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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

354 replies

nle · 17/10/2023 10:45

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

OP posts:
nle · 17/10/2023 10:54

This reply has been deleted

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I am ashamed of it.

I have a long history of depression/postnatal depression.

A year prior I was the victim of a violent crime.

It all got on top of me.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 17/10/2023 10:55

Why don't you want better for yourself? Both DP and his family have been horrendous to you. There's a reason you can't get by it, it's unforgiveable. Get rid. LTB. You deserve better as does your DC.

Are you the kind of person who can't be alone/single?

Outnumbered99 · 17/10/2023 10:55

OP, you can do a lot better than this honestly. No one who is capable of putting you through what he did deserves your time, however "wonderful he is day to day".
You and your child are worth more than this.

MWNA · 17/10/2023 10:56

CoalCraft · 17/10/2023 10:48

This man and his family are horrible. You deserve better. Please break up with him for good and never see him again.

Best advice but OP won't. I bet you a bazillion pounds.

Sawaranga · 17/10/2023 10:56

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nle · 17/10/2023 10:56

crumblingschools · 17/10/2023 10:54

Please raise your bar.

What would happen if you got pregnant again, surely he would end up spending time with your other child

He knew DS as a baby but he has forgotten him now.

The only reason I keep them separate is because I'm obviously very unsure whether this will be a long-term thing so don't want to involve DS.

OP posts:
Somanycats · 17/10/2023 10:57

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MidnightOnceMore · 17/10/2023 10:57

@nle This is such an unhealthy and toxic relationship.

Please seek support from elsewhere, this man is not a good person to have in your life.

Your child needs you to be safe and stable.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 10:57

nle · 17/10/2023 10:54

I am ashamed of it.

I have a long history of depression/postnatal depression.

A year prior I was the victim of a violent crime.

It all got on top of me.

Fair enough

but to continue this nonsense with him despite almost leaving your child without a mother as a result of this man’s behaviour - is utterly failing your child

So stop it

TheCatterall · 17/10/2023 10:58

He’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. And you we r back to him?

he’s emotionally unhealthy for you.

He’s not sorry about his actions and thinks he’s justified. He’d probably do exactly the same or worse again.

leave him. Block him. Get help for your esteem etc. move on.

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

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Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

OP posts:
Ghostgirl77 · 17/10/2023 10:59

He is being loving now because you are giving him what he wants.

You have seen how he behaves to you when he doesn’t get what he wants. He has made no attempt to address that behaviour or apologise for the impact it had on you.

He will not make you happy in the long run.

crumblingschools · 17/10/2023 11:02

Have you had counselling?

BarleySugars · 17/10/2023 11:02

Your self esteem must be through the floor! He is at the very least a Grade A Shitbag.

Clarinet1 · 17/10/2023 11:02

Sorry OP but what on Earth are you doing having anything to do with a person and his family who ever put you through this? Also, if you’re not sure about reintroducing DS to him how great a relationship can it be?
It sounds to me as though you need to spend some time without a DP concentrating on your DS and getting some therapy.

AutumIsOrange · 17/10/2023 11:03

Why are you frightened of being alone OP? What about it scares you? Maybe we can reassure you because as someone who spent 10 yrs with a man who would speak to me like yours has when he didn’t get his own way, I can tell you single life is immeasurably better.

MuggleMe · 17/10/2023 11:03

I'm horrified at what he did and that you don't have the self-worth to see what a manipulative disgusting 'man' he is and kick him to the curb.

He nearly caused you to leave your child without a mother. He destroyed your mental health, he won't hesitate to do it again as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. The baby you both made was a 'situation' to be dealt with at your expense. He's a nasty piece of work.

RB68 · 17/10/2023 11:04

He is not good for you,
He does not have your best interests at heart
He manipulates you
He humiliates you in front of friends to ostracise you
He controls his family to shun you if you are not "behaving" how he likes/prefers

Frankly you need to let him go and take his evil ways with him. He is love bombing you and is still manipulating you and your emotions. I would suggest some therapy for you to see things more clearly and what your future holds for you.

Please do whats best for you and no one else, get some help and work through this

bombastix · 17/10/2023 11:04

It will end with you being very very mentally unwell and being unable to look after your child OP.

This man sounds highly abusive. I would guess he is all nice and then nasty repeatedly. You can do better. His conduct is not loving. It screams contempt for you.

QueenCamilla · 17/10/2023 11:04

You have found someone equally dysfunctional to yourself. If you don't want to share the responsibility of effin up your life (and that of future children) then you get out, get some serious psychotherapy of your own and then seek a healthy relationship when your mental health is on an even keel.
There is a better life out there but you have to want it instead of seeking out a shit-show for whatever stimulation it gives you.

Olika · 17/10/2023 11:05

You must be desperate to return to him. Your life and future will be totally screwed until you find the courage to walk away for good. It might be good for a while but it will end.

Gerrataere · 17/10/2023 11:05

Every ounce of me wanted to just ask ‘are you stupid’ the moment I reached the ‘and I got back together with him’ part, but it’s not helpful because you’ve been drawn in by a monster and it’s very difficult to escape the mentality you’re in/he’s caused. He isn’t your saviour, he isn’t going to give you what you want or fix the years of pain you’ve evidently been through. Please, please walk away from him. You are better than this.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2023 11:05

Jesus christ what the fuck are you doing.
Get rid of him and work on why you would ever contemplate this in the first place.

BerriesNutsConkers · 17/10/2023 11:05

You are being ridiculous to get back with this pathetic excuse for a man.

Please get some help to sort yourself out.

Clarinet1 · 17/10/2023 11:06

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

Crossposted with this; What would be so terrible about being single? Definitely better to be single and good, healthy, happy mother than in a relationship and suicidal!

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