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AIBU?

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To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

354 replies

nle · 17/10/2023 10:45

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

OP posts:
justplodding · 17/10/2023 11:06

OP

he may be lovely right now day to day...BUT you have seen how he acts when times are tough, things dont go his way or life is hard.

So RIGHT NOW he may be great and i dont doubt it, but imagine in 5 or 10 years down the line, when you have kids, you both work, the bills are high, also couple this with his family and the support or lack of they have shown you.

I urge you to take a stronger stance and see your own self worth because this isnt it x

therealcookiemonster · 17/10/2023 11:06

@nle you need serious therapy. the fact that you are letting back into your life someone who emotionally abused you to this extent demonstrates you need help.

what you described is abuse, nothing less.

also you do not love him. I am sorry to be so harsh but you are being delusional. you are attached to him likely a trauma bond which can be very strong. but this is not love.

you need to work on yourself and then find someone who is decent and not a total bastard.

get out before its too late.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 11:06

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Toomucho · 17/10/2023 11:07

You can't forgive him because it's unforgivable. You deserve better and it is better for you and your child to be without him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2023 11:07

You really really need to split up and get away from this man.

His actions - his deliberate actions - caused you to attempt suicide. He knows this and has barely even apologised.

You need to get him out of your life completely.

You need to prioritise your existing child, and not get into another relationship until you are in a much, much healthier place. Your child doesn’t need you getting involved with men who make you want to end your life.

littlegrebe · 17/10/2023 11:07

He didn't have your back when you were going through a really shit time, and doesn't even think he's done anything wrong. You can't rely on him. What if you had another pregnancy/miscarriage, or a diagnosis of a really serious illness? He'd be straight back to his mum and cause you more stress and upset than if you were single to begin with.

therealcookiemonster · 17/10/2023 11:07

also he is being nice and lovely because everything is going his way. the minute you 'step out of line' he will show his true face again

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/10/2023 11:07

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

Why is being single so terrible? How can no partner be worse than a vicious, abusive one who drives you to suicide? You got on without him once before and I bet you were happier than you are now.

WowOK · 17/10/2023 11:08

He tried to manipulate you to have an abortion. He humiliated you. He got his family to block you. You deserve better than this. Honestly, this isn't love.

Selenitetower · 17/10/2023 11:08

I feel for you OP, you sound trauma bonded to your relationship. When it’s good it’s good but when it’s bad it’s bloody awful and while you make it through the tumultuous times with him when you are in a good place you feel happy and loved and you crave those good times and the good feeling that comes with that. I would recommend you read this https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#:~:text=Trauma%20bonding%20is%20a%20psychological,of%20abuse%2C%20followed%20by%20remorse. And if it’s something that you can afford/facilitate I would recommend seeing a therapist.

Trauma bonding: Definition, examples, signs, and recovery

Trauma bonding occurs when someone experiencing abuse develops an attachment for their abuser. Learn about the signs and the healing process here.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#:~:text=Trauma%20bonding%20is%20a%20psychological,of%20abuse%2C%20followed%20by%20remorse.

Bumcake · 17/10/2023 11:08

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

There are dog turds on the pavement better than him, honestly.

stargirl1701 · 17/10/2023 11:09

This is a toxic relationship, OP.

Have you considered doing The Freedom Programme?

bombastix · 17/10/2023 11:09

I bet you think about him all the time. Just how he likes it

pinkwatermelon · 17/10/2023 11:09

Why are you with him? Struggling to have any sympathy tbh as you have willingly put yourself in this position. I genuinely don’t know what kind of advice you expect people to give?

SoftSheen · 17/10/2023 11:10

I never say this, but you really should leave him. He is not a good person and you are never going to gain happiness from this relationship.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 17/10/2023 11:10

This is awful, what he did is unforgiveable. Literally, unforgiveable, and that is why you resent him, because a part of you knows that and are trying to suppress it.

I am so sorry for all you've been through. You deserve so much more than this.

JustKen · 17/10/2023 11:10

Oh sweetheart. You are worth so much more than this man. He doesn't value you, or respect you, or treat you with kindness. His family are a basketcase. He's not helping with your mental health at all.

Bin him. Spend time on your own. Figure out who you are. Gain strength in knowing you can cope on your own. Take some self-care, like mindfulness, or getting your hair & nails done, or doing something you love just for yourself, on your own. Your value isn't tied to keeping a man, it's what you add to the world! This could be something as simple as achieving something at work, or being the best mum you can be, or helping a friend, or volunteering, or raising money for charity, or doing community work, or lots of other things. And when you feel better about yourself you will raise your bar and you can pick a man worthy of your love.

therealcookiemonster · 17/10/2023 11:11

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

@nle you are not alone OP, you have a child. however if this man pushes you to attempt suicide again, your child will be alone.

I can guarantee that you can do better. there are plenty of men out there who aren't utter bastards. and even if you are single, it's not so bad. I have been single for most of my life and it really has a lot of upsides

Thedm · 17/10/2023 11:11

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BingoDingoZingo · 17/10/2023 11:11

Why the fuck are you with him?!?! This has disaster written all over it.

Carouselfish · 17/10/2023 11:11

Separate his words from his actions.
Under stress he showed you what he is capable of. That him hasn't gone away, it's just dormant while he is stress free.
His moral character is lacking.
I cannot believe the line after I attempted suicide was we are back together. I would have moved town for a fresh start and cut him, his friends and family off.
There is no future. He thinks he acted correctly. His friends and family have a false and terrible view of you.
Please op, save yourself from this horrible situation.

LeviOsaNotLeviosaa · 17/10/2023 11:12

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SkiingIsHeaven · 17/10/2023 11:12

If you have to keep the relationship secret, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

Jl2014 · 17/10/2023 11:12

Decent people just don’t behave like this, OP. This is his modus operandi when things get tough or don’t go his way. No one has a relationship of plain sailing so you know that this is how he will inevitably behave in the future.

Either walk away and get rid of this scum bag or accept that eventually he will screw over and it will all have been very predictable.

Take responsibility and control of your own life.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 17/10/2023 11:12

Stop tying yourself to drama......honestly, he might seem exciting now with the constant ups and downs but that shit gets old fast.