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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

239 replies

Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 13:51

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 15:27

@Floatinginmycanoe what responses are you looking for here? Because it doesn’t seem like you genuinely believe you were unreasonable here and are just looking for people to validate your decision? Which obviously some people will/are but are you not taking on board just a little bit that leaving a two year old by themselves whilst you’re in a car, regardless of how safe you decide she was, isn’t a great thing to do?

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:27

The problem is then the only alternative is using physical force and that seems to be what everyone is recommending but I’m not convinced that doesn’t upset or traumatise. I suppose whatever you do it runs the risk of causing some trauma which is why it felt like the best option out of the very limited ones I had.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/10/2023 15:27

I wouldn't do this with a car but would and have when they're dithering on the pavement Counting to 3 first

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 16/10/2023 15:28

Just say to her ‘we can’t go to the park today, because you don’t come when I ask you’ Tell her if she can’t behave she doesn’t get park time, and give her another chance to comply.

DonnaBanana · 16/10/2023 15:28

Three years old is a bit young for this. But Richard Branson's mum kicked him out of the car at age six and made him walk somewhere and he became Richard Branson.

CheshireCat1 · 16/10/2023 15:28

Next time you’re going to the park do it when your husband is home. Get the little one ready and explain to your daughter that she isn’t coming because of what happened last time then walk out and leave her with your husband. The next time you go do the same and if she she wants to come tell her firmly that if she misbehaves you will leave her at home again. Try this a few times and see what happens, if she does get in the car when you ask her have a small reward ready.

Anyflippingname · 16/10/2023 15:29

It's not ideal and I wouldn't be proud of myself but I can see myself resorting to that tactic. Parenting is hard.

OppsUpsSide · 16/10/2023 15:31

It sounds like all you did was tell her it’s time to go and get in the car and turn the engine on, then she came to get in. Sounds fine. The only thing I would say is if she didn’t/stops coming when you turn the engine on what are you going to do then? Because obviously you can’t actually begin to drive off

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:31

The thing is @Gerrataere i am actually open to suggestions but your posts are very accusatory and also don’t really accurately reflect what happened. You say this is because I have drip fed information: I haven’t done so intentionally but whether I did or didn’t, I do think what you want is to try to cause upset either to distress me or to have me become annoyed and have an argument. Either one of those scenarios is pointless, so in that respect what I want isn’t important.

I was interested in knowing how others would have dealt with it. Sometimes it’s no biggie if you’re another ten minutes at the park. Sometimes I can use other methods to get her away. But today unfortunately neither of those things applied. I didn’t like doing it and I didn’t feel comfortable doing it but I also don’t know what else I could have done because while I don’t doubt she was distressed, she’d have been just as distressed if not more so to be dragged off a climbing frame and across the playground. I think maybe this way was the best of a bad bunch if you like.

OP posts:
Pleasedontdoit2023 · 16/10/2023 15:31

Anyflippingname · 16/10/2023 15:29

It's not ideal and I wouldn't be proud of myself but I can see myself resorting to that tactic. Parenting is hard.

This OP . I have definitely used this strategy and it did work! Every parent has to do what works for them . We are all different.

Coughingdodger · 16/10/2023 15:32

I did it to the dog and it worked.

LondonLass91 · 16/10/2023 15:32

I usually walk off and she runs after, i have also been known to pick her up and she's screaming the place down while everyone looks at me like the world's worst mother! As you say that's hard because she'll hit out etc. But when the parking meter's running out and you've tried everything else, you just have to do what you have to do before you get a ticket! I promise I do adore her and am usually a very kind mum! Just repeat 'this too shall pass..' x

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:33

So we basically can’t go anywhere between 730 am and 6pm @CheshireCat1 ? That’s not really very practical especially as winter approaches!

Im not sure 3 year olds remember past crimes or that endlessly using them as reasons not to do things is fair or non traumatic either. As someone has rightly said parenting is hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:34

Coughingdodger · 16/10/2023 15:32

I did it to the dog and it worked.

I swear half the dogs I see are more obedient than my dd at the moment!

OP posts:
Pleasedontdoit2023 · 16/10/2023 15:34

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 15:27

@Floatinginmycanoe what responses are you looking for here? Because it doesn’t seem like you genuinely believe you were unreasonable here and are just looking for people to validate your decision? Which obviously some people will/are but are you not taking on board just a little bit that leaving a two year old by themselves whilst you’re in a car, regardless of how safe you decide she was, isn’t a great thing to do?

Don’t you think that OP was more than capable of making her own risk assessment?

MrsGalloway · 16/10/2023 15:34

It’s hard being out and about on your own with a baby and a wilful toddler. I remember resorting to phoning DH and putting the phone to her ear whilst she lay on the floor having a tantrum. Not ideal (also didn’t work)

Hopefully you won’t have the same problem again, and I don’t think it was terrible thing to do but obviously it’s a consequence you’re not going to follow through with and it’s not entirely safe for her. What would you have done if the car was further away?

I think the only option if warnings/bribery are not working is to have a pushchair with you and pick her up and put her into it or put the baby into the car and come back for her.

My friend who has 4 children who were all under 6 when I met her and were pretty wilful was just really good at doing a fireman’s lift. When one of them refused to leave somewhere she’d just completely calmly say “oh well we have to go” hoick child over shoulder, ignore all screaming and secure in car whilst carrying on a conversation about arranging another play date, what they were doing at the weekend etc. I was in awe of her.

LondonLass91 · 16/10/2023 15:36

CheshireCat1 · 16/10/2023 15:28

Next time you’re going to the park do it when your husband is home. Get the little one ready and explain to your daughter that she isn’t coming because of what happened last time then walk out and leave her with your husband. The next time you go do the same and if she she wants to come tell her firmly that if she misbehaves you will leave her at home again. Try this a few times and see what happens, if she does get in the car when you ask her have a small reward ready.

She's 3, how ridiculous! Please don't do this suggestion OP, you sound like a very good mum who doesn't need to take advice from others, it'll pass and you'll do what you have to do to get through it.

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:36

The pushchair thing again shows people don’t really understand. If I could pick her up and get her into a pushchair without injury to both parties I could probably get her into the car seat. As it is there’s no way I could safely do so with her on a climbing frame and baby in a carrier, we’d probably all be hurt.

OP posts:
LondonLass91 · 16/10/2023 15:37

MrsGalloway · 16/10/2023 15:34

It’s hard being out and about on your own with a baby and a wilful toddler. I remember resorting to phoning DH and putting the phone to her ear whilst she lay on the floor having a tantrum. Not ideal (also didn’t work)

Hopefully you won’t have the same problem again, and I don’t think it was terrible thing to do but obviously it’s a consequence you’re not going to follow through with and it’s not entirely safe for her. What would you have done if the car was further away?

I think the only option if warnings/bribery are not working is to have a pushchair with you and pick her up and put her into it or put the baby into the car and come back for her.

My friend who has 4 children who were all under 6 when I met her and were pretty wilful was just really good at doing a fireman’s lift. When one of them refused to leave somewhere she’d just completely calmly say “oh well we have to go” hoick child over shoulder, ignore all screaming and secure in car whilst carrying on a conversation about arranging another play date, what they were doing at the weekend etc. I was in awe of her.

Agree, just lift and go!

DrCoconut · 16/10/2023 15:39

My mum actually did drive off and leave me once. I was about 7 and being stroppy about something so she dropped me off in a neighbouring town and left me standing at the roadside for a few minutes. It would probably trigger an investigation now but I probably pushed her to the limit and she obviously came back for me. So kids do remember these things.

margotrose · 16/10/2023 15:39

The reason the car "trick" isn't a good idea isn't only because of potential dangers - but also because a) it's an empty threat and b) it only works if you have the car right there with you.

You say you're reluctant to use reins or pick her up under your arm, but what would you do if she was refusing to leave and the car was, say, a five minute walk away, or at home?

Gerrataere · 16/10/2023 15:41

Pleasedontdoit2023 · 16/10/2023 15:34

Don’t you think that OP was more than capable of making her own risk assessment?

Show quote history

Not when stressed and/or angry. Many children have come to unintended harm because of a snap decision. This isn’t a stroppy teen we’re talking about, it’s a toddler. You’ve always have to have the worst case scenario in mind because they don’t have to cognition to be aware of dangers when left alone.

Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:42

If the car was a five minute walk away and we had to be somewhere I’d have to pick her up and force her, but it really is the very last strategy only to be used in absolute desperation. We went to a soft play when I was very, very heavily pregnant (actually had the baby within 48 hours of going) and I thought I was going to have to ring DH to come and get her. She is extremely strong and she has hurt me before but more to the point could really hurt the baby. Not intentionally but through lashing out. It’s very rare the car isn’t right there to be honest (live rurally!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:44

And it isn’t because I’m reluctant to use reins because I don’t like them, it’s just she is furious if you use them (tried once, never again) and do they’d be used to literally drag her across a park and car park. Now to me that’s worse than what I did but I do appreciate some feel differently, it’s just differing ‘comfort levels’ I guess.

OP posts:
margotrose · 16/10/2023 15:47

Floatinginmycanoe · 16/10/2023 15:44

And it isn’t because I’m reluctant to use reins because I don’t like them, it’s just she is furious if you use them (tried once, never again) and do they’d be used to literally drag her across a park and car park. Now to me that’s worse than what I did but I do appreciate some feel differently, it’s just differing ‘comfort levels’ I guess.

I guess the point is that if she's on reins, she's with you and "safe", even if she screams and thrashes and kicks. Whereas if you're in a car and she's outside alone, it's a very different scenario.

I do think you'll need a back up strategy though, as if you keep issuing empty threats, she'll eventually stop running over (knowing you won't actually drive off) and then you're stuck again.