To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

With dtds it was lovely but with dd1 😩 that dc didn’t sleep and mostly cried. She’s 15 and lovely now. Work has been awful over the last year and I did mention to dh that mat leave would be lovely right now… dh disagreed (I’m 41, we have 3dc and he’s had the snip 😂).

I loved mat leave, it was brilliant. But there’s a few inaccuracies for me:

1/ I funded it via savings. I am married but I outearn DH by absolutely miles. He couldn’t fund me in any shape or form. It took every £ of our savings for me to be off.
2/ Halfway through it was lockdown- that fucked it I can tell you.
3/ I was hideously sleep deprived. Very happy and still loved it. But it was fucking hard work, baby was EBF and contact slept. The nights were long.

But yes it was miles better than sodding work.

These are the nice parts, and it is good in general to do something else other than career for a while, but it is also exhausting and going out for coffee etc kept me sane!

Best time of my life. I loved every minute. I wish I could do it forever. Genuinely.

My maternity leave with DD1 was totally wonderful. Easy baby, just did lots of dog walks, met up with friends and had a really lovely time. DD2 was more difficult so definitely harder, plus juggling DD1 and nursery but I still absolutely loved it. Mat leave was definitely one of the best phases of my adult life, (and I was in job that I really loved...)

I enjoyed my mat leave, apart from the tiredness and physical recovery.

But i funded it myself. I had maternity pay and savings. Like most women.

I don’t know why you’ve assumed I’m being ‘funded’ by my DH.

We have joint household income - which is reduced when I’m on Mat leave.

I am very lucky to have 6 months paid Mat leave which has nothing to do with DH ‘funding’ me.

Oh yes, 3 hours sleep a night in batches of 30 minutes, searing nipple pain, constant worry that you have no fucking idea what you’re doing and at worse your parental ineptitude will kill your baby. Plus the endless hours of monotony and lack of adult contact. Oh yeah and the crying (both you and baby). Those were the days!

Maternity leave was exhausting and isolating. I was so relieved to go back to work, it was such a break- finally had some time to myself again and felt like “me”.
And yes, it is labour and no it’s not paid.

Sorry if you are not able to have a baby but want one OP. That must be incredibly hard.

I knew you would be leapt on Op bu posters with an axe to grind but you make a fair point. I did find mat leave idyllic. My ds was a happy, contented baby and i loved cuddling him, playing with him and watching him grow and develop, seeing the world through his eyes. I Met up with friends with babies, went to nct, playgroups etc, saw family and just spent time together at home. So yes, it can be idyllic.

It can be like that on a good day. But there are plenty of days where you're covered in puke and poo, on no sleep, desperate for adult conversation and can't get the most basic things done because you have an overtired baby who won't nap, won't be put down and screams all day. Swings and roundabouts.

It's a bit of both. It's definitely better than working if you can afford it and your job is stressful. I love sitting in cafes in the middle of day whilst my baby sleeps, or going on nice walks in the park, or watching daytime tv. But then other days can be hell on earth where the baby doesn't stop crying, you haven't had time to eat, you're exhausted but can't nap and it can be very lonely if you don't have many mum friends.

I hated maternity leave. I have never been so bored in my life. Babiesneither give interesting feedback nor are an interesting topic of conversation for very long, All my friends were working. My house has never been so clean in my life. You can only cuddle a baby so long before your arm goes numb.

Id rather have had 6 months off when they were about 8, or 12, but no maternity pay to help do that.

I do remember that feeling though when I was struggling to get pregnant and everyone else looked to be having amazing times with their baby so you are not unreasonable on that front. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

I was absolutely exhausted throughout my maternity leave and well into the second year. I often cried about it. Yes the cafes and playgroups could be nice, but it could also be very boring. I had to get out to them as I would have gone crazy staying in with a baby all day. I often felt very lonely too. I was on call 24/7 to a child that I loved but was the main person who provided their nutrition and comfort. It felt like a very heavy burden and I often felt trapped. I would watch TV at night on tenterhooks in case they woke up, which they often did. And in the early days I would have a baby on me practically 24/7. I couldn't go away for work or for the weekend like my husband could. I wouldn't change it, but bringing up a baby is work which is often really hard and unacknowledged by society on general.

Why don't you take a career break OP? Save money that parents may pay for nursery, clothing etc?

I told my friend that having a baby is like going to a special viewing of your favourite film at the cinema... You are so excited to go, but when you get there the person next to you punches you hard in the face every five minutes 😆 The actual film is great but it's a lot harder to enjoy than you thought it would be 😆

Bit of a mad analogy I know but I really meant it! I think it explains my maternity leave. However mat leave was still better than trying to work whilst sleeplessly looking after a baby...

Perfect comment

Ah ha ha ha ha. No. I HATED maternity leave. I was so happy to get back to work at the end of it.

It was an exhausting relentless slog.

I’m so sorry that you may not be able to have children, OP.

I completely agree with you. My maternity leave was easily the happiest year of my life. Some days were really tough, and my MH took a dip at times, but it was mostly as you describe. And on the worst days, even if I didn’t have a clue what might come our way, the one certainty I had was that I’d be spending it with my baby…and, if nothing else, that was 100% preferable to being at work.

The toddler years are a tad different and I welcome the reprieve that a working day brings 🤣

But yes, I’d say you’re on the money for a big chunk of mums.

Take good care of yourself xxx

I had a baby in February 2020 so there wasn’t much of all that apart from the cuddles (quite nice, except when you are thirsty/hungry/misplaced your kindle. I did watch quite a bit of TV and did lots of walking too. But it was quite dull after a few weeks compared to real life.

No one funded it for me, I saved and spent wisely, as did my DH, both contributing to the household.

A few of my friends have taken sabbaticals. They saved up and got some time off work. One sailed a boat round the world. Might be worth considering.

For me, maternity leave is incredibly lonely, filled with sleepless nights and the stress of having to keep it together and not get a second to myself.

It massively varies. I had three maternity leaves. My first was pretty rubbish - I was lonely, isolated and never made any friends. Spent a lot of time taking my DD to baby groups and feeling awkward, my baby didn't sleep and I couldn't wait to get back to work. My second maternity leave was amazing, loved every minute, DD2 was a better sleeper and I made some good friends in a pregnancy yoga class, many of whom I'm still friends with years later. I hated going back to work! Third maternity leave was during lockdown and home schooling so an absolute shit show.

I think the reality is that for some people maternity leave is that fun, going out for coffee and enjoying being away from the rat race. But for others it's isolating, lonely and quite frankly boring. And even if you have the "good" maternity leave, looking after an infant is hard bloody work, and it's often unappreciated.

Also, I don't think having your husband pay for your lifestyle is necessarily always how it is (if you're the high earner - I am in my family), nor necessarily a good thing. I know lots of women where there was resentment on the part of their husbands for them being on mat leave, that the husbands are working hard at work, paying their way etc. It can really introduce some unpleasant dynamics in a relationship when men don't recognise the labour that is child rearing.

I had severe postnatal depression. Worst time of my life. The women with babies having a nice walk in the park with me were other patients and our mental health nurses.
Baby was very much longed for after many years of miscarriage and fertility problems.

I funded my mat leave myself.

Edit to add that I had what I guess you could call an “easy” baby.

My maternity looked more like this...