Page 19 | To think maternity leave looks lovely

gillardd · 2023-10-16T18:55:33+00:00

I like my job but it’s stressful. I’m probably unable to have children. I see mums with babies in the park pushing their strollers together, or having tea and cake with their babies together at a nice cafe, and it just looks so idyllic. No work stress, husband or partner funding things (if you have one - I acknowledge not everyone does), gorgeous chubby silky haired baby to cuddle all day, able to do things like nice cafes during the middle of weekdays when they’re not busy, sit as long as you want, chat to friend, cuddle baby, eat cake. Then go home, cuddle baby some more, maybe watch some TV. It’s not actually (all) like this, is it? But this is how it looks from the outside. I know some people are going to tell me IABVU.

No1MumPendant · 20/10/2023 23:44

Once I’d recovered from the birth, it was boring as fuck. I was so sleep deprived, though, that going back to work was hideous, too.

Yeah. Peachy.

Blueink · 20/10/2023 23:46

lesserspotted · 19/10/2023 04:59

I cant believe 75% of people are saying YABU!

Maternity leave was the best time of my life

Why are all these people having children if they don't want to spend their time looking after them?

I don't think Mumsnet is representative of the population as a whole - It is somewhere where unhappy mothers turn to, whereas happy mothers just get on with enjoying life.

People who don't enjoy parenting really should not be having children. It is no good for anyone to bring unwanted children children into the world - no good for the children either

Can’t you comprehend people have vastly different circumstances and experiences?

Mumsnet has a lot of representation, why do you expect to always have the majority view or there must be something wrong?

People can struggle on maternity leave for many reasons, it doesn’t mean their DC are unwanted or they hate and will hate being a parent for the rest of their life.

If you are in the 25% can’t you just consider yourself lucky instead of rubbishing the whole site because 75% disagree with you?!

Miamonthly · 20/10/2023 23:50

applesandmares · 20/10/2023 22:20

I'm on my first mat leave now and I love it. Obviously it has its challenging moments, but even a 'bad' day has smiles, laughter & happiness. A 'bad' day now has nothing on a 'bad' day at work IMO. The sleep deprivation can be a killer at times though especially if you're breastfeeding so doing all the feeds!

I get out a lot to various sensory/massage etc classes and there is a local community of women on mat leave who go for walks, coffee etc together with their babies. It does feel pretty idyllic to be honest and I'm dreading the end of it!

@Miamonthly I don't think it's fair to imply that mothers who take time for themselves to visit a spa etc aren't dedicated primary care givers. Taking time for yourself and looking after your mental health put you in a much better position to care for a baby.

I breastfeed and on the odd occasion I've left my baby (actually to go to a spa for a few hours for my birthday or have a meal out with a friend) I spent days pumping alongside feeding so that my partner could feed her when I was gone!

@applesandmares 100% right. However when you are breastfeeding for the first few months until you get your supply up you are essentially trapped - too early to pump, some can’t, some babies won’t take the bottle…

I managed to get out to get a haircut for the first time at nearly 5m in…

Mswest · 20/10/2023 23:51

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Obliv · 20/10/2023 23:54

I had twins one of whom was sick from birth, never left hospital and died when they were 5months. When I was out and about with my other baby you couldn't have known just looking at us how bereft and exhausted and physically wrecked I was. Like most things in life you can't see what trials others might be going through.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 21/10/2023 00:00

Miamonthly · 20/10/2023 20:17

@NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic

As far as I read it you decided to doss at maternity, putting your need to go kayaking, to the spa and have cocktails first.

I applaud you, really I do, I would have loved to have a year off doing all that.

Please don’t come on telling mothers maternity is a doss when the only reason it was for you is that you chose to not take part in a huge part of it - lactation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3586783/

Breast feeding is the advised mode of nutrition for the above reasons. Everyone has a choice and you made the right decision for you. But it isn’t what is medically advised.

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Im not breastfeeding. I found the breast is best insistence incredibly traumatising in my first maternity leave, and for years afterwards, as I couldn’t medically breastfeed. I pumped for 4 hours every day. It was so shit and ruined my mental health and took me away from my baby. I’m not doing it this time.

Im also not ‘dossing’.

I wish women wouldn’t try to make other women feel bad about this. Formula is absolutely fine. My role as a mother is so much more than lactating.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 21/10/2023 00:01

Obliv · 20/10/2023 23:54

I had twins one of whom was sick from birth, never left hospital and died when they were 5months. When I was out and about with my other baby you couldn't have known just looking at us how bereft and exhausted and physically wrecked I was. Like most things in life you can't see what trials others might be going through.

I’m so sorry 💐

AngryBirdsNoMore · 21/10/2023 00:05

Georgyporky · 20/10/2023 19:40

Yes, it's good now.

I had 18 weeks mat leave, compulsory 11/12 weeks pre-eta. Most was at half-pay. I returned F/T when DS was 6 weeks old. This was with a very enlightened employer.

I get a bit cross when I see parents complaining about current pay & conditions.

It isn’t a race to the bottom. Why wouldn’t you be happy that things have improved, and that women continue to push for high standards?

Miamonthly · 21/10/2023 00:12

AngryBirdsNoMore · 21/10/2023 00:00

Im not breastfeeding. I found the breast is best insistence incredibly traumatising in my first maternity leave, and for years afterwards, as I couldn’t medically breastfeed. I pumped for 4 hours every day. It was so shit and ruined my mental health and took me away from my baby. I’m not doing it this time.

Im also not ‘dossing’.

I wish women wouldn’t try to make other women feel bad about this. Formula is absolutely fine. My role as a mother is so much more than lactating.

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@AngryBirdsNoMore

To be clear however anyone chooses to feed their baby is entirely up to them.

Some medically can’t, some can only for a short period, some for 4yrs+, some never do!!

My issue with the PP’s posts were firstly the doss comment which I felt was just so far removed from reality… there I was weeping at 2am with bleeding nipples at my lowest ebb, while another mother is off kayaking!!

And secondly the dismissal of breast milk and the biological benefits which is misinformation.

That’s it. Each to their own.

Mamanyt · 21/10/2023 00:13

Well, to be sure, every baby is different. Some are like that, some are emphatically not. My first was colicy, and had to be held and rocked almost 24 hours a day. I literally slept sitting in a rocking chair, rocking him, for the first three months. No putting him in a stroller, he screamed. So, there's that.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 21/10/2023 00:21

Ilikepinacoladass · 19/10/2023 19:21

I think it's very very hard for people without children to have any idea of what it's like when you do. I did enjoy mat leave and loved being out and about, going for so many walks in nature (thanks COVID - LOL), and being sociable, buttt it was / is incredibly hard work and draining too. I had a friend who was often suggesting things I could do if I was bored on mat leave (ie set up a business, because she had heard a podcast of someone with a baby who did this), and giving weather updates on way to work as if I was just sitting at home with the baby when in reality I'd been at the park since 8.30am trying to get him to sleep (or just for a run around when he was older) as he'd been up since 5am or something ridiculous. I think no matter how much you try and explain 'it's lovely, but so much harder physically and mentally than you'd expect' it just doesn't really go through, and they always will just think deep down that it's all lovely snuggles, coffees, lazing around, buying lovely baby bits, having loads of fun. Someone from work text me when little one was a few weeks old 'i hope you're enjoying the newborn bubble' and I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about - having had a prem baby with reflux and 2 weeks in SCUB plus lockdown, it was mostly a daily struggle! When she had her own baby she said to me it was totally different to what she had thought and so much harder.

Yes! “Newborn bubble” - wtf?!

Zerosleep · 21/10/2023 00:35

Delulu

Serrina · 21/10/2023 00:59

@gillardd are you absolutely certain you are unable to have children? Maybe you should try and have one.

Ryeman · 21/10/2023 07:03

Tbh I can’t think of a single part of it that I look back on fondly.

SnozPoz · 21/10/2023 08:21

I was sick every day for seven months during pregnancy then had a baby that didn't sleep for over a year, I had also moved away from family and friends and around the same time so no... maternity leave for me was nothing like you described. I was exhausted and missed my job and previous lifestyle enormously. Love my child more than anything but everyone's experience is different when it comes to small babies

Mrsmozza123 · 21/10/2023 08:26

Newborn phase no, nothing like this. Days would pass in the blink of an eye and before I knew it it was 4pm and I hadn’t managed a shower or a sandwich. Then the 2 hours of colic crying would commence.
Lockdown baby here, I would meet a friend for a hot chocolate and a walk in the freezing bitter cold and squally winds once a week and that would take my anxiety down from a 10 to a 7.

I did have a month at the end when DS was 9 months old and sleeping though a couple of night a week where I felt human enough to enjoy it.

it’s hard work but you find moments of joy.

If it’s something you yarn for them I am sincerely sorry. I can see how it would look idillic.

Mrsmozza123 · 21/10/2023 08:28

@Serrina OP hasn’t divulged what fertility issues she might be having so I don’t think we should pry.

NellyBarney · 21/10/2023 09:18

My 1st mat leave was only gor 3 weeks, but as dc was autistic, so not cuddly at all and difficult to read/lots of crying/difficult sleeper, I was glad about every moment I could spend back at work (I worked part time for another 3 months before going back ft) because I had no idea what I was/should be doing, as parent advice and gut instinct fidn't work with autism and at the time I had no idea what eas going on. With dc2 I had 3 months mat leave and it was the best time ever. Happy baby, I did lots with dd1, taking her out most days to farm parks, theme parks, ceramic painting, national trust and to cafes and restaurants and dc2 just happily tagged along. I could have easily done this for ever.

NellyBarney · 21/10/2023 09:21

I was in my 40s when I had dc2, following many years of envying mums on mat leave. I was so shocked and felt horrible when I finally had dc1 and it was unimaginable hard. But dc2 was so much easier, maybe that was because he didn't have ASD, or simply because he was the second. I hope you get to experience mat leave, op. Good luck.

stockpilingallthecheese · 21/10/2023 11:35

I quite enjoyed mine but only because it was relatively short (6 months) and I had family to come and help out, a very supportive husband and friends who were also off on mat leave. I tried to get out and about as much as possible as felt very low being in the house so that's possibly why you see so many people out! I wouldn't have wanted to do any longer than I did and couldn't have afforded to on statutory anyway!

The first couple of months were less fun as physically I was recovering from a rough birth, your body is leaking from every orifice, you're tired as anything and you don't get anything back from this tiny, demanding little thing. The second half was much more enjoyable as felt far more like myself and baby was very cute and fun to be around.

MrsAnon6 · 21/10/2023 11:53

I personally hated maternity leave. I was always tired and it was lonely as it was often too much effort to go out due to all the stuff I needed to take and because I was tired from no sleep and still recovering from an emergency c-section. I also found it stressful as it was just when the cost of living rocketed and I was always worried about money. I also didn't have the confidence to go to baby groups and try and make parent friends so was quite isolated. I did have PND though so may have a more negative opinion than others.

Wobblebumbelly · 21/10/2023 13:34

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 🤣

I used to think having a baby would be the best thing ever and so easy, I love kids and always had the best times with my friends babies.... Probably because you see a brief glimpse and can always pass baby back.

First few months it's a constant cycle of feeding, burping, nappy changes and brief sleeps that aren't really long enough for you to do anything productive. After those few months it gets slightly better (less frequent feeds and changes) but they sleep less. Then they start moving about and you need eyes in the back of your head! If you have an "easy" baby you might be able to sit in a coffee shop but if you are lucky you'll have one like mine who screams as soon as you stop moving ... Honestly it's never ending and bloody exhausting unless you are extremely lucky and have a baby who is a breeze (I'm sure they're a myth!!)

And to say it is "paid" by maternity pay or partner is a very naïve view. If you are lucky to receive enhanced maternity pay you still receive less than you would if you are at work and you don't get to put baby in a box at the enad of your 8hr shift, it is 24/7 so effectively the other 16 hrs are definitely unpaid. If you are being financially supported by a partner great but you still lose a wage for the household.

I probably have a skewed view as my little one was born just before the first lockdown which made it really isolated and I've found it really hard to be honest.

Just realised this looks like a total rant, sorry!

Mesoavocado · 21/10/2023 13:43

Maternity leave was the most soul destroying time of my life. Thankfully I only survived after finding similarly minded women who also struggled coping.

We now meet up without kids (they are now >10) for long dinners and drinks. Best side effect of maternity leave 😅

KimberleyClark · 21/10/2023 13:58

Serrina · 21/10/2023 00:59

@gillardd are you absolutely certain you are unable to have children? Maybe you should try and have one.

How do you know she isn’t trying or has tried? What a nasty comment.

Susandorothy22 · 21/10/2023 14:33

Same here, but I do realise that I was SO lucky!
Also, would have done it again, too old now.