To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

[nle]

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

Op you need to concentrate on healing yourself and being a dm to your dc. There should be no place in your lives for your abuser.

I hope it goes ok for you, OP.

You know, you are allowed to dump him by a message/text if you need to. When he's been this awful to you that would be totally reasonable.

Being alone is so much better than this .

I had a similar situation. When everything was going his way - fine. When I needed anything it was " why is my time worth less than your time " and other bollocks . I became pg and I'm so glad I did t tie myself to him with a child , even my boss sat me down to tell me what a shit father he'd have been .

Leave him . It's hard . But you will never win in a relationship like this.

Prediction of the year! Relationship will not last and you will be back posting about it!
Find your back bone and self worth OP!

Nooooooooooooooo!

Raise your bar!

You can't get over it because it's unforgivable. He hasn't even shown remorse- he will behave exactly the same way again if it happens again. And how on earth is he going to behave in other life situations?!

What happens if you do something that he doesn't agree with?!

And in the background to this your child is witnessing it all. You may think you hide it but you can't.

Please raise your bar. Life as a single person is not the end, this man pushed you to the brink of suicide!

Put your child first, put you second and end this drama fuelled hell.

This thread is an absolute pile on.

The victim blaming, personal attacks, and downright cruelty towards a woman who is traumatised and the victim of abuse is shameful and more worthy of 4chan than Mumsnet. It's disgusting.

OP, please don't come back and keep posting. You won't get the right help here. Please call Women's Aid, and go to your GP and explain and ask for counselling. You may not feel strong enough to leave him now but you will get there.

It's not victim blaming, it certainly isn't her fault he is abusive and manipulative. He won't own his actions but he is terrible.

She has choices, she has the power to leave, she has the physical ability to remove herself and her child from this situation. This isn't a criticism, this is showing her she has options! She can raise her bar and make the decisions that will keep her and herself safe.

I was in this very position 8 years ago. I know it's hard, I didn't want to break my family up and I normalised his abuse- but I eventually realised I had the power to change this situation- I began to make choices not on fear of being alone but choices to put my child in a safe environment without a tearful stressed out mother. She needs that wake up call, she needs to know this isn't the only option.

This message might be a life saver to her literally. I know had I had it spelt out to me sooner I might have left earlier.

So OP these messages might seem harsh, but you have the power of choice you can make your life great without an abuser, you can give your child a happy life. You have the power.

It absolutely is victim blaming when posters are calling her an idiot, laughing at her, shaming her for trying to commit suicide, shouting at her that she's an awful parent, and so on.

Anyone with half a brain cell should know what abuse can do to someone and how impossible it can feel to leave.

Everything about this is revolting. I hope you dont bring a child into this scenario

nothing more to add

I agree

And this behaviour has become so much more prevalent here. Why would anyone post for support and advice on how to get out of a toxic abusive situation now when these are the replies they can expect to receive?

I've posted stuff on the relationship board before , deliberately not on AIBU because I couldn't cope with the vitriol and still got it anyway .

The behaviour toward women here who have found themselves in a domestically abusive situation is pretty disgusting. This isn't a place of support . It's akin to sticking the village idiot in the stocks and chucking rotten fruit at them . Only these women aren't idiots . They damaged , asking for advice , help and support . And get this .

What a catch !!!!!

It will get deleted soon to save the face of MN as a site .

They'll stick some deletion message on it saying looks like op isn't coming back so we've decided to remove this thread as it's not helping anyone , no shit, why would anyone come back to this ?

Then the mob can find another stooge to throw insults at . All in a day's entertainment.

What advice would you give your best friend if her boyfriend had behaved like this to her?

Hi everyone,

This is just a reminder to post with our talkguidelines in mind. We are deleting many posts that may have been intended to provide "tough love" but are actually personal attacks and not okay.

Please bear this in mind and do report anything you would like us to look at.

Thank you again for the posts.

I object to the narrative that I am a bad parent.

Yes I made an attempt on my life, after a long history of mental health struggles. I immediately accessed help and worked on getting better.

My son has never seen me cry, never heard me talk about it.

I see ExDP 1-2 days per week and the rest of the time I am absolutely devoted to my DS.

Good luck OP. I wish you the strength to see that you are worth so much more than him

For the love of god, why do you keep putting yourself through this.

I feel sorry for you because you obviously haven’t got an ounce of self love and self worth.

Op, In the gentlest possible way, I think you need some serious counselling. You have been on and off with this man for 4.5 years. In that time you have never been sure enough about him to allow him have a relationship with your son. You also got pregnant and he abandoned you immediately, turned his family and friends against you, embarrassed you by showing people messages you had sent him at your lowest point and drove you to attempt suicide. Drove you to leave your son without his mother.

He may seem like a lovely man now when he is having everything his own way but he has shown you what happens when he doesn't. He is an abusive,manipulative man.

You deserve better. There are nicer people out there and even if you don't meet someone you are better off on your own with your son. And no deep down I don't think you will get over it. You know what type of person he is now. Please finish with him and get the counselling you need.

Good luck

I don’t know if you’ve had therapy or any kind of help with your mental health but please make getting some more your utmost priority. This man has treated you absolutely appallingly, I audibly gasped when I read you’d got back with him. Nobody who truly loves you would do and say the things he has. Please believe you deserve better - he isn’t even meeting the absolute bare minimum of what a decent human being should be, let alone a partner. I’d treat my worst enemy better than that. I really hope you ended things with this frankly despicable man.

How did your talk go this evening OP?

Op I hope you managed to end it

There will come a time when you stand and wonder if it could get any worse .

And you'll answer that yourself with no .

And then you'll leave him .

I took a previous poster's advice and sent a text message, kept it short. I have blocked his number and deleted the text thread so I don't have to see it.

Good. I am glad for you, truly,

Stand strong and know you have made the right decision, not just for yourself but your son.

Good for you OP