To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

[Floatinginmycanoe]

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

But the risk to your DD isn't just being snatched - it's running off alone, getting hurt, bolting down the road and getting hit by a car etc literally none of those things were possible. She couldn’t open the gate.

If my dc refused to leave I'd say something like "bet you can't do the slide in 10 seconds" then I'd just catch them on the bottom of the slide, hold their hand and march them out.

For the last ten minutes of being at the park I give my toddler lots of warnings. 10 minute warning, five minutes, three minutes. Then I ask him to pick one last thing to do (eg one last go down the slide). Then I ask him where I left our bags as I can't find them. Nine times out of ten he runs over to the bench, gets his bag and comes with me out of the park.

Other tactics include. 'Hey G, how fast can you run to that bench over there?' Or 'Do you want to look for pumpkins/snails/fairy lights on the way home?'

Sometimes those things can work but not always, nothing is foolproof with toddlers I suppose.

Of course some of them were possible.

If she'd ignored you and stayed in the playground, what would have stopped her running in front of some swings and getting kicked, or tripping and hurting herself, or trying to climb on something and falling?

She may not have been able to open the gate, but lots of toddlers would try (in a panic) and potentially get their fingers hurt. Another adult or older child could also have opened the gate and allowed her to run off.

Awesome!

Nothing at all wrong with this method as long as it works (and is safe!)

I so feel for you OP! these years are really rough.
How about a chat when she's calm about only gping to the park of she's going to co e home at the right time, and laying out a special treat e.g biscuits and a Teddy waiting to "eat" them for when you get home?
Bribery I know!!

I’d be worried that in a panic she might run into a road, in front of another car etc.. I always used the countdown.

I wouldn't do this for three reasons:

1. It's an empty threat, and I never used those as they set you up for failure later
2. It's emotional abuse to threaten children with age-inappropriate abandonment
3. If another person opened the gate etc. there's a risk of other problems

Has she ever done you or herself a fair amount of damage when you’ve had to pick her up?

A lot of toddler parenting isn’t easy or pleasant but you do what you have to do to keep them safe whilst also letting them have lovely experiences in the park etc. I really don’t want to pile on you but I just think that you asked for advice because you weren’t comfortable with what you had done and a lot of us who have been in similar situations have said sometimes you just need to be prepared to pick them up and put them in the car or pram. I’m just trying to say that’s ok (from my experience) and the only option sometimes.

I don’t think she’ll be permanently scarred by it. I do however think that threatening something you will never carry through is a foolish parenting strategy in the long run. And for that reason never did something like this with my own dc.

This clearly isn’t an effective strategy going forward so look to your range of approaches and develop something better for next time.

And fwiw yes, picking up a child even if they are fighting you over it is FAR better than threatening to abandon them. Which is what you did.

Oh that's a good idea! Wish I'd thought of that.
I did asking them how many more goes they'd like on the slide etc, or "one more thing" e.g the swing, and massive bribery of snacks on the way back.

Picking up a child at leaving time is something social services would understand. Threatening to abandon them is something they would at.

You might want to reflect on why they are perceived so differently.

Removing a child is much less damaging emotionally than threatening abandonment. When you threaten to abandon your child to force compliance, you are prioritising your emotions over your child's.

Instead of asking, tell - 3 more goes down the slide then we’re leaving.

And did she still get the snacks when home? I’m not saying starve her but - if you’re choosing to use food as bribery - no cake today because you didn’t come down when mummy said it was time. Tomorrow we’ll go back to the park and you can try again.

I like it.

How did she run to your car, then? She was obviously in the vicinity of cars on her own.

So you go every with a pack of chocolate buttons in your bag to bribe her with.

genuinely can’t believe people are condoning this. My mother did something like this to me several times and it was very traumatic. But then she’s never liked me so all part of a bigger story. I just remember feeling so utterly helpless and terrified.

@Thedm She's 3, how do you know she hasn't been scarred for life?? Some future reading skills you have

How about in a quiet moment when it’s just the two of you, explore the issue of leaving and why she finds it so hard?
Then ask her if she can think of some ways that would make it easier for her and you can suggest some things too. Then pick a strategy and see if it works. Have reviews with her to keep the conversation going.
Solidarity mother of determined little girl!

But then Mum leaves her toddler alone in the park whilst she straps baby into his car seat. And that's what everyone is telling her she absolutely shouldn't have done!

Bit much for a two year old to get their head around isn’t it? Or even a conversation they may remember by the next park trip….

Strap baby in pram and carry toddler over shoulder while pushing pram one handed? Temporarily use cheap second double buggy until toddler learns? I used both these strategies. Not easy but not impossible. I still think a baby strapped in a car alone is safer than a small child running around alone.

Same age child and i would never in a million years do this. You're basically teaching her if you dont do as i say then i'll leave you. Not a great lesson in life.

I always do the get down to their level and explain its time to leave the park now, i know its been very fun and its diffoxult to leave, but its time for other boys and girls to have a turn now. We can come back another day. I then say shall we say bye bye park, we then say bye bye park (if its worked) see you soon and leave. It can take a few times of repeating the same thing to get her to say bye bye. But it does work. Just needs patience and practice.

I get we all mistakes. But i really would revisit how you manage her in future as this cant be your goto when she doesn't listen.