To feel sorry for my 4 year old

[ApologiesandSanctomony]

With Halloween coming up, dc2 has been letting us know that he absolutely wants to go trick or treating. He loves dressing up, and has excitedly helped put indoor decorations up; it is becoming evident that he loves this time of year. The issue is he will be alone, with dh taking him around. I have tried to focus on doing fun things indoors, but he still wants to go. He is so little, and the thought of him standing at doors on his own, with dh hovering, upsets me.

DD who is 6 is ND, and under no circumstances wants to accompany him. She has made it clear that she wants to stay indoors. DD has said that she wants to play a game where she knocks on a door inside our house, and trick or treats me, then I'm to give her sweets. She doesn't want to dress up, but does wish to wear a Halloween themed top. I'm trying to make the evening fun for her with pizza with ds, and spooky treats. Trick or treaters knocking scare her, so I will be putting a bowl of sweets outside.

I feel so sorry for them both, ds being alone, and it is making it more upsetting to me by the indoor game dd wants to play. If they both were happy indoors having a spooky fun evening it would feel fine.

Has anybody experiencing a similar situation? I just feel abit sad for them both.

Can he go with older kids? I used to go with older kids (who took great care of me) and it was such fun

I think your daughter's game sounds delightful. Your son will have a ball. Considering there are few trick or treaters in your neighborhood, the neighbors will fuss over him and how adorable he is and he'll get lots of sweets.

Tell your daughter that her brother wants to go out Trick or Tricking but that she doesn't have to go and can play her games at home..
Don't make a big deal about it. Once your DD sees her brother come to no harm it might give her more confidence for next year when she might try joining him for a few local houses.

Idealy she will overcome her fear of normal interactions.
Your son has no fear which your DD should see as normal.
I would not show your alarm at him wanting to do something different.

Have you got any friends or family with a similar aged kid that you can invite over for spooky fun then take them round the doors for half an hour? That’s what I’m doing, son is only 2 so it’s his first time. Although I wouldn’t mind taking him round the doors on my own. Or Maybe dad can dress up a little too to make it a little more fun for him? Doesn’t have to go full blown costume, even just a bit of face paint or a mask or something.

I can't help but feel that it sounds like you want your DS to be "fine" with staying home so DD doesn't get sad/mad? DS missing on a normal childhood moment because his sister might be sad/jealous? I'm glad he is an outgoing child or he would always be stuck doing whatever his sister wants, which doesn't sound like fun at all.

Sounds like you have put à lot of time and thought into planning activities to suit both your children.Dont be sad, they will both have a really fun time!!

If you really dont want the little trick or treating alone does he have a little friend you can invite along?

PS asda has bat shaped pizzas

I think you are feeling sad that perhaps they won't be on the same page and have the sort of sibling relationship you imagined. What you need to remember is that it isn't because of your dd's neurosiversity. My two dc are 3 yrs apart and like very different things. It doesn't mean they will always be on a different page or won't be close as they get older. They will form a bond in different ways.

I might be wrong but are you more sad that you aren't getting to enjoy these things together and potentially they have reached an age now where their preferences are going to make things more tricky especially with considering their divergent tendencies.
It's OK to grieve the life we thought we would have. You are still going with their preferences and that's great but it's maybe not what you thought it would be like x

We are in this situation too. It's fairly common for ND families and yes it is ok to feel sad.

Our DD (14) used to be part of a huge friend group with which we did loads of activities. Before we knew she was autistic (masking, compliant, huge meltdowns at home), we did all sorts of events. However around the age of 7 things started to go pear shaped at school and this started a long and traumatic journey to get a diagnosis and her needs met in education.

Her DD (10) was always included in activities but that obviously all changed when the oldest started to struggle. We lost our friend group because of all the stress and nearly lost our marriage and our minds. Our youngest managed to form a small friend group at school but has since become home educated (her request) and is more isolated than ever, despite my best efforts to find groups and activities.

Having an ND child in a family is hard. It changes the dynamic and limits the usual activities. We struggle to do anything together as a family. We don't go on holiday together and even simple trips are hard work. And yes it makes me feel sad that my youngest has had to live with the fall out from all of it. The damage caused by professionals, the gaslighting, the fight for every bit of help and understanding, it has all taken its toll.

So when you speak about just wanting to do a simple thing like trick or treating together, I really understand why that would make you sad.

Seriously? The daughter is ND, no amount of ‘showing her’ or expecting ‘normal’ (awful word in this context) social interaction will get her to overcome that. My eldest has a huge anxiety that comes with autism, he’s never been trick or treating. I wouldn’t dream of sitting in on Halloween night pointing out all the ‘normal kids doing normal things’, many ND kids are already hugely aware of how they don’t fit in.

@ApologiesandSanctomony I understand your sadness, I do. You’re allowed to recognise that some things that other families can do simply has to be done differently in your lives. It’s similar in my house, Christmas for example has to be very carefully planned so not to cause an overwhelming scenario (especially since one of my children still doesn’t ‘get’ the concept of the day at all, though he does love presents 😂). You’re doing the right thing, both your children will have the Halloween they want.

Your DD could use this year to 'practice' safe at home but be more confident to go out and do some neighbours houses next year.

Your 4 year old will feel nothing but excitement while he's out, he won't care that he's only with his dad

This is so melodramatic.

You’ve built a fantasy in your head of what hallowe’en will look like for your family.

Try to see it as an early experience to let them be different but happy. If DS is disappointed explain that it's totally fine for them to like and want to do different things and can both have fun - as things like this may come up again. Sometimes with ND his sister may not want to go over to a Santa, but encourage that it's totally fine for him to, they're just different. It's nice if he wants to be independent and do those things, and equally is okay for his sister to be more cautious.

I used to be 'made' to join in with things with my brother and it definately increased my personal anxiety - which just isn't worth it for things other than school etc

You can have a “fun spooky evening” as a family.

It’ll only take ten minutes to knock on a few doors with his dad. There’ll be all the local kids doing the same thing.

Hes 4 so hardly staying up all evening, it’s a school night for dd, it’ll be cold and probably raining out.

Lower your expectations 😂

Children generally enjoy the build up to halloween more than anything.

There’s always one.

It’s like the people who get all crazed about toddler reins being about ‘having your child on a dog leash’.

Do you always find things to be dramatic about for no reason?

It’s wonderful that you and dh understand and listen to what both children need. I can understand the feeling of sadness you have and not sure why others don’t get it?! You may find over the years that your two might not undertake activities together in the way you’d imagined/hoped. My eldest is off to Uni now and youngest is 4. The advice I’ve always given myself (and others if they ask for it) is to find acceptance with what is. Accept the children for who they are, accept yourself for your fears and anxiety, accept that some of your hopes/expectations won’t be met in your family. Accept the evening for what it is but also share (as you have done) your thoughts with others as there’s lots of kind people who will want to help in some way.

God op you will need to toughen up if you think that’s sad!

It's fine OP. What do you think children with no siblings do?

You are massively overthinking this.

To give you some perspective, one child is knocking on doors for free sweets, lots of positive fuss about their costume and one is playing a game that they have made up and is excited about. Each getting to so exactly as they've asked and will receive 100% of an adults attention.

Each child is 100% happy.

And you feel sorry for them why? Because its bot what you imagined 2 kids would be? Kindly, OP, this is a you problem and you need to reflect on this so you can enjoy the children you have.

Not read the whole thread.

Apart from Halloween which is the most ridiculous preposterous commercialised con out there (above christmas and all the others) you OP (yes you OP)are setting yourself up for two children who can hyper sense that mummy is feeling all their feelings on a moment by moment basis - when they are teenagers you might find yourself being played like only teenagers can.

Your child is 4. It will be a massive novelty to go out with your DH to knock on a few doors even if only for 30 minutes 45 minutes. He will be totally oblivious to the fact that he is not going with other children as it will be so excited to be out with his Dad until he realises which he will that there is something wrong because his mum looks so sad on his behalf!

come on! he is 4 years old. It is effin halloween. if you never mentioned it he might hardly even notice there are no other children with you and your DH when he goes out.

Could you suggest to your DD that you all go walking round as a group and she doesn’t have to dress up, and just send DS to knock on doors? This is what we did for a couple of years as DS would never dress up or knock on doors. Then go home and do her activity all together?

I get you OP, it’s tough when one child doesn’t want to do “normal” child activities. But really, who defines normal? There’s so many social rules to abide by and when you think about them, many are just invented and ridiculous. You need to find your own normal as a family and to not care if it’s different from someone else’s.

It’s not a big deal op
sure both your kids will have a lovely night