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To deeply resent DP? I think I'm traumatised

354 replies

nle · 17/10/2023 10:45

I posted about this at the time so will try and keep it brief.

DP and I have been on and off for 4.5 years.

Last year, we split but had started seeing each other again, dates, sleeping together, basically acting like normal. I then became pregnant on the pill.

The day I found out he came over and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and was "abandoning" us. His family, whom I was very close to blocked me on all social media (his mum, dad and sister). His mum said "but X doesn't want a baby". Neither did I!

He then contacted me three weeks later asking what decision I had made, I refused to tell him. He said I was wrong for this and basically made me out to be the villain.

He said that he and his family had actually wanted to be involved all along, but they were trying to manipulate me into an abortion by thinking I was going to have to raise the baby alone.

I ended up having a miscarriage and didn't tell him until later.

I eventually told him I had miscarried, over the phone. He called me names, said that he hated the thought of being tied to me forever, he accused me of sleeping with someone (I hadn't), he said there was no excuse for me to have withheld information about the pregnancy from him.

He also said he didn't want me around our friends anymore (they were his friends first). He showed people the messages of me breaking down during the height of it all. Totally humiliated me and essentially made me out to be crazy.

I attempted suicide as a result of this time, he knows this.

We are now back together. We had no contact for six months. Our families don't know.

The only time he has said sorry was when I had asked for an apology and it was a forced "sorry!" Like a disgruntled child.

He justifies what he did by saying he had a "tough choice" to make and that the way he went about things was his only option. That he knew a baby would be bad for both of us, so he did this to help us and his family.

He said "I still think you were going to keep that baby", he actually has no idea whether I was or wasn't.

This isn't the only time he's been a dick. I won't bore you with the rest of the stories.

The way he treats me has vastly improved, we have a really, really great time together. Rarely argue or have disagreements.

I just can't move on from it, I resent him and when I think about the situation and what I went through, I feel sick to my stomach.

Has anyone every moved on by something so major? I know this is probably just a big thing to me, but I can change the effect it had.

If it weren't for these big fuck ups he pulls off, he could've been the one.

Day to day, I love everything about him.

OP posts:
Brocollimatilda · 17/10/2023 17:36

He’s shown you who he is. Run. A mile.

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 17:37

Why the fuck are you back together?

Do you have no self respect?

That is all there is to say about how ridiculous this is.

Pinkshoppingbag · 17/10/2023 17:38

You're being ridiculous. You don't live together, no kids, no financial ties....just dump him FFS!

nle · 17/10/2023 17:40

You say that he manipulated you to have an abortion, yet also say that you hadn’t wanted the pregnancy yourself. What is it? You don’t need to justify anything to us but at least be honest to yourself.

No, I didn't say that. He said that the reason he and his family believed that way, was to manipulate me into an abortion. I didn't have an abortion, I had a miscarriage.

Before he blocked me, I told him I was unsure. I had known less than 24 hours.

@K1nga23

OP posts:
nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I have told him to call me this evening. I'm going to end things. I see how ridiculous this is.

Thank you.

OP posts:
nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 17:21

You thank the one poster who pays you on the back and says there there

not one of the women in the article had a child op

I was still reading through the 200+ posts

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/10/2023 17:45

I'm sure you've posted this before OP and everyone told you to stay away.

Day to day might be fine. But he is an awful person who treated you appallingly. Decent people don't do that. And while you might get on OK now you will never be able to forget his behaviour as its the behaviour of a horrible person, who is playing nice ofr the time being as things are going their way

recyclemeagain · 17/10/2023 17:53

@nle I can't help wonder what messages did you have about love when you were growing up? Your acceptance of his behaviour suggests someone who has grown up thinking you have to stay and try to make relationships work even if that is to you and your child's detriment. Did your parents have a happy marriage or did you watch a parent be rejected over and over, and therefore accept that that's normal?
Your child deserves better and so do you.
Get away from this person as you will only perpetuate the cycle of abuse for yourselves by staying.

therealcookiemonster · 17/10/2023 17:53

nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I have told him to call me this evening. I'm going to end things. I see how ridiculous this is.

Thank you.

Well done! it won't be easy... but we will be here to support you in your brave decision

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Catza · 17/10/2023 17:58

nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I have told him to call me this evening. I'm going to end things. I see how ridiculous this is.

Thank you.

Be strong. He will try to manipulate you so make sure you stick to what you know is best for you. Don't let him come over and please don't let this continue.
Once you speak to him, block his number and his SM accounts to avoid further manipulation or any chance at reconciliation. You deserve better!

WowOK · 17/10/2023 17:58

nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I have told him to call me this evening. I'm going to end things. I see how ridiculous this is.

Thank you.

Well done @nle LTB and stay left. I think you need counselling or some sort of therapy. I also think that there is more at play in this relationship. I wonder what other stuff he has been doing to you to make you think he is as good as it gets. It's worth doing the freedom programme as well. I'm guessing there is other abuse and manipulative behaviour that you haven't recognised.

joao2570 · 17/10/2023 17:59

@Barrowgirl why are you being so judgemental? It's well documented abuse victims take over 20 attempts to leave. What are you gaining from being so mean?

Forgotmycoat · 17/10/2023 18:00

He is going to manipulate you on the phone to give things another go, how good you two are together, you're giving up too easily etc. Honestly just message him and tell him it's over. and then don't engage. Yes it's brutal, but so was he when he abandoned you during pregnancy and blocked you.

WowOK · 17/10/2023 18:01

@nle have you got a friend who can come over and support you?

Leopardpj · 17/10/2023 18:01

Well done on deciding to end it OP. Stick to your guns in the face of his nonsense and remember you’re doing this for your DS- because even if this man is not seeing your DS directly, you can’t protest your DS from him. He is already massively impacting your DS’s life because he is clearly soaking up all your mental health and energy leaving nothing for your DS. You can’t be the best parent to your DS until you end this relationship. Let us know how it goes and good luck

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:12

joao2570 · 17/10/2023 17:59

@Barrowgirl why are you being so judgemental? It's well documented abuse victims take over 20 attempts to leave. What are you gaining from being so mean?

Because there is a child involved

who almost lost his mother to suicide as a result of this man

joao2570 · 17/10/2023 18:24

@Barrowgirl so making someone who already feels so bad about themselves they managed to convince themselves everyone - including the child you care about - would be better off without them helps this child how?

Goldfish41 · 17/10/2023 18:25

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:12

Because there is a child involved

who almost lost his mother to suicide as a result of this man

And telling her she’s going to fail in leaving him when she has said she will is going to help that how? If you don’t believe she will, scroll on. Telling her she’ll fail when she’s made an important and necessary decision - one that you advocate - is behaviour bordering on that of her DP, frankly.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:25

I guess I’m busy angry on the behalf of the child

I will bow out

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 17/10/2023 18:25

Why on earth are you back with him? You clearly don't like him. What will happen if you get pregnant again?

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 18:26

nle · 17/10/2023 17:43

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I have told him to call me this evening. I'm going to end things. I see how ridiculous this is.

Thank you.

This is the best thing.

It may be hard for the first few weeks, as you still struggle with your self esteem.

If you have a wobble then come on Mumsnet and read through this thread or start a new one.

Delete all of his messages and call logs, so you aren’t tempted to ring or text him.

But I promise this time next year you will have a better life and you’ll look back and wish you did it way sooner.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/10/2023 18:28

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:25

I guess I’m busy angry on the behalf of the child

I will bow out

I get it, I'm bowing out too

itsmyp4rty · 17/10/2023 18:45

Well done for choosing to end it OP. This person drove you to suicide, you need to put your child and your mental health first and not allow the possibility that you could end up in that situation again.
I think your mental health needs to be in a much better before you even consider a relationship. You need to work on your self esteem so you don't become dependent on the person you are with.

K1nga23 · 17/10/2023 18:50

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:25

I guess I’m busy angry on the behalf of the child

I will bow out

I understand you

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