To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

I'm sorry you aren't able to have children, OP. I couldn't wait for my mat leave and was so excited to have a break from work and spend the days having lovely walks and squishy baby cuddles. In reality though my son was a really unsettled grumpy little thing and screamed day and night and hated his pushchair and would howl whenever I tried to go out for a walk. I developed crippling anxiety about what the neighbours were thinking (very thin semi walls) and I cried most days at some point during the day! I was EBF so never got a break and then he dropped centiles in weight and I felt like I was failing him. That caused me so much worry and stress that I thought I was going to crack up. It really was very hard at times. Now he's a bit older it's a nightmare trying to juggle working and childcare and school runs etc. He's easier now but he still isn't the best sleeper and he's almost five now. But even though it was very hard, it was still better than having to go to work every day and de ice the windscreen on winter mornings and deal with work stress. It was a different kind of stress, but I loved the rare occasions when he was calm and settled and we could just snuggle up in bed while the world was going by outside. It's hard to explain but it was bad and amazing at the same time in my experience :)

Try 45 minutes sleep in 24 hours a few times combined with no more than 90 mins sleep in one go for 18 months and see how you get on. Sandpaper your nipples while you’re at it and rip your fanny open.

This was me with my first. He's adorable and has been lovely since around 1 year but by god he was a hard baby. Wouldn't breast feed, rarely slept for more than an hour, cried if put in his pram, had colic for three months... I was broken. I used to go around with some mum friends whose babies would sleep peacefully while they were having a meal out and it was unfathomable to me. "Sleep when your baby sleeps" they'd say... but I was pumping milk then dropping off like a drunk on a train for the remaining ten minutes my precious boy deigned to stay in the land of nod. Then I'd go to some baby group for support/adult company only to be admonished for bottle feeding and have some smug bastard ask me what would have happened "in the bush" as if birthing my baby in the wilds of Africa would have made me a better mother. (Disclaimer - we both would have died in childbirth as he was stuck and in distress after a three day labour).

My second baby was much easier BUT I had post natal depression and got a superbug in my c-section wound. I wanted to give birth naturally, had hypnosis and counselling, but I just would not bloody dilate. Blamed myself. Months of struggle with all of that fandango. But I did get to go to coffee shops and sit and watch films in the afternoon. So swings and roundabouts really.

You say you probably won't have children. Is that due to fertility issues or because you feel you won't meet someone to have children with? If it is the latter, it is very possible to go it alone.

My first mat leave I had pnd and my second was at the start of covid where we were constantly in lockdown and couldn’t see anyone. So no, it’s not all roses! But i can totally understand why it looks that way, especially if you are potentially unable to have children. Perhaps it’s more the fact that you won’t be guaranteed to experience mat leave for yourself? And I can imagine that a lifetime of full time work with no break is quite a big deal. But it’s easy to compare lives and think the grass is always greener. There’s plenty of people who have children and hate mat leave and can’t wait to get back to work, the heaviness of having responsibility for a vulnerable human can be very overwhelming and depending on what kind of baby you have, what kind of support network you have, and financially how it impacts your life can all cause major stresses. It’s definitely not all tea and cake.

I loved mat leave. Yes bits of it were hard work but it was still easier than work any day.

I object to the idea I was funded by dh though - we are equal partners in everything.

It was exactly like this with my first OP. Second was incredibly different and didn't once go to a coffee shop. I have friends who put their toddler or preschooler in childcare during mat leave and absolutely had a second mat leave like this. Obviously the nights are a different story whatever happens in the day! Spent a lot of tearful mornings watching the clock for when I could attempt to get them to nap together.

After the first few weeks of stress and recovery yes it's lovely! Don't miss work at all. It's great to have a reset. I don't have a partner so I'm stressed about how I'll have a social and romantic life one day but right now I'm happy to be with my baby all day every day.

Op I'm so sorry about your infertility. Not commenting or advising further on that but just in the mat leave lifestyle - if you want this lifestyle of cafes and baby/toddler m/playground m groups would you consider being a nanny as I see lots basically living the mat leave life and getting paid a lot for it. Could you also ask work for a sabbatical leave if you save up - it's so good to have a reset you could
Sublet your home and travel? That's what I would do it I wasn't expecting to have kids x

yes, exactly like that except .....

the boredom
the loneliness
the nappies
the vomit
the sleeplessness

that was untiI I gave up trying to do maternity leave like I was supposed to, put ds in a sling and went hiking. Problem solved. 😊

I loved maternity leave with my 3, so much that our youngest is put 2 and I haven't gone back to work. It's hard yes, raising children is difficult, but the way I see it raising them and not going to work is easier than raising them and also going to work, which is the other option. Financially, we don't get any benefits so by the time we paid full time childcare for 2 plus after school for the other, my wage would be gone. I didn't have a career though, just a job, so I can understand why women who live their career and trained etc for it want to return to work. But for me I love being at home.

Mine was exactly how you describe OP however my child didn’t sleep. So you didn’t see the being awake every 2 hours and complete lack of sleep / crying a lot.

What an unkind wind-up.

I’m sorry that you might not be able to have kids.
Having a baby was a huge culture shock. I’d worked in some form since 16 so on the one hand I was very ready for a year off but the lack of freedom took some getting used to.
Some babies “allow” their mums to do things, others (like my crazy one) determine that absolutely nothing gets done.
I enjoyed making new friends, it was an exciting time.

£172 a week, £24 a day. If you assume that on average people work 16 hour days as a minimum, that’s £1.50 an hour.

This deserves the first 8 weeks of my Mat leave but since then it's been great

I did love both my maternity leaves, for me they were much more relaxing than being at work. But mine slept Ok, if you have one that doesn’t sleep it’s horrid. Sleep deprivation is torture.

From the outside, you're only seeing the mums who have made it out of the house, not the ones who can't because they're absolutely exhausted, baby is very difficult, they have PND, etc.

On one hand it’s not like that. However…
I was a primary teacher and taught infants. My job was running me into the ground. It was physically extremely demanding (constantly down on the floor zipping up jackets, helping them do everything etc) and mentally exhausting (I used to have to lie in a dark room for an hour every night when I went back to my calm childless home). It wasn’t just normal stuff either, there were major behavioural issues that weren’t dealt with so I spent the full day firefighting as well as trying to teach kids then went home worrying non-stop about the fact they were barely getting taught because I was getting no support from management with very violent children. It led to me suffering from quite severe anxiety, being on medication etc. I had viewed maternity leave the same way you do. I obviously wanted a baby as well! In my experience it was an absolute dream. I felt like I would have loved anything in comparison to being at work. It honestly felt easy (or borderline easy)! It’s a different story on maternity leave #2 when I now have two very young kids. I also have no idea how anyone can afford to take the full year off. SMP is only £800 a month at best and for the last 3 months at my work you get nothing 😞

Both of mine were lovely and much as you describe. Apart from the bit about being funded by my husband as I earned way more than him, and had great maternity pay.

Mat leave was lovely. DH got 6m paid paternity too so we had wonderful days mooching around London galleries with baby in the sling and picnics in the park all summer, bring your baby walks, baby cinema and theatre matinees and taking baby to massage and sensory classes. Cost wasn't an issue as we have a high income and after DH went back to work I did loads of different baby classes and activities like swimming and zoo trips. Didnt spend much time sitting in cafes tbh because baby was bored being stuck in the buggy watching me eat and drink. I preferred doing things that were designed to keep baby active and entertained.

HA!

Er no, it’s definitely not sunshine and roses.

Its exhausting, you’re sleep deprived, financially it’s fucking stressful for many, your body physically and mentally hurts. And it can be lonely.

the first few months was brutal.

I loved being able to spend so much time with my little one, but it wasn’t idyllic all day long!

It may be like that for some women, but it's definitely not for all.

Some are hooked up to breast pumps relentlessly.

Some babies are velcro babies and will not be put down without crying to be held 24/7.

Some women have their nipples shredded, cracked and bleeding which is pure agony.

Some women have nasty tears or c-section wounds.

Months and months of sleep deprivation.

Some women don't even get to shower or leave their house for days when they're having a really rough time of it.

Some women have post-natal depression.

Some babies end up in NICU for months so maternity leave is spent in a chair next to them.

So, it may look like it's a breeze and all wonderful, but that isn't always the case.

I had a job I hated and I still couldn’t wait to get back to work.

Maternity leave was really lonely. It’s a relentless slog of doing everything for this tiny baby that gives no interaction back. Going to the cafe was a lifeline for me. Going somewhere and being an adult, not just being stuck in the house, nap trapped by a baby, exhausted but unable to sleep because the baby will only sleep on you. I spent a lot of time walking to the library, it probably looks lovely on the outside but the reality is that the library is free and once you’re on SMP (because a couple saves together, the woman is not funded by her partner) it gets really expensive, really fast so you go free places. If cuts are announced to public libraries I will fight that with everything I have because our tiny little village library saved my sanity.

This has got to be a wind up

🤣🤣🤣

That's a very good point