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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sorry for my 4 year old

183 replies

ApologiesandSanctomony · 16/10/2023 10:36

With Halloween coming up, dc2 has been letting us know that he absolutely wants to go trick or treating. He loves dressing up, and has excitedly helped put indoor decorations up; it is becoming evident that he loves this time of year. The issue is he will be alone, with dh taking him around. I have tried to focus on doing fun things indoors, but he still wants to go. He is so little, and the thought of him standing at doors on his own, with dh hovering, upsets me.

DD who is 6 is ND, and under no circumstances wants to accompany him. She has made it clear that she wants to stay indoors. DD has said that she wants to play a game where she knocks on a door inside our house, and trick or treats me, then I'm to give her sweets. She doesn't want to dress up, but does wish to wear a Halloween themed top. I'm trying to make the evening fun for her with pizza with ds, and spooky treats. Trick or treaters knocking scare her, so I will be putting a bowl of sweets outside.

I feel so sorry for them both, ds being alone, and it is making it more upsetting to me by the indoor game dd wants to play. If they both were happy indoors having a spooky fun evening it would feel fine.

Has anybody experiencing a similar situation? I just feel abit sad for them both.

OP posts:
Topsyturvy78 · 16/10/2023 13:38

When my children were small both ND we used to go to a party and Knock at a couple of house's on the way. If we stayed in the constant door knocking did my head in. I remember running out of sweets one year. Hate giving money so we sneaked out the back to go to a party. Their young adults now but they do a candlelight walk where near us which is lovely. Lots of sensory displays to look at they love it.

LaurieStrode · 16/10/2023 13:38

Around here, the dad's take their kid(s) while the mum stays home with younger kids and/or to hand out sweets.

Many kids are alone with their pa. It's not a group thing. Not sure what you are struggling with. Let him go & have fun.

LaurieStrode · 16/10/2023 13:39

Consideringachange2023 · 16/10/2023 10:52

He’ll be fine OP - it’s not a bad thing to let him learn that if he wants to enjoy something he should go ahead and do it and not be held back by being alone.

Yes it’s lovely to enjoy fun activities with siblings and friends but it’s also really important to be able to enjoy things on our own and not dependant on others.

I know lots of people who won’t even go for a coffee or an exercise class on their own….

This is a very good point.

Zooeyzo · 16/10/2023 13:43

In the kindest way @ApologiesandSanctomony are you projecting your sadness because you always imagined them doing things together? It's hard...I get it . I do it too sometimes when my nd son doesn't or can't join in.
Just do whatever makes each happy. Maybe your son can join in the door game too.

Original poster
ApologiesandSanctomony · 16/10/2023 14:40

@bohemianmullet thank you for your post. You are exactly right, I do unconsciously (or maybe a little consciously) thing that everybody else is going with siblings, and/or groups. As a child I trick or treated with siblings, and all of the kids in the area. It was always such a lovely time, and memories, even dressed in binbag (the done thing back then)! 😂
Thanks again, that's nice of you to say, I really want my dcs to have lovely memories to look back on. Halloween is one of my favourite holidays, and looking like this is the same for my little ones. DH was never into it, so maybe dd takes after him!

@Dixiechickonhols yes exactly, I had imagined them going together, the same way I did with my siblings and nbrs. It is such a stupid vision, and back then it really was dangerous because adults didn't go, and there was one slightly older kid to look out! You are absolutely right, I was ignorant to ND and this is a real learning curve. I'm gradually and forever learning to adapt my parenting style to suit their individual needs. I second guess myself every single day. I'm so annoyed with myself for imagining them NT!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ApologiesandSanctomony · 16/10/2023 14:44

@Consideringachange2023 yes such a great point. Hopefully this is blessing, by instilling DS with the confidence to stand alone sometimes, without relying on others.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApologiesandSanctomony · 16/10/2023 14:50

@Zooeyzo yes I do, it can be difficult can't it? I want them to be close, and they do have moments where they'll laugh or play a little awhile. Most of the time though dd is so mean to ds, shouts at him etc which we are working on. She will tell him not to sing, dance or anything, how to play etc always her rules. DS is soft natured, and really kind which isn't reciprocated. I worry that one day he will stop enthusiasticly trying with dd, only to be shut down. We are learning every day how to parent them both fairly (another thread entirely I think)!

OP posts:
Zooeyzo · 16/10/2023 14:54

@ApologiesandSanctomony it's difficult and unless you're in the same situation it's difficult to understand the sadness.

FuckingHellAdele · 16/10/2023 14:59

eddiemairswife · 16/10/2023 11:28

I agree with Widow Twankey. What happened to Bonfire Night?

Nothing has happened to it. It's on a different night, did you not know?

FuckingHellAdele · 16/10/2023 15:01

I think it's sweet when we get the tiny tot with a parent hovering in the background Smile

Dixiechickonhols · 16/10/2023 15:15

ApologiesandSanctomony · 16/10/2023 14:40

@bohemianmullet thank you for your post. You are exactly right, I do unconsciously (or maybe a little consciously) thing that everybody else is going with siblings, and/or groups. As a child I trick or treated with siblings, and all of the kids in the area. It was always such a lovely time, and memories, even dressed in binbag (the done thing back then)! 😂
Thanks again, that's nice of you to say, I really want my dcs to have lovely memories to look back on. Halloween is one of my favourite holidays, and looking like this is the same for my little ones. DH was never into it, so maybe dd takes after him!

@Dixiechickonhols yes exactly, I had imagined them going together, the same way I did with my siblings and nbrs. It is such a stupid vision, and back then it really was dangerous because adults didn't go, and there was one slightly older kid to look out! You are absolutely right, I was ignorant to ND and this is a real learning curve. I'm gradually and forever learning to adapt my parenting style to suit their individual needs. I second guess myself every single day. I'm so annoyed with myself for imagining them NT!!

Honestly it’s a very normal reaction. Be kind to yourself. They are still young and you may not have had your daughter’s diagnosis long. Mines 17 with a physical disability it does get easier.
You may find lots of parents out at same time so he isn’t on his own, our estate is lovely at Halloween. I dress my dog up for the trick or treaters.

jodes88 · 16/10/2023 20:40

We only have one Daughter and have always taken her out and hovered and let her knock on the doors to trick or treat. I don't understand the issue if I am honest let him go out with his Dad and you stay in with your Daughter!

DangerousAlchemy · 16/10/2023 20:46

You're over-thinking it OP. My Dh was always still at work on Halloween so I had to take my DC trick or treating alone. The evening you have planned sounds great 👍

Sennelier1 · 16/10/2023 20:52

I think OP is just sad because she has the feeling both her children are missing out a bit, in this case on each other's company. The boy would lóve to go TT with his sister, she would like him to stay home and play TT with her. OP has two children and would obviously love to see them do things together - even if she has accepted they are very different and always will be. Nothing weong in feeling that little pang OP, you're doing great respecting both of their characters,❤️‍🩹

saffy2 · 16/10/2023 20:55

At his age and up to 8 my son was on a only child, why is it sad that I took him alone?! 🤔

Swanfeet · 16/10/2023 21:05

Please don’t be sad, he’ll have a lovely time. This is exactly what I chose to do with my young children as they’re desperate to go, but I don’t want them out late, so we go early when it’s usually just us and knock on doors of people we know. They’re happy and don’t get scared by big kids in costumes being around and are home and warm for bedtime.

CornishIrish · 16/10/2023 21:05

I wonder if you might be ND yourself? You are empathising with your children but also overlaying anxieties or sadness that they don’t seem to share. I wonder if it might be bringing up some of your own feelings of isolation or exclusion as a child?

I have three teenagers and a 7 year old. The youngest absolutely loves getting to do special things without her brothers and she sees it as special time.

if your children seem happy with the set up it might be worth having a think about why this particular circumstance is troubling you.

I hope you all have a great Halloween, all together AND some special single time too.

Sjh15 · 16/10/2023 21:07

You sound like an amazing parent, do what both the DC want and cut yourself some slack

HipTeens · 16/10/2023 21:10

I took ds aged 4 last year just us two. We had a blast, hunting down houses that looked knockable. Then we met up with dh and ds aged 1 in the harvester and shared out what booty we hadn't already scoffed.
Ds found a little spider bag in a charity shop and said he could use it for "trickle treating". I died and went to heaven when he said that.

Dahlia444 · 16/10/2023 21:16

I understand OP. I'm in danger of internally projecting something onto a situation that just isn't there. I spend a lot of time making sure I screen my DC from my worries for them, particularly socially. If your DS is happy going on his own with dad keep doing as you're doing and hiding that you wish it was different. Try and learn to take the lead from your child. I haven't ever really learnt to though- I worry that they are isolated so much but seem perfectly happy - late teens now! Aargh.

HarLace1 · 16/10/2023 21:18

I was an only child and my dad took me on my own! I loved it! At least his dad can take him x

Mariposista · 16/10/2023 23:46

You have 2 kids with two different personalities and tastes. One wants to go out and celebrate, the other wants to do something at home. Sounds fine!
DS can enjoy some boys time with his dad while you do girls things with DD.

FWIW I have always hated Halloween, even as a kid. People may have 'felt sorry' for me, as I was never at a party or TOT, but I preferred it that way.

Julimia · 16/10/2023 23:51

Just go with him. If you have no one to leave daughter with you and her just stand at gate, bottom.of drive etc so that you can still see him.

momonpurpose · 17/10/2023 00:21

Maxus · 16/10/2023 10:39

You have individual children who want you do separate things. Just go with it. I used to take my ds out alone, he loved it.

Edited

I agree. They each can enjoy it their own way. Where I live a pizza olace makes a jack-o-lantern shaped pizza. I love your Dd idea too

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 17/10/2023 00:52

Almost all the trick or treaters who visit us are single children with a parent hovering. Pre pandemic we would get groups of kids the same age (or rather, the same height so I assume the same age) but very few sibling groups.
Does your son not have friends to trick or treat with?