To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

@KimberleyClark It wasn't meant in a nasty way. In the OP she said "probably unable to" which indicates nothing has been confirmed. Lots of people assume they can't with no medical confirmation, just because it hasn't happened yet. And lots of people were told they couldn't and went on to have children. I said nothing nasty to the OP nor did I insult her so there's no need for you to respond like that.

But you don’t know nothing has been confirmed or that she hasn’t been trying for some time without success. “Probably unable to have children” could mean that. I accept you didn’t mean it in a nasty way though.

I felt like you prior to having children, especially as I was infertile. I now have 2 IVF children. Raising them isn't easy and many days I take my blessings for granted (as is human nature). But it is a beautiful, special time, and beats the drudgery of a job you don't enjoy easily.

@ouiouiouioui it’s actually very rare so don’t worry too much! It never even occurred to me to be worried about it beforehand. I’ve since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which runs in my family, and it’s essentially a manifestation of that. I had already had a couple of episodes of depression, one as a teenager, before that happened.

@Peach0123 I’m much better now thanks! And it remains the only time I’ve ever had a psychotic break or manic episode in my life (my son is a teen now). But I was pretty ill at the time, was sectioned and ended up in a psych hospital mother and baby unit for several months. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which runs in my family, off the back of that episode and taking into account that I’d had two episodes of depression prior to the manic psychotic break postnatally.

@Miamonthly I had similar thoughts when my child was small! Thought how fabulous would it be to have a supervised soft play session you just check your child in for in a soundproofed area (🤣) with a big (soundproofed) window from it looking into a very grown up luxurious softly lit bar/brasserie type place attached for the parents to hang out and drink cocktails and/or have a really nice meal with your friends while your kids are in soft play! So you can see them every now and again without having to hear them or supervise them haha.

Instead of sitting at shitty wobbly school cafeteria type tables and chairs under fluorescent strip lighting in a cold hall surrounded by screaming children and drinking diluted juice and instant coffee etc!

I never thought of a spa but but that would be totally awesome too. I swear there is a successful business model in this somewhere!

Loooooooollll. FTM here currently on Mat leave:
“gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day” - if you have a baby happy to be cuddled, not one that squirms and throws themself around in boredom 24/7
”able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy” - yes, because going anywhere busy with a screaming baby is too traumatic, so you are limited to weekdays where you can more easily navigate public spaces on your own
”sit as long as you want,” yes… well for a the 20 min cat nap your baby may or may not have, whilst keeping an eye on the time because you know they are due a feed or a nap they are fighting that if they miss means you may as well not even bother trying to sleep tonight because you’re going to have an overtired, overstimulated baby. Or you are stuck because you know a feed is coming and if you chance it and get even a slight bit of traffic you are going to be stuck in a tin can with a screaming baby you are unable to console whilst driving.
”chat to friend” yes, if you can have a conversation over a fussing or squealing baby, and because all your friends are on Mat leave at exactly the same time.
”cuddle baby, eat cake“ these are literally impossible at the same time unless you get very good at eating with one hand and your baby is somehow docile.

Here’s the reality:
going midweek to cafes carefully selected based on their changing facilities because a lot of cafes have the most stupidly tiny changing table, covered in literal crap, with a spotlight shining directly into baby’s eyes, making them scream and wriggle and generally make the whole change a highly emotional and traumatic experience for you both (and what’s with the lack of hooks on doors in changing facilities?!?)
But it’s okay because you’re with your “friends” like Sally from NCT, or that baby class you hate going to but if you don’t go you feel like you are somehow failing your child or not being sociable enough, who spends all day bragging about all the milestones her baby is reaching whilst yours sits there hitting themself in the face repeatedly with a teether toy, and how Sally’s baby has slept through from week 1, whilst you’re barely functioning on 3 hours sleep at night and that coffee at this cafe is the only thing keeping you fueled… but wait, it’s now stone cold…. But it’s better that way really because drinking a hot drink with your baby on your lap gives you tremendous anxiety, just one of the many new and unexpected anxieties that creep up post birth.
£4 for that cold coffee you say? That’s okay whilst on maternity leave on a tiny fraction of your usually salary, right? Because your partner is funding you with the triple pay rise he’s suddenly received….?!?! Well… babies are cheap after all… oh, wait, no.
I’m so pleased I can sit here all day with a woman I can barely tolerate, sipping coffee I can’t afford, it’s such good fun I’ve just spilled coffee on myself… oh no, it’s just another nappy blowout and I can’t wait to go to barely fit for purpose changing facilities to get my baby cleaned up. Shame I didn’t have enough room in the huge change bag I now carry everywhere for a change of clothes for myself. Or room for anything other than my phone and door keys. Mum only gets a small zip pocket in this oversized bag.

Now for the record, I love my baby and can’t imagine life without her, but I promise you if you have a high needs baby it is HARD. I hate my job but I am looking forward to going back just for a break and conversations that aren’t all about the baby, and then I get the mum guilt for feeling that way as well, so really… no. It’s not what you think it is. A support network makes the world of difference, but it’s never easy.

@Omma23

I’m so pleased I can sit here all day with a woman I can barely tolerate, sipping coffee I can’t afford

👌😂😂😂

@Britneyfan

I pictured a reception area where nice caring, qualified people would take the baby off to bounce about and throw balls, blow bubbles etc.

Meanwhile I would be guided in to get a wash and blow dry, nails done, maybe even a massage… Bliss

They used to have a softplay where you could dump kids in Spur restaurants while watching them on cctv, though being a chain it wasn’t that nice really.

With a sense of hope I just looked them up…. They ceased operations in 2016… that is how out little I am out 🤣🤣

The start is ridiculously hard, a baby that needs feeding every 2 hours and sometimes it’s an hour grazing on your boob till they are raw. Even bottle feeding there’s cleaning and sterilising all on about 3 hours sleep. If you have more than one child it’s absolutely exhausting on top of all the other household jobs.
I’m lucky and get 6 months full pay and then Statutory Maternity Pay so financially it’s fine for us but that is a very generous pay offer. I know I am very lucky to get that.
First baby was a dream but 8 months of my maternity leave was in Covid so it was wasted time really. Hopefully this time round (baby is 3 weeks) it will be more social!

I can understand that it look’s idyllic, there are times it is beautiful but don’t forget those Mum’s are hiding a multitude of hormones, pain both physically and mentally and a lot of anxiety. It’s by far the most difficult thing I’ll ever do.

Yanbu. Babies are hard work, but I loved having a year off work each time to raise them.

So you became essentially a martyr to being a mummy when you could have given a bottle of formula or expressed milk to your partner/DH in order for you to have a break. All I can read is someone saying she thought maternity leave was a doss therefore just expressing her opinion of her maternity leave. You sound like you just made life harder for yourself. You could have had fun on your maternity leave if you wanted to. Going for a haircut or meet up with a friend leaving baby with it's dad. Good on the other poster for doing fun things. I couldn't afford it. 🤣

@ginandtonicwithlimes

Firstly, I was advised personally to breastfeed - aside from all the usual health advice - because I have a history of severe endometriosis and keeping my body in a prolonged state where I had no periods was the best for my health. Secondly, there is a history of uterine/breast cancer and autoimmune disease in my family and so this was another factor that influenced my decision for me and babies.

I wanted and needed to breastfeed.

I am presuming you have never breastfed? Which means you wouldn’t realise that trying to introduce a bottle or formula to a breastfed baby can be difficult and cause problems. As can even occasional combi feeding or trying to express in the first few months. It can totally muck up your supply.

I did express from 4 months and left baby with Dad and other relatives to enable me to see friends, get hair done that sort of thing, even had a mini break with the girls.

But I felt justified in doing that as I had worked hard in the early months and I needed some recuperation from the exertions of a complicated birth and breast feeding.

Maternity/paternity leave is not meant to be a holiday for the mother/father to have fun.

The person - father or mother - is getting the time off work to focus on and look after the baby. That is what it is for. Not dossing.

I am aware of that it is difficult and you need to try to introduce it early in order for them to take it but still many make it work. American woman have to.

Personally I think the early months are hard and if a parent or both can find the chance to have some fun why not? Personally my first maternity was spent going to baby groups, tidying the house and watching TV and drinking tea. I get from your posts that because you worked hard with bf you can deserve the fun but not the bottle feeding mum. Weird.

@ginandtonicwithlimes

For a bottle feeder they have the ability to drop the baby and run straight after the get home from the hospital - if they want to and have sufficient family support.

With a breast feeder you have to feed continuously even when you’ve had a caesarean or major vaginal tear, no matter what, you are on for the job.

So yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.

With my first baby I was frankly bombarded from my child was 3 days old by DH family to “take the baby” (all bottle feeders).

At 3wks I was exhausted and fed up of being bullied. I expressed 2 ounces. After rejection of avent, baby took the medela bottle. Baby gobbled it at lightning speed. Choked and turned blue. It was terrifying. Thankfully they were ok (never used medela bottles again - fyi anyone reading Mam were excellent for the transition to combi feeding at 6m, more like a breast, slower flow).

So it isn’t just difficult in terms of the baby rejecting bottles, formulas or developing constipation and gastric problems. It can be dangerous.

Honestly, if you have not breast fed you have zero clue what you are on about. It’s like a virgin thinking they know about sex or a man thinking he knows about periods.

I never listened to my bottle feeder relatives ever again.

At 6wks I went to la leche meetings with actual experts and breast feeders. Within 24 hours of being at the first meeting all of the issues I had with bf disappeared. Because I had got help and support from people who were experienced.

That is what women need.

You will have millions on here telling you how tough maternity leave is but, in reality, you are right. I have done it twice (I admit, first was easier than second because I only had one child to take care of) and each time it was much easier than work. Not always more enjoyable (although mostly), but certainly easier. And again, people will tell you there is no time for cooking, cleaning or fun if you are taking the best possible care of baby, but that’s nonsense too. Sorry!

Because all babies are exactly the same and all work is the same too.

Ohhh OK @Miamonthly so I don't deserve to enjoy any of raising my child because I didn't breastfeed. Got it. Glad you finally admitted that, hope it makes you feel better to try kick others in this way.

Ps, how selfish of you to breastfeed despite the negative impact on your mental health, just because it made your endometriosis better! You're meant to JuSt Do ThInGs FoR the BaBy you know... (sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear- but how hypocritical of you to attack a parent for doing the best they could for their child, then come out with that!)

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

…. No what I said was that breastfeeding mothers need a bit more tlc after the early months because it is physically and psychologically more demanding and requires substantial metabolic effort.

Of course everyone needs fun and a balance, but maternity/paternity is primarily to meet the needs of the child.

With regard to my endometriosis. It has invaded into my bladder and bowel. If I hadn’t had a pregnancy and breast feeding at that time I would have ended up with a colostomy for life.

But how selfish of me!! 🙄

Me needing major surgery, bowel resection and a colostomy would have really impacted my child’s well-being so I wanted to avoid that for all of us.

Not to mention

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

that if I get uterine, ovarian or breast cancer and die in later life that is going to be pretty shit for my children… so again I wanted to breast feed as a preventative measure against that as it runs in the family.

Here’s what I said across the two posts.

I did express from 4 months and left baby with Dad and other relatives to enable me to see friends, get hair done that sort of thing, even had a mini break with the girls.

But I felt justified in doing that as I had worked hard in the early months and I needed some recuperation from the exertions of a complicated birth and breast feeding.

Yes I do think bf Mum’s deserve a bit more pampering, particularly around the 4 month mark because they have been working physically and psychologically much harder. They are producing milk - it is a lot of metabolic effort on its own.

Breast feeding Mums do need a bit more pampering and tlc after the first few months because of the impact on their bodies. Just like a woman who has grown a baby and birthed it needs pampering. It is physiologically demanding.

Not to do with them deserving it more than formula feeders. It’s physiologically draining and recuperation is needed.

For some women it is lovely and everything that you dream of. For others (like me) it’s awful. I have enjoyed work a million times more since going back after maternity leave and will never take the sense of achievement, independence and mental stimulation it gives me for granted again. I also love being a mum and cherish every minute I have with DD now (mostly!). But mat leave was a soul destroying, spirit crushing, mental health shattering hell for me.

@Miamonthly your attitude to formula feeding mothers stinks. You’re MORE deserving because you breastfed? Formula feeding mums can run as soon as they give birth?

Total bullshit.

I expressed for hours every day for months for my first child. I couldn’t medically breastfeed. The pressure to try to get blood from that stone sank me into depression and took me away from my baby. It was NOT best for either of us. The fear of the same pressure and physical and psychological pain contributed to my perinatal depression and suicidal thoughts this time around. That’s is the impact of the hierarchy of mothers that people like you are trying to impose.

A woman who breastfeeds is not better than me and doesn’t deserve more or less love and support than me. You have no idea what is going on with someone else after birth, physically or mentally.

I’m so sorry that breastfeeding was so painful for you and that you struggled to get support, and that you felt pressured to bottle feed - and I admire you for pressing ahead with what you considered best, with medical advice, for your baby, despite the pain. I think what you did, feeding your baby from your own body, is amazing.

Why can’t you too lift other women up rather than tear them down?

Ps. I will almost certainly get cancer. If I don’t, it’ll be a genetic miracle. Something like 1 in 2 women will.

@AngryBirdsNoMore

This has all stemmed from the fact that one poster termed maternity as a doss.

Which I took offence to as it certainly wasn’t for me. Nor is it for any mother who is producing milk for her baby - yourself included in that. It is exhausting and psychologically and physically demanding.

Of course women who have gone through that physiological process are going to need recuperation from it by comparison to someone who has shared bottle feeding duties.

It isn’t tearing anyone down. It’s factual.

Jeez. Can we just come to the conclusion that there is no normal maternity leave. Some people love it. Some don't. A lot of it is to do with the baby you get. A lot if it is to do with you, what makes you happy and how compatible that is with being a full time carer for a baby. Plus what support you have and how financially secure you are.

I think people who are very organised tend to struggle a bit more as you can't control a baby or the way it comes out. But not always the case.

I personally loved maternity leave. The first one was very Hard at first but eventually I thrived on it. Aside from the small being to care for, I found it liberating. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to be at work. I had a very stressful high pressured job and I was just a joy to only have to worry about the baby. My second mat leave was idyllic. But my daughter was more like s dolll than a baby. She slept amazingly and I got a lot of lovely naps.

Shame on you on here who managed to turn this into s breastfeeding battle. @Miamonthly. You clearly had awful support for breastfeeding. So call that out rather than looking down your nose at people who had an easier time (some of whom will have breastfed, pumped and shared feeds or found breastfeeding easy)

You NO IDEA how exhausting it is for people for other reasons. Some may not have partners, relationship issues , have had a very traumatic birth, have pnd, have babies that wake up every hour just for shits and giggles ( my son did this frequently ).