To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

Just a message to say thank you all for the advice.

There is an overwhelming message of 'grow up'. I appreciate it. I don't want to be a "gnu person" as someone said I am. You're all correct, I am not one to 'rock the boat' and I feel uncomfortable with the entire thing. I haven't spoken/messaged to a single family member since it all happened yesterday - for some that gap might be very normal but for my family it's like an equivalent of a month of no contact going by.

I feel sad about it all tbh. I feel like it all came so out of the blue. I had been confiding in my sister about how I am feeling overwhelmed by all the visits and a few weeks ago they stopped coming say 4/5 times a week and started coming 1-2 times a week. She is obviously why the frequency decreased but since then I feel like they've all been stewing about it. And whatever I've been saying has been communicated through Chinese whispers in a way. It's totally not my fault for dealing with it myself. And now I don't know what they think about me and my reasons for wanting things less intense. But from what my mum was saying she thinks I've always been a rude and nasty person. I want to change that thinking about me but I feel so defeated at the moment.

Because they are nasty, toxic bullies?

You can change that thinking by reminding yourself that everything they are accusing you of is not true about you, but it is true about them.

Take "rude", for example. You said it yourself yesterday. Your mum announced that she was going to come round later. You didn't want her to come round but you were too nice to say so, so you said you had other plans for the evening. A short while later you posted on this thread saying, "I can't believe it. Their car is on my drive. How rude."

How rude indeed.

You tried to set a boundary

You: don't come round tonight, I am doing something else.

Them: Surprise! Here we are!

That's not OK. There's no world in which that is OK.

Then all the phone calls. If a man you were seeing was calling you that often, several times in a row, then getting someone else to call or going round to your house when you didn't pick up, everyone would say that was a huge red flag and tell you to run for the hills. If a man you weren't in a relationship with did that and you reported it to the police, they would consider it harassment. So why is it OK for your mum and dad to do these things?

As for being a nasty person, the main reason why you're in this situation is because you're a nice person. You don't want to be a nasty person. That's why you're picking up the phone and saying, "Sorry, baby is napping right now", rather than, "Mum, Dad, I've got a baby to look after, and when I get a spare moment in my day I also need to feed myself, have the occasional shower, sit down for two minutes with a cup of tea, remember to breathe at some point, and WILL YOU JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF WITH THE CONSTANT CALLS AND UNSCHEDULED VISITS BECAUSE MY BABY AND I ARE NOT JUST OBJECTS FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!"

I'd also tear an absolute strip off them for the comments about your baby's appearance and pinching her nose and all the rest of it. No, you're not being oversensitive. That is shitty behaviour and if they're still doing that when she's old enough to understand they're going to give her massive insecurities. If you don't want your six year old to be wanting a nose job your horrible mother needs to cut that right out.

Honestly, the best thing you and your husband and baby can do for your own sanity is move a couple of hours away.

This is not normal.

I think you need to care less what they think and focus on yourself and what you need. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

I don't think you need to "grow up" - it's really hard when you grow up with a toxic mother especially because we are socialised to think of mothers as kind people who have our best interests at heart. But some of us aren't lucky enough to have that.

I think the more time you spend away from them, the happier and more grounded you will feel.

Sometimes in life you have to go through difficult periods with your family in order to set boundaries. It's hard and painful at the time but worth it. They end up respecting you far more.

If you're not prepared to go through with these periods of 'adjustment' you will end up spending the rest of your life being the sort of person who is abused and walked over.

If my mother had said my baby's nose was too fat she wouldn't be seeing her again for some time.

The nose pinching thing is an Asian thing. But the difference is that when my mother (who is also toxic, just less so than the OP's) tried it on my baby, I said "nope, not doing that, don't do that again", she huffed for a bit and then got over it. She periodically tells me my children would have nicer noses if I had done it... But she didn't do it after I said no.

My mother totally could have got as bad as the OP's but I have been quite firm

"But from what my mum was saying she thinks I've always been a rude and nasty person. I want to change that thinking about me but I feel so defeated at the moment."

You can't change what your mother thinks and you shouldn't try. She equates not doing as she says with 'rude and nasty' but she's projecting her own faults onto you. The more you stand up for yourself as an independent adult and mother, the more 'rude and nasty' she becomes. It's extremely tough for you but you need to stop seeking her approval and love. Your husband loves you and your baby loves you - those are the relationships you need to nurture and put above everything else.

Remember the saying, 'what other people think about me is none of my business'.

Repeat to yourself as necessary!

Oh holy fuck @Jelllytot i promise you you are lovely and normal and your family are the toxic ones. A normal relationship wokld be a couple of visits a week. Let alone daily multiple video calls.
pick a time a week that works for you with an end time. This is when you meet up and inbetween no video calls. I watched a family member do daily video calls and it was horrible for the kids. I can’t stress enough how overbearing this is and not normal and you need to reduce contact and see that this is not on you. Do you want your child to grow up with this?

I definitely do not want my child to grow up like this.

I just wish they wouldn't be so extreme in their reaction. No messages or calls today or yesterday evening. I feel like I'm being shut out.

I don't know if I mentioned this but I never actually said anything to my mum before the phonecall. My sister said things so I don't know how she said it for her to erupt on me like that. Anyway, I feel miserable today. I appreciate everyone being so kind, tbh I really needed it, so thank you.

Don't feel shut out, feel glad that you've got some breathing space!

I hope you're ok and being kind to yourself. This stuff isn't easy.

They are bullying you op.

Oh OP. I commented on your other thread to say you're being a bit silly with the weaning stress but reading this back I can absolutely see why. You poor thing. You are not nasty and you are not unreasonable for wanting to set boundaries. Your parents are treating you horribly. That amount of calls and visits would drive me mad. Please stand up for yourself.

Well, clearly that's not true, they're obviously not in the least scared to upset you. So please believe that virtually everything else she says about you wasn't true either.

I just wish they wouldn't be so extreme in their reaction. No messages or calls today or yesterday evening. I feel like I'm being shut out.

And yet for most people it's perfectly normal to go for a couple of days or longer without calls. Especially when they're conscious that someone has a baby and will probably appreciate some peace and quiet, and being allowed some time to catch up on housework etc. I know that isn't your family's motivation, but it is an illustration of how much of a number they have done on you that you feel they are punishing you rather than rejoicing in the freedom.

Please stop believing all the nasty character assassinations your relatives are doing and start believing in yourself. And enjoy having some lovely me-time with your husband and baby! The best defence really is living well and showing that you aren't dependent on your family.

My sister phoned asking to come round today saying she hasn't seen us in 3 weeks 😫 we last saw her Saturday before last. Last weekend DH and I just argued 🤦‍♀️ and we are so far having an alright day.

I'm terribly sorry Sister we have plans this weekend. Can you give us notice next time. Thanks.

You're not just a daughter and a sister anymore OP, you are somebody's mother. You call the shots on what is best for you and your family.

You need to have a serious conversation with DH, you need to make him understand how this is making you feel and that you need his support going forward.
You both need to discuss boundaries that you both are comfortable with going forward, but you must remain adamant that things can't continue as they are.

Once the boundaries are agreed, I E visits when agreed 8n advance, with notice and video calls once a week, you both stand firm on implementing.

If they turn up at your house then turn them away, telling them that you made it clear it wasn't convenient right now.

If they keep calling send a text, "Everything is okay, but we are taking time as a family, I will call you another time."

Make sure you communicate to your family why you are doing this, but don't leave room for arguments, for example;

"It has been pointed out to me that I have been more irritable than usual lately and that this is affecting my relationship. I feel that having to be constantly available and having no control over my own life is this reason for this, I have discussed this at length with DH and as of now we will be setting the following boundaries. (Lay out the boundaries) This will allow you all to still see (DC) but will also give us the chance to work on our little family unit.
We have put a lot of thought into this and am not doing it to hurt or upset anyone, so please respect our need to do what's best for our child and ourselves."

Do not then go on to involve yourselves in arguments, just say "We will not argue, we love you all but we are doing what's best." Or words to that effect.

Good luck, Op

Aww you sound lovely, not wanting to upset your relatives
I don't have children, so don't know how it feels, but it all sounds very suffocating and far too intense
It is not easy but you ought to say something, and have boundaries I hope it all works out.Enjoy your baby 💐💐

This sounds like the perfect way of dealing with the situation OP.

Your sister asking to come round this weekend is probably a flying monkey sent by your parents to query why you're not allowing them round. Be wary, be busy and stand up for your DC, DH and own little family!