/10/2023 11:29

Of course you're traumatised and of course you can't get over it. Trauma doesn't just go away, and you're triggering yourself daily by trying to pretend you're happy with him.

Time to be an adult and walk away from him. It will hurt for a while but this is never going to be the relationship for you.

Thebigblueballoon · 17/10/2023 11:30

Sorry if this seems harsh, but you are an utter fool for getting back with this man! The way you’ve written about your child makes it clear he doesn’t give a shit about them, and it comes across as if you’re putting this fucking arsehole first. Why?! What the actual fuck are you doing?
Please invest in some serious therapy and grow a spine. And leave the tool!

AgnesX · 17/10/2023 11:30

What in god's name are you doing with this piece of human waste. How can you be with someone who behaved like that and whose family are no better.

You need to get yourself away from him fast and find some respect for yourself.

zoom1982 · 17/10/2023 11:30

After all that you're back with him? Jesus wept.

Cumbrianlife · 17/10/2023 11:31

Why do you keep posting? You know you need to get away from this man and work on your boundaries. Are you expecting a different answer? Time to grow up and FGS don't get pregnant!

ALargeChardonnayPlease · 17/10/2023 11:32

You lost me at "we're back together"

You attempted suicide, decided life wasn't worth living despite being a mother, over this man who treated you like shit.

"If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one."

He isn't the one and you will always resent him for the way he and his family treated you. When people show you who they are the first time, believe them...

Get rid!!

Quitelikeit · 17/10/2023 11:33

Also with respect he doesn’t think you are the one or he would have demonstrated this in a variety of ways

The longer you stay the more you keep the door closed to finding a real man!

littlemousebigcheese · 17/10/2023 11:33

Ffs, why get back together? He sounds awful

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2023 11:33

So you broke up once
Got back together
Got pregnant by accident
Him and his family wanted the baby and to demonstrate this all hell broke loose and they said they wanted you to abort (huh???)
You broke up
You miscarried
He publicly shamed you
He forbade you from seeing friends
You attempted to take your own life

And now you're back with him because you are doing everything he wants and he's in a good mood. For now. But you can't tell anyone.
And why can't you tell anyone?
Because your friends/family would probably want to stage an intervention to get you away from this bastard?
Because he's shagging someone else?

You fear you could not get anyone better than him?
NO-ONE would be better than him.
Literally
NO-ONE - as in you being on your own, OP - would be better than being with him.

Oh sweetheart life does not have to be like this. The fierce highs and deep lows are NOT as sign of a great relationship, they are the signs of a bad, dysfunctional one. Why are you addicted to the highs and lows?

maddening · 17/10/2023 11:33

If you get him out of your life forever i reckon in 3 or 4 years time you will look back with relief that he is gone and wonder what the fuck you were doing with him.

He has all the hallmarks of an abuser his family sound the same and they will ruin your life forever if you stay.

Littlewhitecat · 17/10/2023 11:35

Why on earth did you get back with this shit?

If someone else wrote this - what would you say?

It's a car crash, you have a child you need to be looking after, get rid of this man.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 17/10/2023 11:35

We are now back together.

After the way he treated you? I'm sorry OP, you really do need to raise your bar higher.

LadyWiddiothethird · 17/10/2023 11:37

Being on your own would be so much better than staying with this man,he sounds vile.Get away from him and stay away.He has shown you who he is and he WILL do something again.

Please understand you are worth more than this.

Desecratedcoconut · 17/10/2023 11:37

It's scary as fuck having a mother who doesn't have an ounce of self preservation. You are doing a huge disservice to your child.

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