To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

Time to put your big girl pants on here OP. You need to have the conversation with them.

Being a new parent comes with so many hurdles 😫

My family do not respect my boundaries at all. Baby will cry and I'll try take her off my aunt and she'll be like no she'll be ok in a bit.

And my has become so persnickety. 'oh no, why have you dressed her in that, she has so many nicer clothes'. 'Try pinch her nose in every now and again, she's got a fat nose '. 'Why does my granddaughter always look so sad. She misses her grandmother '
Grrr.

You are going to have to tell them. Or just not answer the call. You don't need to be at their beck and call all the time. If they ask why you didn't pick up the call just say you were busy. Screentime is just so unnecessary for a baby too.

When they say they're coming round just tell them 'Tonight won't work for us but I'd love to see you on Friday'.

You’re an adult and a parent so YOU get to decide what happens. It’s not up to your parents or anyone else.

People can’t make you do anything you don’t want to. They can “demand” you videocall, but you don’t have to.

If they say they’re on their way round, reply “That doesn’t work for us. I’ll let you know when suits us,” then if they turn up, don’t let them in.

Set your boundaries NOW - this is so important! Don’t let it become the norm that you do what they want.

You need to stop this - it’s far too much. It’s affecting your enjoyment of life as well as your family time.
Cut out the daily videos and say you’ll send photos / videos as you like.
Then be honest with your family that constantly coming round is too much for you and your husband - set a date when they can see you next.

Definitely time to put your foot down. It might cause some issues to start with but they’ll get over it.
I had something similar with both my mum and my MIL early on and it’s mellowed now after I, politely, had a conversation with them.

I feel like my parents are obsessed with my daughter. Like as they leave they'll say, oh the baby looks heartbroken why doesn't she spend the night at ours..

But she looks fine. I think both my parents are a little depressed. Both my grandpas passed away earlier this year, but my baby isn't a therapy dog.

I think it is ridiculous to videocall a baby on a daily basis AND also to be coming over several times a week. IME videocalls are for relatives that live far away and don't get to see the baby. Personally it would be either/or when you want to do it/have them OP. Once a week or less either videochat or visit would be fine for me. You will have to set up some rules of how often you want to see them plus when in the day and they should be clearing it first with you and not just turn up. If your marriage is shaky (not unusual with a first baby) then they are not helping and, actually, I think they are being massively unfair to your DP (and you obviously). If they get grumpy that is on them. Please put yourself and your marriage first 0P they are being hugely Unreasonable.

Yanbu but you can’t lie.

Say to your mum & the rest of your family (let your DH deal with his relatives):

Hi everyone,
Since DD was born, we’ve done video chats and visits on an almost daily basis.

Starting next Monday (or whenever you want to begin), we will be available for one visit per week. You must check with us before you decide to show up because we won’t be able to accommodate any more than one visit. Oh, and that’s not one visit per person, it’s one visit in total.

We are thrilled that you all love DD so much but exhausted from all of the visits and calls we’re expected to be available for.

We realise this will take some adjusting on everyone’s part.

We’ll be doing trick or treating (getting DD dressed up) for Halloween and we’ll see everyone over the Christmas period.

Thanks so much for your understanding.

All our love…”

That’s what I would send. Or similar

Use your words, OP and tell them once a week for video calls, once a week for visits. When is your Dh meant to see his dd?! Why are you putting up with this? And saying she has a fat nose? Way to give her body image issues before she can even speak! Protect your child, yourself and your Dh.

this would drive me mad. Tell them, 'Dh and I need time to ourselves with baby.'
or simply, 'not tonight, we have plans'.

Don't give them too much information to manipulate you with. leave longer gaps in responding to texts and calls.

the daily vidoe calls need to stop. like pp said, say you'll send pics and videos, and do that - or don't.

Your baby is not a toy or pastime for your family.

Totally agree with PP. Time to put your Big Girls Pants on.

They won’t like it, but tough. They probably won’t dare piss you off too much if they’re so obsessed with the baby.

Maybe start sending them links to rescue dogs/puppies/kittens. Distraction!!

You need to put your foot down on this now. It's not unusual that it's happened, but it is unusual that you've both put up with this for six months, and I'm not surprised the weight of it has started to put pressure on your marriage.

You have to learn to say no, or you're putting an unfair weight on your child to have to do so when they're old enough. You're going to be bulled into allowing so much that you really regret. Trust me; mine is nearly two and there are things I massively regret in this area and will never understand why I didn't just put my foot down. I hate upsetting people but the alternative is that you have strong regrets for the first X years of your child's life, and that's rough xx

Oh gosh. You're all right.

I'm such a wuss. This is the first baby of the generation hence the excitement maybe. When I've tried to say in the past not to come or I don't pick up, they'll phone DH.. and they'll phone like 9 times and when I pick up my mum asks all alarmed, ' IS EVERYTHING OK, WHAT HAPPENED '

Why havent you told them sooner?

And like a PP said, I hate upsetting people. I think I am also starting to see how it also happened when I was younger - I was the first born.. I had my entire extended family (grandparents etc) turn up on my first day of school. I do not want this for my daughter.

I really should have. I've been a bit gentle because of their dad's passing away. But also just being unassertive and wussy.

Don't be so spineless. You're a mother now. Buck up and take control.

"My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend."

Make it happen then. Tell them that you're overwhelmed with their calls and visits and from now on, this is what's happening. Don't be swayed by tears, anger, pleading, guilt-tripping or any other nonsense. Just lay down the rules and stick to them. Tell them the other option is no-contact at all.

Send a video every few days. They want to see her grow up

Daily is too much

Tell them no

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day

That's still quite a lot

You may have to choose between upsetting them, or upsetting yourself and your daughter.

This is absolutely insane and very extreme, I feel suffocated just reading it. Its important that you first of all realise that because when it's the water you swim in, you don't always.

Your mother might ring your husband 9 times the first time you don't answer but eventually she'll get the message. Or not. But your phone will be on silent, your husbands too so it won't matter. Clearly these people haven't an ounce of common sense, perspective or emotional intelligence so I'm afraid you will be the one who has to erect rock solid boundaries in terms of what works for you - or at least what you can live with. Act now, the sooner the better and do it breezing, confidently and without anger or malice. This is how you are living YOUR family life and they need to get on board or else bugger off. If they are basically good people (if utterly clueless) they'll catch on eventually.

One thing to remember is while your DD won’t remember these visits, as she gets older she’ll see (and subsequently learn) how people get walked all over if they don’t have good, simple easy to follow boundaries in place. You’re both going to have to be firm but kind to both sides of the family about this.

Best of luck to you!

Jesus Christ this is completely over the top! I hate video calls they are so invasive and uncomfortable but I could tolerate it once a week to keep the in-laws happy, multiple times a day is nuts! Arrange a weekly call, that's enough