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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maternity leave looks lovely

524 replies

gillardd · 16/10/2023 19:55

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

OP posts:
Callmesleepy · 16/10/2023 20:19

Depends on the baby really. I've had one that absolutely lovely and very much like that. One was middling but my baby didn't cooperate with nice activities so it was lonely. One was absolute hell and I spent most of it wishing for a nice injury that would involve spending a few blissful days or weeks in hospital recovering. The easy one was not the first baby either.

nobleisle · 16/10/2023 20:21

I have to admit my mat leave was like this. I made great NCT friends, went to loads of groups, baby cinema and lunch dates.. I had an amazing time!

I'm a SAHM to a toddler and am pregnant and I know My next one won't look like that but I feel very lucky that I did have it.

Ddcg12 · 16/10/2023 20:21

I am currently on Maternity leave, Some days are like this but most days and nights are extremely hard. No sleep, restricted to what you want to do sometimes, appointments etc if you want to go get your nails done or being able to just nip out some where is a whole operation now! I enjoy being with my DS all day but am also looking forward to going back to work for a decent adult conversation lol. I also lost my mum 3 weeks before my baby was born so has been really tough.

Having a baby isn't just for Mat leave it's for the rest of your life ! Highs and lows and is a full time 24 hour responsibility. Not everyone has a joyful time.

WYorkshireRose · 16/10/2023 20:22

The days like you describe are few and far between, IME. I went back to work full time when DS was 7.5 months because I just couldn't stand it anymore. Main downsides being boredom and extreme sleep deprivation. We weren't short of money thankfully but I rarely had the energy to want to do anything during mat leave and felt like I completely lost my sense of self.

Werewolfnotswearwolf · 16/10/2023 20:24

Yeah I thought this - turns out it’s very lonely, you run out of money very quickly and I could not wait to get back to work by the end! Lots of it was lovely though and I look back wishing I’d had the resources to enjoy it more.

Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit123 · 16/10/2023 20:25

Maternity leave was so so much harder than work. You are just seeing a snapshot of the day.
You are sleep deprived, one daughter woke at least every 2 hours for the first 9 months. You don't get any break at all during the day. Both my children would only contact nap so i was never 'without a baby'. You want to keep ontop of housework, whilst feeding yourself, and making sure your baby is OK. All that and you are trying to eatablish breastfeeding, and dealing with your own postpartum body. I definitely prefer the toddler years.
Saying that, I am currently wanting a third so it can't be that bad!!

purplemunkey · 16/10/2023 20:25

I enjoyed my mat leave. It wasn’t idyllic but having a year off my office job was great. I funded it myself though, I’m not sure where you’ve got the impression mat leave is funded by the other half.

Oh and I can never really get on board with people describing parenting as ‘unpaid labour’. It’s not the same as a job.

SaracensMavericks · 16/10/2023 20:26

It's mainly the sleep deprivation that makes it hard IMO. It's difficult to enjoy it when you're exhausted.

Summermeadowflowers · 16/10/2023 20:27

It’s definitely ‘they were the best of times, they were the worst of times.’ First one was nicer in some ways as had NCT friends, this one is lonelier but easier baby and no lockdown restrictions.

I love going to baby classes though.

scoobycute · 16/10/2023 20:27

I can't really understand if this is a joke post or not. Perhaps I'm taking it a little thick as someone who is currently off on mat leave with a 6 week old and a 2 year old. And struggling.

Most days you just need.to.get.out.of.the.house...you try and think of places to go that are child friendly. That you can get caffeine. That will cater to both ages. You long for adult interaction and try your best to socialise with like minded, similarly struggling mums so you can just talk! This is all on top of potentially very very little sleep where you just kind of drift about like a zombie whilst trying to keep other humans alive!

Some days are good and lovely! And enjoyable and cuddly and productive.

But it's not all silky heads and eating cake.

Whenwillglorioussummercome · 16/10/2023 20:27

This thread in itself is enough to show experiences vary but I am one of the lucky ones who mostly adored maternity leave. I did find it hard occasionally when it felt like I had nothing very exciting to say to DH at the end of the day but for the most part they were the best bits of my adult life.

It must feel very hard to see what looks like a rewarding time off and think it may never happen for you. I second/third/fourth suggestions that you investigate sabbatical options maybe? Or part time working to get more of a work/life balance?

lesserspotted · 16/10/2023 20:28

My maternity leaves were amazing, best times of my life

DinaofCloud9 · 16/10/2023 20:28

I really enjoyed both of mine. It's not always hell. I dreaded going back to work.

bakewellbride · 16/10/2023 20:29

With my youngest I had sleep deprivation hell. It truly was an awful time. I remember at my lowest pushing the buggy and being so exhausted that had I not have had the buggy to hold on to I would've collapsed on the street. Genuinely too exhausted to walk unaided.

Another low point sobbing down the phone to a helpline asking them how I could make it through another day.

Crying every day for months. Being woken hourly for 11 months.

Absolute hell and looking back i don't know how I made it through. Things are much better now and I'm happy again now. Dd is a wonderful toddler and things are good again.

Mum3563 · 16/10/2023 20:29

I was exhausted from not sleeping. But yes I loved it.

arintingly · 16/10/2023 20:30

It really depends. The big variables:

If you have a child with health issues - my first had 3 heart surgeries in his first year. No picnic and even the times between surgeries, many appointments. But even things like reflux which sound minor can make things really hard.

If your child sleeps well. Mine both woke up every 2 hours until they were a few months old.

How much you enjoy your job - I enjoy mine.

I still had a decent time on mat leave but it was no holiday

AfterWeights · 16/10/2023 20:32

I loved it both times round.

My job is pretty stressful/full on. Mat leave was lovely by comparison.

DarkForces · 16/10/2023 20:32

But then you go back to work and have a job and a child to deal with for the next 17 years

bakewellbride · 16/10/2023 20:32

@arintingly sorry to hear of your struggles. Don't forget on your list the big variable of family support / support network. I have no family nearby which made things a thousand times harder.

kikisparks · 16/10/2023 20:32

Mine was nothing like that. We funded it from maternity pay and savings. It was for the first few months mostly pumping, washing, sterilising, making up formula, cooling formula, changing nappies, doing laundry, walking up and down the living room for hours with a crying baby, barely getting to eat and not really sleeping at all. I enjoyed it more as time went on and we were able to get into more of a routine, ditch the pump and actually get out, and there were a few idyllic days but I would say the toddler years where we are both working and spending a day off each with DD have been better and more balanced even if it’s more of a juggle.

It took us 4 years to have DD and even at the hardest times I am eternally grateful. I am so sorry if you want to have a child and it looks like it won’t happen for you.

arintingly · 16/10/2023 20:33

bakewellbride · 16/10/2023 20:32

@arintingly sorry to hear of your struggles. Don't forget on your list the big variable of family support / support network. I have no family nearby which made things a thousand times harder.

Yes, very true. I also had none of that

Vitriolinsanity · 16/10/2023 20:33

Fuck me it was boring.

pilates · 16/10/2023 20:34

Alot of the time it is boring and lonely. You are constantly looking at the clock for the next feed/nap. It is tiring and you are on call 24/7. I think you are looking through rose tinted glasses.

Oopsupsideyourheadache · 16/10/2023 20:34

Currently on my second and last mat leave. It's a really strange time. It's lovely being able to bond with my baby and toddler during a slightly slower pace of life, but it's also extremely lonely (even more so with my first as he was born in April 2020, peak covid). I have little income as SMP is so low that lunches and coffees and cakes are a treat and don't happen often so it's mainly walks to the park. It does have some lovely pluses but I'm very much looking forward to going back to work

Nina9870 · 16/10/2023 20:34

I really enjoyed my mat leaves, hard at times, but I’d much rather be with my babies than at work!
I appreciate it’s different for everyone though.