To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

[Floatinginmycanoe]

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

If you genuinely can't pick up a 3 year old in an emergency situation, I don't think you should be out with both dc on your own. She's too young to be able to rely on good behaviour.

In an emergency I can pick her up, but there is a good chance she will hurt herself through flailing around, she will also hurt me and hurt her brother.

Thats why I would only use it in, well, an emergency, for example if she was refusing to get off a railway line (this has never happened I am using it as an example.)

What is the back up strategy when they are being wilful? You try negotiating, then the running to the car, counting this or that, but if they won't leave, you're stuck. I think baby in the car then get them is an idea to try, but if they run, it's not ideal.

similar experiences the other week only mine wouldn’t get dressed and she was just going off on one. So instead I said fine you have to stay here and I’ll go. I’ll never say this again, had the total opposite effect I thought it would. She got SO upset, and we needed lots of cuddles afterwards. Granted she did then get dressed but I felt hideous and vowed never again. There are other ways to deal with situations and making them think they’re going to be left is not the one. I learned my lesson.

I’m not the only one to suggest a fireman’s lift. Strap baby in car first so you are only dealing with one child. Put toddler over your shoulder and off you go. What will do if your empty threat doesn’t work next time?

there are other ways of dealing with situations

In my case, I think that the only other way was using physical force, and I honestly feel on reflection that would have been worse than what I did. It’s hard to know, though. I have compassion for her as she’s had a lot to get used to recently, but unfortunately we do sometimes have to go to places.

Michael Macintyre has a ver funny bit about pretending to leave his 3 year old at home- and he just happily waved and said "Bye bye!" and they had just to come back in again. I would be worried something like that would happen! What would you do if she called your bluff??

This is not going to work where there’s a possibility she can run onto a road or carpark.
Or she’s just going to get clever and call your bluff and then you’re screwed.

I did do similar with my DD.
She had this awful thing of running off randomly.
She once ran off into the road without warning (I got reins after that).

But one time I was in a shop and she kept running off, so I went and hid behind some clothes (I could still see her) and she panicked when she realised I wasn’t running after her and then I stood looking at clothes like I hadn’t noticed she’d run off. She came over crying and although it may have been a bit traumatic for her, it stopped her running off ever since and getting into a worse situation.

I always think a carrot is better than a stick, so I would have s carton of juice ready for when she gets back in the car.
I would set a 10 minute timer and let her know when it’s half way and then one minute left.
Then I’d say it’s time to leave and start walking toward the gate.

If she doesn’t come then you may have to walk out of the gate and wait there until she comes.

Can you not put the baby in a pram/buggy instead of a carrier? Then he can't get hurt when she kicks about - yes, she may hurt you (and herself) but that's better than the alternative.

She may also then learn not to kick and scream and thrash about if it ends up hurting her.

You sound like you are convinced your approach was the best, fair enough but why bother asking for opinions?

So the issues I have with that @MojoDojoCasaHouse are

1. some posters are arguing it was very unsafe for dd to be alone in an enclosed car park where I could see her, it’s also unsafe for ds to be alone in a car where I can’t see him (as am tending to dd)
2. dd would still be alone while I put ds in the car
3. she would probably hurt herself
4. she would probably hurt me
5. we would probably both be hurt when going in the car seat
6. she would be furious and upset
7. is teaching her ‘I will physically force you to do things you don’t want to do’ less traumatising than what I did? That’s not a rhetorical question, I really don’t know, am thinking out loud
8. I’m too old and knackered to climb up climbing frames after toddlers …

I think I am now convinced on balance @MojoDojoCasaHouse . I wasn’t at the start or the thread though.

some posters are arguing it was very unsafe for dd to be alone in an enclosed car park where I could see her, it’s also unsafe for ds to be alone in a car where I can’t see him (as am tending to dd)

Genuinely, why do you feel it's unsafe to leave the baby strapped into a car seat in a locked car?

I don’t especially but if DD is unsafe in an enclosed playground as someone could take her, this also surely equally applies to ds.

How would they take him from a locked car?

DM tried something like this once. My tantrums were so bad she said, "You're so naughty Mummy's going out on her own" and went and stood behind the garage. I knew she was there but I also knew that I didn't want burglars coming so I'd better lock the door.

Long story short, the fire brigade had to be called. She never did it again lol.

I find a sand timer works well. I bring one in my bag, I have massive ones and mini ones. That way if it’s 10 minutes left in the playground, I put the timer on the bench or ground and my 3 year old can see the time passing.

Agree with pp that counting to three also works sometimes.

No, I don’t think pretending to drive off is a good idea but lord I have made many mistakes!

Smash a window, force a door open with a crowbar?

Highly unlikely but then it’s on a par of likelihood with someone snatching dd I would say.

Personally I think it is more kind to physically remove a child too immature to negotiate with. I’m showing them I am in charge and will always keep them with me and safe. That’s just my opinion though. It wouldn’t have been safe to take my DD out if I wasn’t confident in being able to get her safely home when necessary. I know exactly what it’s like grappling a wilful toddler and baby. Luckily those difficult days are behind us now and she is the most wonderful young person to be around.

That’s fair enough @MojoDojoCasaHouse . I think given the risk of being hurt it’s something I prefer to avoid unless it really is unavoidable but that’s not to say you’re ‘wrong’, it’s just different children and different personalities.

Well fine you’re convinced you were right but it still doesn’t solve the problem of what happens when the car is further away or she’s capable of getting out of the playground or she calls your bluff.

It is very very common to have to pick up small children and carry them when they don’t want to leave somewhere. It isn’t some kind of abusive restraint technique and I think you are really exaggerating the risk of her hurting herself or you. You just need to be firm and pretend to be calm and cheerful about the whole thing. Small children are used to being carried by their parents, arguably its far less harmful than thinking your mum might drive off without you.

But the risk to your DD isn't just being snatched - it's running off alone, getting hurt, bolting down the road and getting hit by a car etc. All infinitely more likely than someone happening to be passing with a crowbar and wanting to take your baby.

What would you have done if your DD hadn´t come running?

You would have needed to come back and your DD would know that it was an empty thread. How would you get her to go home next time?

I think it’s fine, provided she has been given sufficient warnings of her time running out. The only thing I would be wary of is if you were to continue doing this, whether she’d push the boundary to see whether you’d actually start moving/drive off. Doesn’t leave you with anything to resort to really. My 2 year old is the same. I would put the baby in the car, return to her and say, ‘do you want to walk like a big girl or have mummy carry you like a baby?’ The thought of being called or compared to a baby shifts my son quite quickly 🤣

I’ve answered that @MrsGalloway , I think three or four times now.

Believe me I am not exaggerating when I say she can do herself and me a fair amount of damage. Especially if she’s on a climbing frame or something and I have to climb up it myself to get her off it. But even if I was exaggerating, it just isn’t a particularly pleasant thing to do - to force someone who is resisting is never easy, even if they are only little. That’s not to say I wouldn’t do it but it’s an absolute last resort I think.