To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

[Floatinginmycanoe]

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

That makes sense. So when you said your child came running over to you when you started the engine - do you mean she she ran to the gate and waited for you?

Meant to say, as long as she was not in danger, no harm done.

You're being ridiculous with your wording, a carpark is a car park with moving cars and joins a road.

It would take 2 seconds for someone to leave or enter the park and your child to walk out after them.

If you are in your car, with the engine on, in a carpark outside the park then you simply can't react quick enough if something like this happened.
It was a stupid thing to do.

A baby strapped into a car seat is highly, highly unlikely to come to any danger. A toddler running loose in a playground could easily get hurt in a panic.

I understand the frustration as my 2 year old is refusing to leave places as well right now, usually I have bags and he brother to deal with and then wriggles when I try to pick her up (like trying to cling on one handed to a bag of hyperactive eels) but thats still absoloutly NOT acceptable behavior from you.

You left a TODDLER unsupervised, in public and then got in and started your car and had them run panicked into an area with cars... utterly dangerous and stupid.

Why did you get in and start the car?
Why didn't you just lock the car door and walk back and pick her up and carry her to the car once you loaded your DS in?
I mean she can't have been very far away right?

My parents were nasty and abusive and would often frighten me deliberately. It did take a toll.

That said, this is a three-year-old and your alternatives are very limited. She understands the concept of being left alone and knows she doesn't want that.

I think that as long as you don't get enjoyment out of scaring her, and as long as you have a system for providing clear warning that it's time to leave, there's nothing wrong with walking slowly away to the car and saying you're leaving. This is normal parenting.

She has to learn that things happen on a schedule or you'll be setting her up for problems with friends and teachers.

Presumably, the toddler was still safely in the playground, behind the gate that she wouldn't have been able to open, until Mum went to get her?

I think you do what you do to get through the day when you have a baby and a toddler. I'm not judging you. But a non-walking baby strapped safely in the car on the other side is quite a bit safer than a wilful 2 year old near a car park. I think I would always go for 1. secure baby 2. retrieve toddler personally.

She didn’t @LizzieSiddal .

I said many times we had to go and she ignored me and carried on climbing on a climbing frame. Eventually i said what a shame we will have to go and got to the gate thinking she’d follow and she didn’t. So I went through the gate and into the car. She then came off the equipment and ran to the gate. I went and got her.

I do accept she was upset and I don’t want to do that. But climbing on the climbing frame, grabbing her, dragging her, any of those things would have also upset her and upset me too, she sometimes lashes out, it would have led to a long tantrum.

Like I say maybe there just wasn’t a ‘good’ way of dealing with it.

@Floatinginmycanoe so obviously your child was refusing to leave. You would ideally pick your child up and put them physically in the pram. People are suggesting a pram to make your life easier. It's a life saver putting a child in a pram when they are refusing it's also safer that they cry in the pram.

I've only got 1 but I never went anywhere without my pram. If your child had of ran off how would you have manged?? I'm not sure what you don't understand either.

Yes @Terribletwosattwenty that’s right - you explained more succinctly!

I couldn't possibly walk so far away from my toddler in a public place that I could start a car! What if she'd been grabbed by a stranger while you were sat starting it up? What if she ran into the path of another car? Sorry, but I don't feel that is safe at all. Not one bit.

The police thought so too. I gave a statement of what I’d seen and it was backed up by cctv. I’ve pretended to walk away or shouted ‘bye’ as I’ve walked to the door but never done anything involving a motorised vehicle to scare them into doing my bidding. The potential for disaster it too great.

She couldn’t really have run off in a playground and to be fair to her she isn’t prone to running off, she’s never done it. She does get very into what she’s doing and is reluctant to leave it and can get very emotional about it especially when tired, but we very rarely use a pushchair these days for her. And she can actually get out or the pushchair anyway although generally she doesn’t.

I suppose for me it’s better if she does something willingly, even if her hand is forced, not because I don’t want to say no, it’s just it’s better for everyone, much calmer.

My mum would walk away if I tantrummed in the supermarket and hide around the corner and, importantly, not return. At toddler age, I thought she'd left me and would stop tantrumming and run after her. It worked, and whilst many aspects of my childhood were traumatic (thanks, primary school), that wasn't one of them.

You're fine and she'll be too.

Yes, the being grabbed by a stranger is very unlikely but not impossible. It was an enclosed playground and my car was directly facing it - I really wasn’t far from her but it isn’t impossible someone could have come out and grabbed her but to be honest that’s just as true it I was in the playground with her.

I recommend The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry - you will get a massive range of parenting opinions on here that are anecdotal for the large part, and what works for one family often doesn't work for another - but a book by a professional will give you a view based on research and neuroscience. You can then make sense of it in your family context.

Three is hard. Think about whether you would like her to come to you when she's 15 and needs help, or if she thinks that her mistakes and big feelings are too much for you.

• Time to transition - a warning that you will be leaving soon, you can use a timer on your phone - what's the last thing you would like to do?
• A routine - a 'goodbye playground' song or saying thank you to her favourite piece of equipment, and saying see you next time!
• Something to look forward to - shall we have a snack when we get home? I can't wait to read a book with you.
• Processing what happened - at bed time, speak about how she didn't want to leave the park but you helped her to say goodbye and then she came. Amazing!

The difference being that OP didn't actually drive away.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

I was responding to this op. Not the later drip feed, this specific wording where the op said her two year old came ‘running over’ when the op left her and got into her car. So I’m not changing anything. And the car would have been parked somewhere where other cars presumably can get to, she didn’t magic it there out of thin air. However anyone dresses this up, leaving a two year old by themselves and putting yourself in a situation where you can’t quickly get to them if they decide to act like the toddler they are isn’t safe or sensible. That’s putting aside the ‘well it wouldn’t cause trauma’ debate, which it may well not but it certainly doesn’t teach boundaries or consequences.

I wouldn't walk away and leave a 3 year old in a parking lot among moving cars to teach her a lesson.

At 3, she isn't likely to really be able to apply your scare tactic to different scenarios anyways.

Next time she wants to go to the park, you say no we can't go to the park because you didn't leave when I said itwas time to go (after a warning). When she fusses, have her practice. Have her come and go on command with a warning within your house. Once she has mastered it in the house, try it in the yard etc. Keep praising her and maybe a start chart with present at the end each times she does it right. Work your way back to the park. Tell her when she gets ten stars in a row or something, then you will try it at the park to see if she can be amazing at it at the park too.

@sallywinter the problem is she just doesn’t respond to those things. Timers and countdowns she ignores, she’s never really been all that bothered by food - wish I was like that, but she’s very take it or leave it, so not sure really. I do get it’s not ideal but we really did have to go (doctor appointment) so I went for best option rather than perfect, it’s not always easy, but she certainly wasn’t wandering around a road or car park. She was literally standing by a gate in full view of me for less than a minute.

She’s never actually asked to go to the park. I am not sure she’d understand or remember. Like I said before I don’t think just staying in and not going out would be good for anybody, me included. She needs fresh air and play, just a question of how to manage if she refuses to leave. I’ll have a think, it’s just I’m genuinely not convinced dragging her off a climbing frame and across a playground then forcing her into a car seat is less traumatic than what I did. That’s not to say it didn’t upset her but so would dragging her around (and me as well, she’s really strong!)

Well the thing is if you do it so often and have a spirited child they will soon learn it’s an empty threat and say “so what?”
Which is what happened with my mother, who in rage at that response, did actually drive off and leave me.
I remembered it and my siblings remembered it, who were both pretty traumatized that I was getting left behind.
And this kind of discipline adds up. So this one event is just a one off then you can decide on a different way next time. But if it’s a window into usual responses to stressful parenting situations, it could indicate your parenting is having a negative impact on your child and is counter productive.
Kids grow up to be adults who remember. Over the years these kind of things add up and drive wedges in families.
One time bad decision - she’ll get over it
Using dramatic threats to scare your children into doing what you want - damaging
Your child may also learn that this worked, and that the way to get others to cooperate is to escalate and threaten. She might even use this technique back on you “mummy I’m going to run away if you don’t buy me this toy”

I wouldn’t do this. My ex would punish our children with the fear of abandonment such as driving off. They still remember.

What does she like and enjoy? Use that as a promise of connection together, which should be powerful for her - barring neurodivergence which can be an added layer of complexity.

And with all of those ideas, it's important to approach them not as a threat or a bribe but as a way of problem solving together.

I really do recommend doing some reading - that above and The Whole Brain Child. Both available on audiobook if that's easier.