To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

Silky hair hahaha

Mine was nothing like this. Lots of pushing a buggy, spending hours in the park, constantly soothing a crying baby, watching cocomelon or blippi, no sleeping also trying to keep a small human alive who desperately just wants to dive off furniture or find sharp objects. They look cute though 😃

Hahahahahaaaasahaaaaaaahaaaaa (quietly cries to herself)……..

oh dear god. Maternity leave was probably the key factor in the post natal depression I’m still dealing with. My job was very stressful but I couldn’t wait to go back - the lack of sleep, not knowing if I was doing a good job as mother, the loneliness when you’re on your own, the loneliness when you’re with others (those mums you’re seeing in cafes are having very superficial conversations about their babies I wager), the resentment towards husband, the isolation, the torturous exhaustion (mentioned twice because I’ve never known anything like it) and the poor maternity pay were just a few of the things that made me desperate for my old life.

You’re making the mistake of viewing maternity leave as a holiday and a break from work - if you go into it with that mindset you’re setting yourself up to fail. It is constant work (and you’re barely getting paid for it). Those mums in cafes will then be going back to an empty house for hours on end until partner comes home.

I cannot stress how wrong you have got this.

I used to think like this very much so, especially in periods where I've hated my job. I would long for the days of maternity leave, to not have to think about work and have a long break for a 'legitimate' reason. There are not very many opportunities in life where you can have a long period off work and know your job will be there when you return.

But in happier jobs I haven't felt this jealousy quite so much. I am sure many people enjoy maternity leave but it probably isn't rosey for everyone, especially if you only get SMP. Some people also suffer from loneliness or boredom if they don't have a support network. And if you have a difficult baby who won't sleep it wouldn't be much fun.

I do think maternity leave is probably much nicer if you have the baby early in the year and then get the summer on ML. Having a baby in august/September probably isn't as good as you have the crap winter months, and if you are only taking 9 months off you will be back at work just as the weather gets nice again.

My baby has just turned 6 months and it only feels now that I feel back to normal mentally and physically. It’s not all coffee and cakes. Up all night and then trying to function in the day, bottle sleep weaning schedule. Baby groups where you compare yourself to every mum there. Mum guilt is real. Earning SMP, so everything’s tight. If you choose to do all the ironing and the housework you then feel bad for leaving baby in Bouncer watching postman Pat between naps. If you do go out for coffee and cake, an hour at baby group and then play with child at home, you feel like a bad wife when husband walks in from work and washing basket is over flowing, ironing pile taking over spare room, and dinner has not been made.

I think if you have a baby who sleeps well and has no health concerns or special needs, and large savings or an affluent partner, and no other kids, and friends who are also on mat leave/not working and you didn’t have post natal depression or birth PTSD or physical trauma, then it can be as idyllic as you imagine. My second maternity leave was the best year of my adult life by far. Have you considered a sabbatical?

Yes, it's good now.

I had 18 weeks mat leave, compulsory 11/12 weeks pre-eta. Most was at half-pay. I returned F/T when DS was 6 weeks old. This was with a very enlightened employer.

I get a bit cross when I see parents complaining about current pay & conditions.

Yes, I put my babies long term wellbeing first. Actual research, using modern formula compositions... the difference is negligible unless the baby is severely deprived in other areas. I don't neglect my child, so formula is just as good for her, as per any research aiming to prove the opposite post 1989. How awful of me.

But @undertherainbow123 that doesn't have to be the case, and definitely shouldn't. If baby groups aren't for you- don't go! If your husband is a shit, either don't marry him, or tell him to buck up or get out. We can't continue to encourage this beat down of women!

I got really fed up and I’m being honest. It’s not all play dates and meeting up for coffee. I had csections so for the first 8 weeks I struggled with mobility and the initial first few weeks after the both births I had to make sure I was up and about enough to take care of my boys because hubby went back to work. First child never slept, second child had colic. I craved social interaction from my work mates and really hated the isolation because my mates didn’t have kids and didn’t like kids so I became the outsider and never asked to go out or go anywhere. I felt really isolated and I was exhausted the first time. I didn’t take to baby groups at all and bust a gut trying to be the best mother and wife until i went back to work. I found solace in long dog and buggy walks. Second child was much easier despite the colic and a friend had a baby weeks after me so we went to a baby music group. Had longer off and felt more in control. Love my kids to pieces and wouldn’t have it any other way. Hated maternity leave in general, especially the pay!

It's exactly like that, but you missed the part where you hire a nanny that takes the baby to jump in and out of street drawings with a cocney chimney sweep. 🤣

Seriously though, I was very lucky that my first born was an amazingly good baby, unfortunately I suffered with depression and was unable to fully appreciate that at the time. I was also completely isolated, with practically no friends and family.

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

As far as I read it you decided to doss at maternity, putting your need to go kayaking, to the spa and have cocktails first.

I applaud you, really I do, I would have loved to have a year off doing all that.

Please don’t come on telling mothers maternity is a doss when the only reason it was for you is that you chose to not take part in a huge part of it - lactation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3586783/

Breast feeding is the advised mode of nutrition for the above reasons. Everyone has a choice and you made the right decision for you. But it isn’t what is medically advised.

@Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234567890

It's exactly like that, but you missed the part where you hire a nanny that takes the baby to jump in and out of street drawings with a cocney chimney sweep. 🤣

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My mat leave wasn’t perfect but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had a group i met every other week, but I mostly spent it alone with my baby and I loved it. I started a little passion project while she slept. I’m pg with my 2nd and don’t think I’ll be so lucky.
I think I enjoyed mine because I had a difficult pregnancy and anything was better than that.
Sorry you may never have any, there are always pros and cons to every situation 💐

Good heavens, get off your high horse.

Feeding one’s child is a very important part of parenthood, I think we can all agree on that. We’re far beyond the notion that infants can only thrive if feeding from the breast though so, kindly, bore off. You’re not a martyr for breastfeeding, and mothers who choose formula (for whatever reason) aren’t failures, nor are they taking the easy route.

Stop making the thread about you.

@HalbusHumbledore

PP stated maternity was a doss and that they were able to go off on hol, kayak, go have cocktails, to the spa etc

The only conceivable way this is possible - to the extent detailed - is if you hand the baby off to someone else to feed.

To come on here saying it’s a doss, to women like me who did persevere and did dedicate themselves to being the primary caregiver… I just find it really insulting to be honest.

It was really hard work. And my DH worked 12hr shifts up to 6 days a week to get us through the maternity period…. No floating about on a 4 day week.

It would have been helpful if PP had some modicum of sensitivity and tact.

I’ve not had a full nights sleep on 9years and I only have two children! Those mums in the park with their lovely little babies are zombie mums who have probably been walking none stop for hours on end in case the motion wakes the baby!

I’m almost 6 months into my second maternity leave, and today managed to have my first “off duty” cup of tea since baby was born. When I went back to work after having my first, it felt like a break. I think that’s what it will feel like this time too! It is full on. My husband does pretty much all the cooking and cleaning now as well as his full time
job because I struggle to have time to do anything without baby going nuts. He’s of course tired from doing all of that, so he takes a day off work every now and then to have a break, which I appreciate he needs, but when do I get my break? You’re on duty/on call 24/7. It’s exhausting. Maybe it’s a breastfeeding thing. I have a friend whose baby was born the same day as my second and hers is bottle fed and I am so envious of her life - she has family nearby who she can leave the baby with so she can go out by herself for a few hours, and a husband who can share the night feeds etc

Currently on mat leave with baby #2 and I HATE IT just as much as I did with the first.

Got no other mom friends with babies so it’s lonely/boring/isolating.

If I had the heart to stick him in nursery before the age of 1 I’d be back at work 🤣 My brain needs some activity outside of baby and toddler talk

My Mat leave had odd days like that, where I loved going to the park with my baby or meeting some friends. The cuddles were nice and I did enjoy it on the whole. It definitely wasn’t easy like that every day and I went through some really tough times, no sleep, baby poorly, feeling I had lost myself. I got full pay for 6 weeks and then 90% for a couple of months, it then dropped to about a quarter of my income per month. Partner doesn’t earn loads so we got into debt, I was constantly selling things to make ends meet, so no it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

I'm on my first mat leave now and I love it. Obviously it has its challenging moments, but even a 'bad' day has smiles, laughter & happiness. A 'bad' day now has nothing on a 'bad' day at work IMO. The sleep deprivation can be a killer at times though especially if you're breastfeeding so doing all the feeds!

I get out a lot to various sensory/massage etc classes and there is a local community of women on mat leave who go for walks, coffee etc together with their babies. It does feel pretty idyllic to be honest and I'm dreading the end of it!

@Miamonthly I don't think it's fair to imply that mothers who take time for themselves to visit a spa etc aren't dedicated primary care givers. Taking time for yourself and looking after your mental health put you in a much better position to care for a baby.

I breastfeed and on the odd occasion I've left my baby (actually to go to a spa for a few hours for my birthday or have a meal out with a friend) I spent days pumping alongside feeding so that my partner could feed her when I was gone!

Okok let's get some things straight.
At the same time as taking my baby on nice days out with me, I have been ferrying my mother, who I am a full time carer for due to multiple health issues, to multiple surgeries, hospital stays including intensive care and daily radiotherapy.... because my dad died when I was 22 weeks pregnant, 3 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. My only support in an area I only recently moved to.
So no, I'm not going to apologise that I worked 48 and 72 hour shifts as overtime whilst pregnant, so my husband could, when I was 7 weeks pp, go to working 12 hour shifts 4 days a week instead of the job he had been doing where he was away 74hrs at a time every week.

Like I said... it's awful that a slight possible benefit has led to recommendations, that people like you use to try and claim moral high ground/self esteem points by shaming others for choosing what is best for them and their baby.

I do not palm my baby off on others- the maximum i've been away for her is for 6 hours, on a couple of occasions, in 7 months.

We've dealt with a very difficult, and long (over 14 years, if you include stillbirth and miscarriages) fertility journey, a horrendously difficult pregnancy and birth, and I'll be damned if you're going to make me feel guilty for enjoying having and raising my child, and enjoying that I am lucky enough to be able to take a decent length maternity leave.

After the decade I have had, I am choosing happiness and wellbeing, and that's okay. I hope you can manage the same.

Sorry for your situation if you want DC and been unable to have them so far.

Clearly it’s a mixed bag from posts here, but think it’s rarely like the reality.

Personally one of the worst times of my life for various reasons. My work took on being a break afterwards and has never seemed so bad since.

The only TV I watched was in the middle of the night in pain trying to feed an unsettled baby.

Cafes with people I had nothing in common with, difficult, uncomfortable and expensive.

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

Ok ok let’s just get some things straight…

At the same time as recovering from a caesarean/traumatic birth I managed to care for 2 relatives in their 90s and my mother in her 60s - full time. My mother and grandmother died before my first baby was a year old. Prior to going on maternity I was completing a full time degree and working. I also went through fertility issues, miscarriages and several major surgeries in order to get pregnant.

In short I have had quite the decade too.

I am very sorry for the bereavement you suffered and for the difficult circumstances you encountered.

I realise for your mental health you wanted to focus on enjoyment and spending time with the baby in an unfettered manner and that is entirely your decision and entirely ok.

But please don’t come on and say maternity is a doss - if you are breast feeding is it physiologically and mentally very draining for the first 4months… and some do not have the same level of support or facility to go off and do things without the baby.