To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

You are the dm now op. You call the shots in your life. And the life you have created.. You won't be lonely with a well balanced, well adjusted, loved dc... A dc that absolutely does not need a dgm like her... She will be the lonely one. Of her own doing too. Block her for now op. She doesn't get to abuse you via your own phone.

For goodness sake, ignore your mother. She was bound to hit back as soon as you started imposing your own boundaries, she doesn't actually mean any of it. People on this thread are virtually unanimous in agreeing that she and your family are bonkers and incredibly selfish, so why give her opinions the time of day?

Time for boundaries, pronto. You can make your own videos and send the same one to everyone for example. As often or as seldom as you want.

My dad just phoned to say my mum cried and he's coming over. And then they both came and played with the baby while I tidied up the house. They have now left.

I'm not saying the following to garner sympathy. Have just got off phone with sister and I think I'm not a nice person and never knew it. She said it all very gently but it is what it is. I'm not feeling great right now, but I'll think twice and try harder to be kinder.

A few examples she gave me.
I gave DH a death stare and spoke to him harshly at a family dinner at ours a few weeks ago. It was because my family was helping clear up and he was just sitting there.

My FIL lives in a 1 bed flat with his sibling who shares a room with him. The sibling is bedridden and so wears nappies. DH and I would prefer FIL to visit us instead of us take baby there.

Apparently I give DH the death stare a lot. And speak harshly to him a lot.

She said I am also irritable.

It's been a difficult few months for me: rubbish birth, renovating house, moving house, settling into new house etc, new baby life, aches and pains and incontinence that I have to have physio for. All of the above resulted in PNA.
Anyway, I'm going to reflect on what's happened and figure out how to not be so rubbish to everyone. Thank you everyone for your supportive messages.

I voted YABU simply because you should have asserted yourself as soon as your baby arrived! I can't believe that you haven't told them all that this is far too much, and the fact that it's now interfering with your marriage too, means that it's definitely time to be firm with your family and put a stop to it. Sit down and talk to your DH about what he would find acceptable, and then as 'LookItsMeAgain' suggested, send them a message laying out what YOU will be doing. Any backlash, simply tell them that if they refuse to accept what you're offering, then they won't get to see the baby at all. That should stop them in their tracks if nothing else does. Time to start being a mother, which means you step up to advocate for your child. Imagine a stranger walking up to you in the street, and simply taking your baby off of you and trying to walk off. You'd go mad, wouldn't you? You'd fight like a tiger to protect your little one, so this will be good practice for you OP.

You are not rubbish at all, your parents have still overstepped your boundaries by coming over today, they’ve involved your sister…known as a Flying monkey. I expect those words coming out of her mouth were planted there by your mother. They are all abusing you, you just can’t see it yet but this is what’s happening.

My parents are both Indian so I would say it could have been HOWEVER, my grandparents on both sides weren't like this and they are pretty traditional, and looking back I would say my parents had full autonomy. Also my mum came here when she was 5 so she is pretty integrated into British culture too. In fact she works in a nursery and I had such faith that she and I would bond so much during this time because she always has such interesting knowledge on child development etc.

No, no, no.

Your sister is not a nice person. And neither are your parents.

How dare they turn this all around on you just because you have dared to tell them that their constant calls and visits are too much?

You have been massively gaslit by your entire family. They sound toxic as hell.

Oh op please don't believe them when they say the problem is you. It really isn't and who doesn't give their DH a death stare now and again? We all do because husbands can be irritating. They're trying to find as many ridiculous examples of your behaviour as they can. But the only ones acting irrationally is them.

Oh you poor thing! Your family sound just awful.

You're not a horrible person at all, don't let them make you feel that way.

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days to get away from them?

I think even if there isn't, you need a few days of no contact, no answering the door to get your head in order.

With Indian families, I hate to say it, but it would help to get your DH to field some of it, most Indian parents want to please their son in law and if he was able to say "back off, I need some time with my wife" they would likely take it better

@Jelllytot - I’m out.
You shouldn’t have let them in after what they’ve said to you before. Did you not mention to your Dad when he called how exhausting you’re finding their intrusive behaviour? How upset you were after what your mum said to you?
Did you?

You have to stand up for yourself. You are setting your family (including your DD and DH) up for a lifetime of bending to the will of others.

It’s not normal to keep doing that.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing but expecting a different result.

This is exactly that. (Race/background/ethnicity does matter here).

You are concluding that you're not a nice person simply because your sister says you gave your husband the death stare a few weeks ago and you're occasionally irritable? I hate to think what that makes the rest of us!

I would certainly give DH the death stare if he was sitting around waiting to be waited on at a family dinner. Your sister says you do it a lot, but doesn't seem to have given any other specific examples. As for being irritable, given everything that is going on in your life you have every reason to be, she should be supporting you, not criticising you.

Frankly, it sounds very much as if this is just your sister being a flying monkey and trying to get you back into line so that she and your mad parents can go back to ignoring any boundaries. Please don't pay any attention to her.

Op... I don't even know what to say that all sounds so overwhelming! That would drive me absolutely insane.

Your mum is being absolutely toxic. I'd tell her very directly that they need to step back to give you and dh a chance to adjust to being a family of 3, a chance to enjoy your baby and a chance to just get in the swing of things.

Your dsis, I mean she might have said things gently but has she had a baby? It's really hard on a relationship, my dh is brilliant and I love him and he's very hands on and supportive and I still wanted to murder him sometimes! You've still got all the hormones and sleep deprivation and the intensity to cope with- that doesn't come easy with any relationship. So that's normal! And given that your family are constantly around you're not really getting much chance to connect as a couple either.

You don't like upsetting people because you have been raised to believe that you are responsible for your parents emotions and happiness. Except they are adults. And you aren't. I was raised with the same expectation and I had a lot of hard fights to establish boundaries but we all get on much, much better for those boundaries.

I'd go back to your parents, tell them neither you or dh are happy with the constant visiting and calling but you do want them to be involved with your child so invite them for dinner one night a week and pick a set night. If that feels manageable to you. I set up a WhatsApp group and I send wee photos and videos on it so I don't need to do the constant facetimes. The other thing I'd recommend you do is busy yourself. They land round you say, sorry we're just on our way out. Sorry we've got this group, sorry I'm meeting a friend etc. We'll see you for dinner on our agreed night.

The hard part which is actually the key to it all is not caring. And recognising that as a new parent it is your right to establish boundaries for any visitors to your home. And if they don't like it, if they kick off, that's on them. I agree that your dh needs to step up and support you a bit here, I'd try to pass the buck on to him a bit- maybe he's having a stressful time at work and needs a quiet house with no visitors for a while ...?

Also just to say:
I gave DH a death stare and spoke to him harshly at a family dinner at ours a few weeks ago. It was because my family was helping clear up and he was just sitting there.

I would have too. That's rude.

My FIL lives in a 1 bed flat with his sibling who shares a room with him. The sibling is bedridden and so wears nappies. DH and I would prefer FIL to visit us instead of us take baby there.

Nothing wrong with that so would i. Easier to entertain baby with their things at home and you can look after fil making him tea etc and give him a break from his sibling.

Apparently I give DH the death stare a lot. And speak harshly to him a lot.

Welcome to new parenthood.

She said I am also irritable.

No wonder- you're getting no time to yourself, noone is respecting your boundaries so your needs aren't getting met while you're busy meeting everyone else's needs plus you've just had a baby and are probably not getting much sleep. What does she expect?

Jesus @Jelllytot

Your family are absolutely toxic bullies. Block their numbers and don’t answer the door until they learn to behave. You don’t need such awful people in your life.

And get yourself some therapy.

Don’t let them ruin this for you.

Ask DH about the death stare. I’m not sure why it concerns your sister.

Set boundaries, you’re frustrating a lot of us massively because you’re a ‘gnu’. You’re gnu do this and you’re gnu do that and you just don’t. It’s infuriating.

I’d set up a family WhatsApp right now. Stick them all on and advise that this will be used for arranging visits and video calls.

I had a Google, I couldn't find what a gnu means. Can you clarify please?

’gonna do’ - gnu

I did tell him. He said OK I'm coming over to see you right now. And I said no, but he didn't listen.

You're probably right on this particular issue. I'm a bit scared tbh. I feel rubbish right now that either my whole family has been talking about me and don't like what time like (as per my sister's conversation) or they're all bullying me (which I don't want to believe). I am exhausted and unhappy and I am going to lie down until DH gets home from the office.

Your sister is full of shit. I’m guessing she doesn’t have any children, and has no clue how exhausting it is and how the stress and sleeplessness can really affect your mood and mental health?

Your whole family are toxic.

She does not have a baby.

I'm the eldest of my siblings and it's always a bit easier for them on the same stuff it was hard for me to have

Next time this happens, just leave the house. Go wherever, a cafe, the library, a friend's place, doesn't matter but don't be at home.

Too late now but next time don’t answer the door. You’ve capitulated and now they think you’re a pushover. Too late now but don’t answer the door. You’re an adult now and responsible for your own welfare and that of your child. You are no longer their child who bends to their will.
Ok so it didn’t work this time so step back, be out, be less available, don’t pick up the video call. As for the Death Stare, I’ve often given my DH the death stare, flipped him the finger too, muttered F off under my breath and no doubt he’s done the same to me. We’re still here. 45 years later.

Your family are absolutely toxic.

The whole lot of them.

They are bullys.

Really awful bullys.

Yours is the type of family I would recommend that you move far away from if you do not feel you can stand up to them.

The nastiness of your parents words is so not normal but you are conditioned to be used to such ugliness.

Call Womens aid.
Speak to your GP and health visitor.

You are a new mum being completely harassed by your family.

Best thing to happen would be a huge falling out with them.

I feel very very sorry for your child with such toxic grandparents, already criticising her little nose.

Absolutely toxic.

I told my mum she was being toxic when she phoned me and she said that was me all over. I have the capacity to turn nice things toxic. She said anything can be toxic if looked through the wrong lens.

I feel like at my core, my intentions are good and genuine but they always come out so wrong. Eg. Trying to set healthy boundaries means now my entire family are talking about me and how awful I am. My sister said my parents are too scared to say anything to me incase I withold their grandchild from them.