To feel sorry for my 4 year old

[ApologiesandSanctomony]

With Halloween coming up, dc2 has been letting us know that he absolutely wants to go trick or treating. He loves dressing up, and has excitedly helped put indoor decorations up; it is becoming evident that he loves this time of year. The issue is he will be alone, with dh taking him around. I have tried to focus on doing fun things indoors, but he still wants to go. He is so little, and the thought of him standing at doors on his own, with dh hovering, upsets me.

DD who is 6 is ND, and under no circumstances wants to accompany him. She has made it clear that she wants to stay indoors. DD has said that she wants to play a game where she knocks on a door inside our house, and trick or treats me, then I'm to give her sweets. She doesn't want to dress up, but does wish to wear a Halloween themed top. I'm trying to make the evening fun for her with pizza with ds, and spooky treats. Trick or treaters knocking scare her, so I will be putting a bowl of sweets outside.

I feel so sorry for them both, ds being alone, and it is making it more upsetting to me by the indoor game dd wants to play. If they both were happy indoors having a spooky fun evening it would feel fine.

Has anybody experiencing a similar situation? I just feel abit sad for them both.

It's ok to feel a bit sad that the reality isn’t fitting your preferred vision (we all do that sometimes!) but I’m afraid it is unhelpful for you to feel that way, and an overreaction to the actual situation.

My DD is 4. I will be taking her out trick or treating solo, as we did last year (she wanted to go from age 3- the lure of the sweets is strong in this one!). Only child so used to doing things solo!

I think rather than seeing it as a negative around your DD’s plans, I think it shows a wonderful amount of self awareness for a ND 6 year old. She’s identified that the whole thing is too overwhelming for her, chosen the bits she does want to participate in and what she can manage this year 🤷‍♀️

Hope they both have a lovely evening. Maybe plan something nice together in the run up (pumpkin picking/decorating?) you can all do together.

Some people are being very harsh to the op. Have some sympathy, when we have babies we can’t help but imagine all the typical things we will do with our kids, that come so easily and naturally to other families. When you have a child that struggles with things that other children enjoy - parties, yearly events, simply going on a family outing - it can be heartbreaking. Parents of ND children are often just told to ‘suck it up and get on with it’ like we had to leave any feelings of sadness or even grief at what could have been at the door of diagnosis. No, these feelings shouldn’t even be placed on the child but that doesn’t mean they can’t be felt.

I don't think you need to feel sorry for him. Every year I open the door to a variety of trick or treaters. Some come in small groups, some are little ones on their own with a parent hovering in the background. To be fair, the little ones on their own usually get told to take two sweets instead of one, so your DS will probably come home with a double haul

Your 4 yo won't care and he also won't be the only child by themselves.

This is all in your head.

This.

This just complete and utter rubbish.

There's no need for 'mum friends' unless you want them.

Love that. I have to do it for the first time this year I will definitely be the lady in the orange coat labelled "mortified".

Urgh.

When I was little Halloween wasn't a big deal. It looked like it was one on American TV shows and films but round our way maybe one gaggle of raggedy unkempt kids would knock & ask for trick or treat and that was it. I certainly never trick or treated and we didn't decorate the house or garden or anything... It's up to you whether or not to make it a big deal in your family.

My eldest (now 21) is autistic and hates the noise of fireworks, so we never did that. In the grand scheme of things I don't think it deprived our family of much tbh.

I think you’re making an issue where there isn’t one.

I take DD alone and have done the last couple of years as the other DC are older and want to go with their friends. DD loves it - and yes I do tend to loiter at the end of a driveway when she goes up to the door!

I’d see it as quality time together?? Maybe see if anyone from school or neighbours or social circle would like to join you? I’d get DH an outfit aswell and get him to properly join in!!! They could do a good double act if you are feeling inspired! Xx

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if this has been covered already but does ds actually want to go out trick or treating or is it that he wants the sweets and fun? When mine were little or the weather was bad we would decorate, put spooky songs on and they would dress up and have their Halloween buckets ready. Every time trick or treaters knocked they would open the door to them and offer the sweets and then take a sweet for their own buckets once they'd gone. They really enjoyed this and still felt like they had been trick or treating too.

We took DC4 trick or treating solo. We were in between schools too so all of his friends were in the old area, but it didn't matter. We just wandered around and it was so busy we just kind of joined a few groups (as in, kids queuing up to shout trick or treat and grab sweets) and everyone was happy and having a great time. I'd never gone trick or treating so didn't know what to expect, and I was a bit nervous going without any friends. But it was ace!

It was easier the following year when DC had settled in school and made a nice group of friends and I knew some mums too, so we got invited to a Halloween party followed by trick or treating in a group. Think we will be doing something similar this year. 😊

You sound like a lovely mum OP. I'm sure your kids have a great Halloween.

You are massively over thinking this. This is the problem with this ridiculous “making memories” culture, everything has to be fabulous and precious 🙄

@ApologiesandSanctomony
Yes, we're in a similar situation and have been for some years. We also have a boy who loves going round the houses and a girl who finds the whole thing overwhelming. Both ND. Oddly the girl loves costuming and the boy tends to do the minimum (he knows a costume is expected but isn't really into it - he normally does ordinary clothes with a homemade mask.)

For the first few years both went, but daughter found it too scary and unpredictable (particularly creepy decorations and people opening the door in gruesome masks) and quite soon decided to bow out. It caused her some anxiety, and I'm glad we haven't pushed it. She also won't go to Hallowe'en parties at school etc. I was initially worries that she was missing out, but now I just let her set the pace. She knows her limits.

I take Son because my DH also finds it overwhelming, and it's actually turned into quite a nice time to do something with just him. He sometimes goes with a friend but often has more stamina than the friend does! Meanwhile Daughter stays home, watches a non-Hallowe'en film, and opens the door in costume if and when she feels like it.

I think you'll probably feel better about this once a pattern that suits them both has developed. They're still quite young and things do change.

I think we all have a romantic image of crowds of kids running around together at Halloween but with smaller families and less cohesive communities there are fewer opportunities for this to happen. My older ds is disabled and can't go out my younger ds was either on his own ( me hovering in the background obv) or I would network like mad to get him involved with any local children going out at the same time - not easy either but all we can do - Good luck !

My 4 year old only child will be going out solo. He doesn't know any different and is perfectly happy about it.

Not read whole thread so sorry if it's been suggested, but if you didn't like the idea of him going out alone, are there any activities on over the school holidays/weekend that you could go to as a family? There's lots of Halloween themed parties/discos/soft play etc. around us where children are encouraged to dress up but don't have to. They play lots of games with other children and get sweets, could be a good compromise?

This is usual protocol. Really no need for “gangs” of mums and children to go round together.

I find big groups trick or treating quite annoying- some of the parent groups are really loud, shouting orders at the dc from ten feet away to Watch the road! Just take a couple of sweets darling! Yelling over each other - and they block everyone’s way 😂

Your ds will meet lots of other dc and their parents when he goes round the block with his dad holding his hand (and torch) for him. Sounds just right for a 4 year old.

Wow what a helpful, mind response- not.

A mum wanting to make sure both her kids enjoy something is hardly a "problem"

I take my daughter on her own since she's an only child and she's now five.
I'm a bit confused as to why your making this a huge deal.
Both children will be fine it's ok to go trick or treating with a parent.

Don’t worry about it and just do two different things. One stays with daughter and one walks round with son.

it’s normal for parents to go round with the kids here so your son will be having the same experience as most when he goes round with his dad.

I have a ND child with learning disability. We don't go trick or treating but she loves all the children coming to the house. We put the pumpkin out and wait for the doorbell to ring, then she takes the tub of sweets out for them. Maybe your DD could do that part of Halloween?

I do get the 'sad' part, though - my DD will not go anywhere near Santa at Christmas and a lot of the fun things that other children enjoy just don't work for her. Yes, it's what she feels comfortable with, but when not wanting to do things comes from anxiety, that is sad.

@ApologiesandSanctomony

I know what u mean. My 15yr old was always the kid alone when other people were getting invited to parties and going out with friends and their kids. It used to bother me thinking why is my kid always being left out but there's nothing u can do apart from just get on with it.

Both of your children are getting to enjoy an activity they want to do and have 1-1 time with a parent. Sounds good to me.

The four year old will be completely fine to go with dad. Do you have any friends that he could go round with?
If not he'll be caught up in dressing up and getting sweets and won't really care.

As for your six year old, she sounds like she will be perfectly happy playing the game she's made up but I can understand a bit why it might sadden you that she doesn't want to do what others do.

However, maybe play the game and encourage her to open the door to a couple of trick or treaters. All children are different, it would be boring if they were all the same.