To pretend to drive off and leave 3 year old

[Floatinginmycanoe]

My DD (3 next month) is being a bit tricky at the moment.

Today she refused to leave the park, and I had her baby brother in a carrier so would have struggled to pick her up. I left thinking she’d follow but she didn’t, so I got in the car and started it. She then came running over. It didn’t feel like a very good way of dealing with it but I’m not sure what else to do when she refuses to leave.

I did a mixture of bundling under my arm, pretending to leave and giving them a countdown.

I still give DD2 a countdown at age 14 - not because she is particularly wilful but she just operates in her own time zone otherwise and we'd never get out of the house.

She definitely wasn’t left in the road - I don’t really understand where that has come from but I hope we all would unanimously agree leaving a toddler in the road would be unreasonable she was inside an enclosed playground where I could see her.

I wonder if she will do it again as in her mind she might think you meant business! Don’t feel bad -you knew she was safe. It’s hard being a mum to toddlers and babies!

I'll be honest, I've done this with toddlers, teens and dogs. Worked every time.

What am I making up? The op got into her car to frighten her two year old enough to come running/leave. It caused a situation where the child could have come to harm.

Just take a buggy for the toddler and strap her in that. I personally wouldn’t go as far as starting a car and pretending to drive off. I have pretended to walk off before.

She probably will do it again, leaving places is definitely a tricky one at the moment. I’ve managed so far with a bit of bribery and praise and pretending to ring nursery to say how grown up she’s been in leaving without complaint but none worked today!

No one is winning when you resort to scaring your child into them doing what you want.

Read “how to talk so little kids will listen” to give yourself some better tools.

Have you tried reins? She can fling herself around safely as much as she likes while you strap baby in, then literally rein her in when you have both hands free.

Ugh I did the 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minute warning. All that happened was DS1 would cry and have a tantrum at the first time warning instead of at leaving time (and sometimes as well as).

It's hard OP. I don't have the answers but I definitely recommend reading the How to talk so kids listen book mentioned by PP. I bought it when mine were toddlers and stupidly didn't read it til they were preteens!

I can't see the issue?
If you'd set off and left her there that would have been distressing for her and not good.
Your actions got the desired result when she was testing your boundaries (as they do)
I always felt when mine were little that you pick your battles and never ever threaten something you're not prepared to follow through with if you have to. They need to know where the limit actually is, moving goalposts don't do them any good.

I got chased off this site a few years ago, after having confessed that, after going through a spell of my 3yo twin boys refusing to get dressed, or keep their clothes on in the morning, I put them into their car seats stark naked and drove them to nursery. Yes, it was winter and no, I didn't put the heating up too much in the car. I carried them both into nursery wrapped in a blanket and dumped them and their clothes (after explaining to the key workers) and walked back out again. Funnily enough, when I went to collect them later that day, they were both fully dressed and never again did I have this battle with them.

This was born after weeks of them flatly refusing to get dressed and tearing their clothes off as soon as I put them on. I threatened for days this is what I would do if they carried on refusing to get dressed. They did carry on and I did carry out my threat.

After having fessed up to this on MN, I am honestly surprised that I didn't get reported to SS, judging by some of the vitriolic replies I got. But you know what? I never regretted what I did, and now at the age of 16, both boys are pretty awesome for teenagers, and they certainly don't have a problem getting dressed in the morning. I did tell them a while ago what I did all those years ago, and they thought it was hilarious. They have both promised that if they feel it's starting to affect their mental well-being, they will call Childline straight away!

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get through the day in one piece. As long as you aren't actually placing your child in harm's way, that's all that really matters in the 'there and then'.

This.

She is 2 years old OP
they live in the moment
she won't remember this even happening by this time tomorrow
so don't worry, you haven't deeply traumatized her or anything like that.
I am pretty sure many a parent has threatened to leave a stroppy toddler in a park/shop before
only to hear little feet come running up after them :)

I’ve read that, it didn’t have any helpful suggestions for me but thank you.

Reins would only help if I could get to her, and dragging her across a park probably isn’t great either. Maybe there just isn’t a good solution.

If it works, do it and OP has explained that it was perfectly safe. We did similar things back in the day - and it works with the dog, too. The only thing we regret (25 years later!) is the sad look on our 3 year old's face on holiday in the bedroom when we told him (as a joke) that we were off to dinner in the restaurant and would see him later. Reader, we did take him to dinner.

I've started the engine when the 2 year old was climbing around in the car and wouldn't get in his seat. He knew I meant business then.

I actually think this was fine if it worked, but there's not really anywhere to go after that short of actually leaving, which you're not going to do.

Do you give her plenty of time and regular warnings about when you're going? I had a stubborn one and I was constantly saying '10 minutes!' '5 minutes!' 2 and a half minutes!' etc or saying in advance how many swings she was getting, counting down either being a rocket and zooming out, or just counting down to me being cross (I never got to one because I would count in increments of a quarter if I had to).

Another technique that worked with my stubborn girl was indicating on my forehead where my 'crossometer' was - I was honest about how cross I was or how think my patience was at that point and that seemed to really resonate with her (being quite cross herself very often).

That's been said to me on here by posters. My daughter's think I am sad for coming on here. I can't see them using it. Youngsters are different today nothing amazes them in regards to technology or online chat forums.

I had two kids with who gentle parenting and talking things through and offering options worked wonderfully. No such luck with my third I have gotten into my car and driven a few yards without her before to panic her - it worked, she knows I mean it now, and the furthest I've had to make it since then is starting the engine before she comes speeding over.

My toddler is equally as wilful. Giving her choices used to work, as did turning things into a race or a game, and we have done countdown timings for over a year, but now her language skills are better she just says she doesn't want to do it and refuses to leave.

I wouldn't get in the car to drive off, only because that isn't a consequence you can follow through with. Sorry, I don't have any suggestions though as I am often that mother with the baby in the carrier and the 2 year old flailing under one arm.

Meh, you haven't traumatised her amd it doesn't sound from the description that she was ever in danger of being run over.

However I agree with using threats you'll follow through on, and being honest with them (not exaggerated).

I'm going to appal the crunchy mums, but what I do in these situations is tell dd how she's making me feel and what the consequence is.

"You're making me fed up, dd. If you make me fed up every time I take you to the playground, I just won't take you as often. It's a lot of effort to bring you here and I think you're being ungrateful so we probably won't come here again tomorrow".

Truthful, not exaggerated. Is it emotional manipulation? Yes. I don't care, it works, my dd absolutely knows I mean it and I'll follow through on it. She'll freak out momentarily but then calm herself down and apologise "Sowwy I was being difficult mummy"

You can get to her if you use reins as she is always attached

And yes, I have dragged a toddler along with them, the same way I have marched along with one tucked under my arm

But anyway, remember:: this too shall pass

I had nearly 3 year gap between my two. The oldest was ridiculously stubborn but also a bolter so there is no way I’d get in a car with her on the outside of it. She was later diagnosed with ASD (demand avoidant variety), so believe me I know about stubborn toddlers/children.

I used a combination of the following

baby strapped in car first then toddler fireman’s lift to car.

cheap second hand buggy for a few months when it was really bad

baby in sling, toddler in buggy

phone timer, she had more respect for my phone than for me.

luckily she eventually grew out if it.

That's very traumatic for her. Are you not ashamed of yourself?