To not want visitors and videocalls almost everyday because of new baby

[Jelllytot]

Essentially what is in the title.

My parents demand I videocall them with my 6 month old every single day twice a day. I'm now videocalling my mum, dad, FIL and sister everyday. I feel like between feeds, nappy changes, weaning, bathing, all her free time is spent having to video call. Sometimes she'll be playing and I'll put the phone in the corner so they can see her but she can at least get some undisturbed play in but they call and distract her so she stops what she's doing. I just feel like it's not fair for her to have to do this multiple times a day and maybe also not great for her development?

Also, they've started saying "we'll be coming over to see the baby in half an hour", or "we're coming over tonight". Like they don't even ask. And they come maybe 3-4 times a week. DH and I aren't having the greatest of times at the moment and it would be great if we weren't having visitors what feels like all the time.

Sometimes they're here after work and in the weekends which means any time DH has at home is usually spent having to share DD with his in laws.

My ideal would be maybe a video call every other day and a visit every other weekend. I would just love some time to ourselves. I have tried telling them but they get grumpy.

Just earlier my mum said she's coming over tonight and I lied and said I had a friend coming round just so I could have an evening free.

AIBU?

With all due respect, if they are old enough to have a grandchild, your parents haven't lost their fathers tragically young or at a young age themselves. Everyone's parents die, sad as it is, it another stage of life. It doesn't give them an excuse to virtually suffocate the newest member of the family (and their mum and dad).

You could suggest meeting up for a coffee or something somewhere once a week as that would have a set time limit

Isn’t your internet broken? What a shame 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it's a Mumsnet cliche but this is where you need to draw some boundaries.

It's suffocating you, your baby won't gain much from endless video calls, and you need time for you and DH as a couple as well.

As your child gets older they will look to you as a template for healthy relationships. The best thing you can do is be an awesome mum who has created nurturing relationships with healthy boundaries so your child knows they don't have to tolerate relatives being pushy.

That's a lot!

Do they use WhatsApp? As there's a new video message feature. You could create 1 video and send to all each day or every second day.
Re the calling at short notice - we got around this by insisting we would prefer to go to them. That way you pick a time/day that suits and it's easier to just up and leave.

Oh I feel for your, I lived with my parents for the first year of Little ones life and spoke to them less that you do yours!!

I think you need to be honest but also I have found that lots of people like being asked to help so phrase things like you need help.

Also be mindful if you will be relying on people for childcare / nursery drop pick ups drop off etc (I rely on my inlaws for odd short notice care so I can see a friend/do some personal bits etc)

Perhaps
Hi Mum,

Me and DH are struggling at the moment with getting into routine and balancing home, work and little one alongside that we have some how ended up doing video calls daily and juggling people popping by without enough notice - we are overwhelmed and need to try a different approach.

As such I'm hoping you and Dad would like to set up a weekly play date with me and little one so you get quality time on a regular basis - I was thinking we could go the Local library/zoo/indoor play area/baby class/swimming

I'll also be suggesting the same to DH parents so we can get a weekday that works for everyone.

I know everyone loves a video call so I'm going to set up weekly log in and watch sessions but not engage as all the medical research shows its not great for little ones to have screen time.

So me and DH can focus on things at home and quality family time whilst he isn't working we will prioritizing weekends for a while but will be inviting everyone round for a mini halloween/fireworks party / Christmas/ valentines /Easter/ summer BBQ etc

Let me know what you and dad would like to do on your day with little one and what days are better for you M-F

Also don't worry if I don't answer my phone I regularly put in on silent so I can do things with little one, chores, sleep etc but I'll check any messages I've got before bed when I've got some down time. Obviously in a life/death emergency phone DH.

Speak soon, love xxxxx

Haha thank you, the end made me chuckle

You are an actual real live adult. Yes you are your parents’ daughter but you are also a fully autonomous independent adult woman, and you can - and should - make your own choices. Even when they make other people upset or angry.

Decide what you want. Tell them. Stick to it.

Many thanks everyone for your perspectives. I am glad I made this post as I feel like I lost perspective with how intense it was. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit ND and don't realise hings until it's a bit too extreme.

I had some of this with my parents. When I had DS1 they came every weekend for a while and started to just assume this was ok.

I eventually just had to give it to them straight. I went for something much simpler than some of the suggestions. Pretty much just "it's getting too much for us having you guys here every weekend. We need to dial it back a bit, how about we do XXX in a couple of weeks?"

My parents, I don't know if yours will do this, did a lot of "but we'll be no trouble, we'll bring food for everyone" which for my mum was always bringing half a dinner and forcing me to find specific ingredients to cook the other half. Different cuisine but the equivalent of bringing mashed potatoes and then demanding I cook sausages to go with them when I didn't have any in. I just kept repeating "no. That won't work, it's just too much for us, we need some time to ourselves".

I'm sure it hurt their feelings and I did feel bad but I couldn't keep living like that.

FUCK SAKE I can't believe it. My parents are just on our drive.

How fucking rude.

Time to be really angry with them. It is outrageous to turn up when you said you were busy.

Good lord, OP, that would do my head in.

In the short term, you need to be firm with your parents that this is too much, you are getting no time to relax, and they need to calm down. And no, they can't just announce that they are coming over. If you want them to come round, you'll invite them.

In the longer term, can you move further away?

‘Try pinch her nose in every now and again, she's got a fat nose '.
Wtf?! Did no one else notice what these vile people said about OPs baby?
OP step up and advocate for your kid. Today.

it's getting too much for us having you guys here every weekend. We need to dial it back a bit, how about we do XXX in a couple of weeks?

This is perfect - no offence to the rest, but some responses are OTT.

We're preparing for the same from MIL, who is over-excitedly asking to come to literally everything to do with her first grandchild. Conveniently forgetting that she absolutely detested her own MIL and pretty much cut her out of family life, so MAYBE we would want some family time ourselves without ILs on either side!

I cant believe you've let them do this for the last 6 months! They're far too enmeshed and needy, and you need to stand up to them for your own sake, and for your DC, your DH and your marriage! I hope you didn't let them in when you had already told them you have plans today. If they have a key and let themselves in just ask for it back!
What are your childcare plans for when you return to work?

Good grief, your whole family sounds quite nuts. You definitely need to step back and put some very clear boundaries in place. Tell them that your daughter's welfare comes first, therefore from now on you will video call once a day and visits will be only when invited by you. If they kick off about it, tell them that the only result of that will be you reducing their time with her.

As for not giving her back when they are holding her, just don't let them hold her.

Please come back and tell us what you said to them.

OP you need to tell them that it’s not ok to just turn up as you feel you can’t go out or do anything in case they come over.

If you don’t want to say it face to face then just send a text, asking that no one turns up unannounced.
Just say you want to start going to baby groups etc or even having a nap/bath when baby is asleep.

I would actually not answer the door next time and if they carry on knocking, have your dressing gown ready and quickly wet your hair and say you’ve just been in the shower and the knocking woke the baby up.

Focus on getting them to call ahead first of all.

Then focus on the video calls.
Ringing twice a day is absolutely ridiculous and I’d wean them off of it by having a group chat on WhatsApp and sending a video every day instead.
(Then you can start reducing these too).

Honestly, I would just not answer the door. Keep doing that. They will get the message. Really bloody rude.

If your relationship is already a bit rocky I imagine having in-laws round as soon as you get in from work won't be helping. As difficult as it will be you need to say no more unscheduled visits and as for multiple video calls just no.
You need to grow a spine op and stand up for your family.

Keep telling yourself this.

You are a grown adult and a mother.

You are in charge of your own life.

I voted yabu because you need to take matters in your own hands and limit the calls.

Just say no. You don't have the time. You'll video call at the weekend