To feel sorry for my 4 year old

[ApologiesandSanctomony]

With Halloween coming up, dc2 has been letting us know that he absolutely wants to go trick or treating. He loves dressing up, and has excitedly helped put indoor decorations up; it is becoming evident that he loves this time of year. The issue is he will be alone, with dh taking him around. I have tried to focus on doing fun things indoors, but he still wants to go. He is so little, and the thought of him standing at doors on his own, with dh hovering, upsets me.

DD who is 6 is ND, and under no circumstances wants to accompany him. She has made it clear that she wants to stay indoors. DD has said that she wants to play a game where she knocks on a door inside our house, and trick or treats me, then I'm to give her sweets. She doesn't want to dress up, but does wish to wear a Halloween themed top. I'm trying to make the evening fun for her with pizza with ds, and spooky treats. Trick or treaters knocking scare her, so I will be putting a bowl of sweets outside.

I feel so sorry for them both, ds being alone, and it is making it more upsetting to me by the indoor game dd wants to play. If they both were happy indoors having a spooky fun evening it would feel fine.

Has anybody experiencing a similar situation? I just feel abit sad for them both.

Nothing? One is 31st October and the other is 5th November. They both exist in the same week and can be celebrated separately, like how Christmas and NYE can be separate occasions.

Round here, people go big on Halloween and Bonfire night. They are two separate nights.

Ds is 18 now but growing up we lived in an area that went all out for Halloween. Ds is an only child so between 3 and 5, i took him and after that we did a mix of going with local friends or alone, mostly with friends. Ds had a lot of childhood friends, still does and ir never occurred to me he was missing out as an only because he most definitely wasn't.

Op i understand you're feeling like this because your daughter can't join in but as your nt little boy grows up you will see more and more of these situations . I'd jus be glad your dd at least wants to participate in some way, even if it is in the house. Don't make a big deal of it because she obviously is trying to celebrate it in her own way. Ds will be fine and just excited to get sweets! Who knows maybe dd will join in in the future watching her brother comeback unscathed.

"more upsetting to me"

You've hit the nail on the head. It's upsetting to you. It's not upsetting to the kids. You are absolutely being unreasonable.

There is one little girl on my street who is an only child who always comes round trick and treating with her mum, I don't find this sad, I think it is sensible.

Not sure why this is sad. It's quite common here to see small children going door by door with their parents, as they are not at an age when they made strong friendship and can organize to go in a group themselves!
This said, my only child is of similar age and last year we just met with another family (close friends, with children) and we went trick or treating all together.

She'll get over it, maybe for next year or year after, give her a break. I didn't start going till I was about 8 and I remember feeling a bit scared about Halloween before that.. Halloween wasn't a big thing in my area and I remember my mum telling her elderly parents to be careful around this time so it used to make me feel a bit anxious.

This year your DS is four and not in school. Next time he will be five and probably in reception, and he might be able to go (with mum or dad) and join a small group.

Don't forget this is just ONE Halloween out of many, and each year will likely be different in some way. One year you might bake and ice Halloween shaped cookies with your DD, one year your DS might not go (feeling unwell or the weather, or a party invitation instead), one year your DD might want to answer the door and offer out sweets - you just never know.

All you can do is make the best of whatever you decide to do. Your children might both want to help decorate outside the house, they might want to paint Halloween pottery, they might want to have a little party with a few well-known kids. It's up to you how much you and they want to participate, there are so many activities you could all do so everyone gets a degree of enjoyment out of the night.

I used to take my DS (an only) ToT and always dressed up myself (a Victorian maid ghost) and I loved seeing other parents doing the same. My favourite was a Grim Reaper dad who must have been 6' 5", he bowed his head and dipped his scythe to me Maybe encourage your DH to dress up too, it's definitely nicer for the kids when their parent fully joins in. (FWIW I never took sweets, I wasn't there for that!)

Mine will be going to a couple of houses with just dad. Only child and I have to work unfortunately. We are doing a few halloween themed things like pumpkin picking and carving etc as a family before the day though x

Why would anything have happened to it? They're two completely different things 🙄

Yes. It's quite normal to do this.

We have plenty of trick or treaters every year who are one child accompanied by an adult, nothing unusual about that at all.

Can you have a small Halloween party at home. Then a few of the kids can go out in a group to one or two nearby houses. Could you join that with your DD so you can take her home if it is too much. Kids don’t need to knock on dozens of doors.

I'm confused why you are upset here? I'm a single parent and I take my two. We always end up accidentally bumbling along with other parents too. Your son will love it.

I wouldn't leave a bowl of sweets outside anymore. We have a few times but once I looked to see teenagers just emptying the whole bowl into their pockets. If parents are supervising they make sure the kids take a few each but otherwise teenagers will nick the lot.

OP I think you're worried because it's all new to you and you are feeling sad that your dd can't joint in and enjoy it too. It probably brings it home that dd and ds will have different expectations in the future. I'm sure your ds will have a great time and then gets to join in the game with dd so it's double fun for him.

Does ds go to nursery?

I never went trick or treating with siblings, all
older, always went with friends and one parent supervising.

Go with a gang of mates?

Like everyone else I don't think you should be too sad. Sounds like ds is really excited and will have a great night. I remember things like that being super exciting when I was that age. Being out, dressing up, doing something different, having fun with his dad, getting sweets. He won't have this expectation you have of the whole family having to be involved with the trick or treating bit, so I doubt he'll be feeling he's missing out at all. Just looking forward to it. It's a shame you can't go too, maybe that's more of the sad thing for you as you are doing things with your daughter. But sounds like she's come up with something fun also. Maybe it is an assumption about what everyone else is doing is what is upsetting you. But like everything else in life, assumptions about other people at these times are usually imagined and projected. Everyone else has their own stresses, strains and compromises and probably aren't having half as good a halloween as your family sound like they will.

It sounds more to do with you realising how your life is different with a child with a disability.
You probably had a picture in your head of them out together and it’s different and it’s fine to feel a bit sad about it. It’s like that twee poem they give you when you have a disabled child ‘welcome to Holland’.
I’d do what they both want. Nothing sad about ds out 1-1 with his dad that’s a nice thing to do. It’s reframing it in your mind.

It's not sad at all, we get lots of little one's with just a parent knocking on our door. They love it, he'll have a great time!

I used to take DD on her own. Her brothers were older and didn't want to (they stayed at home to hand out sweets to anyone who knocked).

Op I felt the same last year about my then 4year old going on her own as we didn’t have any friends to go with and everybody else seemed to be in groups. I felt like I’d let her down. However she absolutely loved it and had the best time with just me and her dad! At 4 I don’t think they care, maybe in a couple of years you could organise to go with some school friends.

DS is an only child, plenty of years he's been able to go with his cousin but there have been a couple of times his cousin didn't fancy it so it's been DS and his mum.

I did feel a bit sorry for how excited he had been for it, getting dressed up and then it being a bit of a non-event just going round a few doors by himself, but when he was out he loved it.

I think the way I felt came from being able to go out with my brother every year, and the thought of DS being on his own, but that's comparing two different experiences. In those years his trick or treating experiences were just different to the ones I had. It didn't make it any less enjoyable for him.

He will not care, stop getting upset over something your son is not. I have had plenty of single trick or treaters!