To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

Your daughter doesn't need a phone stuck in her space half a dozen times a day. Send a daily video- after bedtime, and take her out to enjoy each other. Groups and activists start getting fun as they begin to move.

They're insane, you're an adult so put a stop to it. And if they 'insist', just don't answer the door/call.

I hope you didn't let them in. Agree with other posters too that you need to advocate for your daughter, them commenting on your baby's features and appearance is appalling. Do not let them do that to her!

I didn't say anything, I was too taken aback. And my mum is so assertive. DD was napping so she left after 10minutes. I will say something though.

The other thing I did was download FamilyApp and I just upload videos and photos as and when. My mum, sister and MIL have access to view photos only.
Seems to have helped!

Have you considered moving a couple of hours away?

YABU in that you have set your own boundaries. Say to your parents I’ll call you on X day and that is it.

Why did you even answer the door?

Your mum sounds like a bully.

Agree with PP. I would think about moving far far away if they can’t respect boundaries.

Take a leaf out of your Mum’s book then if she’s so assertive. You can still be assertive and remain polite and respectful.

I would have opened the door, stood in the doorway and said “Oh you really should have phoned me before you set off as DD is having a nap and I’m about to jump in the shower/do some housework/begin writing my novel. I’m really sorry but you can’t come in now. Give us a bell next time, see ya” and don’t even give them an opportunity to respond. They are being so rude and opportunistic about your availability.

It sounds like too much for you OP. There is no respect to your boundaries. With that said I appreciate how hard the Big Gorl Pants conversations can be. It might be easier to move the dial slowly. Don't pick up your phone and when they call you on it just say "well we don't have to talk every day do we?". If they call round unannounced just say "I was just about to pop round". It might be easier/ gentler for you...

Send a photo tomorrow morning .. Tell them daily calls are too tiring and you both need rest. Shut curtains and lock the door. Ignore them if they call round tomorrow.. Stick to your guns. If they ask to visit say you are free Saturday afternoon. My other times just ignore the door... We put a baby gate on our front doorway. Stopped unwanted guests!

"I'll be in on Wednesday during the day if anyone wants to pop over after 10 and before 4. Otherwise see you next weekend - we can all meet up at Mum's.
Evenings are a bit hectic right now, what with DH getting in from work and establishing a bedtime routine with the baby, so please don't turn up then."

As far a the video calls are concerned you can say " Now DD is getting bigger, we're finding the video calls more difficult to manage. Happy to do a zoom for anyone to jump on at 3pm on Friday but we won't be doing individual daily video calls from now on as DD just wants to be out and about. We'll be in the park at 11:30 on Monday if anyone wants to meet us there."

It was DH. He's too polite.

He doesn't want me to have any of these conversations. He doesn't get it. His family is the opposite to mine. They've only seen DD in person 4 times, his sister only twice and one of those was her wedding.

Just this evening after my mum left I've had 3 missed video calls and 2 missed phonecalls from my mum, 2 missed from my sister. Have messaged both saying I was busy

You’re going to have to get tough, especially with your parents, they need to understand DD isn't there to provide entertainment for them . The constant calls house calls and video call are intruding on family life and causing tension. Send them a message saying you’ll video twice a week, at a time convenient to you.
Pinch your mother on the nose and see how she likes it.
And if aunt refuses to hand dd back you insist, stand over her say “I’ll take her now, she needs her mum” and don’t back down.

Honestly OP, your family sound like complete nutters. This is not normal.

What does your husband think about it all? Would he be willing to get tough with them on your behalf?

They just have no sense of boundaries.

I would seriously think about moving away.

You need to be firm OP. We’re behind you!

One of the best things I’ve read is “your title to my child, doesn’t entitle you to my child”

It’s ok to say no. You’re the mother, you don’t owe anyone constant access to your child. Especially when it’s coming at the expense of your well-being.

The only people who don’t like boundaries are those who were planning on overstepping them anyway. What’s the worst that will happen? Some sulking, a few bitchy comments and then they get over it.

I’m due soon and have already had to set expectations. It’s been a high risk pregnancy and will be a high risk delivery. I don’t owe anyone instant and constant access to my child. Both sides of the family were planning Christmas with my baby without asking me or my DH. My own mother assumes she’d be coming to stay after the birth and my MIL was planning on ‘popping in’ every day. We’ve made it clear that we will welcome visitors when we invite people, not when you feel like it. Bit of grumbling and being called selfish, but oh well.

”Mum, my baby has a perfect nose, it’s not fat. Do you realise what you’re doing? She’ll understand what you’re saying one of these days and think she’s not good enough.
Mum, my baby isn’t sad, she’s perfectly fine and if she was sad she needs her mum.
The clothing issue, “She’s fine, she’s comfy in what she’s wearing”.
or make a joke of it and tell her you’ll buy her a ReBorn doll for Christmas and she can dress that up to her hearts content.

Whenever I do say things to that effect my mum says something like "you're so uppity, immjust saying" with an eye roll. Or "you always take everything so seriously", "can't ever say anything to you without you getting all huffy"

My mum told me I would raise a weird child because I said I was uncomfortable with people kissing her on the face when she was less than a week old

Your mum's behaviour is toxic. She is undermining you and trampling any attempt you make at putting in healthy boundaries.

Send your family a clear text message saying that all the calling and visiting is too much and that you will be taking some time for just your own family unit, and will call them when you are ready for visitors again.

If they trample that boundary too (which they no doubt will), then put them on mute and refuse to answer the door.

They need very firm handling from now on. Make it very clear this is your child, your family, your rules.

Maybe it's time to tell your mother to stop being so rude to you when you lay down boundaries. It's your baby and as the mother, you make the rules. My daughter would go bananas if I spoke to her the way yours does and she'd be keeping me at arm's length from my grandchildren. Just don't put up with it - tell her you've had enough of her comments and that she needs to respect your wishes instead of arguing back / insulting you.

Just this morning I've had 3 missed video calls from my dad, 1 from my mum while at work and 1 from my sister. I messaged them all to say baby was napping

If she answers your points with "I'm just saying", you repeat back to her "Well, this is my daughter and I'm just saying....."
I'd also slot into the conversation "I'm not getting all huffy but I'm pointing out that when you 'just say' something and I counter that with something, I'm also 'just saying'. There is no one holding a gun to your head saying that you have to visit this regularly/frequently and I think it would do us all a power of good to take a break from all of the visiting/contact for a few days. If I can't have an adult to adult conversation without it turning that I'm getting all huffy or without eyes being rolled, I've noticed that happening too, then I think we'll call a halt to all of these visits as it's very clear that you are not taking my thoughts/feelings/decisions on parenting in to consideration."

Find your gumption!!! It's there. You've been so conditioned to 'be polite' and 'not rock the boat' but it's time for a gentle rocking and for you to show them you're no pushover any more.