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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

354 replies

nle · 17/10/2023 10:45

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

OP posts:
BotterMon · 17/10/2023 13:26

You're worth more than that OP - please give yourself some self-respect and get rid of him and his family.

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 13:27

ThornInMySide84 · 17/10/2023 13:14

It is so tragic that woman are so desperate to hang on to a man that treats them like shit.

I honestly don’t understand it.

There are literally millions of men in the world and they choose one that doesn’t even like them.

Any man would be better than this one.

And why not just be single.

laveritable · 17/10/2023 13:32

After the abysmal treatment!

what do you want from us?

Reallifelurker · 17/10/2023 13:33

We are now back together

Why? Just why? He’s a useless dickhead* *

Forgotmycoat · 17/10/2023 13:34

Honestly i need to stop reading mumsnet for the sake of my mental health and possibly blood pressure too. I can't bear the things I read on here at times.

This man has pushed you to the brink of suicide. How can you bear to even look at his face? I think pp was not shaming you for the suicide attempt, but mentioned you have a child as a reminder that you have a duty to keep yourself alive and well for your child and keep away from people who impact you this negatively.

He is blissfully happy because he has no idea how you feel as you say in one of your posts. He doesn't know because you have learnt to put up and shut up. it's an act of self harm to continue in this relationship. No matter how well he behaves now, it will never, ever, ever make up for his past behaviour and you know that.

Millybob · 17/10/2023 13:34

This reply has been deleted

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Servalan · 17/10/2023 13:36

So what sort of relationship are you hoping for here? If you are thinking long term, he has shown that he does not have your back when times get tough - worse - he will attack you when times are tough.
He has also shown that he does not take accountability for his actions.

Men like this never apologise, are totally focused on their own needs - your needs will never matter.

It’s easy to be fun and pleasant when the sun is shining- what marks out a keeper is how someone behaves when times are tough.

Giving him a chance if he’d been remorseful would be one thing - but he is not even acknowledging your right to be upset.

Of course you’re resentful. And from someone that married a non-apologiser - it ain’t gonna get better. Sorry

Jewelspun · 17/10/2023 13:39

You have one life. Every moment is precious. Spend it with people who love, respect and cherish you.

It might be sunshine and roses today but at any time it will become a storm and stinging nettles.

Why live like that?

WinterDeWinter · 17/10/2023 13:39

FannyBawz · 17/10/2023 10:48

Why are you back with him? 😱

This. Why in God's name did you go back to this utter cunt?

FictionalCharacter · 17/10/2023 13:40

It was a huge mistake taking him back. The way to move on is to dump him permanently.

19847499fddqqedxx · 17/10/2023 13:43

What did I just read? Are you serious?
he’s a disgusting vile individual and tbh abusive, he used triangulation method on you using his family to try and manipulate you into an abortion.
Read your post back to yourself, this is a very toxic situation and no you shouldn’t be together the fact your on and off for 4.5 years without properly settling should tell you this relationship is a sham.
He treats you like shit and tried isolating you from your friends. On top of walking out when you were pregnant and then to top this off have a go at you when at your most vulnerable after disclosing a miscarriage.
Walk away from this guy, he’s a piece of shit.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/10/2023 13:45

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

He wants to be with you because you are easy for him to manipulate.

If you had a Lamborghini and it was great to drive right up until you needed to emergency stop and the brakes failed, you'd scrap it as unsafe. How fun it was on country roads would be irrelevant because you couldn't trust it when you needed to be able to. This man is the same as that Lambo. Don't let the current lovebombing trick you into thinking he's worth being around.

Inkpotlover · 17/10/2023 13:45

Please, please get some counselling to work on your self-worth. You deserve so much better than someone who treats you like this and the fact you've taken him back is awful.

IdaPolly · 17/10/2023 13:48

Has anyone every moved on by something so major?
I'd move on by ending it. I wouldn't want to be with someone capable of behaving so badly and nor should you. There's nicer men out there.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 17/10/2023 13:58

nle · 17/10/2023 10:58

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

By the sounds of it, almost anyone would be better than him.

His behaviour has been disgusting, and he's almost driven you to suicide. You clearly don't value yourself and have little self respect. Please see your GP, obtain counselling if you can afford it, and do the Freedom Programme (it's free online).

You need to free yourself of him, and anyone like him in the future. Even if you decide to remain with him, certainly never have a child with him.

Countryliving0180 · 17/10/2023 14:03

Why would you want him though. What if you get pregnant again? Move on. Life's too short

ZickZack · 17/10/2023 14:04

Jesus what have I read
In what world do you think this is normal behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you?
Leave or you'll have to put up with that forever.

Inertia · 17/10/2023 14:13

If abusive men behaved abusively all the time they’d never have a partner. Generally, abusive men can keep up the charm when everything is rosy, they’re controlling the relationship, and they’re getting sex on tap.

The abusive behaviour begins when they lose control, or when their partner becomes pregnant, ill, a mother, or vulnerable in some way.

Don’t be fooled. He has shown you who he is.

Silvers11 · 17/10/2023 14:19

OFGS - As you keep going back to him why the F are you posting on here. Again?

nle · 17/10/2023 14:45

This reply has been deleted

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The last thing I wanted was a baby.

OP posts:
nle · 17/10/2023 14:45

K1nga23 · 17/10/2023 12:07

You sound as bad as each other

Why?

OP posts:
Reallifelurker · 17/10/2023 14:47

Yes and I often feel like I won't ever get better than him.

He isn’t better than nothing. Quite the reverse.

DoughnutDreams · 17/10/2023 14:50

You had me until you said you were back together. (Again!)
You are in a situation of your own choosing. You know exactly who he is, and how they have all treated you.

You don't love him. He doesn't love you. It sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode.

nle · 17/10/2023 14:50

So basically you keep your kid out of his way. My God…

I wouldn't introduce my son to any man I wasn't absolutely sure I wanted to be my life partner?

That's the only reason.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 17/10/2023 14:50

Being single would be infinitely better than being with this man.

This man drove you to attempt suicide, your older child would be without a mother if you had been successful in your attempt and you have taken him back.

You might not be able to leave him for yourself, so leave him for your child. Your child deserves better than this.

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