To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

[nle]

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

GTFO before you do have a baby with him. He's a tool.

Is your child’s father involved in his life? Presumably so if you only see this cretin ie love of your life, on child free days

Too much has gone wrong. He doesn't sound very nice or very good for you.

You should end it and not see him again. I know that's easier said than done, but that's what you should do.

This situation is toxic. You're not happy. He is not a good partner.

Please get some counselling for yourself. Get out and look forward to a happier future with your DS.

If you can't walk away for yourself, walk away for the sake of your child. You are not a teenager, this isn't any Love Story - it's as fucked up as it gets. And believe me, you are involving your child. Because of this man living like a toxic brain worm in your head. Seriously, find the freedom programme online and do it.

Also- I would say that the way he behaves is learned behaviour that is all very normal to him.

It seems to me that the behaviour of his family mirrors this so probably provides some explaining to the root of it. But it really is never going to change. That is deeply ingrained in who he is.

He is not a partner so I'd start by dropping the DP term. There's nothing partner-like about any of the behaviour you've described. He is not looking forward to a future with you- you know this based on everything you've said in the opening post.
You have a child, why on Earth are you valuing yourself so poorly to think this is all you are worth? What message are you sending your child as well? Doesn't matter if they have nothing to do with each other in person, kids are not stupid. They notice so much more than we give them credit for and your child will learn relationships and value from your examples.
Give yourself a shake, get away from this nonsense and realise that couples who last do not have off-again/on-again relationships. If you became pregnant again then what? He's shown you his cards in this. Stop wasting your own time and realise you do not need a guy to validate you and certainly not a guy who thinks any of this is acceptable behaviour.

In my honest opinion, I think you need to work on raising your child and not expend any energy on this man. Cultivate relationships with people who treat you with respect and who you can treat with respect. And put your child first.

I stopped reading at " we are now back together"...
If you want to settle for this that is your decision.

Women!!

I just give up sometimes!!

He's bad news.
He's high maintenance and a bully.

Your self esteem is very low. He'll only serve to make it worse.
His love-bombing words are to serve his own need of making you give him attention back.

Have you gone to counselling before?
If not, please go it'd really help you get back your self-worth.

You are a good person doing your best.
You are a great mother.

But don't bring this problem into your life.

You put your own needs aside to pander to the man.

It's not because you are stupid or worthless or anything like that - it's a learned pattern of responding to men, probably learned at home from what you saw in your own house.

Woman unfortunately are socialised to mother men, put them on a pedestal and be the listener for and soother of men's feelings, while they put their own feelings aside. There's plenty of us out there.

That's why you feel like a 'nothing' unless you have a man, because you have buried yourself in order to dance attention on the man.
Because part of you thinks any man is better than no man.

You can unlearn these patterns and find the untapped resource of self-respect and strength that is in there.

You need to dump this arsehole and spend your free time with a therapist who can help you work out why you’ve set your bar so low.

This bastard drove you to attempt suicide and now he’s back in your bed. You must learn to value yourself so much more than this. Your post made me want to cry, the things he and his family did and said to you are unforgivable. I hope you break away from him and carve out a much better life for yourself.

He has shown you loud and clear what sort of man he is. It’s not partner material. Step away from the drama and work on your self esteem. Being single is far preferable to being with a shitty ‘partner’.

I wish I’d a d stopes reading then

then I wouldn’t know that a child is involved

He goes on about how much he loves me, loves spending time with me, wants a future, the connection is so special etc.

He literally never argue about me or anything I've done. He's happy as Larry in the relationship.

So he's being great - for now. And what will he be like if you become pregnant again?

Whatever your fears, being alone isn't nearly as bad as being treated like that.

He did all that to you and you took him back?

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who could treat you like that?

You have the power here. You need to leave him. Why are you doing this to yourself??

He sounds utterly heinous and I’m at a loss at how you’ve managed to convince yourself otherwise.

You must have horrendously low self esteem to think this is the kind of partner you deserve.

If a sister or friend was with a man who treated them like this how would you advise them? I bet it wouldn't be to stay together!

You're totally missing the point by saying things are good 'day to day'. With a partner it's how they react when the chips are down that counts. He's shown you already that when things get hard, he will always let you down in the cruellest possible way. What else is there to say? Get out now.

OP No one can give you advice on how to get over this because no one in their right mind would encourage someone to stay in such an appalling, damaging and horrible relationship.

anyone that hurts you so bad that you try to end your life should be OUT of your life. Unfortunately awful people like this look for people that they can manipulate and judging by his family, I can see where he picked up these behaviours.

Please please please leave. Block, delete, get a restraining order if you have to. But please leave

He will ruin you. He is showing you the signs and you are ignoring them sorry to say.

"If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one."

These big fuck ups are part of who he is, they tell you something about his character. You can't exclude them like an optional extra, it's all him; the bits you like and the bits you don't like.

This is the key isn't it. You don't believe that you deserve better than him. But you do.

I think you know all the reasons why you shouldn't be with him but until you build your self-esteem it's going to be difficult for you to break free.