To think maternity leave looks lovely

[gillardd]

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV.

It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside.

I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

My first maternity leave was heavenly - I had a happy, sleepy baby and I was on full pay in my good job and jaunted around the place with other mums in the same situation- having lunches, shopping ect…. The subsequent ones were less fun. Toddlers are the worst for ruining your lunches 🤣

i nearly died of stress going back to my full on job and that’s when I realised that I didn’t have it in me to “have it all”. So when the others were small I had a less good job, with no stress and less hours. So there are ups and downs to having kids and I’m sorry that isn’t happening for you.

This is a trolling post, right?

Because they don’t have a choice - they can’t afford the ridiculous cost of putting an infant into full time nursery and don’t have any family who can help.

I loved my first mat leave, which probably isn’t what you need to hear, but I think the reason for it was my baby was much anticipated after a long period of trying, and I hated my job so it was sweet relief to be away from that.

Depending how old the babies are some of the mums you see could be back at work and just be using their one day off a week to socialise a bit?
I went back to work 30 hours a week when my baby was 9 months old.
I was also a single parent obviously not planned and it was really hard, sometimes meeting a friend for a coffee or a mooch around the museums was the only thing keeping me sane and on the right side of a nervous breakdown.
I put on a brave face, made the best of it, did my best for years but I was no means living the high life or taking it easy, I felt guilt that I didn’t get to enjoy him and cuddle him all day.
Dont judge a book by his cover you have no idea what anyone is going through by one look and I think that’s especially true of mothers of young children.

You are absolutely 100% spot on OP but you'll get flamed here because the default MN position is that mat leave is a living Hell on earth for women.

In many (daresay most) cases, women are delighted to get out of the rat race for a year or so, and some never go back.

🙈

I mean I don't mind it. And it's nice staying home for my children (I'm in a country where it's easier to stay home for 3 years per kid and lots of parents do this). But it's not all roses... Yesterday I had to run around doing errands, picking up birthday presents, going to a birthday party which my toddler was invited to with a teething baby who was grumpy...and I had seen every hour the night before due to the second tooth coming through.

What did you expect? 75% of respondents have told you that you are wrong. Some people may have a lovely experience but the vast majority dont. Not only are you blinkered, you're being snarky in your responses

You think wrong. And I’m assuming you don’t have children. When you’ve had a tough pregnancy, a bad birth, episiotomy, forceps, huge blood loss, a long hospital stay, breastfeeding failure, a useless DH, no near family, PND, a breakdown and all in a rented house please feel free to come back to us and tell us how easy you found it

That was to someone who either can’t conceive or for other reasons won’t have children. It was remarkably cruel. It may have been thoughtless rather than intentionally cruel but nonetheless it was an awful thing to say. I would have been far more than snarky if someone had said it to me. It doesn’t surprise me. The infertility board has had to be hidden from active threads on here because of the level of unpleasantness those struggling to conceive had to put up with.

If 75% of women hate maternity leave so much why do so many of those same women become sahm’s or hugely reduce their working hours after having children?

I think - and I don’t want to invalidate or dismiss anyone’s experience - but it is a bit of a MN thing, that if someone says ‘oh that looks really nice or fun or enjoyable’ they have to be quite dramatic in how awful it really was/is.

For me, it was a mixed bag but then I was on maternity leave for eleven months first time and I would expect any period over a few months to have highs and lows. I definitely had bad days (and nights!) but I also had lovely ones.

a) only about 25% of women are SAHMs so that kinda adds up

b) spending some time with your kids is very different to spending all of it with your kids - working 4 days a week like I do is very different to being on maternity leave

c) older children are very different and some women may be happier with that than babies

I absolutely thought mat leave would be idyllic but for some reason it was just very different from what I expected. I had twins but i don't think that was the issue. There was a weird kind of monotony that I didn't expect - my children were very longed for, conceived on a last chance IVF round so I still felt grateful and v lucky but there were times it was just a bit boring - have seen it described as 'intense listlessness'. It's not all coffees and cuddling babies because real life - money worries, making dinner, endless washing etc- still goes on! My job is quite high pressured too so maybe it was just too much of a culture shock? To me the appeal of having children definitely wouldn't be mat leave.

I knew there'd be a hundred mums on here saying their kid didn't sleep for years so mat leave was hell but I actually loved all 4 of my mat leaves, and I'm on it now with DD5!

I wake up early and shower, dress, make up etc and after school runs me and DD do what we like- it is blissful! I manage my time well, DD naps in the bassinet so I'm not stuck to a baby whingeing about how I haven't had time to clean or eat. The house is always clean and tidy, all the children are too.

Babies and children are hard work but some people really make a rod for their own back. It doesn't always have to be misery

I'm a developmental/child psychologist...
Formula feeding was absolutely the right choice for my babies wellbeing, a lot of that due to the reasons you've mentioned!

Good maternal mental health is far more beneficial for baby than the minor potential benefits of breastmilk over formula

Just gone back a few pages of the thread and it's made my heart hurt how much damage and hurt the "breast if best" brigade have done/are doing to women 💔

There is nothing wrong with choosing to formula feed, but you know, quite a lot of women really want to breast feed!

And I’ve had one of those blissful days today. DD slept through last night (I know, I was surprised too!) we woke at 7, dropped DS at nursery, went to baby sensory with those awful mums who only want to talk about their babies - at a baby group, imagine - and then home, put the laundry on and had lunch, then dd fell asleep on me so I’ve been watching Netflix as it rains outside.

I have also had days where I’ve felt like returning both children as faulty goods, it happens.

The beginning of breastfeeding can be pretty tough.. But, after a month or so once you get into the swing of it / confidence to do it anywhere, it makes life so much easier, knowing that you can settle your baby immediately just by popping them on the boob as it solves 99% of problems, being able to feed them to sleep, not having to remember to buy or bring bottles and milk, not worrying that you are over feeding the baby, these things really helped my mental health! I know everyone's experience is different, but there can be a tendency to make out that formula feeding is stressfree and BF is hard work and purely only good for the baby - it's often not the case

I express for DD. It’s the best and worst of both worlds really. But it’s what suits you and your baby. Choice is paramount where feeding it concerned.

Choice is definitely good, but in a country where formula feeding is culturally the norm, and breastfeeding rates one of the lowest in the world, I think it is important to let people know the benefits of breastfeeding (for parents and babies) so they can make an informed choice.

I’m very pro breastfeeding but if someone wants to formula feed I completely understand that.

@Coffeerum

Because it doesn’t pay to go back to work.

If you have the average wage of £33,402 this gives you £26,736.

To put one child in full time child care is £13,000…. Two of them swallows the entire wage.

Yes some will get UC towards childcare but not all, and not enough to warrant running yourself ragged in a full time job while trying to care for small children on top.

Additionally, some find that their employer refuses to offer flexible working or demotes them to a lesser role upon return to work. Which doesn’t cover costs.

In effect many will be financially and psychologically better off not going back to work full time or at all until children are in school.

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

You were very quick to jump in there with your profession.

I have some background in child psychology from Uni but am a biologist so we’ll obviously come at the issue from different standpoints.

You said maternity was an absolute doss

But this was mainly because you didn’t breastfeed, and you were able to pass the baby off to whomever was about. By your own account you had your DH not working a full week and your Mum etc so lots of support.

If you breastfeed and take on the primary responsibility for the child it is a lot harder.

Well I agree with you @NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic it was psychologically and physiologically draining.

But I also am a strong advocate as I studied lactation in mammals and really there is not anything that can replicate human milk - immunologically, or in terms of the composition which changes in composition through time and according to need. Then there’s the fact that human infants can’t break down casein in cow’s milk. Before the health benefits are even considered.

So I agree it was traumatising the first few months as a new mother - mainly because there were no lactation consultants in nhs!! (Health visitors had bottle fed or didn’t have kids so had no clue either. When I went to la leache meeting they gave me proper guidance and after that it was so much better)

So while I respect your choice to focus on your own mental health, holidaying and kayaking. My understanding was that maternity was given to look after the baby, so that was what I was more focused on personally.