To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

I wish that's how it was but it really, really wasn't for me!

More like this -

• baby stops growing towards end of pregnancy, emergency caesarean, bad infection, time in NICU, 10 days in hospital no visitors allowed (even DH).
• No visitors allowed to house to welcome baby, terrible silent reflux, baby screams through first 5 months
• 6-11 months Baby needs constant stimulation or is constantly wingeing, will only sleep on me during the day in absolute silence, really needs sleep or is constantly wingeing, wakes up anything from 3-7 times a night, taking a shower or eating is hard. Cafes open up again half way through mat leave but baby only happy in one place for about 30 seconds at a time otherwise constant wingeing.
• 11 months - baby miraculously will fall asleep for a nap in pushchair and be parked up inside and stay asleep.
• 11.5 months baby learns to walk and cheers up a a hell of alot and is fun to be around, just in time for me to be back at work.

Yes it is blissful. It can also feel draining with long days wonderin what to do next to entertain your child, and then not much time off at night. But I still love it.

If you wanted to campaign for puppy maternity leave or something I'd completely back you up.

My first baby was the most unsettled baby I've come across tbh. He's still a needy little soul now actually, but it's easier now he's older. He's an absolutely perfect gorgeous human but, my god, that first 7 or 8 months was rough. Between us we put several of my friends off having children there weren't many lovely peaceful cafe trips, put it that way.

Second baby is an absolute dream in comparison, and our day to day life is much more similar to the idealised image you've got. Still hard work though!

I used think the same as you, but now I'm 6 months deep into maternity leave, I'm very much looking forward to going back to work 😬

You'll get loads telling how hard and awful it is, but for me it was a lot like you describe. Yes, there were tough days, and boring days and days with little sleep, but the break from work stress was so welcome and I really enjoyed both of my maternity leaves. I met lots of new people, went to lots of activities and hung out with my babies. The second time round was probably tougher, because I was trying to entertain an extremely difficult toddler as well, but it was still far less stressful than working!

My god no. I take it you’ve never really experienced sleep deprivation. Or totally lacked any time to yourself. It’s absolutely gruelling.

My eldest was very unwell as a baby and had a month in which she basically didn’t sleep at all unless being pushed in a pram. I have huge chunks of memory missing from that time.

Even without that, it is very hard work.

Some lovely bits but also....
Sleep deprivation
Birth trauma
Post partem pain/bleeding/mastitis
Colicky baby
PND and or anxiety
Difficulty breast feeding
Covered in vomit, poo with barely time to have a shower
Not recognising yourself in the mirror
Being touched out

I could go on and on

Dont get me wrong, it was worth it and there were some wonderful times bit it was NOT idyllic, most of the time I had no idea what I was doing and went back to work for a break. Thats the honest truth.

I think lots of people have many different experiences but yes, I loved my maternity leave.

It wasn't all cafes and walks though - in fact about 1/3 of mine was during lockdown. It was the 121 time with my baby that I loved.

It was really, really intense though - I probably cried most days. Its incredible highs but feeling utterly overwhelmed most of the time.

I'm on mat leave. I enjoy being with my baby, but I don't get time to really do anything other than actively look after my baby (same with my first). Good days are as they can look to OP. But other days you're stuck indoors, exhausted and touched out.

It was the same with my oldest.

I think it would be more fun having time off when they are toddlers - but we can't afford that. I found when I tried parttije I still ended up doing full-time work, but for part time wages.

Some people will tell you it's horrible, tiring, hard work etc. My friend always says she loved every minute of her maternity leave and it was the best time of her life.
I'm starting mine in a few weeks so I guess I'll wait and see!

No no no no no. I much prefer work, at work I manage my own time and I FINISH at the end of the day

Am currently on mat leave and it's a long hard slog. Days merge into one and it's a long repetitive wheel of walks, clockwatching, feeds, nappy changes, broken sleep, housework against the countdown clock (will baby stay calm or kick off?!) and never getting a moment to myself. I miss and long for the lazy afternoons watching Netflix I used to have, my baby will sit still for all of ten minutes before squirming and crying

Weekends aren't much easier, when DH is home and you still can't really do anything fun. Next thing you know it's Monday again and he's gone back to work and you're back to the start of the cycle. Rinse and repeat

This. First year with baby is exhausting the days are extremely long without much structure and often lonely and so tiring. I totally lost myself it was really really hard actually.

Do you not know anyone who’s had a child, ever, OP? Surely someone has given you some hint of life of maternity leave not being the maternal equivalent of those photos of women laughing to themselves over delicious salads?

Personally, I went back to work early, and only have one child by choice. Not my favourite period.

Lol. Yeah, no.
i have to say - with my demanding job - I absolutely love my second mat leave because working at that level with a very young child almost drove me to the brink, but “childless life with a demanding job” was an absolute walk in the park compared to either mat leaves (let alone “demanding job with a toddler”, or “demanding job with 2 young kids” I expect)

I did not enjoy my first two maternity leaves but I love children so had one more. To be honest, up until she was born I secretly thought I'd have a fourth and final child but her birth and subsequent NICU stay were so horrific that no amount of therapy would make me want another. However, I am absolutely loving this maternity leave with my baby and trying to figure out how I can get the most time at home possible with her. I can honestly say that every day is like a dream (even the boring bits).

I am sorry that you aren't sure if you will be able to carry a child. That doesn't mean you can't have a family x

Laughing here ...I've friends that cried every single day of maternity leave before returning to work early. Everyone is different. The ones you see walking to a cafe...it might be the only time they get that that week. Saying that I had an easy baby who slept etc but I didn't visit cafes as no money. The toddler years were harder.....

No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does)

Even with the acknowledgement the comment about husbands funding things is weird and way off. Many women have maternity pay that they secure as part of their work, and any time taken outside of what is covered will have been saved for (sometimes by the family, sometimes by the woman alone). My partner did not "fund" the time that I took off work to look after our child. My work covered most, and the rest we jointly invested out resources in a way that met the needs of the whole family.

But in general, actually, yes it can be very nice. It isn't relaxing but it's nice not to do the same job and have a new experience, I guess. I find that once work resumes after the first year though, and baby still requires all of your energy and resources, things get much tougher.

I thought I would get really good at baking bread and get improve on my Italian skills.

When I was out pushing a pram it was usually because I had spent most of the morning crying and had to get out the house before I went mad.

There were lovely bits obviously, and I did sometimes meet a friend for coffee if they happened to have a day off work. But nothing about maternity leave felt like a holiday.

Also lots of people can’t afford cafes or going out much

Raising pre-schoolers was the most stressful time in my life, and I teach in a secondary school.

I am very sorry that you may not be able to have children ,OP if that is what you want.

My mat leave was a mixed bag - DD didn't sleep longer than 45mins at a time until she was 20 months old. Strolls in the park and coffees in nice cafes were normally when my friends supported me in the depths of exhaustion and pp depression. But they were merely a fraction of my week. I was also so on edge all the time that I'd have spent the coffee stressing that she would cry/fuss.
A friend of mine had no company on mat leave and says it was miserable. I think it probably depends on a lot of factors - finances, an easygoing baby who sleeps reasonably well, friends also on mat leave or week days off work etc.

I’ve just finished my first and like some others, it’s been the happiest time of my life. Baby care is enjoyable for me and much preferable to my long hours stressful job! Can’t wait to have another if I am lucky enough.

it’s absolutely not without its challenges though! Including 6.5 months without a single night of sleep 😵‍💫 I have a very good baby and had a straightforward birth - it varies massively for people.

I’m really sorry you can’t have children.

I imagine for most women it’s a mixture. I had some lovely days but was also driven into depression and anxiety by a baby that never slept.

But there were lovely times as well.

I enjoyed my time with my baby away from work, but just to illustrate... doesn't everyone's life look better when you see them in a cafe? When I see nicely dressed women in the cafe with their expensive laptops open working on some fancy project while sipping flat whites and nibbling on a croissant, I think "well that lifestyle looks idyllic". I'm sure the same women look less enviable when it's 11pm and they're sat at the kitchen table in their PJs still working hard.

Looking after a baby is like that too. Looks lovely at 11am in the cafe with friends and cake. And it is! But when 11pm rolls around that mum is at home awake still looking after her baby.

Actually, mine was pretty much like that and it was totally idyllic. DS was a spectacularly easy baby though.