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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

239 replies

Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 13:51

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2023 14:09

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 14:06

That sounds incredibly dangerous to me. I don’t know the parking situation, but getting into a car and leaving your 2 year old to panic in a car park or near a road is just negligent to say the least. I know toddlers are difficult but no, I would never do this. I used to have a small packet of sweets or chocolate ready for leaving places that I knew/know my children may not want to leave. Or in the park I used to leave the play area 5 minutes early with the promise of seeing the ducks on the way back to the car.

I’m sorry I agree with this. What if she’d bolted for the road? She’s 2 - so tiny, and can’t have any road sense at that age.

Also, you don’t want her to think you’d ever leave her. You want her to feel completely secure. So it’s not only an empty thread but one you don’t want her to believe. Related consequences yes, but not the consequence of abandonment.

Tortugaa · 16/10/2023 14:09

You have to put your arm under them to avoid the worst of the flailing arms and legs. Some of them are just particularly stubborn,

randomsabreuse · 16/10/2023 14:09

Depends on the child, it worked and hopefully you won't have to do it again as it worked. The threat of leaving (having appeared to follow through once) works really well on DD.

Unfortunately DS (now 4) gives zero fucks (and pretty well never has) and continues what he's doing/where he's going which is a bit unhelpful to say the least. We do not use this tactic on him! Fortunately he's my younger one so I've always had an ally in fetching him! Although I certainly have memories of exiting places with DS in a sling and 3 year old under my arm at an angle she couldn't damage me or him with flailing...

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 14:10

Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 14:06

Unfortunately offering choices doesn’t work, she either says no to both or just ignores you.

I could see her all the time but I get it must have been upsetting for her even in the briefest of moments. It’s just very hard when they point back refuse and everyone is being held to the whims of a 3 year old.

‘Whims of a 3 year old’.

Shes still 2 for one thing. You are placing adult expectations on a toddler. If it’s too difficult for you to understand how to relate to a toddler, their inability to understand time, their emotional disregulation, I would advise avoiding the park until you find a more reasonable way to meet her needs safely and in an age appropriate way.

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 14:10

@Tortugaa i physically can’t do that. I’d drop her. She’s very strong especially when angry. It isn’t just me who has commented on this either, we had to leave a fair in the summer and DH was struggling with her!

OP posts:
QuietDragon · 16/10/2023 14:10

I would always say something like, "Do you want a drink/ snack? Okay let's go and get one." Then pass them whatever it is as we walk to the car or when we get in.

I would also prewarn them by saying "We are going soon. Is there anything you want one last turn on before we go?"

Coffeerum · 16/10/2023 14:10

I think this is too extreme for a 3 year old.

toadasoda · 16/10/2023 14:11

If it works OP then you are not unreasonable. Also while that sort of thing might be really distressing for some children, if she is the wilful stubborn sort she probably won't care and will learn a lesson. Following through on threats is the only way, and actions not words will work much better. Negotiating and giving warning methods only work for some.

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 14:11

I’m not sure us all being under house arrest is helping anyone understand her emotional regulation.

OP posts:
Tortugaa · 16/10/2023 14:11

Why don’t you take the pram and car seat or a double buggy then so you can restrain her in that?

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 16/10/2023 14:11

Gardeningtime · 16/10/2023 13:58

Not that’s not right and very traumatic for her. Maybe she will remember it and not do it again, if she doesn’t then don’t repeat it, or she will be starting threads in later years about her mother and how she used to pretend to drive off and leave her at 3.

i would speak to her though and tell her she can’t say no and if she refuses again she doesn’t go to the park. Then remind her when you are leaving to go.

It's not bloody traumatic 😆

Show me a parent that hasn't pulled the 'ok I'm going without you then' trick and I'll show you a liar.

willWillSmithsmith · 16/10/2023 14:13

I’d stop taking her to the park and if she asked to go I’d say no and tell her why. If she promises to behave then I’d take her but if she continued I’d cancel all park trips for the foreseeable future. As your baby is young they’re not missing out on anything.

Tortugaa · 16/10/2023 14:13

Think threatening to leave and walking away is one thing but getting in the car is another. I couldn’t leave a three year old unsupervised near cars like that

Stompythedinosaur · 16/10/2023 14:14

I don't think it's ideal to scare dc into obedience. I also wonder what you'll do when she inevitably realises you won't leave her and then ignores the threat?

I think the advice about count downs and timers is good, but ultimately you put one dc in a safe place e.g. baby in car seat while to physically remove the other one, and follow through with whatever consequence you use.

We had some success with gamifying things I knew the DC would t like e.g. racing to the car, or having a silly walk competition.

MarkWithaC · 16/10/2023 14:14

Tortugaa · 16/10/2023 14:13

Think threatening to leave and walking away is one thing but getting in the car is another. I couldn’t leave a three year old unsupervised near cars like that

She wasn't. The OP explained the scenario.

PinkRoses1245 · 16/10/2023 14:15

I think it's fine, I'd only be careful she wasn't unattended in the carpark

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 14:15

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 16/10/2023 14:11

It's not bloody traumatic 😆

Show me a parent that hasn't pulled the 'ok I'm going without you then' trick and I'll show you a liar.

Show quote history

Many parents have but you’d think (and hope) not in a situation that would risk personal safety. Leaving a two year old in the road is absolutely not the right way of using ‘I’m leaving without you’. It’s a threat I use with my older children not leaving their bedrooms quickly enough for the school run, not in the middle of a car park when I’m in my car and not able to grab them out of harms way or stop them panic running into a potentially dangerous situation.

LadyNellCardross · 16/10/2023 14:16

Are you giving her plenty of warning that it will soon be time to go? I usually let mine know when there's 10 minutes to go, then 5. That way she knows it's coming and it's not a sudden demand.

TMess · 16/10/2023 14:16

I think it’s fine in terms of not damaging etc etc but empty threats make you lose your credibility. Don’t say a consequence you aren’t going to follow through on…therefore choose one that actually can be carried out.

comfyshoes2022 · 16/10/2023 14:19

I don’t think it’s good because ultimately you’re not going to follow through on it, which teaches your kid that your boundaries aren’t real. Threatening to take away a toy or something else you’d actually do seems like a better option.

caringcarer · 16/10/2023 14:22

My 3 year old very willful son had a tantrum in the supermarket because I said no to sweets. He sat down and refused to move. I spoke to him nicely, reasoned with him and still he wouldn't get up and move. So I said what a pity Daddy will be upset if I go home without you, are you sure you are not coming home? He said no. I said OK I will go home and tell Daddy you don't want to come home. I walked to the door with my trolley, didn't look back and as I was leaving the store he came running up and said he would come home just so Daddy wasn't upset. Clearly he was telling me I didn't matter but it made him move. Sometimes you have to be very firm with willful DC. I don't think, you putting your baby in the car, you getting in the car or even starting the car is a problem. It made him move. Maybe he will remember next time. Before I used to take him out to somewhere like soft play or Mother and Toddler groups I would remind him I hoped he'd have a lot of fun but if he did naughty things we would be coming straight home. It was hard work and I had to leave shortly after arrival several times. It took time and consistency but once he understood I meant what I said he behaved better. You have to be calm, consistent and more determined than the most willful DC. By the age of 5 or 6 his behaviour greatly improved and people would comment on how well behaved he was. Believe me it is far easier to just give into them for an easier life and less embarrassment but it doesn't help DC in the longer term. DC have to learn to do as they are told when out and about if nothing else for safety reasons.

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 14:23

I don’t actually have a double buggy but even if I did it wouldn’t have helped - I couldn’t get her .

On balance it felt like the best way, everyone was calm, baby wasn’t left, dd wasn’t either and it seemed better than any of the alternatives. But it didn’t feel good either, so I wasn’t sure of myself. It seems most people wouldn’t have done this but it also seems most people have more compliant toddlers than mine!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 16/10/2023 14:24

Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 14:07

She wasn’t in a car park or a road, it was an enclosed park with swings and slides. She ran to the gate when I got in the car. She wasn’t on the road or the car park alone.

In that case, you’re fine. Firm line every time or you will be dealing with a nightmare. I grappled with a struggling 2 year old on a couple of occasions but I didn’t have a baby as well.

RedLolly101 · 16/10/2023 14:25

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 14:15

Many parents have but you’d think (and hope) not in a situation that would risk personal safety. Leaving a two year old in the road is absolutely not the right way of using ‘I’m leaving without you’. It’s a threat I use with my older children not leaving their bedrooms quickly enough for the school run, not in the middle of a car park when I’m in my car and not able to grab them out of harms way or stop them panic running into a potentially dangerous situation.

Show quote history

Eh? Stop making things up. When did the OP leave her 2yr old in the road?

Do you not understand the difference between a Children’s Playground and a Car Park?

Clue: don’t try to park your car on the roundabout…🤣

Everydayimhuffling · 16/10/2023 14:25

As long as she was safe, I think it's fine. Best to have lots of options in your arsenal though because if you use it too much she will definitely learn that you won't leave her. I've walked away (safely) from my 3 year old before when he won't come. I can carry him, but not the whole way to his sister's school for example.