Page 21 | To think maternity leave looks lovely

gillardd · 2023-10-16T18:55:33+00:00

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV. It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside. I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

Pipsqueakpopsqueak · 22/10/2023 23:27

You can simulate it: set an alarm on your phone to go off every 1-2 hours, from 10pm to 5.30am, which is when you get up for the day, no exceptions, even at weekends. When the alarm goes off you must walk slowly around your house in the dark, with one tit hanging out of your bra, for at least 30 minutes. Start there, see how you feel in yourself after a month.

Maternity leave was one of the most challenging times of my life. Money is tight, your freedom is gone, you’re knackered beyond belief, and there’s an odd grief for who and what were before. Also in my experience, a scattering of traumatic flashbacks from the birth, a partner who doesn’t really understand what you’re going through, hair loss, leaking lumpy veiny boobs, a floppy belly with nerve damage, crushing anxiety and the thought of sex makes you want to hurl. Everyone has an opinion on your choices, including random strangers. And the realisation that you are responsible for a life can hit you very suddenly; what if you drop them going down the stairs? And because of all the aforementioned things and shitty social media influencers and acquaintances bragging about how maternally blessed they are, you feel overwhelmingly lonely. You can’t say any of this out loud for fear that everyone will look at you in horror and you are declared an unfit mother.

A lot of new mums are pretending they are okay when they aren’t.

Rainallnight · 22/10/2023 23:34

I absolutely loved it. One of the happiest times in my life, no question. (Technically, it was adoption leave)

Miamonthly · 23/10/2023 00:34

@fixies

Exactly - maternity can be hugely challenging for many reasons.

Which is why I found it being termed “a doss” offensive.

Because that flippantly disregards everyone who found it persistently difficult, which is most people.

Some found it a wonderful experience and really enjoyed it and it’s been lovely to read of those experiences.

But to have someone say it’s a doss - “to spend time idly” was really annoying.

I realised the previous poster was a FF because there is no way in hell you’d be going downstream on a kayak with a baby strapped to you in a sling… and pointed out the reason for the ease they encountered was because they dispersed the responsibility with regard to feeding.

And asked that they please not refer to maternity as a doss (as it just shits on everyone else).

The issue was not with the mode of feeding or anything the PP did, entirely their choice. But coming on to a forum and brushing aside how challenging maternity usually is… by comparison to other posts where people outlined positive experiences, it was nonchalant and disrespectful.

Mrsmozza123 · 23/10/2023 03:43

@Miamonthly @AngryBirdsNoMore uou have hijacked someone else’s thread with your personal squabbles. Perhaps take this over to the DMs?

Ways to help::
Formula mum - take the baby and give them a bottle. Or do other stuff for mum so they can concentrate on feeding.
BF mum - Do other stuff for mum so she can concentrate on feeding.

it’s that simple.

I’m not telling you which I did, I did the best thing given my very individual and personal circumstances and I’m sure you both did too.

Now please stop tearing chunks out of each other.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 23/10/2023 08:14

@Mrsmozza123 i didn’t hijack - I was annoyed at the hijacking, and resolved not to get involved. I hate it when things turn into a bunfight about feeding. Then I got too incensed, because this making of a hierarchy of mothers helps no one.

I’ll now stop arguing with strangers on the internet - not a good use of my own maternity leave! 😱

My apologies for going so off topic.

fixies · 23/10/2023 23:11

@Miamonthly

Why couldn't you be a breast feeder and go kayaking? Or fell walking like the poster said? Having breastfed myself, I cannot see why you could take a baby on a hike or leave it with a responsible adult for a. Hour or so to ho kayaking? Can you explain? Not talking about a 3 day expedition necesarily.

To quote you You Alda say 'So yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.'

You do not acknowledge that any other number of factors could be just as exhausting as exclusive breastfeeding- and in some cases more so . At least own it.

Boymum2104 · 24/10/2023 00:09

Miamonthly · 22/10/2023 16:12

@ginandtonicwithlimes

For a bottle feeder they have the ability to drop the baby and run straight after the get home from the hospital - if they want to and have sufficient family support.

With a breast feeder you have to feed continuously even when you’ve had a caesarean or major vaginal tear, no matter what, you are on for the job.

So yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.

With my first baby I was frankly bombarded from my child was 3 days old by DH family to “take the baby” (all bottle feeders).

At 3wks I was exhausted and fed up of being bullied. I expressed 2 ounces. After rejection of avent, baby took the medela bottle. Baby gobbled it at lightning speed. Choked and turned blue. It was terrifying. Thankfully they were ok (never used medela bottles again - fyi anyone reading Mam were excellent for the transition to combi feeding at 6m, more like a breast, slower flow).

So it isn’t just difficult in terms of the baby rejecting bottles, formulas or developing constipation and gastric problems. It can be dangerous.

Honestly, if you have not breast fed you have zero clue what you are on about. It’s like a virgin thinking they know about sex or a man thinking he knows about periods.

I never listened to my bottle feeder relatives ever again.

At 6wks I went to la leche meetings with actual experts and breast feeders. Within 24 hours of being at the first meeting all of the issues I had with bf disappeared. Because I had got help and support from people who were experienced.

That is what women need.

For someone who lords breastfeeding you're not selling it very well hahaha

Miamonthly · 24/10/2023 00:32

fixies · 23/10/2023 23:11

@Miamonthly

Why couldn't you be a breast feeder and go kayaking? Or fell walking like the poster said? Having breastfed myself, I cannot see why you could take a baby on a hike or leave it with a responsible adult for a. Hour or so to ho kayaking? Can you explain? Not talking about a 3 day expedition necesarily.

To quote you You Alda say 'So yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.'

You do not acknowledge that any other number of factors could be just as exhausting as exclusive breastfeeding- and in some cases more so . At least own it.

@fixies

Never said a breastfeeder couldn’t go a hike.

kayaking is unlikely because generally several hrs plus set up in and out, you don’t just pop in for 30 mins. Up until weaning is well underway post 6m, baby could still have the urge to be feeding every 2-3hrs. Yes you can pump enough for longer breaks post about 4 months, but this brings me to the other factor - fatigue, kayaking is quite demanding energetically, and I can’t imagine a bf Mum going for this based on energy levels. Walk/gym yes… but full day’s excursion not likely.

My issue was with the broadbrush statement

”Maternity leave is an absolute doss.”

as I don’t agree with it and I feel the general attitude in the post was nonchalant and dismissive of other women’s choices - for instance the post that followed this saying about how all the breast feeders mental health had been destroyed, heartbreaking - as if they’re all so stupid for doing something so unnecessary… with the insinuation that they could have been out enjoying themselves instead.

The issue isn’t mode of feeding. But mode of communication.

I’ll leave it there, I don’t wish to detract from the thread further. Apologies all for being sensitive.

Blueink · 24/10/2023 03:43

Breastfeeding can be difficult to establish especially due to lack of support. It is of course more physically demanding than bottle feeding, hence requiring more calories and fluid intake.

It is still the gold standard and adapts to the baby’s needs and even the weather and thus not comparable to powdered milk. Even donor milk is preferable, hence it is privileged for baby’s in special care.

Breastfeeding isn’t possible in all circumstances, in many cases due to lack of early input from specialists, but not all.

Most people on maternity leave are using the time to recover from pregnancy and birth and to prioritise caring for and spending time with their baby before going back to work.

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 10:08

Pipsqueakpopsqueak · 22/10/2023 23:27

You can simulate it: set an alarm on your phone to go off every 1-2 hours, from 10pm to 5.30am, which is when you get up for the day, no exceptions, even at weekends. When the alarm goes off you must walk slowly around your house in the dark, with one tit hanging out of your bra, for at least 30 minutes. Start there, see how you feel in yourself after a month.

Maternity leave was one of the most challenging times of my life. Money is tight, your freedom is gone, you’re knackered beyond belief, and there’s an odd grief for who and what were before. Also in my experience, a scattering of traumatic flashbacks from the birth, a partner who doesn’t really understand what you’re going through, hair loss, leaking lumpy veiny boobs, a floppy belly with nerve damage, crushing anxiety and the thought of sex makes you want to hurl. Everyone has an opinion on your choices, including random strangers. And the realisation that you are responsible for a life can hit you very suddenly; what if you drop them going down the stairs? And because of all the aforementioned things and shitty social media influencers and acquaintances bragging about how maternally blessed they are, you feel overwhelmingly lonely. You can’t say any of this out loud for fear that everyone will look at you in horror and you are declared an unfit mother.

A lot of new mums are pretending they are okay when they aren’t.

Add in cracked bleeding nipples, vaginal tears/c-section scar, post partum bleeding, massive hormone swings, freezing cold nights, tension headaches from holding yourself in awkward positions when feeding/winding, vitamin deficiencies from blood loss and then judgemental comments about another woman’s feeding choice when feeling at absolute rock bottom.

It’s such a joyous time! 🤣🤣🤣

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 10:16

Miamonthly · 22/10/2023 16:12

@ginandtonicwithlimes

For a bottle feeder they have the ability to drop the baby and run straight after the get home from the hospital - if they want to and have sufficient family support.

With a breast feeder you have to feed continuously even when you’ve had a caesarean or major vaginal tear, no matter what, you are on for the job.

So yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.

With my first baby I was frankly bombarded from my child was 3 days old by DH family to “take the baby” (all bottle feeders).

At 3wks I was exhausted and fed up of being bullied. I expressed 2 ounces. After rejection of avent, baby took the medela bottle. Baby gobbled it at lightning speed. Choked and turned blue. It was terrifying. Thankfully they were ok (never used medela bottles again - fyi anyone reading Mam were excellent for the transition to combi feeding at 6m, more like a breast, slower flow).

So it isn’t just difficult in terms of the baby rejecting bottles, formulas or developing constipation and gastric problems. It can be dangerous.

Honestly, if you have not breast fed you have zero clue what you are on about. It’s like a virgin thinking they know about sex or a man thinking he knows about periods.

I never listened to my bottle feeder relatives ever again.

At 6wks I went to la leche meetings with actual experts and breast feeders. Within 24 hours of being at the first meeting all of the issues I had with bf disappeared. Because I had got help and support from people who were experienced.

That is what women need.

Did you say bottle feeding can be dangerous? Jesus Christ 🙄 in that case so can breast feeding and falling asleep on the sofa. Your comment is ridiculous

justplodding · 24/10/2023 10:22

OP I agree with you 100%

It is lovely, and i really loved it BUT this is only really relevant for your first child, once said baby becomes a toddler and you add a newborn into the mix its carnage 😂....... then you decide to add a 3rd 😲

Financially it can be tough though so that can dampen it slightly.

Augustus40 · 24/10/2023 10:26

Hell no. Isolating no family support etc.

Hardest phase of my life.

Serrina · 24/10/2023 16:11

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 10:16

Did you say bottle feeding can be dangerous? Jesus Christ 🙄 in that case so can breast feeding and falling asleep on the sofa. Your comment is ridiculous

Show quote history

I think she meant attempting to bottle feed a baby who won't take a bottle can be dangerous in the sense that they could starve. My eldest simply Would. Not. Take. The bottle. No matter what I did. She had severe reflux as well to the point she was hospitalised, which could have had something to do with it. But attempting to bottle feed her would have been dangerous in her case.

Miamonthly · 24/10/2023 16:55

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 10:16

Did you say bottle feeding can be dangerous? Jesus Christ 🙄 in that case so can breast feeding and falling asleep on the sofa. Your comment is ridiculous

Show quote history

@FlipFlop1987

Kindly read the post I was replying to and put it into context.

I was not saying that bottle feeding can be dangerous.

The baby is used to feeding from a breast which requires strong and repeated sucking.

The flow of milk from a bottle requires much less effort. A breast fed baby is liable to suck far too hard, get a huge rush of milk and it can cause them to choke.

That’s what I experienced and it’s pretty common knowledge for those switching.

Boymum2104 · 24/10/2023 17:11

I went on the idyllic countryside walk today & then thought I would treat myself to a hot chocolate in costa.. then my son sh*t all over me in costa😂

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 20:59

But it just takes time and not a life or death matter. At some point the baby will learn to adjust their sucking reflex, I’ve done it twice with breast fed babies. You can’t live in fear of the bottle. This is why they recommend introducing a bottle once breastfeeding is established. In an emergency, for example you were in hospital who would feed your baby, or would you not let anyone attempt it because it’s dangerous and the baby is better off starving

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 21:03

I’m sorry your baby was so unwell, it must have been really distressing at the time to see them like that when so small. I do think that is quite an extreme case though, the vast majority of babies can learn to bottle feed with no issues, it just the longer they aren’t introduced, the harder it is

NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic · 24/10/2023 21:27

Boymum2104 · 24/10/2023 17:11

I went on the idyllic countryside walk today & then thought I would treat myself to a hot chocolate in costa.. then my son sh*t all over me in costa😂

Today we went for a hike then we went for lunch with Grandma... Bub finished her meal then promptly projectile vomited... onto someone at the next tables face. 😅😅😅
Was a lovely day overall though 😅 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Miamonthly · 25/10/2023 09:28

FlipFlop1987 · 24/10/2023 20:59

But it just takes time and not a life or death matter. At some point the baby will learn to adjust their sucking reflex, I’ve done it twice with breast fed babies. You can’t live in fear of the bottle. This is why they recommend introducing a bottle once breastfeeding is established. In an emergency, for example you were in hospital who would feed your baby, or would you not let anyone attempt it because it’s dangerous and the baby is better off starving

@FlipFlop1987

Completely agree with you.

In the previous post I was replying to someone who was saying “oh you can just switch”

And I was pointing out that it can be a bit complicated and needs to be done with care.

The advice I had from bottle feeders in the family was “you can just express, and then we can take the baby and you can sleep”….

At 3wks bf was not fully established, and I was only starting to learn about it. I didn’t know (stupidly) the flow of milk from a bottle would be faster, which I think led to the choking incident. Baby was fine after a minute or two but it was scary. I wish I had had more breast feeding Mums to take advice from. Eventually I found them!

At 6m we had to go straight from breast to bottle for a wk as I was in hospital. And there was a lot of stress around would baby take the bottle etc. In the end Mam bottles were amazing, took straight away and can sterilise in micro too. The issue we then had was constipation from the first two formulas. Extreme distress from baby. And anal fissures developing. So needless to say we went back to bf as much as possible after that… unfortunately then my milk supply dwindled and went completely at 9m.

Anyway my point was switching can be tricky.

Ilikepinacoladass · 25/10/2023 18:00

AngryBirdsNoMore · 22/10/2023 22:54

@Miamonthly your attitude to formula feeding mothers stinks. You’re MORE deserving because you breastfed? Formula feeding mums can run as soon as they give birth?

Total bullshit.

I expressed for hours every day for months for my first child. I couldn’t medically breastfeed. The pressure to try to get blood from that stone sank me into depression and took me away from my baby. It was NOT best for either of us. The fear of the same pressure and physical and psychological pain contributed to my perinatal depression and suicidal thoughts this time around. That’s is the impact of the hierarchy of mothers that people like you are trying to impose.

A woman who breastfeeds is not better than me and doesn’t deserve more or less love and support than me. You have no idea what is going on with someone else after birth, physically or mentally.

I’m so sorry that breastfeeding was so painful for you and that you struggled to get support, and that you felt pressured to bottle feed - and I admire you for pressing ahead with what you considered best, with medical advice, for your baby, despite the pain. I think what you did, feeding your baby from your own body, is amazing.

Why can’t you too lift other women up rather than tear them down?

Expressing for hours everyday for months is breastfeeding btw. Expressing counts as breastfeeding and is as physically demanding (maybe even more so)

Grapewrath · 25/10/2023 19:09

Maternity leave was one of best times of my life tbh.
My circumstances were not ideal- I was young, had zero family support and DH needed to work two jobs to support us but I loved just being able to spend all day with my baby. I loved the freedom of choosing what to do every day (mainly free things!) and not answering to anyone.
My baby wasn’t a great sleeper but I still really enjoyed it- just remember happy days of feeling so lucky to have a baby and really content.
Maybe being Young meant I had few expectations

Grapewrath · 25/10/2023 19:11

Also- I was made homeless from my rented flat snd ended up in temp accom when on may leave but I still have happy memories of it

mrlistersgelfbride · 28/10/2023 12:17

I'm sorry you may not be able to have children OP.
I can see why you think maternity leave looks lovely.
For some women, it's really really hard.
Complete shock to the system, no sleep, missing your old life, long nights, endless breastfeeding, poo and milk and vomit. Sometimes an unsupportive partner.
I had a baby in December and it just seemed like 3 long dark months that took ages to be over.

I went to coffee shops, baby groups and die my best but after post partum psychosis I had severe PND. I remember thinking my life would never be the same.
I did enjoy the last few months, when it was summer , a little more as we were able to get outside.

I was glad to get back to work but equally that was awful with a toddler that was up for hours at night and a long commute.
Can you tell I didn't do it again 🙈😅

I think my reaction is extreme and I know many people who loved mat leave. We are all different.