To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

May I suggest you show this thread to your husband and ask him for his perspective. I wonder if he knows how under pressure you feel and I'm sure he would like time with his family without your parents.

Don't listen to people who make you feel stressed, ask the person who lives with you and who loves you.

Oh COME ON. Your parents aren't scared of saying anything to you at all, they have had plenty of mean things to say to you.

You need to change how you think about this. They just aren't going to say "you're right, we are toxic, we'll now be nice normal people". They are going to be angry and rude and lash out when you establish your boundaries. But you will be happier for it in the long run

I have been there and my mum especially is always upset and angry and says horrible things when I lay down boundaries but the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Remember your dps have no rights over your dc.. Yes it's lovely if dc have nice extended family around them. However your family aren't treating you nicely therefore you are entitled to prevent your dc being in their company if they have no respect for you.

Trying to set healthy boundaries means now my entire family are talking about me and how awful I am

No, trying to set healthy boundaries means your entire family had a collective strop because you tried to stand up for yourself and they didn't like it.

You aren't awful, they are used to bullying you.

My sister said my parents are too scared to say anything to me incase I withold their grandchild from them

Your sister is a flying monkey, sent to drip poison in your ear by your parents. "Oooh your poor parents, ooooh they're so scared of you, ohhh why are you being so mean and so selfish!!!"

Bollocks, they aren't scared of you. They weren't scared of you when they yet again overrode your wishes, charged on through to your house and got their way playing with baby while you meekly cowed to their bullying ways.

I know you don't want to believe they're the bullies, they're the problem. You'd rather blame yourself. But please don't, they are horrible people and I'm sorry, it can't be a nice thing to realise.

Jesus Christ, I also have a 6 month old and I would truly hate this. You've got to set boundaries now, you're going to have to get used to doing uncomfortable things now you're a mother.

They are asking far too much of you too. Have they always been overbearing?

Tell her to fuck off she sounds awful.
You NEED to prioritise your mental health. Not your Mums, not your Aunty's- no one's but YOURS. Because happy Mummy = happy baby. Honestly this time goes so so fast and if your Mum is just going to bombard you and make snidey comments and make you feel guilty and demand all your time but provide no help then just cut her off. Not totally of course but just don't answer the phone and if she turns up unannounced do not let her in. Lose your rag with her if needs be she will get a shock. As for all those awful comments she said to you, just completely unnecessary and toxic. This time goes so fast and is so precious- guard your mental health and your happiness like a lioness!!!!!!
Dr Ramani on YouTube- I cannot recommend her enough.

Also, there is nothing wrong with you op. Don't believe that shit they are trying to poison you with. Take it from all of us on here who can see right through the poisonous family dynamics that you are being belittled and bullied and you deserve better. Big hugs x

"My sister said my parents are too scared to say anything to me incase I withold their grandchild from them."

If that were true then I'd say good because then they would be taking you seriously but it's not true at all is it. It's just more drama, drama, drama because they can't have their own way and bully you into doing exactly what they want. Ignore it all, stick to your boundaries and do NOT believe the lies they are telling you about yourself. You are a kind person who has dared to challenge them and they don't know how to deal with it other than to be hysterical and bully you even more.

OP, you have done nothing wrong. Your mother is abusive and your father and sister are nothing more than her flying monkeys. You have full blown FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and have probably lived most of your life like that. You have done the right thing by telling them to back off, and although they may shout and throw hysterics they are responsible for their own behaviour. What you are requesting is reasonable, generous even. You are not an unreasonable person and your mother is turning on you only because she is rude and doesn’t like you standing up for yourself, but you are an adult and your own person - not hers to command as she sees fit. You are a mother, and your job is to protect and nurture your little one, and ensure she is not continually exposed to this toxic family. Put her first, get your relationship back on track, block your family for a week - on the phone, on video call, and don’t let them in if they show up. Take back control. This is your life, not hers.

How close do they live? This is only going to get worse. I assume they have nothing better to do with their lives

Clearly they’re not afraid though or they’d have altered their behaviour!

Your mother is utterly vicious and vile with her words.

All said with intent to wound you, a new mother.

She sounds like a narcissist having a tantrum because you are not doing what she wants.

Pushing herself into your home and demanding this and that.

She has zero rights to your home, time, and baby.

Your child needs a strong mother that will defend her.

She needs protecting from your toxic family not facetime calls.

Your sister is just more poison dressed up as a flying monkey.

Protect your child from these disordered people.

I wouldn't allow them access to a cat, not to mind my precious child.

I would keep a record of the seemingly endless missed calls, answered calls, video calls, visits etc etc etc for a week or so and then present them with facts: that they are continually interrupting your routines and expecting you to be available at all times, and that this is absolutely unacceptable, overbearing imposition on a household with a new baby.

It’s an absolute joke. You’re the mother now. Get your big girl pants on!

When you set boundaries with people who have gotten used to being a pushover they do react badly. This is not something you've done wrong. There's no way for you to set these boundaries without causing upset but this is how life is sometimes. You sound like a people pleaser who puts their own needs far behind everyone else's because they are afraid of causing upset. You just have to go through it... yes of course they will talk about you with each other and try and bully you into behaving how they want again, and gaslight you into believing its you who is completely unreasonable... but you just have to take this. Rest assured you ARE NOT a bad person and their behaviour is incredibly invasive, controlling and disrespectful.. look at this thread.. every single person who's replied to you is on your side. Because any woman would find this level of contact from their family utterly ridiculous.

But it's what your family have gotten used to you just putting up with..so they've convinced themselves it's OK.
You need to set firm boundaries and then most importantly STICK TO THEM regardless of how much fuss your family make about it. In the long run they will get used to it and your life will improve. But short term you will get backlash. Just stick with it.
Come up with set times they can visit and call, and do not deviate from that plan for any reason. If they try to do otherwise you simply message them reminding them of the plan you have set.

Op, tomorrow, get up, dressed and get baby ready fed, dressed and go out for a couple hours, take her to the park or a soft play, a shopping centre, a garden centre, take her to see some pretty Christmas displays, she’ll love the pretty lights. Go anywhere, do anything to get out of the house. put your phone on silent. Tell dh of your intentions because your family will no doubt be ringing him “frantic with worry”. Don’t be specific about where you’re going though, say you’re going on an Adventure.

I know the feeling, I got so overwhelmed with the newborn visitors and every time I felt like I’d got to the end of them someone who’d already been would say they were coming back. One of my friends said she was coming to ‘help’ so it was like I couldn’t say no but I would sooo much rather have had no one visiting, not having to clean the whole house again and have been able to sit in my pyjamas for longer. I think people very quickly forget how relentless the cycle of play, feed, change, sleep is and the fact you have absolutely no time to yourself inbetween all that because you’ve got so much to do purely for the baby while they’re asleep. My parents live nearby and my mum has had covid recently. Luckily not ill with it but I’ve secretly really enjoyed being able to relax a bit knowing she isn’t about to turn up at my door unannounced!

I think making very clear boundaries and being a bit blunt is the only way round this. Maybe say you’ll set up a group chat or something to share pictures as and when you have any but you can’t commit to the number of video calls you’ve been having and visitors will need to check if a visit is suitable first

YABU as you are wet. Grow a pair and tell them what suits you!

When this happens you don't open the door. You ignore him ringing the bell, you ignore him calling you, you let him sit outside until he gets the message and goes home.

If you tell someone you need space and their response is to turn up on your doorstep, they need to learn the hard way that they can't just override your express wishes.

This is just about the only scenario in which I think it's fair to say, "You don't understand because you're not a parent. When you have a baby, you'll understand."

Your poor child isn't a performing monkey.
You can block their calls - you can refuse to answer the phone or change your number - you are not there to provide their entertainment. If the worst comes to the worst, you can move without a forwarding address - and I'd be tempted.
You're not their child. You are your baby's mother.
In fact, you hold all the strings because, putting it crudely, you have something they want and can withhold access - which isn't a nice way to be, but they've brought it on themselves. It's time to step up and be an adult and stop letting your family walk all over you.
Are there some cultural issues at play here ? Because this is so far out of the realms of normal.

Good Lord they've done a number on you haven't they?

How are you going to parent your child and her behaviour if you can't even even set firm boundaries with ur own family ...think about that!

When I first got married OP, (way back in the '70's) I was really proud of the home that me and my DH had saved so hard to buy, and couldn't wait to invite my parents over for a meal. I wanted to show off my hostessing skills, (my first opportunity as a proper grown up) but to my dismay my DF continued as if he were in his own home, walked in, plonked himself down on a chair, and said to my DM, "get the kettle on, I'm gasping for a cuppa!" For just one moment, I was stunned into shocked surprise, he was in my house, and telling someone else to make him a cup of tea, telling, mind you, not even asking! I turned to him and said, "actually Dad, this is MY house, and if you'd like a cup of tea it would be polite if you asked ME for one, or wait to have one offered!" I was shocked at myself for speaking up, as at our family home Dad ruled the roost with an iron fist, but I knew deep down, that if I allowed this behaviour to set a precedent, I would continue to be ruled in the same way that I always had been at home, and made to feel like a child in my own home. Having given me a filthy look, my shocked DF, got up, went out to the car, and sat there sulking until I went out to tell him that a meal was on the table and if he wanted something to eat, he'd better come and join us. He was clearly expecting an apology, but it wasn't forthcoming, and he had the choice, continue sitting in the car getting cold and hungry, or accept the situation as it was, and come and join us. From there on in, our relationship changed to DF and married, GROWN UP daughter. He had realised that if he didn't treat me with respect, he wouldn't be welcome, and that was that.

I've told you this OP, in the hope of making you see that at some point you have to show your parents that you're now an adult, and no longer theirs to control. This is YOUR time OP. Step up, and assert yourself as the grown woman and mother that you now are!

Why don't you just let your parents have your child full time? It would probably make them happy, your feelings are immaterial to them.

They've got used to this schedule but if you stay strong and manage them onto a new one they'll get used to it.

Under promise and over deliver on rare occasion.

If they want daily calls give weekly. With the occasional twice weekly and so on.

Don't answer. Sent a text later oh sorry missed call baby sleeping, bathing, crying. It's been kind of a day? Or something. If they reply with demands ignore until you're ready then say oops sorry too busy to check phone. And so on
Gently manage their expectations onto a schedule you can handle

The current situation is v unfair

Good luck