To tell this girl to go away

[amidsummernightsdream]

More a wwyd

My dd (2.5) and I attend an activity once a week and have done for over a year and my dd loves it.

Recently there has been a new starter who is very disruptive of the class and spoiling my dd, and in turn, my enjoyment of it.

Behaviour mainly includes running around the class at inappropriate times and going over to the other children when she should be sat with parent. Because of nature of activity, this is disruptive. Teacher does pick up on this and guides child back to parent but still disruptive.

I’ve put up with it for a few weeks but we’ve had a temporary teacher and today she actually hit another child.

On top of this she is continually coming over to my dd (when she is trying to get on with activity) pulling at hair, clothes and toys. This starts as soon as she enters the class.

My daughter has mentioned as we were going in today- will X be there, I don’t want X to touch my hair

Where I was trying to be friendly previously, I just dont want this girl near my little one.

AIBU to tell this girl to go away? And if I’m not how do I word/ tone it in an appropriate way

Feel for you.
the other day a little girl probably aged 3 or so repeatedly snatched toys out of my DS hand. My ds is nearly 2 and wasnt bothered and was taking it like a champ. After snatch 4/5 he was starting to get grizzly with her… then when she pushed him over I lost it. I VERY loudly said to the child (the mum was nearby gossiping with I can only assume her own mum) I said ‘okay that’s enough now don’t you think’ and finally the mum cake over. I was raging. The woman is lucky I don’t like causing a scene and she said nothing to me I think she finally realised what was going on

@Mumwhodraws im not sure if you have read my previous replies but the point is the behaviour isnt being disciplined. As ive explained no other kids in the class behave like this, so it’s really not the norm. I’m not oblivious to how 2 years old behave.

My daughter loves the class, so the solution isnt for us to leave but thanks for your input

I think its tricky to assess without observing the class dynamic. It may be an awful parent or it may be a child who obviously needs some extra support. Either way, it's the parents problems.

I am taking your word OP that the child is unreasonably disruptive though, rather than a toddler who is just excitable.

Thr only thing is, it sounds a little exclusive and exclusionary ( the class ). Surely one of the reasons sessions are attended is to help children learn and socialise. Although, doesn't sound like the parent is facilitating that so ... don't know.

Good luck next week!

@CharityShopHorde my daughter goes to the class to dance, clap sing and yes socialise

She doesnt go to be hit or touched when she doesnt want to be

I’m not sure how that makes the class exclusive or exclusionary?

Just speak in a friendly child way and say “oh kind hands” or “please don’t touch X, she doesn’t like it. Why don’t you head back to your mummy?”

The other thing is to turn round to the mum and say (nicely) “would you mind coming to take your little one?”. She will the. Get off rut backside and come to you and say “she’s just a bit handshake and I can see it maybe ending in tears”

There was a child who attended a group we went to when my 2nd DS was little who was similar. I ended up snapping one day and told the mum that she really shouldn’t have her son around other children if she couldn’t be bothered parenting properly. She looked mortified and tried the whole “he is just spirited” thing but others then spoke up and said it was too much. She never came back. I just think that her approach was setting him up for hassle later in life as he would be the child no-one wanted to play with.

Move your own daughter away so she is not in reach. I wouldn’t tell the child to go away.

You should talk to the teacher but she is possibly just as perplexed and annoyed and doing her best.
The best outcome would be for the child's mother to cotton on to what is appropriate behaviour.

She should control her child every time she touches another child, makes loud distractions or runs inside.
I would approach the mother and say that you notice that she is having difficulty in coaxing her child to behave appropriately. Tell a white lie and suggest that your child wasn't always as well behaved but you make sure that she does not distract other children.

Ask her to please enforce her child not touching your daughter as it is making her anxious. Suggest that every time her child runs she could try removing her from the classroom until she agrees to walk and quietly join in.

I would absolutely have that conversation as what is there to lose? I would also ask positively for her to come and collect her child every time she is in your daughter's face.
You can't wait for the majority of the children to not wish to be there in the class.

@amidsummernightsdream i understand where you’re coming from! My 2 year old DD does ballet class too and the majorirty do listen to the teacher and copy what she’s doing. Mine LOVES dancing so sometimes she’ll dance in the middle of the circle for a minute or two but she’s never going up to people as she’s too busy enjoying herself. I. would say that the child is really bored and probably not that into it but the mum wants her to?

second what the others say about saying loudly that ‘DD is listening so you should to! Back to mummy!’

I'm really surprised no one has suggested teaching your daughter to use her words too. When my children were this age, nursery had already taught them to say "stop it, I don't like it" if another child was bothering them. It's one of the most important thing you can teach your daughter--to set her OWN boundaries.

This would be my two year old DS. Very envious of parents with the compliant, sit down and listen to instructions, type of toddlers. I think a lot of it can be down to where they are with the understanding of language. My DS has a speech delay so he won’t sit down and listen to stories or instructions because it’s boring to him and he doesn’t understand what’s being said. This class would be my worst nightmare, any enforcing of sit down and listen inevitably leads to a very loud tantrum making it even more disruptive than wandering off.

However, a few activities we’ve been to have said they are fine with the kids not sitting down to listen and to wander off. Presumably because they are two with the attention span of a goldfish. However, I wouldn’t let my DS trample through the group sitting down, we would look at whatever else was around the room until the main activity started.

Obviously, you are not unreasonable with wanting this girls parent to actually do some parenting and you’ve had some good suggestions for things you can say if this toddler approaches again. However, I really would teach your daughter to say “no” herself as well. My DS once pushed an older girl and she roared “DON’T push me!” so loudly my DS cried. He absolutely deserved it and I’d been telling him off for a couple of weeks for pushing kids but he never did it again after this girl shouted at him.

Keep it simple

block her from your child with your body

fewer words are better -

hands to self

back to mummy

then eye ball her mum

Speak to the teacher. Get there early this week. There's no point waiting for another class to happen if it's this consistent. The teacher is letting the class down by not doing anything.

I would be telling the teacher so they can address it in class or send an email highlighting the need for parents to stop their children going up to others as it distrupts the class. Hopefully then she'd get the message. If her child is clawing at other kids rather than dancing then it's not for him/her. I would put your arm out each and every time the child comes near yours and say, "back to your mummy please' and eyeball the mother. When she inevitably says something daft like, 'oh she just wants to make friends etc'. You respond by saying that your dd doesn't like it so she needs to stop her child from doing so.

Awww this is so sad, its definitely 2 issues

Issue 1 is the kid touching your kid
Issue 2 how your daughter is experiencing your reaction and then how that's making feel/not feel safe/supported.

I work with kids and an expression I use a a lot for younger kids when they try and touch things is 'we can look with our eyes but no touching with our hands please' and then ill always repeat the sentance and reiterate with physical movement like touching at your eyes and then shaking our hands no when saying no touching with hands.

So if it was me in your situation I would be doing what others have said and sit around your child so this kid has to physically reach over your legs and as soon as the kids starts reaching put your hand up as a no/stop block and say something like

'No touching please. we can look with our eyes and we can wave to each other (and you wave to the kid as your saying it so your no/stop hand becomes a waving hand) but no touching (say your kids name) please.'

And if the kids still tries to touch your kid repeat that sentence, and if the kid tries to do it a 3rd time then I would loudly call over the mother saying something like...

' (mums name) can you come and help please I'm trying to explain to (other kids name) that my daughter doesn't want to be grabbed and touched but (other kids name) doesn't seem to understand not to do this.'

Then in the eyes of your daughter you have told the other kid not to grab and touch and you've physically blocked the other kids from touching your kid so she should feel a lot more reassured.

And I'd say as well when you are talking to the other kid say it all with a smile....so it doesn't come across that you're telling him off necessarily your just having a conversation with the kid and explaining your boundaries.

I would say “go back to your mummy” repeatedly until she leaves your child alone. If she doesn’t respond to that just tell the mum to call her child back. No need to explain yourself or feel embarrassed. Nip it in the bud before it totally ruins your time there.

Move you’re child away or put yourself inbetween them when you see them heading over, a very firm and loud “no thank you” when she does something your child doesn’t like and remove her hands from you dd and def speak to the class teacher, tell her it’s unacceptable and she needs to speak to the mum, make it clear you’re thinking of cancelling the class, if you feel this way then others prob do as well. That type of mum is a pain, maybe the teacher needs to make it clear that if she can’t control the behaviour then her child can’t attend. Is the teacher the one who owns the class? If not I would then go direct to whoever does if she can’t sort it out - do they have other times/venues? If so I’d consider changing to one of those, you shouldn’t have to but for the sake of your dd and your stress levels it may be worth thinking about. We have a couple of kids at the preschool I work at like this- the mums think it’s cute/funny which I just don’t understand

I wouldn’t promise my DD that you won’t let child touch her, instead I’d say things like ‘I will talk to the teacher, mother, child about it….
I would instruct your daughter to move when she sees her coming, jump up and stand the other side of you, … then you say to child ‘Lucy doesn’t want to play, back to mummy!’….. go on, back to mummy’……. ‘Off you go!’

prior to the next class I would email or call and ask to speak to the teacher about this, maybe she can situate this parent and child at the front of the group and keep this child engaged more, or simply keep an eye on the child and then SHE can instruct the mum ‘please mum can you go and bring child back to her mat?! …. Please mum can you stop child touching other children etc!

When I used to turn up at playgroup two boys (twins) used to make a beeline for my daughter, she hated it and used to hide behind me, used to say they touched her hair and wouldn’t leave her alone… I had to have a word with the leaders and tell them to keep the boys away from my DD or I’d change playgroups. I was pleased when they started school and my DD didn’t have to contend with them.

ultimately it’s the teachers responsibility to say something to the mum, so please email or call BEFORE the next session of baby ballet, don’t wait till after another horrible session to speak up, call the ballet studio today…

I'd put my arm out, keeping her at arms length from my daughter and say "no, you go back to your mum" on repeat. She'll soon get bored and move on

I'm personally shocked at all the parents calling this 'shitty parenting.' Let me get this straight, the toddler causing SO MUCH strife in your life is less than 3 years old. My toddler is naturally really outgoing and loves to approach other children and it's not something I actively discourage. If the other child does look uncomfortable I will steer her away but if I fail at this on occasion - does that make me a shit parent?!

I can see why you might get irritated but honestly the amount of people who have so much to say about the parent and how annoying that child must be - look at yourselves. I love seeing all the different personalities interact at this way and figure out how to establish their own boundaries. Honestly some of these responses have infuriated.

@SunnyAfternoon23 it’s not causing me SO MUCH strife, it’s just an experience that I have found frustrating and wanted to ask advice and strategies on stopping my little girl get hit and touched when she doesnt want to be.

As with all things parenting everyone has a different take and approach and different views on whats acceptable. I dont think it’s acceptable in this instance

I have had a good range of views here and I think most are balanced and support this

@SunnyAfternoon23 did you read the ops posts that this child is causing distress and upset to her dd?
Or do you think that because you enjoy watching your 'really outgoing toddler' interacting with other dc that how the other dc feel about it doesn't matter?

Thanks @MyGooseisTotallyLoose

I did read the post and said I would personally steer my child away but to act like this girl is such a huge hindrance when she's literally a tiny child who is discovering how to act around other people is really mean.

I actually said I love seeing all their little personalities, not just my outgoing child.

I'm not attacking the op - I kinda get it but after reading a load of comments calling it shitty parenting I totally do not agree. The parent is probably knackered and torn between wanting to help the girl who finds it annoying and not wanting to discourage their child from trying to be friendly.

I'm actually very open minded to these discussions but when people are outright calling each other shitty parents - that is not right.

And 100% agree they should not be hitting your child and that should be stopped immediately.