To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

I would move far, far away. I have 6 grandkids and never expected that level of contact. Sounds a nightmare and spoiling your time with your baby.

You need to stop answering these calls and texts. Count up how many missed calls you get in say a 3 day timeframe and send ONE text to EVERYONE

"Family - Since Sunday I have missed X number of video calls from Dad, Y from Mum, Z from Sister. I've also had A number of unscheduled visits by Mum & Dad and B from whoever. This is not sustainable.
DH and I have agreed that we will do ONE video call per week for the moment. We have also agreed that no unscheduled visits are going to be allowed for the foreseeable. We need to get to grips with being parents and DD needs to start a routine before I go back to work/start work/attend college again/whatever. This is very important to the three of us. My employer has noticed a downturn in my productivity due to the number of calls I'm receiving unrelated to work. This too is unsustainable.

If our requests are not followed, it gives us no pleasure in doing this but we will have to withdraw all access to everyone. It's this, or nothing. Please don't force our hand on this."

Give them the option to follow your rules or whatever access they have had gets withdrawn completely.

Use this anger:

"Seriously guys this is getting too much now! You turned up yesterday when I'd said no and since then I've had 6 missed calls in less than 24 hours. Please leave me alone for a bit"

Make a group chat op. So they can all see how much attention they are all demanding of you.... Then send 1 pic when you have time to them all via the family chat.

You need to grow up and behave like an adult and tell them this stops today!! I bet they never did this when you were younger --- on the phone constantly to their parents?
I have 5 grandchildren and I have never behaved like your parents or would even dream of doing so. This is YOUR child, advocate for them.

Eye roll back and say “Well, stop saying them then”.
I like the previous posters comment. ‘Your title to my child doesn’t entitle you to my child’.
Six video calls, a home visit and god knows what else in the space of 12 hours is ludicrous. Have this out with them today. TELL them they have to back off, it’s causing tension in your marriage.You don’t have the time for all of this intrusion into your lives. Be as assertive as your mother.

My granddaughter has a life long autoimmune disease, she’s been quite poorly at times, I suggested to her mum to set up a family group on WhatsApp to avoid multiple messages to update us on her condition when she was in hospital. She did that and whenever gd is poorly she sends one message a day with a couple pics, everyone is happy.

Stop saying the baby is napping.

Say, "Stop calling me repeatedly, back off and give me some space. It's not normal to call someone three times in a short space of time if there is no emergency!"

It went so unbelievably badly.
My mum told me I need help. I am in tears. She said I'm teaching my daughter how to be like me and one day I'll find out. And I think I have such a gift with that tongue of mine. And they'll never come.

I was being so good today and was going to go out and had everything planned. But now I've burnt the pumpkin slices I was roasting for my baby's finger food. And I've missed stay and play and I just feel like utter dogshit

She said I'm going to end up lonely and miserable and I don't know what a blessing I have. And I make everything toxic. And she's been watching me for a while.

Your mum is being emotionally abusive.

You said you want to put some reasonable boundaries in place and instead of respecting that she tried to gaslight you and make you believe you are the problem.

Look at all the replies to this thread. All the people on here telling you their behaviour isn't normal.

It's not you. It's them.

You don't need help.

You do need to be left alone to make the mistakes (such as burning food or missing a play session) but you won't make those mistakes again.

You probably wouldn't have done either of those things if you didn't have to deal with such a demanding family, pulling on your time with alarming frequency.

Time to put your mother on MUTE or better yet, BLOCK her calls and messages (even if it is only a temporary thing).

Tell your Dad that you're doing this because you cannot cope with the volume of calls and you need a breather. You will ONLY answer any message if it is an emergency. General chit-chat will have to wait.

Do this for you. Do it for your DD and do it for your DH.

Please disregard the rantings of a mad woman. Clearly she has lost the plot.

No normal woman would turn on their daughter like this.
No normal mother would demand to see their granddaughter as frequently as she has.
No normal mother would make such terrible claims about how their daughter is behaving.

She is the toxic one.

You are now having the rose-tinted glasses removed and you're getting to see the real woman and who she really is.

She has 'been watching you for a while'??? Really???? How dare she! And I guess she has multiple degrees in psychology and psychiatry to back up the assertions she has made? I didn't think so.

God, how awful. What a nasty, bitchy, threatening comment for your mum to make. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this OP.
You're doing a brilliant job! Cooking for baby, planning days out and activities, you have every right to plan your days with your lovely baby however you want to! It's nice for baby to have involved family, but your family aren't just involved, they're practically beating down the door.
I know how it feels to have overbearing relatives - not quite to this degree, admittedly - but you prioritising your immediate family is not unreasonable or selfish, it's you putting your priorities in order. If your parents/sister can't handle not being at the top of that list, and behave accordingly, they'll only ever find themselves being moved further and further down it!
Try not to focus on what they're saying.

Your mother is toxic OP. Controlling and toxic. So what if she's upset? She's spent your baby's entire life upsetting you. Take this break that you so desperately need. You've done a great job. It didn't go badly, she just didn't like what she heard because you stood up for yourself. Now she's gaslighting you. Abusive. I'd be enjoying the peace. Don't worry about burnt stuff or playgroup. Is this a cultural thing may I ask?

Set ur boundaries and stick to them it will be hard and ur get change back messahes such as the shite ur moms coming out with jus bcuz u not havin boundaries works for her now ur tryin to set them she doesnt like it bcuz shes not gettin what SHE wants !

Well done on speaking up, now keep that resolve, dry those tears. The worst bit is over, they’ll get used to the new ‘ no bullshit you’.
You mother is toxic, she’s lashing out at being denied free access to her new toy and hobby: your daughter. Ignore her comments, if she repeats them or comes out with more pearls of wisdom, “ Yes mum I’m the product of your parenting, do you want to reflect on that”.
Pfft, burnt pumpkin is a small price to pay, cut the burnt bits off and give her what’s left.

The Flying Monkeys will be sent in next, other relatives to tell you all about how dreadful you are.

Then one of your parents will develop The Mystery Illness. There’s a script.

Well done establishing boundaries. Now you can see that being able to bulldoze and bully you is more important to them than seeing DGD. Or seeing you. Not exactly the “family people “ they claim to be are they?

Can you move away?

That sounds over the top and completely unnecessary - you should tell them that it's unacceptable and there will be once a week (or whatever you feel reasonable) video calls. One way to ease the blow without any effort is if you have a video monitor with an app, give them access to it. My mum loves watching my daugther in her cot sleeping or room playing and I don't even realise. Only issue is I have to remember to not be half naked when I got to comfort her if she's crying at night.

Oh God what a bitch your mother is.

Urgh I'm sorry your mum decided to lash out at you like that. Maybe realise that your mum is being like a toddler here, and you don't have to listen to her words as they are the equivalent of a 3 year old going "Iiiii hhhaaaaateeeee yoooouuuuuu" when they have to get off the seesaw.

You have two options really. 1) cut them all off altogether for a while 2) choose a slot when you are available for videos/calls, e.g. 10am-12pm, and tell them when that is and that you will not be able to answer the phone or the door outside of those times as you are all three trying to get into a routine. Then stick to it.

I feel sorry for your H too, he can't exactly tell them to fuck off out of his house can he.

Ohhh I do feel for you! Were you a bit of a people pleaser before DD came along? I was/am and now my DS is 15 weeks old it’s bitten me in the ass.

I had a really rough first 6 weeks with tongue tie and horrid struggles BFing (which I had to give up on in the end). DHs family all live super close and started using out house as entertainment when they got bored or wanted to kill time. Ended up a revolving door of people expecting to be hosted….literally. I had a complicated c-section and actually spent visits making teas,coffees,serving cake….then struggling to feed baby with an audience who didn’t have the decency to disappear while I wrestled with a boob and tiny baby under a Muslin to have some privacy. They always overstated too.

irs exhausting, I didn’t nip it in the bud and ended up having a total meltdown to my DH (who was in work for many visits so wasn’t affected as much) thankfully he had a word and sorted it….they’re all sulking and now pretty much don’t visit at all which is petty but their loss….at least I’m not the family tea maid anymore!

I would now ignore her. She’s shown her true colours

Your mother is an abusive twat. It might be worth seeking someone therapeutic to speak to with regards your relationship with your mother and then to distance yourself from her for a while. Your mum should be one of your biggest supporters after having a baby but she isn't, SHE is toxic, cruel and overbearing - who is she to say she has been watching you? I'm not surprised your emotions are taking a hit right now having to deal with a toxic earworm putting you down at a time when you're likely to need some moral support. Have a good look at the relationship with your family and ask if that is the sort of relationship you want with your child in future.

I reckon putting some distance between you for a while to work on your own little family will allow you to see more clearly how unhealthy this. Can you mention what is happening to your HV to see if there is any support they can offer you to develop your strategies on dealing with overbearing families.

I would recommend you check out the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

I suspect your mother, at least, is toxic, and you have probably endured a lifetime of boundary busting behaviour. Having your own child is often the point where you find the strength to stand up and say no. 💐